Are You There, Karma? It’s Me, Jane.: A laugh out loud romantic comedy

by Zolendz, Christine

  Her eyes flick up to the rearview mirror and roll. “Don’t be silly, Jane. This is a school zone. We should all slow down.”

  Liar. There are no schools here. Not for miles. What is she up to? I sit back and watch carefully; quietly…waiting to see how this all plays out. She obviously got me up and dolled up for a reason.

  When we reach the restaurant, she circles the block feigning she can’t find a parking spot. “You can’t find a spot because you haven’t pulled into their lot yet.” I narrow my eyes on her dramatically. “Are you up to something? Mom? What’s going on?”

  “Nothing, nothing. It’s just 5:50.” She scrunches up her nose and picks at her steering wheel. “I feel twenty years older if I eat dinner before six.”

  “Oh, just drive into the lot and find a space. I’m starving.” My stomach rumbles loudly, proving my point.

  Thankfully she parks the car, but then she dawdles looking at herself in the visor’s mirror and reapplies a layer of lipstick then acts as if there’s an eyelash in her eye. I am made to blow on it until precisely six o’clock, when she abruptly shoos me out of the car and escorts me by the arm into the restaurant. Her hold is like a vice grip. “There’s going to be a bruise there tomorrow,” I say to her,

  She repeats the whole ‘don’t be silly’ thing.

  We walk into the dining room and immediately I understand everything. Sitting at the farthest table from the door, in a small private booth, is Adam Meyers, my ex.

  She drags me to the booth and throws me at him. Literally. I stumble onto his lap and he jumps to try and save me and there’s this awkward grabbing of a breast and spilling of water.

  Adam and I laugh awkwardly when both of us are steady. My mother is long gone and Adam already hit second base.

  “So, I’m guessing this was planned?” I ask. My face burns hot.

  His smile ends with a chuckle and he shakes his head. He’s blushing too. “Our mothers seem to want to meddle in our lives.”

  “I’m so sorry, Adam, really I am.”

  He smiles wider. “It’s really not a bad thing, though, it is? I mean it’s good to see you and we both need to eat dinner so—” He gestures to the booth. “Come, sit down and join me.”

  I slide into the booth. “You’re right, it’s not a bad thing. It’ll be good to catch up, right?”

  We order wine and appetizers.

  “I read all your articles, you know. I never miss anything you write.”

  “Seriously? Wow, that’s…well, thank you.” I feel a little awkward. I don’t even remember what Adam does for a living. “How’s everything with you? I thought you were in California.”

  Our wine comes and both of us take tentative sips.

  “I came back this year. I put in for a transfer. I had to get away, start fresh.”

  Shit, I still don’t know what he does. We fumble clumsily through every conversation until we split the bill, which I have to fight to give him money for. “It’s not right, Adam. You shouldn’t have to pay for what our mothers schemed up. As a matter of fact, they should, don’t you think?” Both of us laugh. “We should send them an invoice.”

  He drives us both to our parents’ block and parks his car on the corner. He stares out the front windshield for a while and I don’t want to slide out of the car right away, when he’s staring off like that, like he’s trying to figure out what to say.

  “You were the one that got away.” His says the words slow and steady.

  I clear the emotion from my throat. This is a man I once cared for very much. Someone I would have once given anything to hear a proposal from, instead on our two-year anniversary he told me he put in for a transfer to the California office of his company. I had just landed my job—no, my career—with the magazine. He said I could go with him, just leave my little writing hobby in New York and move to California with him. We could split the rent three ways with his other roommate, Claudia. Claudia worked in the California office too, they had met the summer before on a work conference. She could have been Julia’s twin.

  There was no promise of commitment. There was just nagging and whining, and belittling everything that was important to me just so he could justify why his plans and his career and his choices were more important than mine. He also thought it would be fun that, when I did move out there, me, him and Claudia could all become more than just friends.

  A new job and a threesome, please—that’s what his plans were.

