In my head, though, nothing felt particularly normal. It felt…
I had no idea what it felt.
So I let myself get distracted with Mario Kart and just random shit-shooting. It was fine when it wasn’t about me and Jessie. But even hours later, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Vanya had said, about how I was trying to fix something by inserting a dog into it.
Normally, I felt like I might have asked Jessie about it. She was my best friend, my confidante. But this was hardly something that I could bring up with her. Not when it was kind of about her.
That was what led me to call my sister instead. It wasn’t until she answered that I remembered how big our time difference was. Thankfully, it was almost so long it made the calls fine.
14 hours between Salt Lake City and Indonesia meant that it was probably the middle of a working day for Paisley.
“Hey, sis, got some time or are you elbow-deep in some bugs?” I asked jokingly. Well. Kind of. Paisley’s favorite thing was being elbow-deep in some bugs.
She gave such a disappointed sigh that I could feel it all the way across the world. “No, I’m writing a bibliography. It’s approximately the most boring thing in the world, so I have plenty of time for you, brother.”
That was lucky for me, anyway. “What’s up?”
Or maybe not so lucky.
I both did and did not want to talk about what was on my mind. The dramatic sigh that I gave definitely raised Paisley’s interest, because I could hear her stop typing. It was very kind of her to pause her boring activity fully only once she made sure something dramatic might happen.
“It’s about...” I started but then stopped. It was kind of about Jessie, sure, but it was also just about me. “Do you think I buy dogs to fill holes in my life?” I asked, since that was the thing that played on my mind the most right now.
“No.” Paisley’s answer was immediate and I felt a rush of relief sweep over me. “I think you buy dogs because you love dogs.” Yes! Of course, that was why I adopted dogs, because I loved them and wanted to look after them. It had nothing to do with feeling like my life was empty.
I was about to thank Paisley for setting my fears to rest when she carried on. “But that doesn’t mean they can’t also fill holes in your life.”
“Uhh,” I whined. It was just unfair for her to make me think that she was agreeing and then go and turn the tables on me. “But...” I started except there was no good argument I could provide. The fact that it could be both a like of dogs and something more hadn’t actually occurred to me.
I chewed on my lower lip then. “Jessie moved out a few days ago.” There was no doubt in my mind that Paisley would be very able to connect that and the previous thing I’d said.
She snorted into the phone. “And you want to get a dog because the house feels empty.” It wasn’t really a question; there was very little need for me to confirm what Paisley had correctly guessed.
“Do you think about getting a new dog after I leave?” she asked. Paisley had come to visit me once or twice, mostly because she’d wanted to see my new house or to support the Pumas as we got closer and closer to the playoffs.
I did think about her question but it was almost more for pretend than anything. The answer was a pretty easy ‘no’. If anything, the house felt too crowded with Paisley there. Or when my brother came to stay. With Jessie, it hadn’t been like that at all, I’d never felt like a host who had to make sure everything was running smoothly.
“No,” I answered and then chewed on my lower lip. “Living with Jessie has been... different. We... I guess we kind of got close? In a, um, domestic way.” And now that I said it out loud, I realized just how true that was. It had been a kind of intimacy I hadn’t known I could share with someone.
“I have no idea what that means,” Paisley said, the words so brusque they almost felt dismissive, like maybe she didn’t want to know. “You and Jessie have always been close,” she pointed out. “The only way you could get closer is if you started sleeping together.”
My breath hitched and I tried to cover it with a cough, which only seemed to make my reaction more obvious. “Did you?” Paisley asked. “Have you and Jessie finally started fucking?”
“Eww, don’t be fucking gross,” I snapped. But it wasn’t because the idea of having sex with Jessie was gross. In fact, it was very far from it. No, what my opposition was actually against was the way Paisley phrased it. Not to mention that that wasn’t what was going on!
