Working on an issue that rears its head so frequently means that we always have a steady stream of new people coming onboard. In a macabre way, this is good, because having a consistent flow of new people joining is a sign of health: it means your organization’s message is still compelling, and it brings in new energy and new ideas. Yet it’s also challenging because those new ideas may require you to change and evolve—two things that humans instinctively resist.
The way we’ve organized enables us to bring volunteers onboard quickly and effectively. Our organizational model is based on the “snowflake” model, developed by the political organizer Marshall Ganz and used by, among others, the Sierra Club (it’s a pretty ironic name given other contemporary uses of the term “snowflake”). In the snowflake model, each state has a volunteer chapter leader in the center with a circle of volunteer positions supporting her. The volunteers are responsible for data entry, event planning, and everything in between. Yet, because each snowflake is different and so is each state, the particulars of those volunteers around the center can vary. Ideally, each chapter leader holds her position for two years while cultivating a new leader from her snowflake to whom she can pass on her responsibilities when she is ready to move on. We also created regional manager roles, which are paid positions, to help manage the state chapters.
This organizing model is built to grow and change along with your organization. As proof, we have changed and adapted our leadership structure multiple times since we started. As I mentioned above, after the shooting tragedy in Parkland, Florida, Moms Demand Action chapters across the country absorbed nearly two hundred thousand volunteers in just a few weeks. Meetings that typically included two dozen people suddenly had to accommodate hundreds and even thousands of new volunteers. It was still a ton of work to reach out to everyone and to adapt to our new reality, but because we had the structure in place, we had places to put people. And it worked—we retained a huge percentage of the volunteers who sought us out during that time.
While volunteering is crucial for organizational growth, it’s also a powerful mechanism for personal growth. Volunteering gives you opportunities to unleash and channel your inner badass, as I covered in Chapter 3. That’s a positive development, but it can also send shockwaves into other parts of your life—such as your marriage and your parenting—that might at first feel destructive, especially if you aren’t on the lookout for the positive changes that they also leave in their wake.
Navigating the Changes Volunteering Can Make to Your Marriage
It is absolutely true that volunteering can help you recognize your own power. But it is just as true that as you start to own that power, ripples will move out into your life that can affect all your relationships, including your marriage. It certainly changed mine.
Just to give you the backstory: I got married to my first husband right out of college when I was twenty-three. By the time I was twenty-nine, I had three kids and was the primary breadwinner for our family. By the time I reached my mid-thirties, my then-husband and I realized that we’d grown up and become two completely different people. We divorced soon after, although we remain committed co-parents—he lives near me and our kids, and we share custody.
When I started Moms Demand Action, I had been married to my husband John for only five years. We were still in what we called “the merge”: head over heels in love with all of the accompanying hormones and neurochemicals that keep you glued to one another’s hips. We were just coming out of that phase when Sandy Hook happened. We went from the honeymoon period straight into a tornado—one that we hadn’t had a chance to plan for.
John was supportive and told me that night I created the first iteration of Moms Demand Action that he thought my Facebook group would be “really big.” He gamely stepped up and started doing even more of the cooking than he was already doing, as well as the shopping, the childcare, and the chauffeuring for our now-five kids (he has two daughters of his own). But the fact that I transformed basically overnight from stay-at-home mom into more-than-full-time volunteer threw us into turmoil.
John is twelve years older than I am, so sometimes we’ve had to marry our two different ideas of what a mom is and what a marriage is. Luckily, because we’d both been married before, we’d made a commitment when we got together to go to marriage counseling every two weeks, no matter what. Through that, we explored our marriage as a container—one that has to be able to hold each individual as well as two individuals as a couple. You have to be able to have your own individual lives and to exist together, and the happier you are as an individual, the happier you’ll be as a couple. When you have that container, nearly anything can happen, and your bond will survive and thrive.
We’ve spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how to stay connected at the same time that I’m doing this work that I find so fulfilling—and that frequently requires me to travel. We had to figure out how to avoid his feeling lonely and how to avoid my feeling constricted—because neither feeling is tolerable. We’ve worked hard to construct a container that allows us to be connected and able to pursue our respective passions. We went through a fair amount of growing pains, but they were worth it.
The other important piece counseling has helped us put in perspective is that marriage is a long game. Now, six years into Moms Demand Action and eleven years into our marriage, I’m not so in-the-trenches as a volunteer (more evidence that sharing the workload is key for longevity and happiness). I’ve had time to go to graduate school and write this book. And now he’s taken a job that requires him to commute from our home in Boulder, Colorado, to San Francisco Monday through Thursday, so I’m back in the role of primary parent. (The kids and I eat out when he’s gone—the folks at Chipotle know us by name.) It’s his turn to pursue something wholeheartedly that he finds fulfilling, and it’s my turn to be happy and excited for him as he does a job that he loves. Had Moms Demand Action not happened, I probably wouldn’t have known how to support him in that way yet. He taught me.
