My bedroom wasn’t a place I usually associated with loneliness. Sure, I was the only person who slept there regularly and had been for a while. But with four dogs, it was hard to ever feel truly alone.
But the thought of leaving Jessie’s side so I could trudge up to bed by myself? There was nothing appealing in that.
“You want us to watch something else upstairs?” Jessie suggested, exactly as if she’d read my mind. “You might drop off better in bed than on the couch.”
It felt like there was something unspoken between us. And there probably was. Jessie had been the one to crawl in bed with me after a bad dream, so the comfort thing definitely went both ways. Maybe I should have asked. Or, at least, said something. But how did you even approach that?
“Yeah.” I smiled instead. It was much easier to just agree because I wanted to agree. I offered to help take the dishes back to the kitchen, load everything up in the dishwasher while Jessie got upstairs and changed into her pajamas.
We might as well be in pajamas, I pointed out. If Jessie thought it odd, she definitely didn’t show it. Instead, once she’d checked that I was truly sure I wouldn’t be too tired to do the dishwasher, she hobbled off to go upstairs.
By the time I was done, so was she. We met in my room. “What are you in the mood to watch? It’s probably best if you pick, I might fall asleep ten minutes in.”
Jessie’s brows drew together, in an expression I recognized as the one she always got when she had to make an unexpected decision. Instead of pressuring her to give me an answer at once, I just climbed into bed, handing her the remote so she could flick through Netflix for inspiration.
She hovered on a few dance-related things, but then moved on. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to watch hockey if I wasn’t able to play hockey. Jessie moved on to the ‘TV with a strong female lead’ category, glancing at me.
“Are you sure?” she asked. “I know how you like explosions to distract you.”
She wasn’t wrong, but I honestly couldn’t imagine that I’d be awake for very long. There was always the risk that the strong female lead might be too engaging, but even that seemed unlikely with how every part of my body was screaming for rest.
“I’m sure,” I promised. “Just pick something that looks appealing to you, I trust your taste.” And that much was certainly true. Jessie and I didn’t always share the same interests, but there was a reason why we were best friends.
The sort of friends who, apparently, now cuddled up in bed together to watch TV and maybe, hopefully, sleep together.
So Jessie set up the first episode of some show about a single mom, her body shifting closer to mine as she made herself comfortable on the bed. Like me, she was under the covers, our shoulders bumping and our hands brushing every few minutes.
“Are you sure this is comfortable?” Jessie asked, her voice low. I’d just started to feel my eyelids getting heavy, but I turned to give her a puzzled frown. Over the covers, she tapped the hard plaster cast on her leg. “It doesn’t get in the way?”
Admittedly, I did worry about accidentally kicking Jessie in the cast or something, but in general, it wasn’t that much trouble. It meant finding a more comfortable position, sure.
“No, it doesn’t bother me,” I answered sleepily. “I just try not to kick you,” I admitted, before rolling over to my side with a yawn. With my back to Jessie, it was impossible not to scoot closer until our bodies were pressed together. It felt... comforting, exactly how I had hoped it would.
Still, I didn’t dare to look over my shoulder to see what Jessie thought. She hadn’t pulled back, so that was a positive.
I could feel every place where our bodies touched, my whole awareness narrowed to just the warmth that radiated from Jessie. The scent of her shampoo was becoming more and more familiar, reminding me of those other nights we’d curled up together. It brought me waves of comfort, lulling me into a drowsy kind of trance.
Then Jessie dropped her forehead against my shoulder blade, her breath tickling the back of my neck. It was surprisingly pleasant. I knew it meant that Jessie trusted me, that she didn’t find this weird.
“Go to sleep,” she said softly. “I can feel you thinking.”
“Barely,” I murmured. My brain was already slowly switching off and then one of Jessie’s arms snuck around me, making me into the little spoon. It sent such a wave of comfort through me. Everything felt safe and like it would be okay.
