by Alan Filewod
Johnny: Hey Babe.
Lola: Hello, Johnny.
Johnny: You busy?
Lola: Not right now …
Johnny: Mind if I … come in?
Lola: No. (He does. Pause. He looks around)
Johnny: Hey babe, you fixed up this place real nice. Real nice and cozy.
Lola: We’ve done our best, (pause) But we can do better.
Johnny: Oh yea?
Lola: Yes. This house can be cleaner still.
Johnny: Huh? Well I guess I’ll take your word for it. (He wanders over to a chaise-longue.) What’s this thing?
Lola: It’s new, we just bought it.
Johnny: It’s neat. I like it.
Lola: Well we think it’s lovely and it’s just the right colour because –
Johnny: Lie down.
Lola: What?
Johnny: I said … lie down.
Lola: But Johnny I want to –
Johnny: (pushing her) You heard me. Look what I bought you. (He takes off a scarf.) What’s this?
Lola: A … scarf?
Johnny: That’s right, baby. (He starts to tie her up.) A … silk scarf.
Lola: What are you doing?
Johnny: What do you think I’m doing –
Lola: Tying me up?
Johnny: You got it baby.
Lola: No, Johnny … don’t, please … I don’t want to play this game – (He slaps her.)
Johnny: Fuck off, bitch.
Lola: Ow … no Johnny …
Johnny: There, it feels nice, doesn’t it? (He has her arms tied.) Nice and soft and (he tugs) gentle.
Lola: (a gentle cry) Ahhh! You’re hurting me –
Johnny: I guess you haven’t quite figured out yet baby, but that’s the idea –
Lola: No Johnny … you mustn’t –
Johnny: (doing her legs) But I am –
Lola: Not now … not tonight –
Johnny: Oh yea baby … tonight’s the night …
Lola: But I don’t understand
Johnny: What don’t you understand –
Lola: Why you’re tying me up –
Johnny: All finished. (Pause) You want to know why and you can’t figure it out?
Lola: Yes, I want to know because –
Johnny: (he pulls out a knife. Music. Room gets darker.) Because of this –
Lola: Oh my God … you’re not going to –
Johnny: Kill you? No … that would be too easy … I’m just going to mark you up a bit. (He draws the knife across her throat.) Like this … (He cuts her slightly.)
Lola: (a gentle intake of breath) Ahhh –
Johnny: Ohhh that’s nice … that’s real – oh shit.
Lola: What is it.
Johnny: I gotta that is … I gotta take a leak. Where’s the can?
Lola: It’s … well the new powder room is in there behind the kitchen we had to put in a powder room downstairs because there was none downstairs you know these old theatres need special renovation –
Johnny: Shut up. That way?
Lola: Yes.
Johnny: I’ll be right back. Don’t you go away. (He laughs at his own joke.) That’s a good one. Don’t go away … (He goes off chuckling. Lola is alone.)
Lola: Now’s the time. This is it. I just have to call Tina. Tina? Tina. (Louder) TINA? Oh no … she told me to knock on the wall. She’s probably in her room with the door shut because she thinks she can hear me knocking on the wall but I can’t knock on the wall because I’m tied up … oh God … he’ll be back any minute … he’s going to kill me … I have to get untied Tina Tina TINAAAAAA … (The dog suddenly appears.) EAT ME EAT ME EAT ME. Come here. EAT ME.
Eat Me: Arf.
Lola: Eat Me. Come here, Eat Me. (He does) Good boy now Eat Me, come here boy. Chew on the scarves … come on Eat Me, please … Eat Me … (The dog starts chewing on the scarves.) good boy … good boy Eat Me … good boy yes – oh Eat Me you are a heroic dog! (She is free. She bangs on the wall three times. Johnny enters.)
Johnny: Sorry I took so long, you know what they say, shake it more than three times and you’re playing with it – Hey, what’s going on –
Tina: (at the top of the stairs) TAKF THAT YOU MISOGYNIST PIG POND SLIME FROM HELL! (She fires at him. He drops the knife and falls.)
Johnny: FUCK … YOU. (He dies.)
Lola: AHHHH. Oh my God Tina you did it … you really did it you my daughter committed murder in my new house. I can’t stand it THERE’S BLOOD ON THE FLOOR! (She picks up the knife and slashes her wrists.) AHHH.
Tina: Mother, what have you done! (She collapses. The door opens and the Police Chief and Minoola Grump come in.)
Police: You’re under arrest. We saw the whole thing.
Minoola: I cut a hole in the hedge for better viewing.
Tina: Arrest for what?
Police: For the murder of Johnny Bad. (Music. Lights dim on tableau of Tina cradling her mother with bleeding wrists. Blackout.)
SCENE TWO
(Lights up on Lola sitting in a wheelchair. Music. Her wrists are bandaged and she is wearing sunglasses and a white turban and a white blanket is over her. At her feet is her faithful companion Eat Me who has a white bow around his neck. Music. Lola pats the dog and sighs. The doorbell rings.)
