by Anna Edwards
The next thing I know, I awaken to Joanna screaming and kicking out in my arms. She’s shouting, ‘no’. I need to rouse her gently, so holding her tightly, I softly tell her it’s a dream, and reassure her I’m here. Eventually she stirs and opens her eyes. They are wide with fear, and there are black circles underneath them where her sleep was disturbed. She pushes me away and sits up gasping for air. Reaching over to the nightstand, I grab a glass of water sitting there and offer it to her. She drinks the whole contents in a few big gulps.
“Tell me...” I try to stop myself from asking because I don’t want to upset her any further, but I can’t. I have to know. “Joanna, tell me what your dream was about?”
Chapter Ten
Joanna
I’ve not had a nightmare for a few nights now, and as I struggle to get my breath back, I wonder what triggered it. The day had been intense with meeting Victoria again for the first time since I was sold to her father, but I thought I’d relaxed enough with Theo that evening to overcome my anxiety. The only other reason could be the intense kiss we shared. I know I’ll be punished by his father for not taking it further, but something inside me screamed at me to stop. Sitting here now, though, looking at him with worry lines etched all over his handsome face, there’s a part of me wishes I hadn’t. Because despite everything that has happened to me over the last year, my body is calling out for a normality only Theo can give me. Against all the odds, I know I’m falling for him. He’s the man I dreamed of marrying: kind and caring with a serious side but not afraid to laugh when it’s needed. When I was a child, and I stood in my mummy’s high heels, and my Sunday best outfit pretending to be a bride, he was the man I imagined as my future husband. Fate is cruel—it’s given me the man I want, but I know he’ll end up hating me because of who I am. Life has kicked me and put me down at every opportunity, and I’m already in hell with the knowledge of what I have to do. That’s what I spent most of the afternoon crying about: the fact I have to weave a web of lies because I’m trapped with no means of escape. Victoria loves Nicholas Cavendish. He’s not the man Theo believes him to be, but if I don’t convince my husband he is, then I’ll have to watch Theo die, and I’ll suffer more torment at the hands of the Viscount. It’s an impossible position to be in, and to make a decision either way curses me forever.
“Joanna, tell me what your dream was about?” Theo asks me again.
"My dream was of the first night they took me. I’ve not reflected on it for a while now. The memories have become clouded in my head, but the dream was so realistic. The smells of the dark room, the pain as I lost my virginity and suffered a beating.” Tears pool in my eyes. I don’t want to cry them, though. My tears belong to me, and I’ll not allow them to fall for Viscount Hamilton ever again.
Lying back down in the bed, Theo pulls me into his chest, and I lay my head on the smattering of hair there.
“Would you tell me more?” he asks, and my head rises and falls with his breathing as he speaks.
“I don’t know if I can.” I look around my current bedroom—it’s a distinct contrast to the room in which I lost my virginity. This room is comforting and inviting. Somewhere I enjoy lying in bed with my husband. It’s nothing like the other room, which was hell. It was dark and had a musty smell. The only furniture in it was a bed and very little else. But that wasn’t what I hated the most. It was that I had no sanctuary. Lying here in Theo’s arms, I feel safe…but in that room. I knew I could be taken at any moment, and I’d be hurt and degraded.
My mouth opens and shuts like a fish on Theo’s chest. I want him to know what I went through, but I’m so scared of reliving it. He tightens his grip on me, and it grounds my anxieties.
“It was a few days after Nicholas had chosen Victoria, Elizabeth, and Amelia to go through to the trials. Daphne had disappeared that night, but I was kept in Oakfield Hall for a few days. I was kept away from everyone else, so they didn’t know I was there. One night I was woken up, and a sack of some sort was placed over my head. I remember being bundled downstairs and into a car. We drove for so long, and I had no idea in which direction, or where I was going. I think I shook the entire time. I tried to sing some songs to comfort myself, but nothing worked. Eventually the car stopped, and I was pulled out and led into what I assumed was a house. I remember them pulling the blindfold off my head, and he was standing there in front of me like a monster with a devilish smile on his face. I knew then what was about to happen.” The memory of Viscount Hamilton’s leery face causes me to stop and catch my breath. It sends a shiver down my spine, remembering the way he stepped forward and licked my face.
