“God, I know, but she’s as bad as Kinsley. Those legs.”
“I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“You haven’t seen Kinsley. I thought maybe she’d be better, but no. I hope her lessons will help. They haven’t helped Kinsley.”
“Don’t tell me that,” I said.
We stared at each other, then cracked up. “Can you imagine the recitals? Grey said they were torture. He and Marin would scoot down in their seats because everyone in the audience would be cringing when she’d dance.”
I couldn’t help but giggle. “Oh, God, that would be awful.”
“That might be us.”
“We can sit with them and go through the pain together.”
Our smiles drifted away and suddenly his hands were in my hair as he tilted my head. His mouth landed on mine and his lips were heaven as our tongues twisted together. This kiss was proprietorial as he took ownership of my mouth. Other than Pearson, I hadn’t kissed a man in a very long time. It made me want more with him, so much more. He was igniting things inside of me that I’d forgotten existed. My breath hitched as he deepened the kiss. I slid my hand under the hem of his shirt, touching his warm skin. Things were moving fast and as I thought we needed to stop, he pulled away. Cupping my cheek, his thumb ran along my lower lip.
“I could do that for hours, but I thought we should stop before we get carried away.”
“You read my mind. I wouldn’t want Montana coming in and catching us.”
“You’re beautiful.”
“So are you,” I said.
“No, but I’m glad you think that. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about us at dinner today. I hope it didn’t upset you.”
“Not upset, but surprised. I wasn’t prepared for that.”
He scrubbed his face and then his gorgeous eyes homed in on mine. “Oh, God, I’m making a mess of things. It’s just that I want this between us to be something. I hope you do too. I know I’m probably the worst partner material, but I swear those days are over. I’m on the straight and narrow now. I had a glimpse of what I’d been today and it,” he shuddered. “It not only made me ill but gave me a deep insight into what my life had been. I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be this man. I want it to be right for you and for me.”
“I’m so glad you said the me part because it won’t work if you don’t do it for yourself. You have to want it for you.”
“I do. I want to be on top again but in a different place. Reese told me not to make any major decisions for a while and I know you’d agree with that. But I’m not going back to the Manhattan law practice. That was part of the problem to begin with and I don’t want or need that pressure in my life. I don’t need that kind of money. I invested and saved wisely. I have plenty of money. I want to practice somewhere small, maybe up around here. Change my direction. Help the people who need it.”
He was blowing me away. I knew he wanted to do something different, but this was awesome. “You’re a different person than when I met you.”
“I don’t think I am. I think you had a different opinion of me. I was a different person when you got divorced. I won’t deny that. But I changed the day I woke up in that hospital bed and found out I almost died.”
I pulled my knees to my chest, thinking about what he said. “You know what? I’ve changed too. I like to think I’m not as quick to judge people anymore, as I was with you. I had you all wrong.”
“I was an ass to you, which was a part of the old me, but I was in the defense mode, which was the absolute wrong thing to do without hearing your entire story. I can’t apologize enough for that.”
“I’m sorry too. For striking out at you.”
He laughed. “It seems like I’m always apologizing. I suppose I need to get used to that. I’ve wronged a lot of people over the last couple of years.”
“Look how far you’ve come, though.”
He shrugged. “A day at a time, a famous counselor told me.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Uh hum. And she was really pretty too. So pretty that I might have to take a cold shower.”
I playfully punched him in the arm. “If Montana were asleep, I might have to sneak into my toy drawer.”
His eyes popped open. “You have a toy drawer?”
“Doesn’t every woman over the age of eighteen?”
“How would I know?”
“Right. How would you? So now you do.”
He waggled his brows. “Care to show me?”
“Hmm. Maybe someday you’ll be lucky enough to see it.”
Then he got a sneaky look about him. “Maybe someday, I’ll add to it.”
My eyes danced with mirth. “I hope you don’t get me one of those cheap-o ones.”
“What kind do you like?”
“Lelo brand.”
“And where would one find them?”
“Online. You can google them. L-e-l-o.” I figured spelling it out would help.
“Good to know.”
Montana rushed into the room saying, “Okay Mommy and Mister. Watch. I’ve been practicing.” She proceeded to perform the second worst dance I’d ever seen. When she finished, I wondered if her legs were injured. I kept a close eye on her as she walked, but she didn’t limp at all, so I was sure all was fine.
“How was that one, Mommy? I’m real good now.”
“Uh, er, yeah. Yes, you are.” Lying was the best option because there wasn’t anything in this world that could make me break her heart.
“Mister, did you like it?”
“Yep, liked it a lot,” he eeked out.
“Um, honey, can you kick your legs out straight in front of you?”
“Uh huh, but that’s not how you do it.”
“Oh, I see.” That relieved me somewhat. I was worried she was that uncoordinated.
