by Anna Bell
‘Do you know what you want to eat?’ I ask, slowly rising to my feet. I need food and I need it quickly.
‘I’ll have the big nachos and don’t think you’re escaping this conversation by going to the bar. It’ll be waiting for you when you get back.’
‘Great,’ I mutter.
Marissa’s true to her word as, no sooner have I returned to the sofa with the drinks, she launches straight back into it.
‘I don’t want to hear that you don’t like Aidan or that you’re just friends, because we’ve been friends for twenty-one years and that look in your eyes only means one thing. You have it bad for him.’
‘I wouldn’t say I have it bad exactly …’
‘Ah-ha,’ she says, a smile exploding on her face. ‘I knew it.’
‘You just said as much,’ I say, confused.
‘I thought it, but I didn’t know. And now you’ve confirmed it,’ she says, looking far too pleased with herself.
This is why I should have cancelled today. My guard has been well and truly lowered by my hangover.
‘So, what are you going to do about it?’ she asks.
‘I’m not going to do anything about it.’
‘Because of his girlfriend?’
I shift uncomfortably on the sofa. I haven’t updated Marissa yet on the Saskia conversation.
‘What? Has he dumped his girlfriend?’ She’s edging so far forward on the sofa that I’m worried that she’ll topple over any minute from the weight of the baby.
‘He never had a girlfriend,’ I say, realising I’m too weak to not divulge everything today. ‘She was his business partner.’
‘Bloody hell, so he’s single. And you’re single. And you have the horn, I can see it in your eyes.’
I tut at her.
‘It doesn’t change anything.’
‘It changes everything. You’ve got to ask him out.’
‘I can’t. I’m dating Luke.’
‘Fake dating,’ she says, rolling her eyes. ‘You’re not honestly letting that stop you. Look what Aidan did the day that Ben died. You should totally ask him out.’
‘But he’s not even interested. He sounds like he was hurt by an ex.’
‘Like you,’ she says, gesturing at me.
‘Exactly. And like me, he’s not ready to date yet.’
Marissa humphs. She looks over to a pile of leaflets in the corner before leaping up in a eureka moment.
‘This is what you should do,’ she says, walking back and handing a glossy booklet to me.
‘What is it?’ I say, taking it.
‘It’s for the theatre.’
‘I don’t get it.’ I flick through the pages and wonder what I’m missing.
‘You pick something that’s only on for a night or two, message him and tell him you’ve got no one to go with and voilà. It’s one friend helping out another friend and hopefully you’ll end up smooching at the end of the night.’
I think of our near kiss and I’m tempted.
‘That sounds ridiculous. And I bet there’s nothing on.’
I land on a page and prove myself wrong.
‘Huh, Salome by Oscar Wilde. Do you remember doing one of his plays at school?’
‘No,’ she says, wrinkling her nose up.
‘You do, we did The Importance of Being Earnest. We all dressed up in big Victorian dresses.’
She looks at me blankly.
‘Don’t remember. But to be fair all I can remember from drama class was Jimmy Marsden.’
I lose Marissa for a minute whilst she thinks about her teenage crush.
‘That’ll be perfect,’ she says eventually.
‘You have no idea what it is.’
‘It doesn’t really matter. You just need an excuse.’
She picks up my phone and hands it to me.
‘Do it now.’
I take it and slip it into my hoodie pocket.
‘Even if I was going to do it, I couldn’t do it when I was this hungover; my brain is barely functioning.’
‘Promise when you do it later you’ll tell me?’
‘I promise, if I do it and it’s a big if.’
‘You’ll do it,’ she says, wriggling her bum back into the sofa, seemingly content.
‘I can’t believe you’re going on a date with him, it’s so exciting. I’m so pleased, Izzy, that everything’s coming together for you. You’re getting a boyfriend, and also… I think I’ve found you your dream job!’
‘Steady on, he’s nowhere near my boyfriend. And hang on, I’m not looking to move jobs!’
