by J. Lynn
I laughed, but the sound also got caught around the knot in my throat. For the tiniest moment, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Even though I knew I could, knew I was breathing right then, my lungs seized up. It was like vise clamps had been secured around my chest and tightened. The tingling spread up my arms as the corners of my vision started to dim. Blood pounded through me as my heart rate kicked into overdrive.
Tanner was talking, but I wasn’t hearing him. There was a roaring in my ears, drowning him out. I tried to side-step him, but stumbled and lost my balance. I bumped into the wall. He reached for me, but I needed to get out of there. I needed to go upstairs. I needed my medication.
The sliding glass door opened, and it sounded like a high-pitched whine to my suddenly sensitive ears. Air wheezed in and out.
“What’s going on in here?” Kyler asked from somewhere in the kitchen, and it sounded like he yelled it, as if his voice boomed like thunder.
“He won’t…let me go…upstairs,” I mumbled, leaning against the wall. “I need…to go…upstairs.”
The room spun as I pushed off the wall, my legs shaking as I reached the step. I thought I heard Syd’s voice, but they now sounded far away, somewhere back in a tunnel. I needed to get upstairs, so I could breathe. I needed to breathe.
A hand landed on my arm, but I kept going. Pure determination drove me up the stairs and toward the bedroom. My purse…it was somewhere in the room with my meds.
“Andrea, what the hell is going on with you?” Tanner was right behind me, his voice coming back in, loud and clear.
Please. Just go away. Please. Just go away. I wasn’t sure if I spoke those words out loud or not. I thought I did. I needed to, because the room, the world, needed to go quiet so that I could make this stop.
I stumbled across the room, toward the dresser, but I didn’t see my purse. Where was it? God, I needed to find it. I was frantic. Had I not brought it with me? Did I leave it somewhere? Panic exploded in my gut like buckshot. It was going to happen. I could feel it building at the base of my neck.
“Leave me alone,” I said, and as I spun around, I saw Tanner standing just inside the room, but I didn’t really see him. “Leave me alone!”
Tanner
I froze, hands at my sides as I stared at Andrea. I had no idea what was happening. I didn’t even know if she knew what was going on. Was she that drunk? Fuck. I wanted to help her, but I didn’t know how.
I stepped toward her and then immediately stopped as she shrieked, “Leave me alone!”
I halted once more. Something was very wrong with Andrea. Her face was flushed, too red. Her eyes were glazed over, maybe from the drinks, but they were darting too fast. Even from where I stood, I could tell her pupils were dilated. My stomach dropped and a horrible, insidious thought crept in. Was she on something?
“What can I do?” I asked. “Tell me what I can do to help you.”
Andrea shook her head and then she doubled over, folding her arms across her waist. Concern overrode any other thought. I moved forward, but a smaller form shot past me, heading straight for her.
It was Sydney.
She rushed to Andrea’s side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Come on, Andrea, take a deep breath. You need to stop and take a deep breath.”
Andrea was trembling so badly that Sydney was shaking. “I need…”
Either Andrea’s legs gave out or Sydney had gotten her to the floor, because they were both huddled there. “What’s happening?” I asked.
Sydney didn’t answer. She was focused on Andrea.
One of her small hands was on the center of Andrea’s back, the other above her chest. “Take a deep, slow breath. That’s all you’ve got to do. Take a breath…”
Never in my life had I ever felt so damn helpless as I stood there, watching them. I was trained to help save people, to rush into burning buildings and use instruments to pry open the mangled wreckage of vehicles. I’d given CPR and stopped gushing wounds, but I never felt more useless than I did then.
“I need…” Andrea gasped out between a broken-sounding sob. “…my meds…”
Her meds?
“I can’t give them to you,” Sydney said, running her hand down Andrea’s back.
Andrea’s cries grew stronger, and I couldn’t stop myself. I moved closer, kneeling down.