Montana skipped back to her room and when I noticed the expression on Pearson’s face, I told him, “I think I’m going to enroll you too and buy you a pair of clicky shoes.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Pearson
* * *
That night I went to my room and prepared for bed. I was sliding under the sheets when the cravings tore into me like they hadn’t in weeks. My skin erupted in bursts of pain, like it used to during withdrawals. The urge to scratch myself was relentless. I paced for a few moments before I found myself in front of Rose’s door and didn’t remember walking there. Without hesitation, I opened it and found her sitting in bed reading.
She took one look at me and jumped up. “Let’s talk.”
“I … I can’t. I … my skin is crawling. It’s that feeling of a thousand pieces of glass tearing into me.”
“Sit.”
“I can’t.” I paced. No, it was more like race-walked.
“Pearson, look at me. Focus.”
Her voice did it. I stopped and zeroed in on her eyes.
“Deep breaths. Inhale, one, two, three. Exhale, one, two, three. You’re allowing the anxiety to control you. It’s not withdrawal.”
Oxygen filled my lungs as I listened to her soothing voice. I continued with the breathing, almost like a meditative exercise.
“Let your breath fill you, cleanse you of the carbon dioxide.” She drew me to her bed where I lay down. “Remember meditation. Let your belly relax and fill it with oxygen.” Her hand rested on my abs. “Good, keep going. Relax your muscles. Sink into the mattress and become one with it. Let the negative energy flow out of you.” Her hand moved to my head and she ran it through my hair, massaging as she went. “Keep the breathing up. Your body needs the oxygen. It helps get rid of the toxins.” As I breathed, her hand worked magic on my muscles and soon the panic and edginess dissipated until it was gone. I opened my eyes and watched her. When her hand reached mine, I turned mine over and clasped ours together.
“I’m better now.”
She dropped down and sat next to me. “Let’s talk this out.”
“Yeah.” I explained what happened.<
br />
“No trigger? No thoughts?”
“No. It just slammed into me.”
“Do you think seeing Letty this morning did it?”
“Ah, shit.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “Maybe I’d shoved that to the back of my mind. I suppose that was it.”
“Let’s get that out in the open. Having it lurking in your mind will only cause issues down the road. I know you’re ashamed that you slept with her. Can you tell me more?”
I rubbed my eyes. I didn’t even want to look at Rose. She was so damn pure and to think she knew I slept, no fucked, Letty wasn’t something I wanted to discuss. It made me sick, so I couldn’t imagine how it made her feel.
“You know you can talk to me about anything. Or I should say, there’s nothing you can tell me that would shock me. I don’t judge, Pearson.”
“Rose, I realize that. But here’s the thing. It made me physically ill today to recognize I’d slept with someone like Letty and she wasn’t the only one. But for you to see that, I can’t even imagine how it made you feel.”
“Would you like to know?”
“Not really, but I want you to tell me anyway.” I was waiting to cringe when she would drop her bomb. But it never happened.
“Letty is a mess who needs help, I don’t deny that. But the man I’m looking at right now would never sleep with someone like that. You’re not the person you were when you slept with her. What you need to come to grips with is that addicts do things they wouldn’t normally do if they weren’t addicts. When someone is under the influence, be it high or drunk, their actions change. Now, if you told me you’d sleep with her right now, my opinion of you would drastically change. But, and now listen to me Pearson, you are not that person. And there’s something else. Addiction is a disease, not a choice. Yes, it’s a choice to get help and go into rehab and recovery. But the disease had control over you. You’re not accepting that.”
I did not deserve to have this woman in my life and those were the next words out of my mouth. “I’m not worthy of you.”
“And those thoughts are what set off your anxiety attack, because that’s what happened. You are worthy of everything. You only have to believe it yourself.”
“But—”
Her hand came up to halt my speech. “No buts. One day at a time. Don’t forget that. Think back to where you started and where you are now. Your strength is astounding. And the last thing I want to say is I believe in you.”
Believe in myself. Maybe that’s what’s been missing. “You know something. All this time I’ve believed I could kick it, that I had the strength to do it, but you’re the first person who’s told me they believed in me. Sure, my family’s behind me, but they never used those exact words that I can remember.”
Her smile lit up the dim room. “That’s what you need to succeed. Without that belief, you’ll succeed for a while, but not long term. You have so much going for you, so much more than most people.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your family for starters. Your intelligence. Your bank account. And don’t laugh. Some people have trouble paying for rehab. You are coming out of the starting gate fully prepared to face everything in the way you need to. And … you’re willing to do the hard work. All you need now is to have confidence in yourself. Let the past go. You can’t do anything about sleeping with Letty or anyone else. What you can do is move forward, one step at a time.”
“You make me feel strong and it’s a strange thing. I’ve always had a shitload of confidence when it came to the courtroom and my ability as an attorney, but for a lot of other things, I’ve questioned myself.”
“Maybe that’s why you never had any relationships.” Our hands were still clasped, and I brought hers to my lips and kissed it.
“Not sure about that. I was never one to want to walk down the divorce path.”
“You positive about that or was that just something you told yourself?” Her hand brushed through my hair.
“I don’t honestly know anymore. I’ve told myself that for so long it’s what I believed.”