I’m incredibly proud of the fact that John and I have been able to strengthen our marriage even amid the growth of Moms Demand Action. I also have to admit that I love seeing him be proud of me—even when my work can sometimes encroach on our private life. For example, we recently went to Maui for vacation, and someone from the local chapter found out we’d be there and asked us to come to an event. It wasn’t necessarily something John wanted to do, especially because there was a lot of traffic and it took us an hour to get there. But once we were there and I gave a speech, I could see him beaming with pride the whole time.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that you want to always communicate with your partner not only about the new logistics your volunteerism will create in your relationship (you may not be on hand to cook the dinner or watch the kids as much as you were before), but also about how much it matters to you. Ultimately, your partner wants you to be happy, and if volunteering contributes to that, you’ll find a way to make it work. This may happen through trial and error, but I believe that there is always a way for both partners to get their primary needs met.
Sharing Your Kids and Your Cause
As I mentioned, before Moms Demand Action, I was a classic helicopter parent; I was super involved in all the kids’ school and sporting events, the homework, the friend drama . . . I was in it to win it. Practically overnight, my helicopter that had been hovering over my children started flying all over the country.
The kids told me a few times along the way that they were sad I was gone so much. It was certainly a switch for them. I’d been at home with them for the previous five years, and they’d gotten accustomed to my being there when they needed anything. But it wasn’t as big a shock as it could have been, because I had worked their whole lives as a corporate communications executive up until John and I got married.
My work with Moms Demand Action was a blessing in disguise because it forced me to not be so tightly involved with them—it was better in the lon
g run for my kids and for me, as it gave us all some independence. My oldest daughter, Abby, in particular felt a palpable sense of relief that I was no longer always on her about homework and grades. And the kids still had two other parents (John and my ex-husband)—a situation that has actually been quite beneficial, because having an extra parent means that a lot less falls through the cracks. Thanks in large part to this setup, they were always well tended to, even when I was on the road. And really, it’s not a bad thing for men to have to step up in the parenting arena. When Emma got an award for being on the soccer team her senior year and I was away at a Moms Demand Action event, her dad and step-dad walked her across the field together—that’s a special experience none of them would have had if I’d been around.
Even my youngest, Sam, whose nonresponse to the Sandy Hook shooting played such a big role in inspiring me to create Moms Demand Action, has gotten on board in a big way. He’s the same age as the Parkland kids and voted for the first time in the 2018 midterm elections. He proudly took part in the National School Walkout for gun safety in April 2018 and supports my work with Moms Demand Action. There have been periodic pangs of unhappiness, but it’s important to me as a parent to show my kids that women can do whatever they want in life. The trick is to balance that with tangible reminders that they’re always my priority.
That’s not always easy; I’ve certainly had major parenting challenges in the midst of running Moms Demand Action, and at times I have felt the conflicting pull of having both a family and an outside passion. One of the hardest challenges was Emma’s eating disorder. Devastatingly, she was the victim of acquaintance rape in the summer before she left for college, although she didn’t tell us until she came home for Christmas break. By that time, she had begun to develop anorexia, but we didn’t recognize the signs. We got her treatment for the trauma, but not for the eating disorder. After she returned to school, it got worse.
The following Christmas break, we realized Emma had a serious problem. She ended up dropping out of school, being hospitalized, and then going into a long-term treatment center in Denver. After she finished treatment, she transferred to a new college, but she relapsed before the quarter was out.
Several times during those harrowing months, I’d be on the way to the airport to attend a Moms Demand Action event, when I’d get a call from Emma and realize the place I needed to be was with her. It was hard to let people down, but it was nonnegotiable: I had to be there for my daughter when she needed my support the most. It was also a gift for me to realize that the world wouldn’t end if I wasn’t available to my colleagues every moment of every day—they’ve got my back, and our movement is in great hands when I’m not there.
On the other hand, I might have been overwhelmed by Emma’s eating disorder if I hadn’t had Moms Demand Action. I’m sure most moms can relate—it’s our instinct to blame ourselves for our children’s misfortunes, and to allow ourselves to be only as happy as our unhappiest child.
I’ve tweeted about Emma’s eating disorder, and some people have told me that it’s too private a topic to discuss so publicly. I understand why they might feel that way—there’s a lot of shame around eating disorders and mental illness. But Emma herself talks about it openly. Eating disorders are a disease, and talking about her anorexia is no different from talking about any other illness. If anything, shame is what leads to an eating disorder, and being able to talk about it is a big part of Emma’s recovery.
She also had plenty of extra moms—or I should say, Moms—pulling for her and supporting her during her recovery. Emma, who turned sixteen just days after I founded Moms Demand Action, has been an involved member each step of the way. I’ve taken her and all of our kids to Moms Demand Action events because it’s important for them to see what I’m working on all day, every day, and for them to experience the empowerment that comes from banding together with others to fight for something you value. Emma has also gotten involved in the pride movement—it’s been incredibly poignant and moving to see such a visible reminder of why I do this work, because I want everyone’s children to be able to do the things they care about without being vulnerable to gun violence.