‘You might be if it was your dream one. I have a client who’s looking for a digital marketing manager. It’s a really dynamic company and the salary’s pretty good and they’ve got good healthcare and benefits,’ she says.
‘Has this got anything to do with your commission and that expensive pram you want?’
‘Absolutely not,’ she says far too unconvincingly. ‘But I did think that it might be good for you. You always said that that’s why you started doing your Instagram – so that you could move into a digital marketing role.’
‘I know, but it’s quite a leap from being a copywriter and I’ve had time off. I think I really should build up my influencer brand a bit more so I could really impress people.’
‘I’m sure they wouldn’t mind,’ she says. I notice she’s not looking me in the eye.
‘Have you already spoken to them about me?’
‘I might have done, informally, and they seemed really positive.’
‘Marissa,’ I say, sighing.
‘I know, I’m sorry, it’s just it seemed like you’d be a perfect fit and I thought it would be really good for you.’
‘But my feed, I feel like I’m getting somewhere. If it keeps growing at the rate that it is, I might be making decent money soon.’
‘Yeah, but it’s a gamble, isn’t it?’ she says. I can tell she’s choosing her words carefully. ‘This could give you proper job security. You might be able to save enough to get a deposit for your own place.’
‘You’re starting to sound like Becca,’ I say, trying to laugh it off.
The barman plonks two steaming plates of food down in front of us and I greedily reach for my chicken wings and start nibbling straight away. I’m getting into this whole eating food whilst it’s hot.
‘Why don’t I send you over the job spec and you can see? I know you’re doing really well with your Instagram and I am of course insanely jealous as I’m never going to reach those heights, but I just think that this is such a good opportunity. I mean, wasn’t this what it was all supposed to be for?’
I put down my first chicken bone, gnawed clean.
‘It was at one point,’ I say, taking a deep breath. Marissa’s my best friend and I can usually talk to her about everything, but I’m embarrassed to talk to her about this. I want her to understand why it means so much to me, though. ‘I was talking to Ben about it when he came up to London to buy Becca’s engagement ring and he told me that I shouldn’t just set my sights on changing jobs but that I should try and make it as an influencer. It seemed like such a silly dream, but the closer I’ve come to achieving it, the more I want to, for him. He’d have been so proud.’
‘Ah, Izzy,’ she says, inching forward and grabbing my hand. ‘Why ever didn’t you tell me?’
I shrug my shoulders. ‘After Ben died I found Instagram such an escape from all the grief. I liked the fact that people didn’t know about me or my problems and they didn’t all treat me like I was broken or do the sympathetic head tilt. It almost made me think that it was him nudging me in the right direction.’ I take a sip of my drink. ‘I sound stupid.’
‘No, you don’t,’ says Marissa. ‘But you know he’d be pleased and proud of you whatever you did.’
‘I know, and if it doesn’t work out then I will definitely start looking at a more stable career. But right now, I’ve got to at least try. For him.’
Marissa’s sil
ent for a minute before she takes a bite of her nachos.
‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me though,’ she says. ‘Does this mean that you have other secrets from me? Are you and Luke really a couple?’
‘Er, no, we’re definitely not. And I don’t have any other secrets from you. I was just a bit embarrassed talking about that with you. Damn the hangover, it’s like taking a freaking honesty pill.’
‘You know you can always talk to me about the Ben stuff, don’t you? I know that you and Becca talk about it a lot, but I am always here.’
‘I know you are,’ I say, nodding and blinking back a tear. ‘And thanks, I haven’t been talking to Becca as much as I used to about this stuff.’
I feel sad that I haven’t told Becca. When Ben died we used to talk about everything but since she’s started dating Gareth, things have changed between us. I miss how we used to be.
‘I’m glad you told me,’ she says, squeezing my hand that she’s still holding. ‘You can always talk to me. Even when you become a jet-setting mega influencer.’