I could hear her tap her fingers against some hard surface and the unspoken ‘well’ lingered before I carried on. “Jessie and I are not having sex,” I told Paisley. “But we... ah. Well. We did share a bed. A few times. Just for sleep! Um. Well, sleep and cuddling.”
There was a definite pause. I could picture the way Paisley would be peering at me if I were in front of her, exactly the same expression on her face as when she poured over books on entomology. “I see.”
Instead of asking what she saw, I pressed my lips together. Whether luckily or unluckily, Paisley didn’t need any prompting from me before she carried on. “Well, then it stands to reason that the house feels empty,” she pointed out. “You’ve got used to all that… domestic bliss. But five dogs aren’t going to feel any more like you’ve got someone living with you than four do.”
“No, it won’t, but isn’t that just to show that I’m not thinking about getting a fifth dog because Jessie’s moved out?” I pointed out. I had no idea why Paisley had chosen to just brush over what I’d told her about Jessie but I wasn’t going to complain. Maybe it was... less significant than it felt.
It wasn’t as if Jessie and I had talked about it. So perhaps I was just reading too much into it. “Anyway, so you think it’s cool for me to get another dog?” Paisley had said nothing against me getting another dog.
She clucked her tongue against her teeth. “I’m saying that I don’t think getting another dog will help, Felix. If the four dogs you already have aren’t filling in for cuddling Jessie, then maybe it isn’t dogs that you need.”
Maybe Paisley had a point. After all, the dogs already slept on my bed now that Jessie wasn’t in it. And yet, I still felt as though I slept less well since she’d moved out.
“Do you think if you had a girlfriend to cuddle, you’d still miss having Jessie around in a domestic way?”
“Yeah, of course,” I answered without thinking or hesitating. That wasn’t like me. Normally, I did take the time to at least consider the question. So maybe there was something in answering so fast. Paisley knew it, too, because I could hear her raise her eyebrow even through the phone.
Giving a small sigh, I scratched my cheek. “I just want her to be here. Living with Jessie was... It was really good. Not just sharing a bed, though that was also nice. But coming home to her after a game. She’d cook food, the house was always warm. The dogs loved having her here. It just... I miss her.”
And I really, really did.
So much so that it practically ached inside of me.
Paisley sighed. “Oh, Felix.” There was obvious sympathy in her tone now, which comforted me more than I might have expected. “I don’t know what to tell you,” she admitted. “If you actually had a crush on Jessie, I’d tell you to either ask her out and see how it goes or try to get over her.”
The very suggestion of getting over Jessie made me frown heavily. “But it seems like you want her to be… I don’t know. A friend that you live with and cuddle and get domestic with, but without wanting her to be your girlfriend. And that doesn’t really seem like a fair thing for you to ask her to be, you know?”
“No,” I agreed, the frown still there. The thing was, it wasn’t that I wanted Jessie to be all those things but not want her to be my girlfriend. Sure, her being my girlfriend wasn’t something I’d thought about... probably since we were teenagers and even then, the feelings had been fleeting. But now, it was so much more.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want Jessie to be m
y girlfriend. I just wanted Jessie to be Jessie. And to be all that with me.
Did that mean that I wanted more from her than what we had now? Yes. I supposed it must.
“Ah, fuck,” I sighed. “This is... I’m going to screw this all up.” Would Jessie even want... whatever. To be my Jessie? She had been pretty quick at moving out, so it didn’t seem like a good sign.
“Are you sure another dog won’t fix this?” I asked my sister but it did feel like probably not.
“Sorry,” Paisley muttered. “But yeah, I’m pretty sure. I mean, another dog won’t hurt, but I don’t think it’ll stop you from having feelings about Jessie and her place in your life.”
I wondered if I really wanted to stop having feelings. That didn’t quite feel like the solution I was seeking.
What I most wanted was to talk to Jessie. She understood me better than anyone else. And she understood our relationship. Or at least, what our relationship used to be.