  I ended it that night. No tears. No grand emotional outcries. Both of us just chose what was more important to us at that time. It was really simple. I wished him and Claudia all the luck in the world—mostly her because she was going to need it.

  “We were both too young and heading out on two different paths.”

  “We’re both in New York now.”

  He leans over and it’s like slow motion. My heart drums up to a quickening pitter-patter beat, and I’m instantly remembering how nice it was when we first started dating a lifetime ago.

  Then his lips are against mine, and we’re kissing. This is good. I need this. This will erase any memories of Dex, ew why am I think about him right now? And maybe, just maybe I could insert Adam into my heart, where Nate is.

  Adam’s hands are all over me. Up my shirt, in my bra, down my pants. He pulls his face away only once. “Tell me you want it. Say the words. I’ll give you whatever you need. You want me?”

  I exhale a jagged breath and nod quickly, not able to find my voice. I’m still tipsy from the wine, but I’m excited to see if this could actually become something. I blink up at him and hiss, “Yessss.”

  He’s across the console and my new skirt is up around my waist in an instant. His fingers are moving in jerky circular motions over my pubic bone, just above and to the right of where I need them to be.

  “There’s a condom in the cup tray,” he whispers into my neck. “Put it on my dick.”

  I do. He’s lines himself up with me but he’s still rubbing the wrong spot so I sweetly ask, “Can you move your fingers a little lower?”

  He pushes into me and groans loudly. “Why, you don’t like your clit to be touched? That’s not going to work for us.”

  He pumps in and out really, really slow.

  “See, um, that’s the thing. You’re not touching my clit it’s—”

  “I do know where a clit is.”

  He slides out all the way and in all the way.

  “I can’t wait until Claudia can lick it while I do this. Oh fuck, oh yeah.” He bucks up and grunts.

  Did he just come? And say Claudia was going to lick something on me? “Wait, what did you just say?” I can’t believe he’s finished. He’s finished and still talking about Claudia. He rolls off me and back onto the driver’s side of the car.

  My skirt is still up over my hips and I’m frustrated as anything. I look down at my lady bits and back up to him. “So that’s it?” I see red. I am so pissed off and I can’t even explain why. Emotions just bubble and boil up over the surface of my skin.

  I’m not good enough for Nate. He’s fucking Julia. Dex is an asshole but he is the only one who has given my body an Oh in the last eight years. My mother is setting me up on dates. And Adam still thinks I’m going to have a threesome with him. And all of a sudden, I’ve spiraled from frigid Plain Jane to Horny Harlot in a matter of weeks.

  Oh hell no.

  “Oh, you didn’t come? Shit, baby. I’m sorry.”

  Baby? I push down my skirt to cover myself, angrily.

  “Later on tonight, after my parents are asleep, we can have Claudia take care of you. I love to watch, it’s my favorite thing in the—”

  “No.” I open the door and practically fall over myself trying to get out. “There is no me and Claudia, got it. You, Adam, you’re an asshole.” I slam the car door on him as he yells back. I don’t even hear what he says.

  Exes are exes for reasons. There’s no way I should have taken something I’d thrown out in the trash and tried it
on again thinking it would be a better fit this time. I should have known better. I wrote an article like this a few months ago.

  I jog across the street. My new blouse is somehow ripped, my clothes are all askew, and from the front window, my mother is watching me in my walk of shame. My desperation is showing. Why can’t I find normal men? Why do I even think I need one anyway? I can easily spend the rest of my life using my vibrator and hold deeper conversations with it than I can with most men.

  “Oh, you’re home early, how was your date?” my mother says as she holds the door open for me.

  “Just like it was when we dated eight years ago. I’m stumbling home thinking romance is dead, Adam is still plotting out threesomes, and I’ve lost all faith that any man could find my clit even if it had a GPS attached to it.”

  “Janie,” she gasps.

  “Well, you asked, Mom.”

