by Jenna Kernan
When the singing was done and the service over, people milled about outside, wishing happy Christmas to each other, exchanging hugs and well wishes. Lucy made her way over to Kathleen.
“Garrett must not be back. He usually hands out the gifts to the youngsters.”
Kathleen glanced over to see Brent opening his carriage boot and pulling out a small box. He called a name and a young boy ran up to accept the present. More names and presents followed. “There were...words between us. I wasn’t...kind.”
Lucy frowned, then led Kathleen away from those milling in front of the church and over to the freestanding bell tower. Kathleen checked for Lily and found Barbara Sheridan crouched down, talking to her with Molly standing close by.
“What happened?” Lucy asked in a hushed voice.
“He asked me to marry him.”
Lucy’s shoulders sank. “Guess I saw that coming. He’s loved you since forever.”
Startled that Lucy would know, Kathleen asked, “He told you?”
“Course not. You know how Garrett is—tight-lipped as a nutshell. It’s plain in how he treats you, how he lights up when you walk into a room. I’d hoped last Christmas that he was over you. That’s why I twisted his arm about going to the dance. But then you came back.”
“It doesn’t matter. There’s too much between us to ever marry. Just too much heartbreak.”
“He must have told you about that night. About the fight.” Lucy shrugged. “So he stood up for you.”
“I guess you could say that, but he took it too far. Josh didn’t come home that night.”
“He would have if Sadie hadn’t stepped in.”
The name was unfamiliar to Kathleen. “Sadie?”
“Yes. Sadie and Josh.”
A knife wedged in Kathleen’s chest. “Don’t...” she whispered.
“Garrett left that part out, didn’t he?”
“Josh...was with another woman?” She’d known he’d been drinking more, spending more evenings away. But she hadn’t known he was seeing someone.
“When Garrett broke Josh’s nose, the fight ended and Josh was ready to go home. Garrett walked over to the bartender to get a cloth for the blood, and in that moment Sadie Darnell sidled up to Josh. Your husband grabbed a bottle of whiskey and left—leaning on Sadie.”
“I didn’t know....”
“Course not. Garrett knew it would hurt you.”
Kathleen straightened. “It doesn’t change anything. Garrett’s been looking out for Lily and me out of guilt. He would marry me...out of guilt over what he’s done. Marriage is hard enough without doing it for the wrong reasons. It’s better I don’t see him again. There’s too much that’s happened. Too much to ever put things back together again.”
“Not if you love him.”
She looked up to heaven. Stars blurred in the cold night sky. “I don’t even know what love is between a man and a woman! It sure wasn’t the way Josh treated me! All I have is Lily. And I’m trying to do the best by her.” She was shaking, and not from the cold. Where had that outburst come from? She’d never told anyone about the way Josh treated her, never said anything bad about him. She was falling apart here. Coming back to Clear Springs had been a terrible choice.
Lucy pressed her lips together and then stepped forward and hugged Kathleen. “Don’t be too hasty in making this decision. You won’t get another chance—not from Garrett. Besides, it’s Christmas. A time to remember, but also a time to forgive. Soon it will be a new year.” She turned and headed back to the small knot of people left in front of the church.
Kathleen swiped the tears from her eyes and stood there, piecing together all that Lucy had said.
“Mama! Mama!” Lily ran up to her and tugged on her hand, leading her back toward the Sheridans. They were the last people Kathleen wanted to see just now.
“Honey. We need to head back to Molly’s. It’s getting late.”
“Grandmother told me to get you. She wants to give you something.”
She let Lily drag her toward Barbara, girding herself for the moment. Like Lucy had said, it was Christmas and should be a happy time—at least for children. She’d take Lily back to the house and make some hot cocoa. It would be okay. She’d make it be okay for Lily.
When she neared, Barbara smiled hesitantly. “Merry Christmas. I...I want to invite you and Lily and Molly out to the ranch tomorrow to spend the day with us.”
It was a lovely invitation, and Kathleen wondered whether or not Barbara and Brent knew what had transpired between her and Garrett.
“Thank you, but Lily and I have other plans.” She saw Molly’s surprised expression from the corner of her eye.
Barbara’s shoulders slumped. “Oh. I see.”
Did the woman really want to spend the day with her?
“Well, then, since we won’t be seeing you, I have a gift for each of you in the carriage. Brent?”
Her husband stepped to the boot and withdrew four packages.
Why? Why were they being kind to her after so long? Had she been mistaken five years ago? Had she only seen what she wanted to? Had her own shortcomings with Josh distorted what had really happened back then?
Each present was wrapped in white paper and tied with a red ribbon—all save one. Barbara handed them out, giving two to Lily. “Please, if anything changes your mind...you are welcome tomorrow. I’ll hold on to the hope that you’ll come.”
Kathleen shook her head. She couldn’t even speak. Confusion roiled like yesterday’s breakfast in her stomach.
Brent helped his wife into the carriage and then climbed in after her. He glanced at each one of them in turn, and in his quiet gaze, Kathleen could see Garrett’s patient look. There wasn’t a bit of condemnation in it. Just...caring.