“Nicholas?” Theo asks.
“Sorry?” I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t understand what he’s asking.
“Was it Nicholas or William who took you first?”
The need to lie to Theo sits on the tip of my tongue. If I name his father, it could lead to my husband’s death.
“He ripped my clothes from me. I wasn’t wearing much … just a tatty linen dress like the one I married you in. I was naked underneath as had been prescribed for the presentation of the women.” I’ve ignored Theo’s question completely, and he seems to accept it because when I pause, he doesn’t ask again. “I tried to pull away, to run, but there was nowhere to go. He punched me in the face, not just once but three times. I was barely conscious, which allowed him with his superior strength to hold me down and push roughly inside me.”
I stop and sit up, needing to get air into my lungs. Talking about this, recalling the memories and the pain is leaving me dizzy. I’ll still not allow the tears to fall, though. I will not!
“Do you need to stop?” Theo sits up and asks.
“No, I need to continue…I was a virgin and wasn’t ready or prepared for the intrusion. It hurt beyond anything I’d ever experienced before. It was even more painful than breaking my arm when I was six, and the bone came through the skin. It felt like it went on forever with him inside me, and his hips bucking wildly as I was torn apart down there, but it wasn’t really. In reality it was only a few thrusts and then it was over. He emptied his cum inside me, and he made me his whore.”
“You’re nobody’s whore. No matter what’s happened to you. Don’t ever say that. You’re an amazing, strong woman. You’re here, having survived all that happened to you, and you’re still functioning. You’ve not shut down to everything around you. It would have been so easy to do that, but you haven’t. You’ve embraced the new life you have here. I bet if I look on your camera I’ll see some amazing pictures. Focus on that, and not on how Nicholas Cavendish made you feel.”
My heart beats faster while I listen to Theo as he sets me free from the torment of my mind, but then he utters those two words and drags me back into the depths of despair, ‘Nicholas Cavendish’. It wasn’t a man with that name who did these terrible things to me. It was my husband’s father. I’m a pawn in his game, and the whore he made me. I can’t fight against what he wants me to do because I don’t have the strength any longer. I’m dying inside with no hope of resurrection.
The tears start to fall. I can’t stop them. Viscount Hamilton wins.
“Joanna, please. I meant every word I said. You are a beautiful, strong woman. I’m lucky to be married to you. I don’t want to scare you, but I’ve known since the moment I first set eyes on you I wanted more out of our fake marriage than you’d be able to give me. I’m willing to wait forever for you if I have to, but in these few short weeks, I’ve known you will be my wife not just for the short term but forever. Damn it!” He stops and pulling me toward him, he wraps his arms around me. I can feel his length hardening against my leg, and the significance of it terrifies me but sends shivers of excitement through my body at the same time. I don’t understand what’s happening. Sex should repulse me. I should want to run from it. I’ve just told the man holding me in his arms that when I lost my virginity, I was held down and raped. But he still wants me, and I think I want him too. He continues, �
��I’m sorry…I’ve never wanted to put any pressure on you. I’ve only ever wanted you to feel relaxed and happy around me. Get to know me, but I…I need to leave.” He suddenly pulls away from me and disappears out of the room before I have a chance to catch my breath.
I lie there for a moment with a torrent of thoughts running through my head. I’m a victim, but I’m not broken. Maybe I can have a normal life? Theo will protect me. Now I’m away from the Viscount, he can’t hurt me anymore. I can ruin his plans without him realizing it’s me, and if they don’t come to fruition, he can’t return to Hamilton Manor. I’ll be safe forever. As long as he stays a wanted man by the police, I’m safe from him. I can become a wife to Theo. I can learn to love and cherish him—my growing feelings for him tell me that already. I have to go to him. I have to become a woman again and this time properly.