All that being said, I get that because my kids were older, they didn’t need me as much as they would have if they had been toddlers, preschoolers, or even in elementary school. You may be at a point of your parenting journey where you can’t throw yourself wholeheartedly into a volunteer position. Maybe you don’t even have kids but you have a consuming job and a full life and don’t have a lot of time to offer. Just remember that you don’t have to get nearly as involved as I did!
You can do plenty of things in little slivers of time, like calling lawmakers while the kids nap or sharing messages about the causes you care about on social media during your commute. They all add up, and they all matter. Those small habits of activism that you build now will make it that much easier for you to participate in a bigger way when your life changes—and it will change, eventually. It always does.
Why You Need to Say “Yes” to That Impulse to Volunteer
In this chapter I’ve talked about how doubt can keep you from saying “yes” to getting involved in a campaign for change, but there’s one aspect of that doubt that I haven’t talked about yet that is vital to address. And that’s the feeling that it doesn’t matter what anybody does; nothing will ever change. This is a sentiment captured in a 2015 tweet that’s often re-tweeted around the December remembrances of the Sandy Hook school shooting that the British journalist Dan Hodges wrote: “In retrospect Sandy Hook marked the end of the US gun control debate. Once America decided killing children was bearable, it was over.”
I would like to pinch the fat part of Dan Hodges’s arm. His comment is so cynical and so untrue. This is America. And that means this is a democracy—government by the people and for the people. Without your direct involvement, democracy does not work. You can’t just sit on the sidelines and say, “Wow, this is horrible.” You have to get involved.
Every day I witness more and more proof that when you get involved, things do change. Best of all, our country gives us a framework for getting involved, by voting, by communicating with lawmakers and corporations, and even by running for office. The tools are there; it’s up to each of us to use them—to use our voices and our votes. That means it’s up to you.
You don’t have to be rich, or powerful, or backed by a rich and powerful man to be effective. I wasn’t anybody special when I decided that the current state of affairs was wrong and that I had to do something. And all the women who stepped up to help me weren’t special either.
You are the perfect person to follow that inspiration you’re feeling to volunteer for something you care about. We, your soul sisters, will be right by your side, helping you shine when you do.
7
Be Seen
On February 1, 2018, state representative Robert Byrd from the very red state of Tennessee introduced a bill that would allow teachers and school staff to carry a concealed weapon on school premises.
Nashville Moms Demand Action volunteers were having none of it.
When they found out that the bill would be heard by the House Civil Justice Committee on February 14, they made a plan to show up at the statehouse wearing their red T-shirts to testify against the bill. About ninety volunteers attended. While the committee was in session, the news broke that a school shooting was simultaneously happening in Parkland, Florida. In the wake of the horrendous news, the committee members decided to wait to vote on the bill until the next committee meeting; Moms Demand Action volunteers channeled their grief and anger over the shooting into fuel for the next round.
The Tennessee chapter leads then planned a big advocacy day for March 7, where six hundred Moms Demand Action volunteers showed up at the statehouse to meet with legislators—although the Civil Justice Committee opted not to convene that day. It ended up meeting on March 20, instead, a day for which we had not coordinated a large contingent to be
on hand. At that meeting, members voted to pass the bill along to the next committee that needed to review it—the Education Administration and Planning Committee. “We were really nervous when we saw how easily the bill made it out of that [first] committee,” recalls Kristi Cornett, one of the chapter leads. The Tennessee team knew they would have to up their game.
As soon as they found out the date of the next committee meeting, “We put out a call to volunteers from all over the state and basically begged them to attend—we had people who left their houses at 4 a.m. to make it to the statehouse on time,” Kristi says. On that April day, forty Moms Demand Action volunteers packed the hearing room. The whole left side of the room was a sea of red shirts—some supporters even had to wait outside in the hall because of fire code restrictions.
The mostly Republican (male) lawmakers who sat on that committee were clearly taken aback; as they looked out at the crowd with wide eyes, Kristi says you could almost hear their hard swallows of surprise. Even though the numbers were clearly on the side of Moms Demand Action—there were only two NRA representatives in attendance—the volunteers were still nervous.
“Heading in, we really didn’t think we had the votes we needed,” Kristi said. Yet they did, when three Republican lawmakers changed their minds and voted to kill the bill. The final vote was seven to five.
To be clear, Tennessee volunteers had made hundreds of phone calls to those legislators too, and they had already shown up en masse twice before—once for the Civil Justice Committee meeting and another time for the advocacy day. But something about having all those red shirts in the room on the day of the vote changed the outcome.
A lot of ingredients go into successful change-making, but one you can’t discount is branding. Having an instantly identifiable presence helps you build that key component that ultimately effects change: influence.
Fight Like a Mother Page 13