Contents
Part One: INSIDE One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Part Two: OUTSIDE Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-One
Twenty-Two
Twenty-Three
Twenty-Four
Twenty-Five
Twenty-Six
Twenty-Seven
Twenty-Eight
Twenty-Nine
Thirty
Thirty-One
Thirty-Two
Thirty-Three
Thirty-Four
Thirty-Five
Thirty-Six
Thirty-Seven
Thirty-Eight
Thirty-Nine
Forty
Forty-One
Forty-Two
Forty-Three
Forty-Four
Forty-Five
Forty-Six
Forty-Seven
Forty-Eight
Part Three: INSIDE Forty-Nine
Fifty
Fifty-One
Fifty-Two
Fifty-Three
Fifty-Four
Fifty-Five
Part Four: OUTSIDE OUTSIDE Fifty-Six
Acknowledgements
Follow Penguin
About the Book
Here's the thing about being Inside. Ain't no one believes that they are.
Ele is kept captive in a small room by a man known as 'Him'. She has never been Outside but she knows it's there and she's determined to prove it.
When Ele eventually escapes, she is forced to question everything she has ever known.
An extraordinary and powerful debut in the style of ROOM by Emma Donoghue.
About the Author
Sarah Ann Juckes is a Content Creator for Jericho Writers and lives in East Sussex, UK. Outside was shortlisted for Mslexia’s Children’s Novel competition and longlisted for the Bath Novel Award. She volunteers for the NSPCC’s ‘Speak Out and Stay Safe’ programme, and is on the board of Creative Future, working with under-represented writers.
www.sarahannjuckes.com
@sarahannjuckes
Follow Sarah Ann Juckes on Twitter and Instagram
@sarahannjuckes
@sajuckes
www.sarahannjuckes.com
To everyone who believed
Once upon a time,
there was a girl who lived in a Tower,
and she was alone.
Part One
* * *
INSIDE
One
Here’s the thing about being Inside. Ain’t no one believes that they are.
Pretty stupid, as there are clues just about all over. Feed rattling down pipes from somewhere else. That dirty ol’ smell on Him when He barges in through the door.
And the door. And Him.
But the Others, they stick their fingers in their ear holes and tell me to quit with my lies. They’re as happy as can be Inside these four walls. They eat when it’s time to eat. Sleep when it’s time to sleep. Read when it’s time to read. Far as they see, ain’t no need to see no Outside.
Or maybe they’re just scared.
Not me, though. I’m gonna get me my proof.
Two
Tonight’s the night before He comes. I’m trying not to think about it, but here it is, sneaking into my head anyway.
The dark don’t help none. I reckon the sun bars turned themselves off early tonight and the whole Tower is stuffed full of shadowy thoughts now.
I can hear the Others sleeping all together. I can’t see them, but I’ve been seeing them just about every day of my life, so I got a clear picture of them pasted on my eyeballs. They’ll be tangled up in each other – heads tucked under armpits resting on backs. Queenie will be buried with Cow someplace, ass in the air and glowing like a broken moon. Cow will be turned my way, his head out proud in all its hairless glory, his big ol’ eyes closed behind droopy eyelids. His nose – the biggest of all of them – will be hooked over Bee’s foot, sniffing the day off her.
There’ll be space in there for me if I want it, too. I ain’t gonna fill it, though.
I ain’t got their small heads and pointed ears. I’ve got yellow hair, like Rapunzel, and a small nose, rounded ears and skinny body, like the Outside People I see in my books. I don’t look like the Others. The only things I’ve got are their long fingers – thin as keys. Not a lot those fingers can do, though, without a lock to pick.
I don’t belong to them. They want me to – but I don’t.
I know I should be sleeping, tomorrow being the day that it is, but I’m feeling more awake than ever.
I scrape the tips of my fingers along the wall, feeling for the soft part.
Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a Tower, and she was alone.
I knock the line out. KNOCK-knock-knock-KNOCK-knock-knock.
I wait, not breathing hardly. It’s so dark that the blinking red light above the door could be some kind of lighthouse.
You’re not alone.
Jack. He’s awake. His knocks come quiet and I need to listen real close to hear them.
I let out my breath, moving myself closer to the wall so the coldness eats up the insides of my bones.
Her Tower was guarded by Goblins.
Ele, Goblins again?
Yeah, I knock. Goblins. They lived with her Inside the Tower and they told her she was lying about there being an Outside, but she weren’t. She was telling the truth.
How do you know?
I rub my thumb over my knuckles, and I tell him again.
The Proof of the Outside – number one: Books.
Books are truth and they all show the Inside and the Outside. Outside is trees and gingerbread houses. Inside is walls.
We got three books. The Alphabet Book. An Encyclopaedia of British Trees. My First Book of Fairy Stories.
Books are my windows. They show me everything I need to know to be an Outside Person, from killing Dragons to growing beanstalks. It’d be awful dark Inside without no books.