“Merry Christmas,” Barbara said, and squeezed her husband’s shoulder. Brent took the hint, flicked the reins and set off toward the ranch.
* * *
Kathleen couldn’t sleep. Molly and Lily had been asleep for an hour when she tucked the covers around her daughter and left the bedroom. The parlor fireplace glowed with the last of the embers. Blue moonlight filtered through the crack in the window curtains. She pushed the heavy fabric aside and looked out to the road. A new dusting of snow had fallen since they’d returned from church, but now the clouds had passed over and the sky was clearing. The world seemed changed somehow, in these hours between dusk and dawn. An illusion. Only an illusion.
How could she stay in Clear Springs with how things were? She couldn’t bear to see Garrett at odd times in the bakery or in town and not speak to him. Couldn’t bear to know he was as close as the ranch. Was it really as simple as Lucy said?
Restless, she stirred the embers and added a few small sticks from the wood box. She tiptoed quietly back to the bedroom and to the foot of her bed. Lily’s soft breathing broke the silence pressing down all around. Kathleen opened the large trunk and wedged the dowel to hold the lid. Digging down in the far right corner, she searched until her fingers brushed against the ear of the stuffed bunny she’d made for her daughter. She pulled it out, straightened the silk vest and fluffed its tail. Her gift to Molly came next. Warm slippers she’d knitted whenever Molly had been gone to her quilting group.
She placed the bunny and the slippers under the tree with the gifts from Barbara and Brent. The lone one from Garrett pulled her gaze. What was he giving Lily? She could open it and then rewrap it. Molly might know, but Lily wouldn’t know any better. Still, that seemed dishonest. It was dishonest.
She settled into the rocking chair and picked up her needlepoint. She rocked back and forth. Back and forth. All the while, staring at that present.
“Enough!” she muttered under her breath. She grabbed the package and untied the string before her good sense could stop her. A book. A simple book!
She sat down and stared at it. No title, nothing on the outside to suggest what it was about. On the inside cover Garrett had written the words, “For my niece, Lily Sheridan, on her first Christmas in Clear Springs.”
She read the first few lines. It was about Josh—his life as a boy growing up on the ranch—his favorite pastimes, colors, horses, pets. She flipped through a few pages. There Garrett had written about a Fourth of July parade that Josh had been in when he was twelve. She remembered that parade! A coyote had spooked the horses and they’d run every which way that year, causing pandemonium. The entire book was a story for Lily about her father that she could treasure the rest of her life. Kathleen’s throat thickened with emotion.
But how did Garrett end it?
She turned to the back.
Josh Sheridan was one of the friendliest, fun kids in school, and that never changed as he got older. Your ma was the prettiest gal in Clear Springs. When your Ma caught Josh’s eye and he caught hers, they fell hard and fast into love. When he found out a baby was coming—you!—he was the happiest man on this mountain and couldn’t wait to see you.
But accidents happen. And it did to Josh. We all miss him. But I know he’s watching from heaven and so proud of his little girl. And real happy that she’s moved back to the mountain he loved so much and called home.
She closed the book—and realized her face was wet with tears. A gulpy sob escaped. This gift was so precious. Not just to Lily, but to her, as well. There were parts of Josh’s life she’d never known. And the ending, well...it was true. Josh had been happy about Lily. He’d been ecstatic. It was only later when the doubts had crept in about supporting a family that the tension started.
How had things reached this...this mess? Josh hadn’t been perfect. Far from it, apparently, with Lucy’s recent revelation about Sadie. But didn’t she have to stay true to Josh and his memory? For Lily?
What about what she wanted?
She began to rewrap the book, but paused once more to look at the writing. It looked so familiar. Where had she seen it before?
An eerie feeling washed through her. Slowly, she rose and walked back to the room she shared with Lily. She opened the trunk and searched through the layers of garments until her fingers touched the leather book of sonnets. Unable to discern its color or shape in the dark, she was yet vividly aware of them anyway.
Back in the parlor, she took a deep breath. At least she was smarter now...wiser. She flipped through the pages to the beginning.
For Kathleen McCrory
With affection
JGS
She stared at the writing as if she’d never seen it before. Trouble was...she had. She closed her eyes, unwilling to give room to the suspicion that tried to crowd her thoughts. It was just a coincidence. They were brothers. Of course their handwriting would be similar. It happened like that in families, didn’t it? Josh Grover Sheridan. Or could it be Garrett Joseph Sheridan? The J and G were hopelessly intertwined. She blinked and a tear dropped onto the page, smudging the indigo ink.
What had happened that night? She closed her eyes, trying to see it all again in her memory. Josh shouting at her, then leaving in a fit of anger. Garrett racing into the room to check that she was all right and then following Josh. What had Josh said? What piece of the puzzle was missing?
She’d known Josh was restless. Something had been bothering him for a while, but he’d not confided in her. Ever since the wedding he’d grown more distant. More unhappy. It had scared her. With Lily growing inside her, she had become bigger and more awkward. She’d needed his reassurance that everything was all right, because it didn’t feel all right to her. She’d thought he married her out of love, but toward the end she’d felt like a burden.
