by Ian Todd
“Excuse me, lass,” the voice fae behind her said, making her jump.
“Aye?”
“My name’s PC Ross and this is PC Corey. We were wondering if you wouldn’t mind answering a few questions?” the skinny wan asked.
“Er, oh, Ah’m sorry, bit, er, Ah’m like, in a hurry, so Ah am.”
“Oh, it won’t take long,” the wan called Corey said, staunin aside as she noticed the squad car fur the first time, sitting there wae the back passenger door open.
“Oh, er, whit’s it aboot?”
“It’s about a spate of burglaries in the area, aye, burglaries,” the first wan informed her.
“Burglaries? Bit, bit surely ye don’t think that…”
“Please, lass. It should only take a few minutes,” Mr Skinny soothed encouragingly, spreading his erms oot so that his right wan wis covering her back and the other wis acting like a conductor towards the back seat.
“Oh, er,” she replied reluctantly, slipping in and sitting doon, shaking like a leaf at the sight ae the broon leather gun holster peeking oot fae the bottom ae Mr Skinny’s jaicket.
11.45 AM
They’d picked her up jist before the corner ae Lawrence Street and Byres Road. It hid been the only place in the street that she’d managed tae get a parking space earlier efter she’d finished her shift. There hid been something oan roond at The Kelvin Halls the night before and the streets roond aboot the area wur crammed wae parked-up cars. If it hidnae been fur the uniforms, she’d hiv screamed the place doon.
“Sorry, lass, but you’ll be coming with us,” the big giant ae a sergeant hid informed her as she wis roughly bundled intae the back ae the car.
“Whit the…”
“Now, lass, why don’t you chust sit there and enjoy the ride. We’ll get you to where you’re going,” The Bear’s voice hid growled.
She’d sat back and kept her mooth shut, wondering if they hid anything tae dae wae Duggie Dougan or The Gruesome Twosome. When the bear hid wrapped his erms roond her and walked wae her tae the car wae her feet up a couple ae inches aff the ground before slinging her in, she’d felt his gun holster against her hip. She pressed baith hauns wae the inside ae her knees tae stoap them shaking. The driver kept gieing her wee fly looks in the mirror wae they eyes ae his. They didnae look like killers, bit ye jist never knew these days. And they badges they wur wearing? She’d never come across wans like that before. They certainly wurnae Glesga polis, no wae they sing-song accents. She knew she should’ve felt mair alarmed than she wis, bit they hidnae attempted tae put a pair ae cuffs oan her. Who wur they and whit wur they efter, she wondered, deliberating whether tae lean o’er and pick up her shoulder bag that wis sitting between the two front passenger seats in front ae her.
“Here we are, lass,” The Giant announced pleasantly, getting oot ae his side ae the car and coming roond tae haud the door open fur her.
“Bit?” she asked, confused, staunin there, looking up towards the wee bridge o’er the canal.
There wis somewan staunin in the middle ae it, looking doon intae the water.
“Bit…”
“On you go, lass. She doesn’t bite,” The Giant said gently, before quickly adding wae a wee chuckle, “At least, most of the time.”
11.46 AM
“Hellooooo, Martin, darling,” Donna The Prima Donna shrilled doon the line tae Sir Martin Blake, as Wee Mary McManus stepped in tae her office wae a sheath ae papers in her haun.
Donna smiled at her and nodded fur her tae put the papers doon oan tae her desk. As she turned tae leave, Donna clicked her fingers tae draw Wee Mary’s attention back tae her.
“Sit doon,” she mouthed, nodding tae the chair oan the other side ae her desk, screwing her face up and rolling her eyes skywards as she listened tae whit wis being said tae her oan the other end ae the line.
Wee Mary smiled, pulling a chair up and plapping that arse ae hers doon oan tae it.
“Oh, Ah’m really sorry, Sir Martin…oh right…okay, Martin it is fae noo oan,” she agreed, kicking aff her shoes and putting her feet up oan tae the desk, winking across at the school lassie.
“Aye, Ah know ye’ve been asking me oot fur a meal fur a while noo, bit Ah’ve jist been run aff ae they poor wee feet ae mine,” she whimpered, exaggerating her distressed apology.