The Proof of the Outside – number two: The door.
In the books, doors are how you get from Inside to Outside. It’s how He goes from Inside to Outside.
It’s how I’ll go too, I reckon.
But, Ele, why do you want to be Outside if He is Outside?
Stop interrupting.
The Proof of the Outside – number three: Him.
He smells of it – cold and sour, like wall. He brings things from it as proof for me – like the books. He tells me of it sometimes, too, when He’s not in a mood. Just little things, like what ‘glass’ is, and how it gets stuck in your foot if you break it, or how it gets ‘mighty hot out there sometimes’.
I gather all these things up like breadcrumbs, showing me the way.
But He does bad things, too. You can’t trust Him.
I ain’t scared, I knock back.
The Proof of the Outside – number four: Me.
I look at those people in the books and they look just like me – hair long and wild, noses and ears all round, lips puffed up and red as apples. They’re all walking paths and climbing trees. Even Rapunzel, locked in her Tower, goes and gets freed eventually.
I don’t belong here – not one bit. I got to get back to that Outside or I’ll die.
You won’t die, Ele.
I might. He’s killed before, remember?
Silence.
The Others will protect y
ou.
I let Jack think they do, ’cause it’d hurt him something awful to think that they don’t. But no one is supposed to move when He’s in. And Zeb – Zeb was stupid for trying. And He went and did that to Zeb’s head and – and –
I don’t want to talk about Zeb, I knock.
I understand.
I’m sorry.
It’s OK.
I put my forehead on the wall and I close my eyes until the cold sinks into my skull and numbs it right up. The silence is making me all itchy, so I squeeze my eyes up tight and knock out the last proof real quick.
The Proof of the Outside – number five: Zeb is gone.
It wasn’t your fault, Ele.
I don’t reply.
Ele?
I keep my eyes closed for the longest time. It’s so dark that I can’t even tell no difference.
What do you look like, Jack?
I poke my finger around my smooth fist-shaped bit of wall, wishing I could poke a hole right through it and see his eye watching me from the other side. The wall was as rough as ol’ skin when we started talking – about the time that Zeb went, and everything changed with the Others. I was feeling mighty alone and, just like that, his knocks were there. And I knew – I knew what they were saying to me like it weren’t nothing at all. ’Cause Jack and me, we’re magic. And that’s all there is to it, OK?
I don’t know, he knocks back.
I press all of me to the wall and imagine Jack doing the same on the other side. And I’m wishing the wall was warm so I could feel him next to me.
I’m going to go to sleep now. His knocks come out sleepy.
I want to talk more, but I’ve gone and run out of proofs.
OK.
I don’t sleep. I can’t.
He’s coming.
The red light above the door counts down those seconds, and each flash is like another little heartbeat that’s gone and been snuffed out.
Three
Zeb is in my dreams. It’s a memory, I reckon. We’re young and we’re playing a game, hiding away from something. I’m trying to keep quiet, but giggles are bubbling up in my throat. Zeb’s hands are over my mouth, and mine are over his. I can feel his smile between my fingers.
Then we hear footsteps. I can feel his heart in his lips, beating even faster than mine. The footsteps get closer and I shuffle nearer to him, pressing my head into the side of his neck.
He smells like everything. Inside and Outside, all wrapped up in leaves.
The footsteps stop. Zeb’s giggling too now. His chin holds me right to him.
‘Found you.’
And I turn and look. But I don’t see no Others. I don’t even see Him. I see a lady. A lady with yellow hair and red lips pulling back a smile.
I wake up with a start.
It’s only dark for a moment before the sun bars flick on and blast my open eyes clear out my head. Ain’t no time to sit thinking about the strange lady in my dream, or hiding away like the Others are doing, their heads all shoved into each other. I got just about enough time before the feed comes down to do my thing.
I jump up. I can’t tell you how good it feels to stand on legs. If you ain’t tried it before, I recommend you do. These few moments where I get to act like a real-life Outside Person, rather than an Other, are the greatest in my whole day. Especially on a day like today.
I get running. Running with my legs wide and my arms flapping out like I’m a Dragon who’s gonna take off and fly into the sun bars on the ceiling. This was Zeb’s thing. He made us get up as soon as those sun bars came on and we wouldn’t stop ’til we couldn’t stand up no more.
I run faster and faster, until my breath is so loud that I wonder if it’ll suck the door right out, and it feels almost like Zeb’s here again, running next to me. I smile wide. And, when I’m pretty sure I’m awake, I bend forward on to my hands, my fingers pushed out as wide as they’ll go, with my elbows bent. Then I rock forward even more and kick my feet up until I’m standing right on my hands.
The Tower looks mighty different from upside down. The sun bars are on the floor now, locked in their criss-cross cage so we can’t smash them. They’re humming their light out bright, all three of them. And the floor is my ceiling, with the drain in the middle and the food bowl upside down like me.
