by Nicole Conn
Almost beyond her own volition her right hand moved to her breast. She stroked it gently above her light cotton blouse, nonchalantly, at first, not really thinking about her body one way or the other. She swallowed, then, closed her eyes. She slowly began to unbutton her blouse. She unsnapped her jeans. She teased herself with a long wait, slowly circling the boundaries of her soft pubic hair, allowing her fingers to caress the hard muscles of her womb, tracing a line to her desire. Her breath became raspy with anticipation. Her lips swelled. And then, the eyes...always the eyes. Noel’s deep, piercing, brilliant eyes.
Claire stopped. She could not make love to herself with this woman haunting her every move.
“Shit!” She jumped from the bed, dressed and hurriedly escaped her room.
****
Noel entered Maggie’s cabin to find Claire playing a particularly moody Chopin nocturne. Claire didn’t see her at first, then sensed her presence and stopped. Noel gestured for her to continue. Claire shook her head.
“Just more torment.”
“It’s more than that. When you play...it’s you.”
Claire slumped a bit. She was feeling ragged, and became more weary every time she was around this woman. Her fingers touched the keys. She began another piece, which started out sweetly nostalgic and then crescendoed to dramatic volatility. Noel was fascinated as she absorbed Claire’s intensity. Then Claire stopped abruptly again.
“What is it?”
“It’s not finished.”
“Yours?”
“Actually...” Claire smiled self consciously, “...it’s yours. I call it ‘The Mystery of Noel.’”
Noel laughed, then her eyes became semi-serious. “What about Claire’s mystery?”
“Is that a shrink thing—always answering a question with a question? Or just an annoying habit.” Claire’s defenses were brittle.
Noel moved closer to the piano, touched a key lightly. “Do you know Clair de Lune?”
“Moonlight.” Claire smiled cynically.
“An appropriate theme.” Noel moved closer yet. “Claire...reaching for the moon.”
Claire felt Noel’s nearness. She wanted to reach around and wrap herself in it. She wanted to immerse herself in this feeling that grew more intense and intent with every passing moment.
“Play it.” Noel’s voice was low, soft and insistent.
Claire rose, unsteadily. Noel was behind her. Their bodies radiated into one another’s. Claire could not breathe. If she did not leave she would be swallowed into this vortex of energy penetrating her very being, would lose herself in it, drown in it. She wasn’t ready.
Noel felt her hesitancy. “Who’s afraid now?”
“Great dinner Beej.” Maggie smiled sweetly at BJ who poured more wine for Noel.
“Yes...” Noel’s tone was perfunctory. “Delicious.”
“Oh, yeah. We noticed how you dropped your royal manners and scarfed it right down.” Maggie indicated Noel’s full plate as she lit a cigarette.
Noel was in a particularly off mood and Maggie wondered why she hadn’t just passed on the dinner invitation. But then, maybe things weren’t going so well at Cabin de l’amour.
“Leave her alone.” BJ began clearing the plates as Noel glanced at her watch.
Maggie watched her like a hawk. “Jesus Christ, Noel, are you ever going to get over that cardboard Barbie Doll?” Maggie felt like a shit as soon as it came out of her mouth. She was never very patient after a couple of glasses of wine.
“Maggie!” BJ came from the kitchen with a pot of coffee. She poured for the three of them.
Maggie directed her disgust to BJ. “It’s that goddamn Rita Hayworth throwback! Put the blame on Mame, girl,” Maggie warbled, terribly out of tune.
“Maggie, if you insist on crooning old show tunes, learn how to sing, would ya?” BJ was irritated but affectionate.
“Would it surprise you to know she was nowhere near my mind?” Noel’s voice was quiet but committed.
“Then what’s the problem?”
Noel paused, sipping her coffee. “I’m...tired.”
“Right.”
“Maggie—”
“For Christ’s sake! Maggie this, Maggie that!” Maggie mimicked.
“Let it go.” BJ’s voice assumed the familiar parental tone.
Noel glanced at her watch again. Even Claire was preferable to sitting here and getting the third degree from Maggie. “Thanks BJ. I should go. And, Maggs, why don’t you let it rest.”
Maggie took the suggestion under advisement, slumped a bit as she continued to smoke her cigarette, a small pout forming on her face as if she were a punished child.
Noel walked to the door. BJ followed her, put a hand to Noel’s forearm.
Noel said kindly, “I don’t know how you do it sometimes.”
“I love her,” BJ answered.
“Yes. That’s the problem. Despite herself, she’s so damn lovable. I know, I know. Detachment.” Noel touched BJ’s shoulder, concerned. “But she does seem to be getting worse.”
“Yes.” They both glanced at the floor, then back at each other, embraced in silent understanding.
“Sure it’s late enough?” BJ’s eyes quizzed Noel, but in a gentle way.
Noel frowned.
“Well, isn’t that why you’ve been waiting? To make sure she’s safely tucked in or out of bed?”
****
BJ’s words echoed in her brain. Noel was incensed that she had let things go this far. That she had allowed herself to be kept from her own cabin. Yet a part of her knew that she was as afraid of Claire’s not being there as she was of her standing before her.