My legs carry me, stumbling, in a dreamlike state through the interconnecting doors of our rooms. My breath hitches when I see Theo, he’s lying naked on his bed with his large hands curled around his dick. He freezes when he sees me.
“Joanna, go back into your own room.”
I shake my head, telling him no.
“Please,” he pleads, but I don’t listen and instead take a step closer to him.
“Show me.” The words leave my mouth, and I feel like I’m in a dream. I shouldn’t want to see him at his most intimate as he pleasures himself, but my heartbeat quickens with the excitement of seeing this stunning specimen before me. Men are disgusting creatures who cause nothing but pain and suffering,…that is what my subconsciousness is screaming at me, but my eyes are telling me something different. They see beauty and the most arousing thing I’ve ever witnessed. “Show me,” I repeat and take a seat on the edge of the bed.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” Theo’s voice is thickly laced with worry.
“You won’t,” I tell him because I know it’s true. I don’t know how, but my heart tells me it is, and it’s about time I let it rule, at least for a while. My brain has been switched on far too much over the last year. It’s time for it to fade into the background and get some rest.
Theo looks between me and his hand, which is still wrapped around his large cock. In my limited experience, it’s a thing worthy of display in an art gallery: straight with a large head, and veins protrude along its length, giving it life and presence. He looks toward me again and then slowly starts to stroke himself. His head falls back down against his pillows, and he shuts his eyes. I watch without flinching as he loses himself in the sensations cascading through his body. I’ve seen a man experience pleasure in sex and ultimately orgasm before, but there is no malevolence surrounding this intimate act with Theo. He’s getting off on stroking himself, but it’s innocent at the same time. It’s not hurting anyone. His eyes screw up tighter, and his body goes rigid moments before jets of white cum shoot from the head of his dick onto his stomach. He opens his eyes and stares straight at me as wave upon wave of orgasmic pleasure hits him. There is so much happiness and delight behind his eyes. It leaves me breathless, and I can’t take my eyes from him. I want that: I want that pleasure, that happiness, and that freedom. His orgasm finishes, and the room falls silent except for the sounds of our rapid breathing. Theo reaches over to the side of the bed and retrieves a box of tissues from a drawer. He starts to clean himself off, but I find myself moving closer and stopping him. I then take another tissue and begin wiping him myself. There’s a little bin beside his bed, and I throw the used tissues in there. Neither of us have spoken, yet. We’ve just shared quick glances between each other as I set about cleaning him, as he lay flat on the bed.
“Make me feel that way.” I don’t realize I’m saying the words until they’ve left my mouth.
“Joanna?”
I silence him with a finger to his lips.
“Please.” Leaning over him, I remove my finger and replace it with my lips. Now, it is my time to fly free.
Chapter Eleven
Theodore
My head tells me to push Joanna away, but my heart urges me to bring her closer. She’s not ready—it’s what I keep reminding myself, but with the way she’s looking at me right now, I can tell she is. This feels like the right thing to do. How can you fall for someone so quickly when you barely know them? The heart and mind are strange creatures. So often in conflict but ultimately working together.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” my mind responds, and I pull my lips away from hers.
“You won’t.” My wife’s plea falls from her beautiful plump lips in a breathless moan of need.
“You really want this?” my heart asks, this time, with a quickening of its pace.
“I want to be normal. I’ve been a victim for too long now. I don’t know why, but when you’re near me, my heart beats quicker. I need this.” Joanna comes at me again and joins our lips together. This time, I don’t fight her. I give in to the need surging through me. Despite having come only a few minutes ago, my dick is hard again already, and I want her.
Pulling back for a second time, I rest my forehead against hers.
“If you want me to stop at any point, you say so, and I will. I won’t force anything upon you.”
