Are You There, Karma? It’s Me, Jane.: A laugh out loud romantic comedy

by Zolendz, Christine

  She looks down at her shirt and she sobs. “Can you take this to the dry cleaners for me right away? If you don’t it’ll be ruined.”

  “Sure,” I say, pulling the drenched material over her head. She’s not wearing a bra underneath and my jaw clenches at how perfectly flawless her breasts are. Round, firm, and perky, with dark rosy centers and peaked tight nipples beyond compare. Julia is like an exact replica of a Barbie Doll.

  She starts rolling down her leggings and I want to scream to the gods of beauty about the injustice of it all. Every inch of her skin is unblemished, not one strand of hair, no stretch marks or cellulite, nothing. I turn the shower on and busy myself with regulating its temperature so I don’t just stand and stare.

  “Okay, the water seems warm enough. Wash up and I’ll go get you some warm clothes.”

  “Noooo,” she moans, “don’t leave me. I’m so dizzy.”

  So, I stay as she slowly washes herself, and then I help her out of the shower and get her dressed.

  * * *

  “Is she okay?” Nate asks when I quietly close Julia’s bedroom door behind me.

  Startled, I flinch back. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, she just drank way too much. She’s asleep now, I doubt she’ll vomit again so you don’t have to worry about peeking in on her all day so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit.”

  “Oh, I can’t anyway. I have to get to work.”

  “Oh, right. Yeah, me too.” I wonder if he would have stayed to make sure she was okay if I didn’t live next door to her. What would he have done? “I gave her a quick shower too, and clean clothes.”

  He stares at me for a minute, and looks down to the floor nervously. Shit, he isn’t going to mention the amazing kiss-cam perfect-kiss moment, is he? Then I might puke on him if he does.

  “Thanks, I really can’t handle puke,” he whispers.

  “Oh, yeah. No problem.” It is though, actually. She’s his girlfriend and he told her he loved her last night, he should be able to hold her hair back when she needs him to.

  I head for the door, feeling awkward and suddenly sweaty.

  “So, you and Dex, huh? You guys are a thing?” The words explode from his mouth in a quick accusing tone.

  “Me and Dex?” Yes, I think I’ll just play stupid. It’s none of his business anyway if he’s in love with my perfectly, flawless best friend. I fix my eyes on his and say nothing.

  “Yeah,” Nate says frowning. “You know, him staying over at your place, making breakfast… so you’re sleeping with him? You two are together?”

  “Oh, that. No, we’re just—well, we hate each other, really.” I smile at myself when I think of how we called a truce, like we’re five years old. I can’t help it, but a giggle bubbles out and I shut it down immediately by sucking in my lips.

  He stills. His body stiffens. “So you usually have people you hate stay over for breakfast?”

  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he sounded jealous. Why does he sound jealous? And he looks so perfect, even with his hair all messed up and a sleepless night behind him. Why couldn’t we have just stayed at that game? Why didn’t he just ask me for my name or out to dinner? Why couldn’t I have him? “Well?” he asks again. I watch the bob of his Adam’s apple.

  “It’s not like that with me and Dex,” I say in a quiet voice.

  He rubs the back of his neck and laughs. “You both looked pretty comfortable at the costume party together.”

  The insinuation pierces into my heart and rips across my chest in a fiery jagged line. “There’s nothing happening right now between me and Dex Vanstone.” My words are growls and tears burn humiliatingly at the corners of my eyes.

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes, positively sure. That was just—”

  “I didn’t like watching it. I hated seeing it.” His lips curl up into a snarl.

  My body freezes in place and my chest feels as if it’s about to cave in on itself. “Yeah,” my voice cracks on the word, “well, I’m sure it must have looked horrible.” I certainly don’t look like Julia under my clothes. I look actually human, too human, with every flaw blaring at anyone who wants to peek.

  He shakes his head curtly. “No, it’s not that. It was hot. It was incredibly hot. It was so hot that when I came back with Julia and we slept together, it wasn’t Julia I was thinking about. It was you bent over in that gothic get-up and the way your face looks when you cum. And it’s tearing me apart inside.”