  Chapter 15

  It’s Thursday night and I’m standing outside Julia’s apartment door holding a bottle of wine, trying to talk myself into knocking. I just don’t want to go inside. Low conversations and laughter come from the other side of the door, it’s far back and muddled; they must be in her kitchen. Nate’s deep voice mumbles something and Julia answers in a hearty laugh. My pulse throbs in my head. I don’t want to want him anymore—maybe I need more time away.

  I start pacing and trying out a throaty cough. I think it’s best if I just pretend I have the flu or mad cow disease or something. Is mad cow disease even a thing anymore? I cough again. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I ask Siri what whooping cough sounds like.

  I do a poor rendition of it.

  At the other end of the hallway, the elevator bings and Heath, Silvia from marketing, and Dex the ass-stump step out. I’m still practicing my horrible rendition of a whooping cough that I was inoculated from when I was a child.

  Jesus, why would Julia invite Dex?

  The three of them join me and say their hellos, then the four of us just hang out in front of the door, staring at it. I cough again. They look at me suspiciously.

  “Did you knock? Maybe they didn’t hear it?” Silvia asks, pointing to the door.

  My face heats and I look down at the wine bottle like an idiot. “Yeah, they probably didn’t hear it.”

  Silvia raps her knuckles on the door and Dex takes a small step back and angles his body to face mine. He crosses his arms over his chest and narrows his eyes at me.

  I don’t remember him being so tall and broad. Silvia knocks again, this time with a closed hammer fist. Silvia from marketing is no joke.

  Dex is still staring at me, then he leans closer, “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he growls. His warm breath tickles my ear. “You were trying to pretend to be sick so you could get out of this.”

  “No! I was not.” I will deny it until the day I die.

  Before Dex can accuse me of any other atrocities, Julia’s door swings open and Nate stands in the doorway, smiling happily.

  How cozy, he’s answering her door now. I feel sick and not whooping cough pretend sick.

  “Hey! You’re all here!” Nate laughs.

  Is it me, or do Nate’s eyes linger on me longer than everyone else’s? Dex shoots a curious look at me as we walk in, but I choose to ignore it and focus all my pretending on him not being here.

  After us comes two other men, Jared who introduces himself as: “Hi, I’m Jared, which one of you is the other gay man I’m going home with tonight?” and Henry, a handsome quiet man, who I can only suppose is slated for me.

  Henry drinks four glasses of wine before he even sits at the table.

  * * *

  Predictably, dinner is awkward, which we resolve by drinking excessively. The more we drink, the more comfortable everyone seems to get. Except for me, actually, I feel as if I’m on a tight rope ready to fall. Every time I look at Nate, his eyes are already on mine. I always look away first, but it keeps happening in this vicious, sexually amped-up loop. Someone has said something. I look at him and he’s already staring at me. I look away and back to the beginning of the loop we go.

  “I emailed you. About the politics in social media article. I haven’t heard back from you.” Dex is next to me and all I can think about is stabbing him with my fork. Whose idea was this seating plan? Because it sucks. Aren’t I supposed to be paired up with Henry?

  Henry is almost comatose at the table.

  I jump up to help Julia in the kitchen. Silvia follows my lead and when we return with the food, I steal her spot so she can sit in mine. I don’t think she minds, because she’s immediately leaning into Dex and giggling into his shoulder.

  Dex stiffens visibly, and his eyes shoot across the table to mine. I offer him a tight smile, one which I assume he would understand given our recent history and communal loathing between us, but he doesn’t smile back. Instead he stares as me like I’ve killed his kitten.

  “Everything looks great, babe,” Nate says, smiling toward Julia.

  “Oh, it was no big deal,” she replies, as I cover my hand over a laugh. I saw the catering bags in the garbage, who is she kidding?

  Julia pours herself a glass of wine and asks, “So, has anyone heard the rumors that Metropolitan is shifting to digital-only publication?” Metropolitan is one of UPCLOSE’s leading competitors in the magazine industry, it’s practically the mirror image of ours.

  “Where did you hear that?” Dex asks, glass of wine at his lips, and eyes her curiously.