“I’m sorry, Andrea. I can’t,” Sydney continued, holding Andrea tight. “You’ve been drinking. I can’t give you those pills. Not when you’ve been drinking.”
“I can’t breathe,” shrieked Andrea.
“I’m going to get you to breathe again, okay? Just listen to me. I’m going to get you to breathe again.” Sydney paused, looking over at me. “You need to leave.”
Fuck that. “Is she okay?”
“She will be,” she replied softly. “But please leave. She’s not going to get better with you in here.”
I didn’t understand that, but as I glanced at Andrea, my heart fucking shattered a bit. She was practically curled into a ball.
“I’ll make sure she’s okay.” Sydney met my gaze. “But please leave. Let me take care of her.”
But I wanted to be the one to take care of her. After all, I had a feeling that I’d caused this—or at least added to whatever the hell was going on. Never did I suspect my ignorant words would have driven her to this, and maybe it was partly due to the alcohol, but I was a part of this.
“She has panic attacks,” Sydney said when I hadn’t moved. “That’s all this is, okay? It’s a panic attack.”
Panic attack? My internal thoughts were a parrot. I had no idea. Never once had Andrea mentioned anything like that or even appeared like she suffered from them. Obviously it was something relatively common if Sydney knew about them and Andrea had meds—meds she couldn’t take because she’d been drinking.
Oh man, I knew what alcohol could do if mixed with certain meds. I didn’t know what kind of meds she was supposed to take in this situation, but what if she had gotten up here and taken them? Good God, it could’ve ended in a tragic disaster.
I found myself nodding as I slowly rose and I wasn’t even aware that I was out in the hall until I spotted Kyler waiting by the steps. I walked past him. “I didn’t know,” I said. “I didn’t know she went through that.”
Kyler said nothing as he followed me downstairs. I didn’t know where I was going, but I needed to keep moving. I hit the kitchen and stopped, running both hands over my head. “Did you know?” I asked when I heard Kyler behind me.
There was a pause. “Syd mentioned it before.”
“Shit.” I dropped my hands. Tension crept across my neck. “And no one thought it would be a good idea to tell me?”
“Why would we? I mean, that’s some personal shit right there.”
I faced him. “Sydney told you.”
“I’m her boyfriend, and it wasn’t like I was going to tell people. And you—not to be ignorant—but you’re just some guy who hangs out with Andrea every once in a while.”
My hands closed into fists. “I’m not some random fucking dude.”
He arched a brow. “You’re not?”
“Fuck no.”
“You’re her friend then?”
“I’d say we fall in the ‘more than just friends’ category,” I responded and turned away. Spying the beer bottle on the counter, I snatched it up and walked over to the sink, emptying the fucker out. “What? You’re not going to ask for details on that statement?”
“I really don’t think this is the time for me to get info out of you,” he replied calmly. “All things considered.”
“Hell.” I threw the empty bottle in the trash and then gripped the edge of the counter. My head dipped. “I’m a dick. A total fucking dick.”
I shouldn’t have said what I did. There was something to be said about being too honest and those words had been too honest. They were also hurtful as fuck. Anger and frustration had gotten the better of me, and that really made me no different than
my father.
Knowing that burned like a mother.
How many times had my father lost his cool and said ignorant shit to my mom? To me? More times than I could count. Sometimes it was the truth. Mom wasn’t perfect either, and neither had I been growing up, but just because something was true didn’t make it right to throw it in someone’s face. And just because what I’d said to Andrea was true didn’t make it okay.
Well, what I’d said was partially true.
I had no idea why she’d been mostly single since I’d known her. Most guys would overlook the drinking. Hell, I could overlook it if I…if I didn’t care about her. And that was the whole thing. I cared about her. A lot.
And I had hurt her.
What I’d said needed to be said, but that hadn’t been the right way to go about it. Clenching the counter, I watched what was left of the foam from the beer bubble its way down the drain. I wasn’t sure an apology was going to be enough.
“It can’t be that bad.”