  My heart explodes. I’m dead. I can’t breathe.

  “It’s tearing you apart? No, it isn’t. You’re just not in your honeymoon phase anymore, that’s all.” I need to get away from him. I want to run to him and throw myself out the window at the same time. “Isn’t that what happens in relationships, isn’t that a normal thing after the newness of stuff wears off? You saw two people having sex and it was arousing. That’s it.” I back out of Julia’s apartment and rush down the hallway into mine. Nate rushes after me and pushes through my door.

  “That’s not it, it’s way more than that, Jane. It’s not normal to think about your girlfriend’s best friend as much as I think of you,” he says in a whispery voice.

  In my kitchen, Dex drops something with a tremendously loud bang.

  I clear my throat, but the words still sound full of emotion and want. “I think you need to go, Nate.”

  He leans forward, close enough for his lips to brush against my ear and his words come quick and whispery. “Jane, I’m sorry. I don’t mean anything by it. I would never do anything to hurt either of you. I just needed to tell you and I shouldn’t have, I’m just—I’m still a little drunk from last night—and all the puke.”

  I nod numbly and close the door when he walks away.

  Chapter 18

  “Your boobs look amazing in that shirt.” It’s Monday morning after the dinner party and Julia is clutching a travel mug of herbal tea to her chest while staring down mine. “They look enormous. What did you do?”

  I groan and cover my face with the copy I’m revising. “I didn’t do anything, Julia,” I whisper scream at her. “I just have on a tighter shirt.”

  Her eyebrows hit her hairline. “Your boobs are that big? Really?”

  There’s a quick motion to the right of me and suddenly Dex’s face is rubbernecking at the collision between Julia’s eyes and my breasts. “Did someone say something about boobs? I personally love boobs.” His lips curve up into a mouthy grin and he gives me a wink. “Honestly, my love for breasts knows no bounds.”

  “What do you want, Dex?” I ask, rapping him on the head with the pages I hold in my hand. I figure, we have that kind of friendly relationship now, right? The one where I can whack him in the head with things and he won’t call HR on me.

  His eyes drop to my chest and his smile widens. “Just wondering if anyone needs a motorboat?”

  “You’re an animal, you know that, right?” I say, laughing. There’s something a little strange and awkward that happens to me when I realize Dex and I are kind of flirting with each other—I make this kind of snorting high-pitched nervous laugh that I have to stop by covering my mouth with my hand.

  He smirks and walks away with a saunter. “Just call me back when you need one.”

  Another weird snort bursts out of me. If it were anyone else but Dex, I’d probably be mortified in front of them, but it’s Dex and our Netflix binge somehow bonded us. I roll my eyes and look back at Julia. She’s still gawking at my shirt. “So, anyway. You look kind of sexy today and I have a great idea.”

  “What idea is that?” I ask

  “Dinner, after work. Let’s go out. I’ll have Nate call one of his friends and we can double.”

  Julia’s just chock full of bad decisions lately. “I think maybe I’ll pass on dinner.” I stand up and collect the rest of my article to bring to Gail for final edits.

  “Please,” she whispers with a tight flat-lipped smile that makes me sit back down.

  “Julia? What’s wrong?”<
br />
  She darts her eyes around quickly and sighs. “It’s just that sometimes I find Nate and I don’t talk a lot. We have sex constantly.” She twists her fingers together. “And, I like that part, but I want us to have other things in common. Please. I know he mentioned to me when he came over after work the day I took off, that he had a great friend to set you up with. He promises it won’t be drunk Henry.” She takes a sip of her tea and gives me a puppy-dog stare over the rim of her mug. “Pretty please?”

  I sigh and wave a flippant hand at her. “A quick dinner. And just because I have to eat something, not because I need you or your boyfriend to set me up on a date. Again.”

  She claps her hands happily, but I feel awful. Why does everyone think trapping me in an awkward social situation with someone of the opposite sex is the only way I could get a date?

  For the rest of the day, I sneak glances at Dex’s desk, waiting for him to come back. I want to tell him what Julia said about Nate to see what he thinks of it, but he doesn’t come back from his fieldwork.

