We did fuck him, though. Of course we did. And just as he’d been outside of the bedroom, he’d been extraordinarily nice inside it as well. His generosity had been what Amber had liked the most about him. Not only did he give her several orgasms in a night, but he’d also caress her and massage her and lavish her with attention.
He’d caressed and massaged and lavished me with attention as well. I just hadn’t responded to it the same way she had. The sex had bored me and it had very rarely been satisfying. Poor Bryan would lick me for what seemed like days, and I’d still go to bed frustrated. Each time was exhausting and embarrassing and not worth the effort. Early on, I’d considered excusing myself from the sexual activities altogether, until I’d discovered that Bryan also had difficulty releasing. Pretty much the only thing that could make him come was watching two women make out. More specifically, watching Amber and me make out. My participation had therefore been necessary. At least, it had been if I’d wanted to keep everyone happy, and I very much had wanted just that. So what if my own happiness was ignored? At least it was a much better situation than the one I’d left in Mexico, where orgasms were in abundance but so were bruises, fractures, and other assorted injuries.
Despite having several guest bedrooms available, we had all slept together in a king-size bed in Bryan’s master suite. It was the first threesome we’d been in where Amber and I had been treated equally, or, at least, where the façade was that we were equal. I didn’t try to fool myself that it was anything other than a ruse, and in case I ever needed proof, I got it when I’d sit outside on the balcony off the bedroom and listen to their conversations spill through the vent, unbeknownst to them.
One night, I heard Bryan ask, “With Emily – am I doing something wrong?” His concern had been sincere enough. Even though I suspected he was in love with Amber, he’d always sincerely wanted both of us to be happy and cared for.
“She was raped,” Amber had said in explanation for my distance. “She’s still recovering. Be patient with her.”
“That must be it. Sure. I’ll be patient.” There had been a brief pause before he’d asked, “Are you sure she’s just not more into women than men? The other day she got off really easy when she was fondling your tits.”
“I’m surprised you noticed since you also got off really easy when she was fondling my tits.”
Bryan chuckled. “True, true.”
They grew silent and my thoughts turned to the occasion Bryan had mentioned. We’d been in a variation of sixty-nine – Amber, sucking Bryan’s cock while he went down on her while, at the same time, he’d finger-banged me. And I’d tried – I’d tried so hard to be turned on, but I just couldn’t get there.
Then Amber had let up on the blow job to turn to me. “Touch my tits, Em.”
I reached over and cupped a breast in my palm.
“Not like that,” she’d snapped. “My nipples. Roll them between your fingers. Do it now.” She’d even taken my hand and placed it exactly where she’d wanted it.
Amber had always been good about asking for what she needed, but usually it had come in the form of pleading. This time, she’d made demands. She’d ordered me and used me for her own sexual pleasure. It was base and completely self-motivated on her part – she hadn’t been concerned whether I was getting off. She’d been so consumed with her own climax that I hadn’t even been sure she’d realized Bryan was working on me as well.
And I’d found that arousing. Very arousing.
“But you know,” Amber had said, interrupting the memory, “I don’t think that was the reason Em was into it.” She said it if she’d been thinking about the scenario at the same time I had, and in retrospect, she’d realized something that she hadn’t before.
A chill had run down my spine and my skin had started to tingle. It had felt like suddenly discovering I’d been being watched when I’d thought I was alone. It had been unnerving and comforting all at once.
Bryan hadn’t seemed to have been struck with the same insight that Amber had. “You don’t? What do you think it was?”
She’d hesitated. Then in her ultimate flirty voice, she’d said, “You. Silly.” I’d known her well enough to recognize her cover. She hadn’t really believed that it had been he who’d made me come. Either she hadn’t wanted to hurt his ego or she hadn’t understood enough about what she’d figured out to put it into words so she’d given him the credit. But I was certain that she’d had a moment of clarity and that she had finally glimpsed the animal that dwelled inside of me.
Whether that had been the first time she’d ever thought about what turned me on or whether she’d been trying to figure it out for a while, I wasn’t sure. But after that, she’d been different with me, acknowledging the thing between us more than she ever had before. She’d always been slightly bossy, saying things like “Wear your hair in a French braid,” instead of “maybe you should braid it” like someone else might. Now when she made her commands, she’d look me in the eye as if to say, “I know. I know this is what you want and so that’s what I’ll give you.”
It tied me to her tighter than ever. Eventually I learned it tied her to me as well.
We’d been living with Bryan for almost a year when he proposed.
“I think you should marry me.” It had come from out of the blue. I’d learned to tune out most of their conversations, and I’d been surprised I’d even caught it.
“What?” Amber had said, echoing my own surprise.
“Marry me.” His tone was so sweet. So sincere. So romantic in its simplicity. “Yes, I’m more than twice your age, and my ex will have a field day with the news, but who the fuck cares? I love you. I can make you happy. Let’s get married.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Her voice sounded tight and I’d wondered if she was fighting tears or if she was already crying.
“Yes. You could say yes.” His boyish exuberance in that moment endeared him to me more than anything before had.