‘I don’t think that’s going to happen,’ I say. ‘Perhaps you should send me over that job spec.’
‘No, follow your dream,’ she says. ‘But don’t just do it for Ben, Izzy, do it for you too.’
A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe it away and smile. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a lovely friend. I lean over the table to give her a hug and Marissa stands up slightly to meet me in the middle. We pull out of the hug and as she sits down her bump catches the corner of the cake box.
I look down in horror as the bottom of the box catapults up.
‘No!’ I shout, reaching out to grab it but I’m too late. The box tumbles to the ground and the cake splats all over the wooden floor.
We both stare in horror. There’s a mass of white icing poking out from the underside of the box, and what looks to be pink sponge cake.
‘Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I’m having a little girl,’ she screams, leaping up and narrowly avoiding tipping over her nachos this time. ‘This bump is a bloody liability.’
‘It is. But you’re having a girl!’
I give her yet another hug and we do a lot of squealing.
‘I’m having a little girl, Izzy,’ says Marissa, finally sitting down, wiping away the tears.
‘I know,’ I say, beaming. I have no doubt that we’d have been doing the same dance had the sponge been blue but just knowing what it’s going to be is so magical.
‘I’m terrified of having a little girl. How will I keep her safe? What if people are mean to her? What if—’
‘She’ll be fine. She’s got you as her mum.’
That sets Marissa off crying again and I don’t know whether it’s the post-alcohol blues or the fact that this lunch has been bloody emotional, but I start bawling too.
The barman walks over with a dustpan and brush to clear up the cake, but he looks between the mess on the floor and our blubbing and thinks better of it. He leaves us the dustpan and a bin bag and creeps away.
We just about get the tears under control and I stand up to clear up the cake.
‘I still can’t believe it,’ Marissa says. ‘Just think, you’re going to have a goddaughter.’
I look at Marissa for confirmation that I haven’t misheard and she grins manically at me.
I whoop loudly, my hangover forgotten, and the happy tears start again and it’s a long time before they stop.
Chapter 19
I slip a tight-fitting cardigan over my blouse and I walk into the kitchen where Becca’s making a cup of tea.
‘What do you think? Do I look OK? Not too casual?’
I walk into the bedroom to peruse my outfit again in the full-length mirror before Becca can answer.
‘You look great,’ she says, following me into my room and leaning on the door frame. ‘Your hair.’
I put my hand up to my curls and push them up and they spring down again.
‘Does it look too big?’
‘No, I love it.’
Becca’s holding her tea in her hand and looking at me.
‘I don’t look too smart, do I? It’s been a long time since I’ve been to the theatre; I’m not too sure what to wear anymore.’
‘Yeah, like that’s the reason you’re fussing over what you’re wearing. Nothing to do with the fact you’re meeting Aidan.’
I don’t want to admit she might be right. It should be no different from meeting up with him at the cinema, but it is. Now that I know he’s single and I want to kiss him.
I should never have followed Marissa’s advice, but Facebook makes it far too easy. It might have taken me a couple of hours to craft the perfect message and pluck up the courage to send it, but once I had, we’d arranged to meet up within minutes.
‘Whatever,’ I say, going all teenager.
Becca smiles; she can’t seem to understand why I don’t want to date him. I can think of lots of reasons, the fake dating, bad timing, but it mainly boils down to me being scared of getting hurt again.
I’m about to run out the door when my phone rings. My heart sinks, thinking that it’s him phoning to cancel, so I’m relieved when I dig it out of my bag and realise that it’s only Luke.
‘Hiya,’ I answer.
‘Hey, guess what?’ he says. I can hear the excitement in his voice.
‘Channing Tatum has pulled a muscle and he wants you to take over from him in the next Magic Mike film?’
Becca gives me a WTF look and I shake my head at her.
‘Very funny,’ he says. ‘Maybe not as exciting as that, but pretty close. We got approached by a big country hotel – they want us to feature in their ad campaign. They’re not only going to give us a free stay, but they’re going to pay us £2,000 as well.’