That night she hadn’t wanted to be alone—not in his parents’ house. He’d left her alone so much. Maybe he would stay if she could get him talking. That was when she’d asked him to read to her. The book of sonnets was beside her and so she’d suggested it. And then everything got worse.
She forced herself to remember, aching inside again just as she had that night. Josh had mumbled about being the wrong one. It had been in such a low voice that she’d asked him to repeat it. He’d looked directly at her, and the stark frustration in his eyes had taken her aback. His jaw had tensed and finally he had said, “I can’t do this.” Then he’d stormed out.
And she’d thought it was her fault. That she couldn’t hold on to him. He was slipping away. She was too young, too inexperienced, to hold on to her man. The shame had overwhelmed her.
Until now.
She stared at the writing...Garrett’s words. Garrett had given her the book and Josh had taken the credit. And she’d believed him. After all, Josh was closer to her age. He had flattered her with his sudden, all-consuming interest and swept her off her feet.
Like a challenge—a competition.
Why had Josh done it? What kind of man would do that to his own brother? And why hadn’t Garrett spoken up? Her entire marriage had been based on a lie! Could it be true, then, what Garrett had said? He really had loved her all this time?
Her hands shook as she turned the book over in them, smoothing her palm over the page. Calming a bit, Lucy’s words came back to her. He’s loved you since forever.
Well, she saw it now. He loved her. And he’d risked that love not once but twice. First, by stepping back when she’d fallen for his brother and again when he’d been honest with her and revealed the truth about the last night of Josh’s life.
She closed her eyes and leaned back against the chair, her heart, her very soul aching as she realized the truth. Garrett had been more interested in Josh’s happiness, and in her happiness, than his own. A selfless love. Just like the sonnets proclaimed.
And she’d thrown it away....
Chapter Twelve
“Everything is ready,” Ma called out from the kitchen window.
Garrett held up his hand to acknowledge her. He’d returned late yesterday from his trip, so this year Pa had been the one to shoot a pheasant for the table. His stomach rumbled just thinking of the special Christmas dressing and gravy. He’d caught a whiff of it earlier. He pounded his ax through the thin layer of ice on the water in the horse trough and immediately Blue pushed up to his side to drink. Garrett slipped from the corral and latched the gate.
The whinny of a horse pulled his attention to the lane. A buggy approached—one from the livery. Molly held the reins, with Kathleen and Lily sitting on the front seat beside her.
He stopped in his tracks. She was the last person he had expected to see. Four days away had done nothing to ease the ache inside, and he’d finally admitted to himself that it never would go completely away. He’d have to live with it. He took a steadying breath.
Pa stepped out onto the porch, followed by Ma. They each exchanged glances, then looked at him as if he knew what was happening. He walked over to join them.
Molly pulled the rig up before the house and tied off the reins to the brake. “Well, don’t just stand there. Help a body down,” she said good-naturedly. “I got fixin’s in the back to haul in.”
He helped her down and then he turned back to Lily. “Miss Lily. Welcome and happy Christmas.” He grabbed her under the arms and swung her in a wide arc to the ground, enjoying the sound of her giggles.
She crooked her finger at him. “Can I see Dixie?”
“The colt? Sure. After dinner I’ll take you to the stable.”
He turned back to Kathleen and his throat constricted. She looked more beautiful than ever in her dark blue cloak and what looked to be a new, cream-colored scarf. Strands of her blond hair had escaped from her bun and her cheeks were pink from the brisk winter air. He helped her down from the high step, wanting more than anything to keep hold of her.
“Thank you, Garrett.” There was a new s
hyness to her voice as she avoided his gaze and smoothed her cloak.
Something was different. Something he couldn’t quite place. He braced himself. Having her here today would be difficult after all that had gone on between them, yet he wouldn’t want her anywhere else.
Ma wiped her hands on her apron. “I’m so glad you had a change of heart. Come right in. Brent? Help with those things in the buggy.”
Kathleen wasn’t paying attention. She was looking directly at him. “Your mother invited us at the church service last night.”
He’d heard. “You declined.”
“I thought...I wanted...” She clenched her hands, took a step toward him.
Ma and Molly turned briefly on the porch and then moved inside with Lily.
Kathleen watched them go and then drew in her breath. “I changed my mind, Garrett.”
“I can see that.” He shrugged as if it was nothing to him one way or the other.
“I...changed my mind about a lot of things.”
He let out a slow breath. A lot of things?
“That book Josh gave me? There’s this poem in it...about gold. It says there’s the kind that glitters in the river—sitting right there just waiting to be picked up.”
He rubbed his neck. “You’re talking in riddles, Kathleen. What are you getting at?”
She swallowed. “Josh was that kind of gold. On the surface, easy to see, fun, exciting. I’ll always love him for giving me Lily.”
So that was it. She still loved Josh. He didn’t figure into her life—other than as an uncle to Lily. “All right. I understand.”
“The other gold,” she continued, “is more difficult because it is hidden deep in the earth. But it’s pure and even more of a treasure for all the work it takes to find. A person has to chip away at the surrounding rock to get to it.”