Lola: Eat Me … could you get that?
Eat Me: Arf arf.
Lola: There’s a good heroic dog. (He opens the door. Reporters file in, played by all the other actors except Tina. Malcolm is of course one of them. They stand around her quite frightened to speak. Eat Me closes the door.)
Malcolm: Excuse us … (Louder) Excuse us … Lola.
Lola: Yes? (She shakes her head) Oh I’m sorry … who is it … I can’t see you properly … the light … and I was just dozing off-
Malcolm: It’s us … the reporters … the little people.
Lola: Oh yes … the little people, yes … I’m so sorry … I was just you see … I get so tired these days. …
Malcolm: We understand. Would you mind if we asked you, just one or two questions, Miss Starr?
Lola: Well … (pause) I suppose … I could manage one or two, yes, but only that.
All: Oh thank you Miss Starr … thank you … we’re so grateful yes thanks for your kindness Miss Starr … thank you –
Malcolm: Well … what we wanted to ask you about was, if you don’t mind … the accident.
All: Yes, the accident … the accident …
Lola: Ah yes, the accident. Hence. These bandages. Yes. Well where do I start. (Music. Lola speaks over it.) AHH.
Well …
It’s a story it’s a story
It’s not long or involved
It’s simple yes quite simple
And uncomplicated too
All: Tell us, tell us, tell us do –
Lola: AHH.
Well…
I was standing in the kitchen
In the kitchen in the kitchen
Cutting up zucchini
When the accident occurred
All: Ahh. Ahh. The accident occurred
Was it a big zucchini?
Was it very big?
Lola: AHH.
Well … (Pause. The music stops; she speaks without music.) My memory failed me for a moment, it wasn’t in the kitchen at all. Do you mind if I start again?
All: No, not at all, Miss Starr.
Lola: It’s a story quite a story
But hard to understand
I almost was near tragedy
But I narrowly escaped
All: Escaped escaped but somehow she escaped
Lola: Yes …
Well …
I was sitting in the bathtub
Peeling peaches as is my wont
When I suddenly dropped my knife
And it hit the water font
All: The font the font it hit the water font
Lola: It hit the water font
And bounced onto the floor
I slipped and cut my wrists
And hit my head upon the door
I couldn’t call an ambulance
I was so incapacitata
So I actually missed completely
This tragedy involving my daughta
All: She actually missed completely
This tragedy involving her daughta
Lola: Oh yes oh yes I’m sorry to say
All: She missed it missed it
It has all gone away
Lola: Due to an unfortunate accident
It’s all gone away!
Malcolm: (speaks, no music) But how do you explain the scarves that were found tied to your bloody wrists and ankles?
Lola: The scares. (Music) the scarves, (pause) I’m sorry. I can’t answer any more questions right now. I’d like to … but I can’t.
All: We understand Lola … we understand. Thank you Miss Starr … thank you …
Lola: It’s nothing … any time … I’d answer more questions if I wasn’t … you know … recovering …
All: We understand, goodbye Miss Starr. Goodbye. (All leave except for Malcolm who hides in the corner.) Thank you. (After they are gone Eat Me closes the door.)
Lola: Ahh … they’re gone. How quiet it is again. Eat Me … Eat Me, it’s just you and me … now I understand why my poor unfortunate Tina bought you … so that I wouldn’t be lonely. I worry so about her … do you suppose she’s happy in prison?
Eat Me: Arf arf.
Lola: I suppose you’re right. It’s where she wanted to go, after all. What do you suppose she meant by always being a tomboy. A tomboy is something you grow out of, isn’t it?
Eat Me: (cryptically) Arf.
Lola: I suppose you’re right … I wonder if she’s happy … (She pulls up something hanging from around Eat Me ’S neck.) What have you got there … on my … a letter from Tina (She pulls it out and reads it. Lights dim on Lola and up on Tina’s face. She is in prison garb.)
Tina: Dear Mom … I am happy. I’ve worked real hard in reform school, and I got a lot of time off for good behaviour, and I’m going to have the career I wanted, as a prison matron. I can help a lot of these women here, Mom, and they all seem to like me a lot, ’cause a lot of them are tomboys too, what I tell them is, that it’s society’s fault that most of us are here. And I know that’s true, but you know Mom, the more I think about it, the more I think that even though Johnny Bad didn’t deserve to live I shouldn’t have killed him. No human being should ever kill another one. Sure … at the time it seemed like self-defence, but now I realize that we were just trapped in our traditional feminine roles, aw Mom, I wish you could break out and realize who you really are. P.S. Don’t forget to feed the dog.
Lola: (speaking to her image as it fades) But who am I? Who am I? Sometimes even I don’t know. Tina … Tina … (The doorbell rings) Oh dear, not more reporters. Eat Me, darling could you be a dear and tell them to go away?
Eat Me: Arf arf! (He runs over to the door. Minoola Grump comes roaring in.)
Minoola: Well, Missy, I just came by to see how you were recuperating from your so-called accident.