“Aye, Ah know making money isnae everything, bit a poor soul like me his tae work hard tae put butter oan the table, so Ah dae…me being a poor wee wummin and aw that.”
“Okay Ah gie in. Whit’s the big secret?”
“Aw, go on, Ah promise Ah won’t breath a word tae a soul,” she pouted, emphasising her hurt, chastising him fur making oot that he didnae trust her as she put two fingers doon her throat, making oot tae Wee Mary that she wis aboot tae throw up.
The teenager put her haun up and covered that giggling mooth ae hers.
“Me? Glesga Businesswummin Ae The Year? Get away!” Donna gasped, genuinely this time, as she sat up and they size nines ae hers thudded oan tae the carpet.
“The nominations closed last night? So, er, who nominated me then?”
“You? Ach, ye’re pulling ma leg, so ye ur. There must be mair smarter and mair successful businesswummin than me oot there.”
“Ah’m no being modest. Ah’m serious,” she lied.
“Ye’ve jist gone and made me feel guilty noo, efter refusing yer invites oot tae dinner this past year, so ye hiv.”
“Whit?”
“Aw, ye’ve goat me aw blushing noo, Sir, er, Martin, ya big bad cat, ye,” she shrilled, laughing like some wee sex-pot fae wan ae Sleazebag Donald’s dirty flicks, gieing Wee Mary another chance tae witness they sarcastic rolling eyes ae hers.
“Ah’ll consider a meal, bit Ah’m no promising.”
“Aye, Ah know ye kin introduce me tae a lot ae influential people, bit Ah widnae know how tae handle masel in that type ae company…me being a helpless wee wummin and aw that,” Donna repeated, taking a drag ae her fag, as Wee Mary aboot buckled up wae laughter.
“Ye will? Aw, is that no nice. Well, as long ye look efter me, then Ah’m prepared tae allow ma name tae be put forward.”
“The meal? Well, why don’t we discuss it efter the awards ceremony, eh? Ah mean, Ah might jist be too distressed if Ah don’t win it.”
“Ah will? Oh, ye sound really influential, so ye dae, whit wae you being the chairman ae the panel and aw that.”
“Look…Martin, Ah’ll hiv tae go. There’s an important long-term investment jist arrived at ma desk.”
“And you, tae…Mwah, Mwah, Mwah,” she pouted wae they lips ae hers, making disgusting ripping kissing noises doon the receiver, before hinging up.
“And that, Mary, hen, is how it’s done, so it is,” she declared, as Mary jist aboot pished hersel laughing.
“That wis pure dead brilliant, so it wis,” Wee Mary replied, laughing. “Is he handsome?”
“Handsome? Him? Fuck, they modelled Mr Toad ae Toad Hall oan that slimy prick. Every time Ah come across him, Ah always wish Ah’d taken a dishtowel wae me fur when the basturt gies me a kiss oan ma cheek…ugh!” Donna coughed, shivering. “So, whit dae ye think then? This being yer first day ae real work experience.”
“It’s great, so it is. The lassies in the office hiv been really nice and welcoming, so they hiv.”
“Aye, well, that’s because they know something you don’t.”
“Oh?”
“The day efter you leave The Albert, wan ae ma people will be up tae that closemooth ae yers tae get yer wee arse doon here pretty pronto, so they will. Ah’ve goat great plans fur you, Mary, hen. There’s a nice wee desk, no as big as mine, mind ye, that’ll be arriving here this efternoon, wae your name oan it. It’ll be sitting across there behind ye. Furget everything ye learned at school, hen. Yer formal education’s jist aboot tae start the day ye turn fifteen.”
“Me? A desk in here?” Wee Mary gasped, looking aboot the luxurious office.
“Aye, and ye’ll hiv the best
ae these new fangled Solid State electronic calculators that’s ever been made, so ye will. It’ll be nothing bit the best fae here oan in. You’re gaun places, girl, and Ah’m jist the right Fairy Godmother tae haud that wee haun ae yers while we bleed aw they basturts oot there dry,” Donna said seriously, wae a swish ae her erm towards the windae, jist before the baith ae them cracked up laughing. “Right, first things first. Go and gie that Maggie Johnston wan oot there a shout tae bring a wee pot ae char through fur us. Oh, another thing, Mary, hen, in case Ah furget. If that ma ae yers finds oot that ye’ve been dogging school, you jist mind and tell her that it’s goat absolutely nothing tae dae wae me, so it hisnae.”