But talking to Paisley had helped a little. So I let her talk to me about the bug work she hoped to be doing after she’d finished writing her bibliography, trying to let it distract me from thoughts about my own life.
Chapter Sixteen
Jessie
Being back in my own apartment was weird. It shouldn’t have been lonely, not when I lived with people, but none of those people were Felix. I missed the routine of waking up and saying good morning to all the dogs, the way that Felix always looked a little sleepy until the fresh air hit him on his way out to take them for their walk.
My bed felt all wrong, somehow, as if the mattress had developed lumps and dips while I’d been away and my body no longer fit into it. Even my sheets and pillows smelled wrong, the strong scent of lavender keeping me awake when it should have lulled me into sleep.
The doctor and Edwina had urged me to focus on my physio. The sooner I was able to dance, the sooner I could get back into practice. The winter show would still continue without me, but if I worked really hard, maybe I wouldn’t be out for too long.
Concentrating on my exercises helped get me through the days. But in the evenings, when I’d tired myself out in mind and in body, I missed how comfortable I’d felt in Felix’s house.
No matter how out of control my feelings were, I couldn’t let myself lose him. If Felix only wanted to be my friend, I knew I could live with that. I’d lived with it for years, already. But what would he do if I told him the truth?
We were good friends. Surely, Felix wouldn’t want to lose me any more than I wanted to lose him? And if he did tell me we should spend less time together, to make it easier for me, then I’d just tell him that I wasn’t going to let him make that decision for me.
But the risk was still so huge! Losing Felix would be like losing a limb - and I’d had quite enough of that for one year. It made me break out in a cold sweat when I tried to imagine coming right out and putting my feelings into words.
I needed to be more subtle. I tried to think about what Felix liked, what would make his perfect date, but watching hockey together was something we already did. Besides, we’d shared a bed and even cuddled without Felix realizing how I felt! How much less subtle could I get?
Turning to the internet mostly showed me lists of things for people who were already in relationships, but they did come up with one suggestion: cookies! I’d never made cookies for Felix before. Surely that would make him realize that something was different?
Of course, I had to consider his diet. I couldn’t load the cookies up with sugar and fat. Luckily for me, I had Felix's nutritionist’s number! El hooked me up with a recipe that was both tasty and would fit Felix’s macros for the day, as long as he didn’t have too many.
Driving over to his house with a box of specially-baked cookies felt like something out of Pleasantville. Excitement and nerves warred inside me. As hard as I tried not to hope, I couldn’t help but remember how Felix had wrapped his arm around me when we’d cuddled together, how he’d smiled so widely when he’d come home to find me cooking or dishing out take-out.
There had to be something in that. I couldn’t just be imagining things.
“Hey!” I greeted, holding out the box of cookies almost like a shield to keep me from flinging myself at Felix. Part of me wanted to tell him how much I had missed him, how much living on my own sucked in comparison to living with him.
But I didn’t want to give too much away too fast. “I made you cookies. You know, to say - to say thank you for having me, and looking after me, and supporting me and just being really great.” I pressed my lips together to stop myself babbling.
“El sent me the recipe, so you’re allowed to have them!” I added. “Not all in one day. You can have three. I thought three was way better than a recipe you could only have one of.”
Felix laughed and I felt all the tension in my body ease up a little. This was fine! I knew Felix. We’d make this work. Of course, then the dogs dashed over, making me greet each and every one of them before Felix closed the door behind me.
“Well, you obviously didn’t have to, but I do appreciate it,” he told me as we walked through to the kitchen. “Are they cookies that are best had with some tea?” he asked, giving me a grin. “I can provide tea.”
We’d talked on the phone, and we’d gone for a walk with the dogs, but since I’d moved out, I had barely seen Felix at home. He looked so good, so comfortable. A wave of longing washed over me, making me want to lace our fingers together and squeeze before he wrapped his arms around me.