“And now? We’re together according to what you told your family, so you must have changed your mind.”
I definitely have changed my mind and it was all because of her. She had me wrapped around her finger. I didn’t want to tell her that though. It might scare her off and that was the last thing I wanted, especially since I still didn’t think I deserved someone as pure and innocent as her. Not to mention, she’d already been through one terrible relationship and I sure as hell didn’t want to put her through another.
I chose my words carefully. “Rose, I’d love to think you and I could make something happen between us. I’m not naïve though and realize how much I have to go through yet. You’ve been through a rough time in yours. I don’t want to hope for too much with you, nor do I want to hurt you. Am I even making the least bit of sense?”
“No. Why do you think you’ll hurt me and why do you think you’re hoping for too much with me?”
I shrugged. “Because in my eyes you’re perfect.”
She laughed. “I’m not perfect.” Her smile became a frown. “I wish I were. I’m so weak it’s ridiculous. It’s what got me into this mess with Montana in the first place.”
“You’re not weak.”
Her eyes clouded with pain. “You couldn’t be more wrong. I should’ve left him when I found out I was pregnant and gone to the local women’s shelter. But I didn’t. I was such a chicken shit. I let him bully me.”
“Rose, that’s what bullies do. They frighten and trap you into staying until you feel there are no other options.”
“Don’t I know. I lived that life twice and learned my lessons the hard way.”
What is she talking about? “Twice?”
A lungful of air rushed out of her. She repositioned herself on the bed, crossing her legs. “It’s not a very pleasant story.”
“And my past is?” Her eyes took on a haunted look. I’d never seen her like this except for when she dealt with Greg. “Does this have to do with your ex?”
“No, unfortunately, I was abused by my father.”
Holy shit. This puts a new spin on things. No wonder she stayed in her marriage. “Now it all makes sense, why you stayed that is.”
“Yeah. I was his perfect victim.”
I pulled her into my arms and held her. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s not a whole lot to say other than he beat the shit out of me. See, he was an alcoholic, a very mean one. Once he was through beating my mom, he’d come to find me. My mom wasn’t a whole lot better, but she finally got clean. And when she did, she kicked him out. There were times I hid in the attic for hours because I was so scared. That was a life I didn’t want for Montana, but then I set her up for it by not leaving. That’s how weak and stupid I was.”
“It’s the repetitive cycle.”
“That’s why I wanted to go into counseling because there’s always a way out. My goal was to help others that were in the same situation that I was. Many women don’t see it, because fear is such an overriding factor. It blocks everything out so you can’t think straight, but if you can get control of it, just like if you can control anxiety, things are so much easier to see.”
As I rubbed circles on her back, I asked, “Then how did you end up in drug rehab counseling?”
“I found that’s where I excelled and helped people the most. It was because I had experience with living and growing up in an alcoholic household. Now I recognize that they both had a disease. It was hard as a kid because I used to think they did it because they wanted to. I didn’t know what they were going through. Sure, my dad was mean as hell, but he wasn’t like that when he wasn’t drinking. I knew I could help more people and I love working with recovering addicts.”
This triggered a thought, something I wasn’t feeling very positive about. “I have to ask you something and don’t be hurt by this question, but I have to know. You aren’t intereste
d in me because I’m a recovering addict are you and because you think you can help me?”
She lifted herself up to lock gazes with me. “Absolutely one hundred percent no. If I had wanted that, there were plenty of guys who’ve been through the center that I could’ve kindled relationships with. There was something different about you that … well, that attracted me from the first time I saw you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Tell me.” I was that puppy begging for a treat.
“Oh, come on. Surely you must know,” she said. She had a timid smile.
“Know what?”
“How …” She blinked a few times.
“Yes?”
Then she blew out a breath. “How genetically gifted you are.”
“Genetically gifted, huh?”
“Yes!”
“No one’s ever told me that,” I confessed. I’d had women after me by the dozens, but they’d never actually come out and said what they thought about me.
“You can’t be serious.”
“I am. But I like that you think it. Genetically gifted. What exactly does that mean.” I was playing with her and having fun.
“You know exactly what it means.”
I nuzzled her neck with my nose. “No, I don’t. Tell me.”
“It means that you have a large, bulbous nose, and buck teeth.”
I guffawed. “Buck teeth?”
“Uh huh. And I noticed you have large amounts of hair sprouting out of your ears and nose.”
“Is that so?”
“Yep.”
My fingers zeroed in on her ribs and commenced to tickle the hell out of her. She begged for mercy, but I wouldn’t give in until she took it all back.
“Okay, I cry uncle.”
When I stopped, she lay panting on the bed and I couldn’t stop myself from capturing her mouth. Her leg wrapped around mine and I flipped her over so I was hovering on top.
“Okay, you don’t have buck teeth.”
“What about the hair in my nose and ears?”
“I made that up. I love your nose. It’s perfect.”
“Good, because I think yours is perfect too. And now that I’m checking it out more closely, I don’t detect a single hair.”
From Smoke To Flames— Amazon: A West Brothers Novel Page 18