11.59 AM
“Hello, Collette. My name’s Superintendent Murdina Munro,” the stranger turned and said, as Collette nearly fainted oan realising that it wis a wummin that wis addressing her. “It’s alright dear. Don’t be alarmed. I just want to have a little chat with you…alone,” the mirage said, wae a wee hint ae a smile, nodding at the two bears who wur staunin leaning oan the car fifty yards away.
“Oh, Ah, er, Ah wis supposed tae be meeting somewan…as in…here,” Collette admitted, looking fae left tae right, alang the deserted paths ae the canal.
“Geraldine? Oh, I understand she’s been delayed.”
“Whit, she’s been arrested?” Collette yelped, panic in her voice.
“No, no. There’s been a spate of burglaries in the flats around about where she lives. My little Skulks are out and about trying to find out if any of the residents have come across anything suspicious. Purely routine.”
“Oh, er, right.”
Silence.
“Look? I’ve brought some bread for the ducks,” The Super announced, haudin up the broon paper poke in her leather-gloved haun. “Shall we go for a little walk and see where they’ve got to?”
Collette’s heid wis spinning noo. Whit wis gaun oan? She looked back at the squad car as she followed the superintendent. The goon squad wur noo sitting silently, watching them through the windscreen fae the two front seats. She couldnae detect a bulge at the waist in front ae her. She’d never heard ae female bizzies being let near a gun let alone being allowed tae carry wan.
“The badges, oan the officers who, er, picked me up…literally,” she stuttered, getting another wee smile in return. “Ah’ve never come across them before. Hiv they jist been newly introduced?”
“Collette, those badges state to the good citizens of Glasgow that the boys from the Highlands have at last, arrived in their midst. And not before time, either,” The Super replied, stoapping tae light up a thin cigar.
“The Highlands?” Collette asked, surprised. “Bit…”
“They’re the best in the land, bar none. Follow orders to a T. You’ll have to become acquainted with my Inspector McSwein. He’s another fine figure of a man. Known throughout the Highlands as The Highland Fox. Criminals fear him, grandmothers love him and honest citizens welcome him with open arms. Always gets his man too.”
“Bit…bit how come youse ur in a dump like Glesga then?”
“Collette, Glasgow isn’t a dump. It well-known all over the world as The Garden City,” she reminded the young WPC, dipping her leather-bound fingers intae her wee poke and scattering some breid tae the ducks, who wur gliding in fae everywhere. “Granted there are a few weeds…well, more than a few, but that’s where we come in. Our job is to pluck out the roots and replant with beautiful flowers.”
“We?”
“Why, yes…you and I. Welcome to the team,” The Super beamed, sounding awfully pious, as she turned tae face Collette.
Colette wis noo convinced that the wummin in the superintendent’s uniform wis as mad as a box ae frogs. Surely she must’ve escaped fae the funny farm. Bit, who wur the armed bears sitting back there in the unmarked set ae wheels watching them? They looked real enough tae her.
“Collette, I believe you have something of interest in that nice shoulder bag of yours,” The Super asked her, her eyes narrowing tae slits, bit the voice still sounding sugary sweet.
“Whit…er…oh, bit…” she spluttered, gripping oan tae the straps wae baith hauns.
“But first, let’s take a seat, shall we?” The Super suggested, pointing tae the same bench that she’d sat and spoken tae Susan McFarlane oan. “I know that it’s cold, but the air is fresh, a rare commodity in Glasgow for a lot of decent people. Why don’t you tell me your story, dear. How did you end up on a cold autumn morning, speaking to someone like me? What’s your journey been like?” The Super continued, they eyes ae hers noo back tae being inviting and saft.
“Er, so ye’re aware ae the letters…the testimonials ae the ex poliswummin?”