Lola: Well, I’m as well as can be expected –
Minoola: As well as can be expected for somebody who slit her own wrists after murdering a man so she could escape the electric chair and put all the blame on her defenceless young daughter who is turning into a diesel dyke in prison I can tell you that –
Lola: Why, what do you mean … what are you talking about … these false hurtful accusations, why are you hurling them against me –
Minoola: And you, Missy, you know why this all happened don’t you it’s because of what you’ve got down there … (She points to Lola’s private parts) If I had my way women like you would be sewed up at birth –
Lola: Oh get out … for God’s sake can’t you leave me alone … stop torturing me …
Minoola: No … I’ll never stop torturing you … for as long as you live in this house. (She gets up on the couch over Lola) I’m your conscience, Miss Starr and I’ll follow you everywhere and deep down inside you know I’m right –
Lola: Oh please … leave me alone … go away I can’t stand it any longer this time I really will do it … end it all –
Minoola: That’s it, kill yourself… you filthy minded slut, I’d love to see you do it but for God’s sake don’t mess it up like you did the last time. (She cackles. Suddenly Malcolm pops out from behind the couch.)
Malcolm: Stop!
Minoola: What?
Malcolm: I said stop. You’re the filthy minded one.
Lola: Oh my … it’s one of the little people –
Malcolm: Yes, Lola. It’s me. You may not remember my name but I’m Malcolm Inklepoop and I may be a little person but my heart is big and full of love. You’re the one with the filthy mind, Miss Grump.
Minoola: I? I?
Malcolm: Yes. To the outside world you may appear pious and virtuous but in fact it is you who are diseased and wrongminded. I have spent the last few months in successful psychotherapy, Miss Grump, and I understand that it is wrong to run away from what is natural inside oneself. Sexual desires are not evil, Miss Grump, and Miss Starr is entitled to the full realizations of her sexual self.
Minoola: I don’t know what you’re talking about but whatever it is it sounds dirty.
Malcolm: Dirty to you, Miss Grump, but holy to me. Now I will have to ask you politely to go and never to darken this door again –
Minoola: All right. But you just wait. I’ll get you someday. I’ll hunt you down Miss Starr … in some alleyway in some sleazy bar … you can’t escape from your conscience. – (She cackles wildly.)
Malcolm: And stop cackling. (He pushes her out the door) God, that woman drives me crazy. (Pause, he looks at Lola.)
Lola: She has a similar effect on me. (Pause. Lola looks at him) Oh Lord I … (She suddenly breaks down) Do you have any Kleenex, Mr Inklepoop?
(He rushes to get some.)
Malcolm: Here, Miss Starr.
Lola: Thank you … I don’t know what came over me. I … I’ve had a rather eventful past month or so … and well … what do you think of my new home?
Malcolm: It’s lovely, Miss Starr.
Lola: I think so. I wish Tina could be here to see it. She was always so fond of pretty things, (pause) No, she wasn’t, (pause) The lies are over, Mr Inkle – what –
Malcolm: Poop.
Lola: Poop. Unfortunate name – I’m tired of lies. The fact is my daughter always hated pretty things. And she’s a … a tomboy … and I’m a … how shall I express it?
Malcolm: A sexual woman with sexual needs?
Lola: Yes. That’s what I am and even though I know he was a piece of rat turd that didn’t deserve to live … I still … miss him.
Malcolm: Johnny?
Lola: Yes … Johnny …
Malcolm: Miss Starr –
Lola: No … hear me out. And I’ve searched and searched for reasons why I loved him. It certainly wasn’t his charm or wit and for a while I thought it was because he had such a large … that is … Johnny was deformed … in a rather attractive way –
Malcolm: I think I understand –
Lola: But now I realize that wasn’t it either and I’ve racked my brain for a reason for the attraction and I’ve actually discovered that I liked it when he hit me around. Not when he actually hurt me … but before that … (Pause) There, I said it. (pause) And that’s what I think I missed.
Malcolm: That’s not so awful, Miss Starr.
Lola: It’s not?
Malcolm: No. But –
Lola: What –
Malcolm: You see, the problem with Johnny was that he really wanted to hurt you. It wasn’t like fun and games.
Lola: Why … that’s what Tina said –
Malcolm: And, well … it seems to me that … Lola, you are a very beautiful woman …
Lola: Some have said that –
Malcolm: And a woman who … knows what she wants and … how to get it and … that is … if
you were to … tell me what to do then I know that I would obey you, because I’d know that we … have feelings for each other, that is … I have feelings for you, and because of those feelings I know, I trust that … you’d never ever really hurt me, and I’d never really hurt you … no matter what kind of fun we were … (Music comes on – similar to that for Johnny Bad.)
Lola: Shut up.
Malcolm: What?
Lola: I said … shut up.
Malcolm: Yes Miss Starr.
Lola: What are you doing?
Malcolm: I’m licking your shoe.
Lola: (slowly) Then lick it … well.
Malcolm: I’m doing my best.
Lola: Good. Now get up.