“I love you, too, but…” She’d trailed off, and when she’d spoken again, her voice had been stronger. “What about Emily?”
What about Emily? Yeah, what about Emily?
“Emily too! I can only legally marry you, but for all intents and purposes, she’ll be part of the family. As far as I’m concerned, you’re a package deal. You love her, you know I’m fond of her, and she’s an absolute essential part of our sex life. So let’s make it official. We’ll be scandalous and depraved – you, a knockout of a wife, and Em, our live-in mistress. Everyone will judge and talk about us behind our backs but mostly just because they’re jealous.”
I had to stifle a laugh. It wasn’t funny, I was just happy. Happy for her, even as I knew that living that arrangement for the rest of my life would kill me. Even as I knew that I’d say yes right along with her. Because it was everything that she’d ever wanted in all the ways it was everything I’d never wanted at all.
But she hesitated. “I don’t know.”
“Are you worried Em will feel left out? I’ll do everything to make sure she doesn’t. I’ll buy you both rings. She can wear hers on her right hand if she wants or around her neck. And I’ll make sure she’s listed as a primary beneficiary. After you, of course.”
“Can I think about it?”
I choked back the lump in my throat. It was so obvious to me that she’d already made up her mind, but dear, sweet Bryan either didn’t know her well enough or was too optimistic to see the truth.
“Yes. Think about it,” he’d said. “Then when you’re done thinking about it, say yes.”
We’d moved out before a week had passed.
We’d left the cowardly way – packing up our belongings one morning while he was at work, not leaving so much as a note of explanation. “He’d try to stop us if we said good-bye in person,” Amber had said.
“Tell me again why that would be a bad thing.” But she hadn’t even told me why a first time. Just like she hadn’t told me about Bryan’s proposal. And because
I never challenged her decisions, I didn’t push her.
Though we’d been taken care of for the better part of twelve months, we had no money of our own, so we had hawked some of the nicer pieces of jewelry that Bryan had gifted us, including a diamond ring I hadn’t seen until it was on the counter before the loan shark. That baby bought us enough for two months’ rent at a dump of a motel in Hollywood.
I hadn’t said more than two words at a time to her between the pawnshop and the motel registration. Finally, in our room, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “I know he proposed.” I didn’t bother trying to hide how I felt. I’d been angry that she’d walked away so easily from Bryan. Bitter accusation streaked through both my words and my body language.
Amber had furrowed her brow, never bothering to look up from the drawer she was arranging. “He told you?” she asked eventually.
“No. I heard you talking. I could hear every word you said when I was out on the balcony, by the way.”
“Ah.” She’d nodded as if that were the end of the conversation.
“Amber.” I had waited until she looked at me. “Why did you say no?”
She’d sighed, but not so heavily that she’d actually relaxed her guard. “I didn’t say no. I just didn’t say yes either.”
“Why not?” I’d stomped my foot, demanding for her to take me seriously. “Why the hell not? He’s the most decent guy we’ve ever been with. And I think he actually loves you. I mean, besides just for what you do in the bedroom.”
Her expression had tightened. “I know. I think so too.” She’d shut the dresser drawer and pivoted toward me. “He wanted both of us.”
It had been my turn to furrow my brow. “Is that why you left?” I’d been so perplexed by all of it, I hadn’t been able to come up with a theory. Had it really been as simple as not wanting to share?
I’d taken a step toward her. “Amber, we don’t have to be a ménage à trois. If you had wanted him to yourself, all you had to do was tell me.”
She’d smiled. “It’s not that.”
“Then what was it?” I’d been beyond frustrated, desperate to understand her as well as I’d hoped she’d understand me.
“He wasn’t what you wanted.”
Her answer had taken me aback. Amber had always led me through life and I’d always followed. Not once had we ever stopped to talk about what either of us had wanted.
She really had seen me after all. It hadn’t just been in my head.
I’d softened at that confirmation. “Maybe not. But he was offering a good life. Trust me, it wouldn’t be settling.”
She shook her head. “It would have been settling for you.”
“Then I could have left.”
“But that’s just it – you never would.” Now she was the one who’d sounded frustrated. Her words the ones streaked with bitterness.
Immediately she’d attempted to smooth me over. “And I wouldn’t want you to. I love you, Em. One day things might be different, but right now if I have to choose between a boy and you, I’m going to choose you.”
She’d met my eyes, and I saw the truth. Yes, she’d left because of me, but underneath that, I’d seen something else – fear. She’s been afraid to stay, maybe because she hadn’t known how to be happy or maybe because she’d been scared he’d eventually leave her and she’d wanted to be the one to do it first.
The minute she’d realized that I’d seen through her, she’d turned back to her task of unpacking. “It would have been weird without you, anyway,” she’d said, stuffing panties into a drawer. “We already established our relationship as a threesome. Bryan wanted the things you gave him as much as he wanted the things I gave him. It doesn’t work to go from sharing to not sharing.”
I’d leaned my shoulder against the wall and continued to study her. There had been so much that we’d had in common. And so much that we hadn’t. If I’d found the right guy, I’d have stayed through the worst of things. When she’d found the right guy, she’d left while it was still good.