  At five o’clock, Julia pulls on her jacket and whistles at me. “I’m running to the ladies’ room, you almost done? I told Nate 5:30.”

  I nod and watch her walk away then glance at Dex’s seat one more time. Still empty. We’ve only ever corresponded through emails before, and only about work, but I decide to send him a quick text.

  Jane: Hey! It was quiet without you here. Guess where I’m headed…

  Dex: Strip club?

  Jane: NO! Jane asked me to double with her and Nate.

  Dex: Not with that drunk guy from the dinner thing, I hope?

  Jane: She promised it wouldn’t be. But this is why I’m texting you: she begged me to go because she feels like her and Nate have nothing in common!

  Dex: That’s not good.

  Jane: Yeah, I thought that might make you smile.

  Dex: Why?

  Jane: Because you like her.

  Dex: Yeah, she’s okay. But she makes too many fake porn sounds during sex.

  Jane: LMAO

  Dex: Do you think she really came?

  Jane: I don’t know.

  Dex: But you did, didn’t you? ;)

  Jane: You are so bad.

  Dex: Have fun on your double date.

  We meet Nate and his friend Greg at a small Thai place close to our apartment. They’re already sitting inside at a table and Greg stands as we take off our coats and say our hellos. I’m surprised when Greg doesn’t ogle Julia like all the other guys usually do, he just stands like a gentleman and gives me a strong handshake. Nate stays in his seat and gives the obligatory eye-fucking Julia’s presence always commands.

  Greg’s good-looking—tall, sandy blond hair, well-built and to top it all off, a bright blue gaze. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jane,” he says with a friendly smile.

  “You too.”

  “Nate’s told me a lot about you.”

  Well, that’s not good. I smile and my cheeks flame. “Don’t believe everything you hear,” I laugh awkwardly.

  “Nothing bad, trust me,” Nate chuckles on the other side of him.

  A lot of small talk ensues. I order something off the menu that Jane and Nate promise won’t be hot, but I come to find when my dinner arrives, I’m dining with a bunch of big fat liars. One bite and tears are blurring my vision and my tongue is hot lava.

  I drink fifteen glasses of icy water for dinner and I have to get up to pee three times. Why Julia swore to me the dish I ordered wasn’t spicy, I have no idea, but I do know since I could barely speak, there’s hardly any conversation during the whole fifty-six-minute dinner ordeal. Julia glares at me with pleading eyes the entire time. I go a little overboard on pretending the torrid temperature of my tongue is too painful for words.

  Greg is nice, though. He looks miserable that I’m miserable, and when the plates are cleared and we all chip in to pay the bill, Julia asks Greg and I out for after-dinner drinks.

  “After-dinner drinks?” I ask, stunned. I didn’t even eat dinner, I don’t want to drink on an empty stomach. “No, I’m passing on drinks tonight. All my taste buds have been singed off, I won’t taste anything.”

  She sneaks me that puppy-dog look again but this time I ignore it and slide my coat over my shoulders. Greg stands up when I do and immediately helps me. “How about I call a cab home for you?” he asks.

  I look up at him and smile. “Oh no, I only live three blocks away.”

  “Great,” he says, smiling wider. “Let me walk you home, then.”

  I nod, grateful someone around me has manners.

  “Oh, okay,” Julia says sadly. “I’m really sorry about your dinner, Jane.”

  No you’re not, I want to say. Of course, I don’t, though. I just walk out of the restaurant and continue to feign burning tongue sensations until I’m no longer in her line of sight.

  Greg and I walk to the corner in silence and suddenly I’m overwhelmed with wanting to be alone. I fight back tears, but when I tilt my head up to tell Greg, he says, “Jane, you must be starving, can I please take you somewhere you can properly have a meal? On me, since you just chipped in for a dinner for four and your caloric intake was zero.”

  My chest feels a little looser and my stomach rumbles loudly. “That would be awesome, but nothing big. Here,” I point to a small coffee house that serves hand-tossed salads and fresh sandwiches. “I’ll get a salad and a water.”