When she opened the door, Claire was domestically tending a fire by the woodstove.
A rush of pleasure washed over her as she entered. “I thought you’d be...asleep.”
“So did I.” Claire continued poking at the fire, then glanced at her, with something new in her eyes. “But...I didn’t want to be rude.”
Noel was confused. Claire put down the poker, smacked her hands clean. As she turned back to Noel, a strikingly beautiful woman entered the living room from the hall. Smart, sophisticated, and dressed impeccably but inappropriately for the beach. The woman’s lips curled into a seductive smile.
“Erika!” Noel’s voice was not her own.
“You’ve got company.” Claire passed them both, glanced at Noel dismissively, and went to her room.
****
Furious, angry, frustrated. Their lovemaking was the union of Erika’s longing and Noel’s rage. Intense, piercing, and encompassing. Noel was lost in the familiar smells and sensations of Erika’s beautifully proportioned body. Erika spent hours making her perfect body a visual feast, and Noel succumbed to it ruthlessly, hungrily. She had been starving for months, and only Erika could fill her up. She wanted desperately to believe in that as she feverishly rode Erika’s unquenchable desire through the night, as they came together, frantic, lost, and insatiable.
****
The coffee grinder buzzed at a fevered pitch. Claire’s eyes opened. She laughed at the irony of it. She pulled on a robe and walked to the kitchen where Erika had made herself comfortably domestic as she rummaged about the cupboards.
“Oh, I didn’t know you were up.” Erika was more than friendly. “Would you like some coffee? Or?”
Claire watched her, feeling unusually territorial as they sized one another up. “Coffee,” Claire answered.
Erika poured her a mug, hesitated before handing it to her. “Straight?”
The tension shifted. Erika was baiting her and Claire wasn’t sure she cared to engage in battle.
“Straight.”
Erika handed her the mug.
“Where is she?” Claire was nonchalant.
“Out rousting up some breakfast.”
“I didn’t know she cooked.”
“She doesn’t.” Erika smiled victoriously. Claire took her coffee and began to walk away. “Claire?” Claire turned, ir
ritated, now. “You don’t mind if I call you Claire, do you?” Erika didn’t wait for a response. “You know who I am.”
“I have a fair idea.”
“I’d like to spend some time alone with Noel. Personal stuff.” Erika took in the general ambience. “This cabin is a bit too cozy...if you know what I mean, so I was wondering if you could make yourself...scarce.”
Claire’s nostrils flared, but before she could respond Noel entered, laden with groceries. Erika sauntered possessively towards her and took one of the bags.
Claire watched them. Not taking her eyes off Noel she set her mug down, emphatically, and walked from the room.
“What did you say to her?” Noel demanded.
“I just asked for a little privacy.”
Noel stared at Erika, put the other bag down. Before she could decide how best to handle the situation, Claire whisked through the kitchen and out the door in her sweats, clutching her overnight bag.
“Goddamn it, Erika. This is her cabin as well.”
Erika wound her way seductively to Noel, put a finger to her lips. “I thought we had unfinished...” Erika backed Noel against the counter, “business.”
“What do you want, Erika.” Noel’s voice was wary, but her eyes could not mask her desire.
“Oh, come, Dr. Benedict. I thought hidden motives were your specialty.”
****
Darkened figures shadow-dance in a pale lit room. Claire’s face is illuminated in incandescent blue as she stares at the streetlamp through the window. The unadulterated hunger in her eyes shines fiercely as the shadow comes closer, obscured by a cape and fedora. It is a tall stately figure, and Claire knows this is her master. She holds out her hands. The figure walks deliberately to her. Before the piercing ritual begins, that will mark Claire forever possessed, Claire peers into the fiery eyes of the dark creature, and sees a vague image of her captor. It is the most natural thing in the world to her to give herself over to this seducer of the night as the taunting figure plunges into the arched, aching skin of Claire’s neck. Claire gasps, delirious with pleasure, a pleasure so intense and elusive, she has only dreamed of it, insatiable and never equaled...of no return. It doesn’t matter that her life’s source is being sucked from her. All that matters is this sensation and the one that brings her to it. She must see her master. She cannot live until she knows who has brought her life. She recklessly pulls the cloak away to reveal the eyes that penetrate into her own, forever owning her. A slow smile of acceptance passes Claire’s lips. It is Noel. She draws the mouth back to her neck. She wants more, and she knows it will never be enough.
****
The tickling, prickling sensation wakened her as Brian grazed her neckline. She shut her eyes. She became sick with consciousness. As he continued to forage and she acclimated herself from the world of dream images she tried to erase the memory of Noel, to let herself feel Brian. She wanted nothing more than to enjoy it. Enjoy him. But the hardness of his body, and the faintly musky masculine smell of ardor repulsed her as it never had before.
“What’s wrong?” Brian’s voice was husky in her ear.
“Nothing.”
But neither one of them was convinced.
****
“Nothing.” Noel responded to the slumberous murmur from Erika. Erika turned over and cooed as she rubbed her back along Noel’s side.
Noel waited until Erika’s breathing relaxed into sleep, then she got up, flung a robe over her shoulders and quietly left the room.