I had to shake the feeling out of my head, trying to remember what he had asked. “Yes, sure, they go great with tea,” I answered. Didn’t all cookies go with tea? “They’re called forgotten kisses.” And I blushed, pushing my hair back behind my ears at the name. It had seemed appropriate. Now I just felt… scared.
“Oh, cool,” Felix said in a way that made my eyes widen. I had expected a bit more of... well, I wasn’t super sure what, but just more. Instead, Felix just put the kettle on, getting some mugs out ready for the tea to be made. “Do all cookies have names?” he asked.
The question surprised me. Not because cookie names were that surprising but because it felt a bit like getting whiplash. I was preparing myself for... something. A reaction. But this wasn’t a reaction, this was just conversation.
“Yeah,” I answered, my mouth almost on autopilot. “Or… maybe most cookies have names? Gingerbread men, snickerdoodles, chocolate chip cookies.” My mind was tilting crazily, trying to adjust to the fact that - apparently - we were having a perfectly normal conversation about cookies!
Leaning forward, I rested some of my weight on Felix’s kitchen counter. Driving was hard work for my leg, and I felt like I needed a break. “I made them for you,” I emphasized. “You know, especially. I even messaged El to ask what kind of cookies you were allowed.”
It wasn’t something I’d ever done before!
“Yeah, I know.” Felix nodded. “They look awesome, I can’t wait to try one! It’s cool that you asked my nutritionist for help, though I could have eaten a normal cookie, too. El’s always telling us how as long as we’re careful of the macros we can eat whatever.”
That was nice and all but it felt a lot like Felix was completely missing the point. But how could I spell it out even more? Apart from outright saying what I was feeling. That, though, carried the risk that he was intentionally misunderstanding me.
Not that I thought that was the case. Felix wasn’t cruel.
“Are you going to have one?” he asked, completely oblivious, as he presented me with a cup of tea.
All the nervous, excited energy seeped out of me, leaving me feeling like a balloon that had been deflated. “Sure.” It was hard to be excited about the cookies when they were just cookies.
Not that Felix seemed to notice. He bit into one, giving an ‘mmm’ of appreciation. It was always nice when Felix liked the food I cooked, but this still felt kind of underwhelming.
“So, have the dogs mis
sed me?” I asked, knowing that they had. Maybe if Felix thought about whether he missed me, it might put him in the right frame of mind to think about us spending more time together.
“Yeah, of course they have!” Felix assured me easily. “The house hasn’t felt the same without you,” he offered. My heart skipped a beat at that. But if I thought he would say more, I was bitterly disappointed. Instead, Felix complimented the cookies again.
It felt a bit weird, sitting here and eating cookies that I’d made as some sort of admission of feelings. Felix clearly didn’t get it and maybe I was too much of a coward to tell him in words.
Almost definitely.
So, instead, we drank tea and talked about the dogs, like this was all normal. Like my heart didn’t utterly ache for so much more.
MAY 18TH, 2014
Buying a house was a big responsibility, and one that neither Felix nor me had ever had before. Not that it was really my responsibility now - not to have the final say, anyway. This was Felix’s house-hunt. My role was just to provide assistance. And, sometimes, motivation.
“Come on,” I urged, hopping out of Felix’s car so that he’d have to follow me. “Maybe it’s really nice inside!” The outside of the house was... fine. It was a perfectly adequate house, in fact. It was just that most of the places we’d seen so far had been extremely nice.
Too nice, in some ways. It was hard to imagine Felix living in such a picture-perfect home. He might clean up when he had visitors, but I knew from our video calls how his jeans and t-shirts ended up strewn over available pieces of furniture.
“It’s big enough for dogs,” I added, glancing down at the real estate listing on my phone. “And there’s a yard.”
Not that Felix had dogs yet, but that was the whole point. After his break up from Erika, all he kept talking about was how he missed her dog. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if he hadn’t only dated Erika because she had a dog. Either way, the decision had been reached that Felix should just get some dogs of his own.
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