So with that, I let the sounds of whatever the show Jessie had picked to lull me to sleep.
Chapter Fourteen
Jessie
After that, we settled into a routine. While we didn’t share a bed every night, it quickly became something that felt normal, hardly even worth mentioning. I slept better in Felix’s bed than I could remember sleeping even in my own house. Some mornings, it was difficult to drag myself away from the combined warmth of our bodies.
Luckily, Felix tended to wake early. Once he was up and about, his bed lost most of its attraction. I tried to do my physio exercises first thing, often with Felix on the next machine or using the weights, cheering me on.
It wasn’t until Felix’s next set of away games that I realized how much I had adjusted to living with him.
Without him, even four dogs weren’t enough to stop the house from feeling empty. I invited Dana over, feeling almost bad that I hadn’t seen more of her.
“How’s the show going?” I asked. Now that I was more than halfway through my time in plaster, it hurt less to think about dancing. It wouldn’t be long before I was able to move properly myself, even if it would take time to regain my balance and stamina.
Unlike the previous time we’d had this conversation, Dana didn’t look too distressed by my question. Yeah, of course, not being able to dance still sucked, but I had definitely accepted the fact that the winter show this year just wouldn’t be for me. Next year, of course, I hoped things would look different.
But that didn’t mean I wasn’t interested in hearing about the show. Luckily, Dana seemed to realize that. She gave me a smile before nodding.
“It’s going really well,” she told me. While there was a small pang of regret in my chest, it was quite nice to hear about it. “Will you be coming to see it?” Dana asked, almost carefully. “It’d be nice if you were there, you’re part of the family, even with a broken leg.”
Dana was the first person to ask me, but I’d thought a lot about it for myself. “Yeah,” I said slowly. “I think I will.” It would undoubtedly be weird to watch my friends dance a show I should have danced in. But it would be weirder still not to see it after the people I loved had spent so long preparing for it.
“Felix’s mom was going to come up in time for it,” I carried on. “I thought I’d take her.” Of course, she’d made her plans when she’d thought she’d be able to see me perform. But now that wasn’t an option, having someone to keep my mind off any uncomfortable emotions would be much better than going alone. “I’m sure she’ll enjoy it even more if I can fill her in on all the gossip,” I added, keeping my tone light.
Dana laughed, for which I was grateful. She and Matt were definitely part of ‘all the gossip’, but perhaps not in the same way some others might be. Still, she must have known that.
It was confirmed when Dana gave a small shrug, before saying, “I might be the more boring side of that gossip. Things are... okay. With Matt, I mean. We’re... still friends? Um. We had dinner together a couple of times last week which was... I guess, kind of intimate? But maybe I’m reading too much into it.”
After spending more nights than I could count curled up against Felix’s body, the idea that dinner was ‘intimate’ made me snort before I could stop myself. “Sorry, sorry,” I hastened to add, not wanting Dana to think I was being dismissive of her concerns. If anyone could understand what she was going through, it was me. My feelings for Felix had always been… layered. After these last few weeks, I was in even deeper than that!
> “It’s just that I’m living with my best friend,” I explained. “We have dinner all the time, it doesn’t seem intimate anymore.” Of course, things were different between Dana and Matt. They hadn’t grown up together, for one thing. “Intimate how? Did you go over to his house and cook?”
“I did go over to his house, but he cooked,” Dana answered, but before I could ask more about that, she gave me a look. “You know that it’s not the same, right? Matt and I... we have a romantic history. Yeah, we’re trying the whole friends thing and it’s still a bit weird, but we didn’t start as friends.”
Of course, I knew that. I remembered when Dana and Matt had first started dating. What I wasn’t sure of was what her point was. Thankfully - or perhaps not - she seemed to sense it too.
“You and Felix, you’re best friends. How is that the same as Matt and I having dinner together that feels intimate?” She sounded a little annoyed so perhaps Dana had thought I was being a bit dismissive.