  “In the Hamptons, this past weekend. Nate and I went on a little getaway.” She reaches out and pinches Nate on the arm in her adorable perky way. “It was one of the only times we actually left our bedroom.”

  Nate’s eyes meet mine, his face, I swear, turning a shade lighter.

  I hold his stare for a moment before looking away.

  The conversation slips into a debate about the two magazines, with Dex and Nate taking opposing sides. I take Nate’s side just so that I wouldn’t be on the same team at Dex.

  “The industry is on the verge of—”

  “Of what?” Dex cuts him off, sharply. “Print magazines are drowning. There are thousands upon thousands of trendier, online-only platforms that multiply faster than bunnies fuck. The next big thing is going to be social media news. It’s already happening. It’s understandable that Metro is doing it.”

  Nate talks through a mouthful of food. “I just don’t agree with it. Once you let go of print, you’re just another website.”

  “You don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Dex says, tilting his head in my direction. “Jane. Back me up here, you wrote that—”

  “Nope.” I take a deep gulp of my wine and smile down at my plate.

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m not taking your side in this discussion.”

  He leans forward, frustrated. “Why? I know you agree with me. You wrote the industry article on it at the end of last year.”

  “Because it’s your side.”

  Dex looks straight at me with those honey-colored eyes. His lips part, and I wait for whatever shitty thing he’s about to say, but he remains silent, surprising me. I shiver, even though it’s not at all cold in the room.

  “Well, I think digital-only is the future of the industry,” Heath pipes in. “So I will agree with you, Dex…” He says more stuff and Julia tries three more times to bring up the subject about her and Nate sleeping together in the Hamptons.

  Dex continues his leveled stare at me.

  I continue to drink, and on the other side of Nate, so does Julia.

  “What do you think from a marketing standpoint, Silvia?” Nate asks.

  She smiles crookedly. “I think anywhere Jane Nash writes, marketing is easy and so is selling magazines, digital or print.” She’s drunk. She waves her hands in the air and points to me. “Her and her antics are the entire magazine. People will follow wherever the content goes, trust me.”

  “Oh my God, wait!” Jared says, choking back on his drink. “You’re that Jan
e? Jane Nash? You’re the sexy little gothic vixen from the live feed! And don’t even get me started on the horse head guy!”

  Kill me now.

  Dex flashes a grimace at Jared, then turns his glare to me—only it’s not a glare. There’s a touch of color that plays on his cheeks and a softness around his eyes.

  “She’s not that kind of a girl,” Nate blurts out, defensively. Henry, who has been softly snoring this whole time, perks up for a minute then falls right back to sleep sitting up.

  I wonder what kind of girl Nate thinks I am? My blood floods with heat, and anger, and something way beyond humiliating. Does Nate really think I didn’t do those things?

  “Wait,” Dex says in a slow steady voice. “Are you implying that women who have sex, you know—” he makes air quotes with his hands. “Those kinds of girls. Are you saying those women are anything other than normal?”

  Dex just kind of, sort of, defended my honor. Well, not necessarily mine, but all women. My cheeks flush hotter.

  It must be the wine.

  “No, no way,” Nate laughs and throws a smirk my way with a little gleam to his eye. “Jane, you know what I’m getting at, right?”

  I have no clue what he’s getting at, but I smile wanting the conversation about my sex life to burst into flames and die a horrible death, never to be thought about again.

  “Well, I find your exploits glorious, don’t ever stop them,” Jared says. “Are you two a couple in real life?” His points his finger between me and Dex, and both of us stumble over each other to say no the loudest.

  “Could have fooled me,” Jared says under his breath.

  The room gets quiet. I squirm in my seat.

  “So, um,” I stammer. “What were the pitches for this week, what’s everyone working on?” I’m making a terrible mess of things, but I desperately want to change the subject and talk about anything other than me and Dex.

  “I’m doing a fluff story about athletes and their sexual stamina,” Julia slurs, sipping more wine. She bursts out laughing and points to Dex, “He’s got to do a fluff piece on the perfect kiss.”