I start bending my elbows and try to get the top of my head on the floor. My body is shaking something terrible, but I focus on keeping my feet as straight and still as I can. I manage to go down once all right, and then I push myself back up again. One.
I try for two, but my whole body is shaking like mad now and I’m worried that I’m gonna fall on my head again like last time. I screw my eyes up tight, though, and focus on breathing slowly. I start going down and make it so I can feel the floor pricking at the shortest hairs on the top of my head. I squeeze my belly in tight, wrap my feet together and push myself back up again, my arms buckling and nearly throwing me right over. But then! My elbows finally lock out and I roll myself back down on to the floor, breathing like I’ve been running all night.
Two.
A new record, and I’m right proud. I know Zeb would be too, if he was here. Won’t be long until my arms are as thick as a Giant’s and can break through walls. Here’s hoping.
Ain’t no time to get my breath back, so I hop up quick on to my feet again. I jump up, round, down and out. I twirl faster and faster. I kick my legs out behind me and try to touch them with my arms. I don’t make it, but I will.
I will I will I will.
Cow makes a noise like he knows it’s nearly feeding time, so I drop myself back down and pretend as best I can that I ain’t been up to nothing. They get awful sad when they see me acting like an Outside Person – and you don’t get much more Outside than running. I might as well be a Prince being chased by an Ogre when I’m doing that.
Two, though. Two! I’m getting stronger, and it won’t be long now ’til I get more proofs, just you wait and see.
The walls start clacking and the feed comes down from the pipe sticking out of the wall opposite me, filling the whole Tower with noise. I can hear the Others grunting and kicking at each other for first dibs, but I just stay curled up, trying to get my breath back.
I don’t normally eat on days like today.
I watch them from between my knees, stuffing handfuls of the brown balls inside their mouths, crunching down on them like Giants eating bone bread. The feed bowl is standing off the floor using its little legs, but it’s still low enough that you got to eat out of it on your hands and knees. It’s long enough for all of us to be eating from it at once, if we don’t mind hitting elbows.
I don’t like the feed much anyway. It smells like armpits and tastes like the bowl itself – what He told me was ‘metal’. Same as the tap sticking out of the wall next to the bowl, even though that’s brown rather than silver, and not black like the cage over the sun bars on the ceiling and the drain in the middle of the Tower, or grey like the door.
They’re all metal too, but different types. I know.
The door is in the corner furthest from mine. You can get there in six long strides. He can stride over in five. You’d probably think it was just another bit of wall with an arm bending from it if it wasn’t for Him bounding on through it every seven days.
You got to have a key to use it and He’s the only one with one of them. It’s as flat and as white as pages, and about as long as a finger. He taps it easy on the box next to the door and the red light above goes green, just like that.
The box don’t make the light green for nothing else that looks like pages – just that key. That one is magic.
That’s about all that’s Inside, apart from the cricks and cracks in the walls and floor that I know like they’re part of me. And the books, hiding under the bowl. And the four of us.
It’s not much like the Tower in ‘Rapunzel’. She has all kinds of things Inside with her, like tables and chairs. Her Tower is high up in the sky, too. I ain’t sure
if we’re up or down in here, but we call it the Tower anyway. Towers are places where people are kept Inside.
At least I got my Others, though. Rapunzel must have been awful lonely in there by herself until that Prince came up her hair.
The Others are sitting round the bowl, licking at the feed they’ve dropped over themselves. They’re doing it fast, mind, as pretty soon the walls start clacking again and the sun bars rain water on us all, freezing our bones up and making us all squeal out.
I like to think of it as rain – like the rain in the books – but it ain’t even half as blue as that, and it tastes much worse than the water from the tap. When I get Outside, first thing I’m gonna do is find me some real rain.
The water slows to drips and I wipe my hair out of my face – heavy and flopping down my back. I squeeze it out as best I can, else it gets awful cold.
I’m watching the Others to see what they do, as they know it’s getting to that time. They’re keeping busy, giving themselves their own clean with their tongues, or taking the books out of the hiding place under the bowl and looking at the pictures. Bee’s even giving them a read. I can see her lips moving.
Queenie’s watching me. She knows what I’m gonna do.
I shuffle over there like an Other. It’s easier with the water still puddling before it gets sucked down the drain. My legs straighten out, my heels grip the floor, and I pull my ass forward. Shuffle, shuffle.
I look at the drain. I can still see the stain Zeb’s head made, getting smaller, but still there. Long and red, curling right round the black bars like a Witch’s finger, and disappearing down.
I push my eye up close to the drain and wonder if I could make myself so small that I could trickle down there after it. Then I feel her on my back and at my ear.
‘Cow says he wants to play. Ain’t you gonna come play with us, Ele?’
Queenie. I shake my head.
She grabs my arm, pulling at me to turn round and look at them. At Bee’s eyes all excited about getting to play Rapunzel. At Cow jumping up at the thought of a wrestle.
Outside Page 1