I flushed. To me, the situation between Dana and Matt had always felt similar to my own situation with Felix. In my amusement, it had slipped my mind that Dana didn’t know that. Nobody knew. I had briefly told my girlfriends in high school, but even they believed that it was all in the past.
Dana was staring at me, making my skin prickle uncomfortably. What should I say? If I apologized and continued to pretend to feel nothing more for Felix than friendship, Dana would probably leave it alone.
But with my feelings getting stronger and stronger every day, maybe I needed to talk to somebody. Biting my lip, I gave a small shrug.
“It feels similar to me,” I admitted. “It’s hard for you to be just Matt’s friend because of your romantic history. Felix and I don’t have that, but it’s still… not always easy not to think of him that way.”
It took Dana a moment to comprehend what had just been said. The moment she did, I could tell, her eyes widening slightly and a soft ‘oh’ falling from her lips. It made my stomach flip and my cheeks flush but it was out now, I’d told her. I’d told someone.
“Does he... does Felix know?” she asked. And yeah, I supposed that, too, was different with her and Matt. They had dated so there was a good understanding of at least a history of romantic feelings.
It made my stomach clench unexpectedly, thinking about how long I’d been keeping my feelings a secret from my very best friend in the world. But Felix couldn’t know, it would make things too uncomfortable.
“No,” I answered, shaking my head. “He doesn’t feel that way about me, so I just… never told him.” It wouldn’t serve any purpose. “If he found out, he’d probably insist on giving me space to get over him.” Felix was noble like that. He would want what was best for me.
But not having Felix in my life was the worst thing I could imagine!
“Oh, honey,” Dana said, reaching out to give my hand a squeeze. “That sounds... tough.” And yeah, I suppose it was. I’d almost gotten used to it. Almost, until we’d started living together and then sleeping together. The comfort I was sure we both got from that was so nice, yet it was platonic, right? Not that we’d ever discussed it.
I didn’t want to tell Dana that. Even I knew how it must sound if I told her that I was sharing a bed with Felix on most nights because it made us both sleep better. Yet, it was certainly the truth.
Thankfully, she couldn’t read my mind.
“Do you think space would help? Your cast is coming off soon, right? So you’ll be moving out?”
The thought sent a pang deep into my chest. Of course, I was looking forward to the cast coming off. The prospect of being able to walk again, without needing crutches, filled my whole body with more energy than I knew what to do with.
But the thought of moving out was something else entirely. Even knowing it was for the best, I couldn’t pretend it wouldn’t hurt.
“I don’t know if that will help,” I said. “I’ve lived apart from Felix for a lot less time than I’ve lived with him, and the feelings have never gone away completely.”
Dana gave a small ‘ah’. I had to look away, unwilling to see pity in her eyes. It wasn’t ideal. It had never been ideal. There was, of course, a time when my feelings for Felix hadn’t been so bright. But they’d always been there. These couple of months living together had rather cemented that point.
“So... what do you do?” Dana frowned. “I mean, I have been really trying to stop having more than friendly feelings for Matt and it’s... hard. Especially now that I think maybe he thinks it’s hard, too. I want to be daring, take that risk, but...” Dana shrugged. “Is the risk worth it for you?”
That was much easier to answer than Dana’s other questions had been. “No. Not even a little bit. Felix has been my friend since I was ten! I can’t even imagine my life without him.”
My feelings, as painful as they sometimes were, I could manage far better than I could cope with losing my oldest friend. “Besides, I know he doesn’t feel the same.” Though, as I said the words, I wondered if they were still true.
These last few weeks, I had wondered if maybe Felix was looking at me differently. But I couldn’t tell Dana that, not when it might all have been my imagination!
The way Dana frowned made me wonder if she suspected anyway, but it wasn’t what she said. I would have given a sigh of relief, but nothing about this conversation felt all that reliving. Other than maybe being actually able to say some of this to someone. To speak out what I’d been feeling for so long.