I’d forgotten that Kyler was even in the room. “Oh, it was.”
“She was drunk and she…she has some issues, Tanner.”
“With anxiety?” I pushed off the counter, ready to defend the whole “issues” statement. “A lot of people have problems with that. It’s not that uncommon.”
He raised his hands. “I’m not saying it’s bad that she does or anything like that, but you’ve got to understand, that probably had some kind of influence on her reaction. You probably weren’t the only cause of what just happened.”
“Maybe,” I muttered. “But man, just trust me on this. I shouldn’t have said what I did. Not the way I said it.”
Kyler stared at me a moment. “Okay. So now I’m going to get all up in your business at the most inopportune time possible.”
I raised my brows.
“It’s obvious that you really care about her. Something went down between you two while we were camping.” He grinned in a way that kind of creeped me out. “This is great.”
I frowned. “I don’t think this is a good thing right at this moment.”
“No. It is. Well, after you apologize for being a general shithead and Andrea…well, when she feels better.” He tilted his head to the side, studying me. “It doesn’t bother you that she has anxiety issues?”
My frowned deepened. “No. Why would it?”
“Some people…well, I’m gonna be real. There are people out there who are assholes and don’t understand something like that. They judge.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “I’m not one of them.”
Kyler nodded and then asked, “What about the drinking?”
And that was the million-dollar question. I wanted to be able to overlook the drinking, because underneath it all, there was a damn-fine woman there. Andrea was smart and she was funny. She was kind and she was beautiful. And she was a damn firecracker in and out of bed, but the drinking…
The girl had a problem, even if she didn’t want to acknowledge it.
I shook my head, unable to answer that…and damn, that was probably answer enough. Maybe for a while I could ignore the drinking, but long-term? Yeah, I couldn’t deal with that. Disappointment rushed me. I felt like something cherished had just been snatched away from me.
“What got her so pissed off at you?”
Part of me didn’t want to talk about it, but guilt was a noxious acid in my stomach. “You were right. Things did change between Andrea and me while you guys were gone—hell, before you guys left. It got heated—in a good way. But when you guys came back, she was so nervous and I…I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I wanted to see how she played things out, but…”
But she hadn’t really acted any different toward me, and so neither had I. Last night, I’d planned on sneaking into her room, but I figured we probably should talk first and I knew talking would’ve been the last thing I would’ve done. So I’d decided to wait until today to talk to her. And then she’d played keep-away all day. If I could go back and change things, I would.
I never ended up elaborating on what I was saying to Kyler. I was done talking about shit and I spent the next couple of hours roaming the house until I finally got tired of waiting for Sydney to reappear. I headed upstairs, past my room. The door to Andrea’s was cracked open, and taking a deep breath, I eased it open.
I was relieved to see that neither of them was still on the floor. Andrea was asleep on her side, facing the door. Curled inward, her face was no longer flushed but her hair appeared damp. Her pale lips were parted.
Sydney sat on the other side of her, leaning against the headboard and legs crossed at the ankles. She glanced up from her phone as I stepped into the room.
“Is she okay?” I whispered, not wanting to disturb Andrea.
Lowering her phone to her lap, Sydney nodded. “She’s out cold.” Her voice was low. “A truck could drive through this house and she’d sleep through it. It’s like that after… after these instances.”
My chest spasmed. “This…this happens a lot?”
She studied me for a moment as uncertainty flickered across her face. “As far as I know, not when she’s been drinking, but it’s happened a couple of times since I’ve known her.”
“She normally uses the meds then?”
Sydney nodded again. “It’s not her fault. Her brain… Well, it’s like a faulty house alarm, you know? Your brain is wired to alert you to danger. Gets the adrenaline going, all of that, but with people who have anxiety attacks, the brain isn’t working correctly. It’s like a house alarm going off when no one is breaking into the house. Sometimes something triggers it—something big. Other times, it can be an issue that would be minor for the rest of us.”