‘Holy shit!’ I say, stunned.
‘I know! All we’ve got to do is post some videos and photos on our feed during the weekend stay, and pose for some pictures their photographer will take and they’ll put them in their brochures and ads.’
‘Bloody hell, that’s amazing. That would pay my rent for the next two months,’ I say, the reality hitting me as to what the money could do.
‘And this is only one company. Imagine if we had two or three of those a month.’
‘Imagine,’ I say feeling a little light-headed.
‘Anyway, I’ll send you through the details. I just wanted to let you know before you went out.’
‘How did you know I was going out?’
‘Uh, our Google calendars are synced, remember? By the way, didn’t have you down as the kind of girl that got a Brazilian wax,’ he says, laughing.
‘The “B” in a “B Wax” could mean a lot of things. I’m hanging up now.’
I’ve got quite into using the calendar on my phone. Although I’d been posting everything to my personal calendar, I’ll need to check that.
I say goodbye to Becca and hurry out of the flat towards the station where we’re meeting.
We’re just friends, just friends, I repeat in my head to calm my nerves. Aidan doesn’t want a relationship and neither do I. He doesn’t know that I’ve got a crush on him and it’s not like I’m going to act on it, so really I should have nothing to be nervous about.
When I get to the station he’s already standing there. I do a little run to get to him. I wish I hadn’t because I’m not the most athletic person and instead of jogging like a Baywatch babe I’m thundering along like an elephant.
‘Sorry, have you been here long?’
‘No, I literally just arrived.’
He leans over to give me what I think is a hug but when his lips graze my ear I realise he was going for a kiss on the cheek and we’re left in a weird moment where I’m trying to lean into the hug and he’s trying to withdraw from the kiss. FML. Why did I listen to Marissa?
‘Shall we get going?’ I say.
‘Sure, yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve been to Basingstoke, so I’ll let you lead the
way.’
I don’t dwell on the fact that we stood on this very spot the day Ben died, before he bundled me into a taxi and instead we walk down the steps towards the town centre.
‘Do you know anything about this play we’re going to see?’
‘Only a little, but I love Oscar Wilde’s plays and so I imagine it’ll be good. Apparently it has a sexy topless dance in it.’
I see Aidan’s cheeks colour and I wish I’d not mentioned it.
‘Oh, that’ll be something to look forward to, I guess.’
I wish I hadn’t googled the play this afternoon. Sitting next to him whilst he’s watching a scantily dressed woman do the sexy dance of the seven veils isn’t really what I had in mind. It’s awkward enough with me trying to ignore the chemistry between us, let alone seeing a steamy performance. I shove my hands into my coat pockets in a bid to stop my palms from getting any more clammy.
‘At least it’s supposed to be a short play,’ I say, trying to put the dance from my mind. ‘We can go to the pub after.’
‘Great,’ he says, nodding. ‘Pubs are always good. So, how’s your month been? Done anything interesting?’
I pause before I speak. I’m so used to doing my monthly round-ups that I almost go into my upbeat Instagram voice before I check myself.
‘It’s been quite quiet,’ I say, thinking that being in a fake relationship with Luke takes up a ridiculous amount of time. Not only do we have to do our fake dates but we also have to comment on each other’s posts with sickening little in-jokes and public emoji-filled conversations. ‘My best friend Marissa’s having a baby so I’m trying to spend a lot of time with her before she gives birth in December, and I’ve also been planning a surprise baby shower for her with my friend and flatmate, Becca.’
‘Baby shower? Is that a thing? I thought they only did it in America.’
‘No, they do them here now too. I’m excited. I think it’s going to be a hen do Part II, just without the sambuca and perhaps fewer strippers, thank goodness. I’m not really into oiled-up naked men gyrating in front of me.’
‘Isn’t that covered by law of the hen, that you’re not supposed to talk about it?’