****
Claire swaddled the motel sheet closely to her body.
“What just happened here?” Brian looked confused and disappointed.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Claire was furious with herself and turned her anger on him.
“Shit, Claire, first you’re all over me, and then—”
“Look. I don’t have to fuck you.” Claire saw the pain in his eyes but she couldn’t help striking out.
“Yeah...whatever.” Brian rolled back to his side of the bed, sighing heavily.
“Yeah...” Claire got up and disappeared into the bathroom. “Whatever.”
****
Noel’s teeth were clenched as she made herself another cup of tea. Erika had been sleeping for hours and she had been pacing, peering out at the same damn view, running through the maze of anger, disappointment, confusion and denial she could not utter, even to herself. Especially to herself.
A shadow came up from behind her. Erika’s hand ran up her arm, resting at her neck, gently smoothing the cropped hair to the side. Noel bristled at the contact.
“Hey...”
Noel didn’t respond, continued to stare at the ocean.
“Dr. Benedict, I want to so thank you for sharing.” Erika’s voice was seductive, then fiercely intense. “It’s always so good with you.”
Noel’s body was straight and unyielding.
“I could taste it, Noel. I’ve waited too long.” Erika finally sensed that Noel was a million miles away. “What’s the matter? You were there with me.”
“I...” Noel wasn’t sure what to say. “It’s...”
“Certainly the great communicator can come up with something better than that.” Noel studied her a moment, her eyes piercing through her. Erika’s insecurities hung like shredded ribbons on her sleeve. They always had. She just used to be much better disguising it. Erika had always been an open book. Noel looked beyond her, then, knowing her hunger for this woman had been an illusion. Erika had been an illusion from the start.
“It’s what I want.” Erika tried a different tack. “It’s all I have ever really wanted.”
Noel’s jaw clenched in disgust. She twisted her body away from contact and moved several feet, never taking her eyes off the ocean.
“Have you bothered to tell your husband that?”
****
“Poor darlin’.” Tara sipped her tea. “I put her on the bus this mornin’. Her life’s goin’ to be utter hell for the next few months.”
Maggie drank her coffee. BJ had convinced her to stay on the wagon for a week. Hell, she could give it one week. She looked around at the women who had spent the last four weeks of their lives there. They were silent, feeling Lynn’s pain, a condition they had all been in at some juncture in their lives. This was the last meeting and an air of nostalgic solemnity filled the room.
“Well, ladies...this is it. Our very last Thursday night soiree! Bet you’ll miss them.” Maggie grinned. They all chuckled. “I know I will.”
“How about some sincerity.” BJ came up behind her. “Just once, dear.”
“Surely you jest. Let’s see. Sincerity. OK. It’s been an interesting group this year. Some heated debates, broadening of the minds...couple of intriguing turns...in the most unlikely of places.” Maggie’s eyes buzzed from Tara to Adrienne, and then rested momentarily on Claire. She peppered her next statement with innuendo. “Some fun, and hopefully you all got what you came for. Only have two openings left for next year. You can count on one thing. Each one’s more fascinatin’ than the last.”
“Well if it’s such a chore, Maggs,” BJ teased her, “why in the hell put yourself through it?” BJ pulled her close.
“Not in front of the children, dear.”
“If you eat...” BJ mimicked, seductively.
“She says this now, but as soon as she gets back to the city she’ll revert to her uptight, anal ways.” Maggie wrapped her arms over BJ’s. She would always adore this woman who put up with her. She felt lucky, suddenly, even if a bit hungover.
“Take it while you can.” Shilo’s voice floated over them all. “Take it while you can.”
****
Noel and Claire walked from Maggie’s cabin several paces away from each other. At the cabin they immediately retreated to their rooms.
Claire packed her clothes. Noel discarded the work before her. She heard Claire in the kitchen.
Noel hesitated. She walked out and saw Claire had stuffed the
last of her belongings into an overnight bag that sat precariously on the counter. Claire pulled out an opened bottle of wine from the refrigerator, poured herself a healthy glass.
“I’m sorry.” Noel’s voice was void of emotion. “She had no right to ask you to leave.”
“Well?” Claire studied Noel’s face, the guilty expression on it. She popped the cork back into the bottle of wine with emphasis. “I guess misery’s better than nothing.”
“It’s over.” Noel’s eyes were full of pain.
Claire felt the rawness in Noel’s voice. It ripped into her stomach and immediately turned her anger to compassion. Her impulse was to reach out to her, but she couldn’t. She had no control these days over her feelings, or what she wanted to do about them. She felt like a crazy woman. She trusted nothing, no one, least of all herself.
Noel mechanically touched the robe that half fell out of Claire’s bag. “Going...somewhere?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
“And I thought, since there’s only a couple of days left. I might as well stay with him.” Then, as an afterthought, “Brian.”
Noel fingered the edge of the robe a second longer. “Quite a commitment, isn’t it?”
“I’ll live with it.” Claire took another gulp.
“Claire. It isn’t necessary for you to leave.”
“Hey, no problem. I’ve just made other plans.”
A long silence passed between them.
“I guess that’s it then.” Noel said goodbye with her eyes and walked out the door.