“I didn’t think it was her fault,” I whispered. “I just didn’t know. I had no idea. Andrea seems so…”
“You know, usually the people who smile the most and laugh the loudest are the ones who…suffer the most,” she said quietly as she glanced down at Andrea and sighed wearily. “I knew…I knew the drinking was bad, especially with the anxiety. I’ve talked to her about it, you know? But I never really pushed her on it, and I…I should’ve. I know better. It’s just hard to see everything clearly when it’s someone you care about.”
Damn, that was… All of this was painful to hear. For a moment, I couldn’t move. All I could do was stare at Andrea. The bright red curls were spread out behind her like flames. Her hands were folded under her chin, against her chest. I had no idea how she’d gotten herself in that tiny ball, but she looked much smaller, much younger.
“I messed up,” I said out loud, to no one in particular.
A heartbeat passed and Sydney said, “So did she. So did all of us.”
Chapter 18
Andrea
It was the butt-crack of dawn Saturday morning when I found myself wide awake with a pounding headache and a really vile taste in the back of my throat. Throwing off a quilt I didn’t remember grabbing, I sat up and the room did this really weird funhouse thing. I made it to the bathroom with just seconds to spare, enough time to turn on the shower to drown out the sounds I made when I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet.
Pain shuttled up and down my ribs by the time I finished, and I sat there for a minute, clean water in the basin of the toilet and steam filling the bathroom, replaying messy images from the night before, over and over like I was stuck in some kind of twisted instant replay of random, blurry flashes that didn’t make a lot of sense.
Last night…I’d gotten plastered and not only made a complete idiot out of myself, I’d had an anxiety attack. My cheeks burned as I vaguely remembered Tanner standing in the room, me screaming at him…not being able to breathe.
How in the world would I ever face Tanner again?
I dragged myself to my feet and, after stripping down, I stepped under the warm spray. It was a nice shower—multiple body jets and an overhead rain showerhead. I liked to think the drenching and pounding washed away all the lin
gering alcohol seeping out of my pores.
Brushing my teeth twice, I practically made love to the mouthwash before I pulled on a lightweight maxi dress and quietly sneaked downstairs. It was too early for anyone else to be up and even though I wanted—needed—coffee and its wonderful caffeine, I didn’t want the aroma to turn the house into a Folgers coffee commercial. So I settled for iced tea that I took outside.
Tired and my head thumping dully, I set the tea aside and padded over to the side of the pool. My toes curled as I stared at the water. I felt…detached from last night. Like it hadn’t been me who’d gotten so drunk or had freaked out. Just a movie I watched or something I was a bystander to. But that was how it always felt after an attack, and it had been me.
Lifting my head, I closed my eyes and I tried not to think, but it was a quiet moment. My body tensed, and I wasn’t sure what I was preparing myself for, but every muscle trembled.
When I opened my eyes, nothing had changed.
I walked over to the lounge chair and sat down, tucking my feet under the hem of my dress. Since it was so early, the sticky humidity and the overbearing heat hadn’t rolled in yet. The sky was cloudless, a beautiful blue that…that reminded me of Tanner’s eyes.
Tanner.
My shoulders rose with a deep sigh. Last night had been such a disaster. I hadn’t planned on drinking as much as I had, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know why I’d done it. After what happened between Tanner and me, I’d been a nervous wreck, especially after Kyler and Syd had returned. Besides being thoroughly confused, everything had changed between us. I could no longer be around him and see him just as a friend. Now I was conscious of every little thing I did or said in front of him, and looking back, I knew I had let my head make more of a deal out of his behavior Thursday night than it should have and I had started drinking yesterday so I could relax. That had been the plan, but like Tanner had said, I hadn’t stopped.
I never stopped at one or two drinks, because I didn’t know how.
Closing my eyes, I let myself sink into the cushion as I sipped the tea. A huge part of me wanted to shout at the top of my lungs that I didn’t have a problem. I wasn’t the dreaded A-word. I knew what an alcoholic looked like.