“But like you say, you and Felix have been friends for forever. Would he stop being friends with you just because you said you had feelings for him?” Dana wondered. I wasn’t sure I really had an answer.
Of course, I hoped that the answer was ‘no’. But wouldn’t it also just make things awkward and not actually make me get over Felix? I had no idea.
“Not forever,” I said, drawing the word out slowly. Even in my most dire fears, I didn’t really believe that Felix would cut me off forever if he found out the truth about my feelings. “But he might think it was the right thing to do, to ‘give me space’ so that I could get over him.”
I had never advised Dana not to keep seeing Matt - but I felt sure that other people would have done. The sacrifice had never seemed worth it to me. It was far easier to just cope with the disappointment, swallow it down to where it barely bothered me.
“But I don’t want to get over him,” I admitted, my voice a whisper.
And wow, yeah, okay.
Hearing myself say that out loud felt like a lot. It wasn’t something that I had ever really let myself think about. And yet, here I was, sat in Felix’s living room, admitting that there was never a point that I wanted to stop having feelings for him. Felix was my best friend, he was, in so many ways, what I imagined a soulmate felt like.
But he was still only my best friend.
“That sounds a lot like maybe you need to talk to him about it,” Dana commented. “Or talk to someone else about it. Like a specialist, you know. God knows I’m going to be shit at giving any sort of love-life advice,” she joked.
I raised my eyebrows, not even sure what a specialist in loving someone who only saw you as a friend would even be. I knew what I should do - but that wasn’t what I wanted, and I doubted that anyone could convince me to change my mind about that.
But maybe it was worth considering. Especially as the day I would have to move out loomed ever closer.
“Well, I doubt you’d trust me for love-life advice either,” I said, trying to make a joke of it. “But tell me more about you and Matt, I didn’t mean to make it all about me.”
Dana gave me a look that very much told me that she knew I was trying to change the topic. And yeah, I was. My heart was racing at how much I’d said already. It was the most I’d ever said about my feelings for Felix. Maybe it should have made me feel better.
Mostly, it just felt like I’d opened a can of worms I didn’t know how to shut.
“Well,” Dana started. �
��Like I said, we’ve had dinner...” She went on to describe what they’d had. A detail that was unnecessary for the story but made me glad nonetheless. It was easy enough to focus on Dana and what she was saying and put everything else out of my mind.
For now, at least.
It was a lot harder to put out of my mind when Felix came home. My feelings for him weren’t new, but still, I kept second-guessing myself. I’d catch myself smiling at something he said and wonder if I was making it obvious that his smiles had always meant more to me than anyone else’s. Or else my eyes would linger on his hands while he helped me make dinner and I’d suddenly flush right to the roots of my hair.
If Felix noticed anything strange, he didn’t mention it. That, too, nagged at the back of my mind. If Felix found out, if Felix already knew, what would his reaction be? To say nothing, to have it out with me?
Trying to imagine what I would do if the situation was reversed was no good. It was impossible for me to predict what I would do if I didn’t have feelings for Felix because I’d never had a friend as close as him that I didn’t have feelings for.
By the day of my appointment to have my cast off, I felt almost worn out with thinking and worrying. It would be a relief to have at least one fewer thing to concern myself about.
“Come on, come on,” I urged Felix, already dressed and ready and standing by the front door. “The dogs can’t miss you if you won’t leave!” I’d been ready for nearly an hour. And if we left now, we would still arrive too early, but I couldn’t help it. I was so very, very ready to have the cast off!
Felix laughed, shaking his head. “Alright, alright,” he said, pulling away from petting Edgar and reaching for his jacket. “We’re going to spend ages just sitting around the doctor’s office, you know.” And yes, I did know but my cast came off today! It was impossible not to be excited about that.
Friend Locked (Salt Lake Pumas) Page 13