  Greg opens the door for me, and just like he said he would, he buys me a proper meal and a coffee for himself. He even sits with me while I eat it.

  “So, what’s the story there? What was all that about? Aren’t you and Julia close friends?” he asks.

  Before I answer, I take a huge bite of my salad and moan. He laughs. “I’m not really sure what the hell that was,” I say after I swallow. “Julia and Nate have been forcing me to double-date with them and honestly it’s been one disaster after another.”

  “Oh, do tell,” he says sipping at his coffee. He’s got great lips. Sexy lips. Sexy lips I want to tell stories to.

  But not all the stories. Only the decent ones.

  “Last Friday night, they invited me to a dinner party.” I do air quotes with my fingers to exaggerate the words. “They paired me up with a guy who is a full-fledged alcoholic. He was passed out at the dinner table and nobody did anything about it. She also invited this guy from work I despise, but that part turned out weirdly fine.”

  “And tonight, they both just thought it would be funny to tell you the dish you chose for dinner wasn’t the spiciest on the menu?”

  I shrug and shove another forkful of salad in my mouth.

  “I didn’t know what was happening or I would have warned you.” He takes another small sip of coffee like he’s cherishing the flavor. “Does she do those things to you often?”

  “Not really.”

  He leans back on his chair with a thoughtful expression on his face. He really is a very handsome man. Julia and Nate can’t be too bad if they wanted to set me up with him. They just have an awful sense of humor with their practical jokes. Greg is kind and warm and they thought he would be great for me—there can’t be any malice in what they did.

  “And they told you to come out with us tonight so they could set you up with me?” His words suddenly don’t sound very promising and my stomach rolls uneasily.

  “You’re making it sound like you had no idea this was supposed to be a set-up.” The waves in my stomach coil higher and I set my fork down next to my plastic salad bowl fearful I might need to run to the restroom to expel everything I just inhaled.

  Greg cleared his throat and leaned forward. “It’s just that—and Nate is well aware of this fact—I’m transferring for work to California next month. To live.”

  My stomach drops.

  He lays his hand over my hand. “This may not be something your friend Julia knows, but like I said. Nate knows.”

  “So, he set you up with me knowing you were not going to want to b
egin a relationship with someone?” My voice is a trembling mess. Why would Nate do that to me?

  “Honestly, Jane. I wish I wasn’t leaving because I would really like to get to know you. But right now, I’m not in a place in my life where I want to start something long distance.”

  “Oh, yeah. Of course.” I push my plate away, unable to even look at the food. I’m still ravenous, but the thought of projectile vomiting all over this nice man is a very real possibility. “You don’t have to explain. I understand, believe me I do.”

  He stands and holds out his hand for a businesslike handshake. “Well then, Jane. It was a pleasure. If you’re ever in California, look me up.”

  I offer him a closed mouth smile and a nod. I’ll never see Greg again, whether he just made up that whole moving scenario to get out of another date with me or if it were true, either way I wasn’t seeing him ever again. And that was fine.

  Greg makes his way to the exit, and I watch him walk through the door and leave. I’m left alone, nestled in a table against smudged windows with a view of Greg as he strolls down the street.

  A bunch of loud teenage girls cupping their coffees sit at the open table next to mine. They’re all wearing identical outfits: skinny jeans with boots, tight sweaters and cute little jackets. Everyone’s hair is shiny and straight, their complexions clear and tan. I don’t even remember going to coffee houses when I was younger, hanging out with my friends. I don’t really remember ever fitting in with any crowd.

  I drag myself out and onto the sidewalk and just stand there. Still. Looking around. Feeling really defeated and sad.

  I pull out my phone, but there’s no one to call.

  I scroll through my contacts but the only name that pops out at me is Dex’s.

  Jane: I just got set up on a date with someone who is moving to California next month, until forever.

  I start walking home, but I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket almost immediately.

  Dex: WTF?

  Jane: My thoughts exactly. AND, I was tricked into eating a spicy meal. I took one bite and that was it. I almost died.