“Collette, dear, I make it my business to know everything,” she replied, crossing her legs and lighting up another Panatela.
“Oh, Ah’m no too sure where tae start.”
“Why, at the beginning, dear,” The Super replied, lifting up her haun and gently placing it oan Collette’s knee.
Collette sat in silence, collecting her thoughts. Although it wis freezing, an autumn sun wis trying tae break through the heavy grey and black clouds gathering above them. The ducks wur wandering aboot their ankles and under the bench, wae google-eyes, hoping tae be the next in line fur a scrap ae breid. She turned and gazed alang the canal towards Maryhill and Partick. The rumble ae the traffic in the distance telt them that, although the wee oasis that they wur anchored in could’ve passed fur the countryside, the wet slate oan the roof taps ae the tenements doon the hill they’d jist passed oan the way up, contradicted that assumption. She lay her shoulder bag oan the seat between them. Despite fighting tae keep her emotions in check, she felt the wet tears escaping doon her cheeks, as the gloved-haun resting oan her knee, slipped intae her haun and gied it a wee reassuring squeeze. She took a deep breath and started tae speak. She started aff slowly at first before gathering pace. At wan point, The Super gied her a beautiful, clean, embroidered, folded white hanky tae dab away at they eyes ae hers. She never asked her any questions other than tae ask fur clarification ae a name, the spelling ae another wan, or a date in any particular year.
Silence.
“Whit happens noo?” Collette sobbed when she’d finished, trying tae haun back the damp, crumpled hanky.
“You keep it, dear. It was made by my dear old grandmother who lived until she was a hundred and three years old. I’m sure she’d be honoured to know that a heroine such as you has it now.”
Silence.
“You ask what happens now? I suppose that’s up to you, Collette. You can go and hand those letters across to a bunch of self-styled, self-appointed urban anarchists or you can give them to me. If The Showgirls or some other motley group have them, no one will touch them with a bargepole. Not because of the seriousness of the allegations contained in them, but because no-one will be interested…not now, nor in the future.”
“Whit wid you dae wae them?”
“There’s a lot happening just now, today, that I can’t go into at this precise moment in time. All I can say is that the winds of change have, at last, arrived in Glasgow. Today and over the coming months, a storm will erupt that will be so powerful, that it will topple a lot of people…some good, but mostly bad. Those testimonials of our poor fallen colleagues will assist me in solidifying what’s good about the force in the north of the city and contribute to far-reaching, and permanent change.”
“Aye, bit are we talking aboot charges being levelled against The Irish Brigade that’ll get the pigs slung in jail?” she snarled bitterly.
“Collette, dear, even without those letters, those whom you’ve spoken about will all be going to jail. What still has to be decided is on what charges.”
“So ye’re saying that they might no be confronted oan aw the damage they’ve inflicted? Whit aboot aw the wummin who…”
“Have sacrificed their careers and even, dare I say it, their lives?” The Super interjected.
“Aye.”
“Tucked in amongst they envelopes is ma resignation letter, so it is. I’ve written and rewritten it so many times that Ah’m dizzy, so Ah am,” Collette replied, grimly smiling, wiping away a tear wae the super’s hanky.
“Well, why don’t you hold on to that for another day, eh?”
“Dae ye think so?” she replied, slipping her haun intae the bag and lifting oot the bundle wrapped in faded pink ribbon, as baith sets ae eyes looked at it.
“Are you sure?” The Super asked her, barely breathing, watching her closely through they lidded eyes ae hers.
“Aye, as long as whit’s happened tae aw us hisnae been in vain.”
“Oh, Collette, don’t you worry, dear. The Sword Of Damocles has been unsheathed.”
Silence.
“So, whit dae Ah dae noo?” Collette whispered, looking intae The Super’s eyes, as she felt her shoulders slump.
“Why, you should get back to work and leave everything to me for the time being. Don’t worry, I’ll be your guardian angel until we find someone suitable to take my place. In the meantime, irrespective of what’s thrown at you, be resolute and stand firm. I’m here to look after you now,” The Super purred, looking at her watch and staunin up. “Shall we?” she invited, haudin oot her erm tae allow Collette tae walk past her tae the car.