“I know,” she whispers with a tremble of nervousness mixed with excitement in her voice. “It’s why I want to be with you. You’ll take me as far as I’m ready to go and not any further. You’ll give me what I need because you already know me better than I know myself.”
I bring my lips down to hers. My own breath is hitched and ragged with the need coursing through my body. Pulling her over my naked body, I allow her to straddle my thighs. It gives her the control over what we’re doing. If I were in her position, I would want to have that.
I’m naked, but Joanna is still wearing her pajamas from earlier. I can feel the excitement between her thighs, and her wetness against my bare flesh. She really did enjoy the show I’d just put on for her. My dick hardens more against her, and I know she can feel the length of me poking into her through her clothing. She’s just witnessed the power of an orgasm, and now I am going to use it to show her the pleasure that can come from taking me deep within her...no, not taking, accepting me willingly without pain or torture into her most private place. One I’ll never allow to be abused again.
Leaning forward, I run a kiss over her lips and down her neck. Her PJs button up at the front, so while she supports herself over me, I bring my hands up and start to unfasten them. She lets out a barely audible gasp, and her sapphire eyes shift to watch my dexterous fingers at work.
“One.” I undo the first button, the bottom one. Moving my hands up, I loosen the second and third in a swift movement. “Two, three.”
Joanna’s mouth opens and shuts, trying to bring much needed air into her lungs.
“Please,” she begs, but I can not allow her fervent appeal to affect the deep-rooted control which is embedded within my psyche. If this were a normal woman I was fucking, she’d already be on her back with my dick pistoning in to her so fast she’d forget what damn day of the week it is. But this is my wife, my delicate flower, and I need to take this slowly so we can both savor every moment of our first time together.
My hands start to shake a little with the need for rigid control, and they fumble over the final button before finally freeing it from its frustratingly difficult small button hole.
Sliding my hands up to her shoulders underneath the cotton fabric of her pjs, I remove her top and drop it down onto the bed. Her breasts are a perfect fit for my big hands. The cuts and bruises, which had once marred her skin, have disappeared to leave a stunning feminine form. She’s everything I could have wished for in a partner. It’s as though she was made for me by the gods, not that I believe in that sort of crap. In my opinion, you make your own way in the world, and by protecting Joanna from Nicholas Cavendish, I’ve earned her love, and her body.
I lower my mouth down to her left nipple—its peak is already taut with the sensations and emotions running
through her body. Wrapping my tongue around it, I lavish it with attention while tenderly massaging the other breast under my hand. The pink flesh smells of the lavender perfume she uses mixed with a slight scent of sweat from the day’s exertions. It’s purely Joanna, unique to any other woman’s breasts in my experience. I’m in two minds whether to linger here or travel lower to discover her other delights, but the grinding of her hips against my thighs shows me where she needs my attention.
“I’m going to lay you down. Is that all right?” I ask and then press another quick kiss to her breast.
“Yes.” The reply comes quickly, and I place my hands under her hips and adjust us so she’s lying flat on her back on the bed. Her eyes are wild with desire but also mixed with nerves. It dawns on me that together we’re giving her a chance at a first time, again…although this time it’s with her consent.
“Our first time,” I moan into her prickling flesh, sucking and savoring her taste as I move down to her stomach and then even lower.
“Our first time,” she repeats and wraps her hands around the thick strands of my hair. With a subtle strength, she guides my head to where she wants me between her thighs. Inhaling deeply, I can smell her arousal, and my dick hardens so much I’m certain I could pound nails with it. I need her, but I have to go slow. I think there’s only one thing for it. Times-tables. I need to recite them to stop myself from fucking her too hard.
One times one is one. One times two is two. The words are spoken inwardly as I start to lower her pajama bottoms down her svelte legs. She’s had no reason to keep herself trimmed, but the hair on her pussy is shaved into a delicate strip. One times three is three. Fuck. One times four is four.