One thing had suddenly seemed quite clear – we couldn’t go on like we had been forever.
I raised my chin and issued the challenge. “Then maybe we shouldn’t share anymore.”
“That’s probably not a bad idea.”
I don’t know what I’d expected her to say, but it hadn’t been that. “No, it’s probably not,” I’d agreed, more hurt than I should have been considering I’d been the one to suggest it.
Hostilely, I’d grabbed a dress from our suitcase and went to the closet to hang it up, determined not to let her see me get emotional.
But there’d been no hangers in the cheap motel room. I’d kicked the door, stubbing my toe so hard that tears pricked my eyes.
Amber had glanced at me over her shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I’d hissed. Then I’d leaned my back against the wall, balled the dress up, and hugged it to my chest. “I didn’t give anything to that relationship, Amber. You wouldn’t have missed me as much as you think you would have.” The words had felt like peanut butter in my mouth. They’d stuck and even when I’d pushed them out, there were still traces of them clinging to my tongue.
Amber had crossed to me then. She’d put a hand on my shoulder and with gentle eyes, she’d said, “He likes having two girls. Without you, he’d eventually want to bring someone else into the bedroom. He can’t come without watching two girls go at it, and I’m not interested in having sex with any woman that isn’t you.”
They were excuses, and we’d both known it. “He wouldn’t need another girl. Or you’d turn on a fem porn and it would be fine.”
She’d shaken her head. “It’s not the same.” Then, with only the slightest bit of a breath beforehand, she’d said the words that had addressed the real issue. “Anyway, you wouldn’t have left so it wouldn’t have been necessary.”
“I would have,” my throat had caught on the lie. “If you had really wanted me to.”
“Whatever,” she’d grinned. “I wouldn’t even begin to know how to get rid of you.”
“Are you kidding me? Getting rid of me is easy – you just have to tell me to go.” It had hurt to be that honest, in parts of me that I couldn’t identify. It was as if I’d given up the key to my demise simply because the person who’d asked for it was someone I’d loved that much. So much that I’d been willing to clue her in on the one way she could destroy me.
I’d had to do it. She’d sacrificed for me. It was only fair I did the same.
At one point in our relationship, she would have refused the gift. She would have pushed my words away and told me that she’d never let me go.
But things had changed with Bryan. She’d seen what could have been possible for both of us. And, likely, she’d begun to grow weary of my needs and the trouble they’d caused.
So instead of denying, she’d embraced it. “I’ll remember that next time.”
Next time came a whole year later, but she did, indeed, remember.
CHAPTER 11
Amber wasn’t in her room when I looked for her the next day. Nor was she downstairs. Reeve also wasn’t around. Despite the amazing breakthrough we’d had the night before, something inside nagged with suspicion and jealousy. Were they together somewhere? And if they were, did that mean anything?
Around noon, the anxiety began to crescendo, and I paced the house like a mother worried about her lost child. I was seriously considering asking Tabor, the bodyguard Reeve had assigned to protect me, to help me search the ranch, but then, on my third trip to the back deck, I spotted her.
She was standing about fifty feet away, by the shed that housed the ATVs and other large ranch equipment. Jenkins circled her feet as she chatted with a trim man in a button-down flannel shirt and jeans. He wore a cowboy hat so I couldn’t make out his face, and, even though his description matched nearly every one of the men on the ranch, I tensed and began searching for clues that would tell me if it was Reeve or not. He was drinking a beer, s
omething I’d never seen Reeve do midday. But Amber was so familiar with him. She grabbed the bottle from his hand and took a swig. With his hands free, the man retrieved something from his back pocket. Cigarettes, I realized. He lit one and handed the pack to Amber as she returned his drink.
Reeve didn’t smoke. It wasn’t him. And, when the man tilted back his head to take his next swig, I got a better glance at his face. I couldn’t be positive, but it looked like he was the cowboy who’d approached me the night before. I tensed remembering how he’d eerily confronted me. I had no real reason not to trust him, but I didn’t. His presence on the ranch felt wrong and his friendliness with Amber made me even more wary.
I was still shielding my eyes from the sun and squinting in their direction when he pointed up at me. Amber’s gaze followed his gesture and, when she saw me, she waved. I smiled tentatively in return. A second later, she left him at the shed and crossed the yard toward the back of the house. Soon, she was climbing the stairs to the deck.
“Hey,” she said, bracing her injured side. “Guess I should have taken those stairs with a little more caution.”
“Are you okay?” There was really nothing for broken ribs except rest, time, and painkillers, and I doubted the small dose of methadone that Jeb gave her was enough to touch it. “Do you want me to help you back to bed?”
“Please, no,” she said dramatically. “I’m so bored in that bed. I can deal with the ache in exchange for freedom.”
Amber had never liked to be cooped up or stifled. When Reeve had forced her to stay at the ranch, she must have gone out of her mind. She was the type of person who needed to spread her wings. In fact, as I studied her now, I noted that her color was better than it had been in days, and the fog that had clouded her eyes was gone. It was surprising how different she looked from the meek woman I’d sat with in the bathroom only one day before.
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