by K. A Knight
He shakes off my hand. “No means no, Brat. I’m taking you home.”
I turn away, my eyes filling with tears at the shut out. It’s always like this, one step forward, three back, and I don’t know how long I can keep fighting for this. Fighting for something I’m not sure I even want. We’re explosive, oh so beautifully damaged and volatile...all it would take is a match.
I sit in silence, my heart once again in tatters, frozen over by his words and treatment, until we pull up at my house. I unbuckle my seat belt and go to get out, but he reaches over and lays a hand on my arm. I don’t turn to face him, but he squeezes.
“It’s better that you walk away, that you hate me,” he whispers, and then I look up at him, seeing him drowning in ghosts, his face pained, and when I try to open my mouth, he shakes it away, closing back off again, but I watch him this time. Watch him hide such deep, deep pain that I feel myself gasping in agony for him.
“I’ll pick you up tonight to check out that building, eight o’clock sharp.” He nods and then turns to face the front again, dismissing me.
I climb out and lean back in. “See you then, and Keanu?” I wait until he looks at me and then I smirk. “You can’t get rid of me that easily, plus it’s nothing a good hate fuck wouldn’t sort out.”
I shut the door on his astonished, spluttering face, and saunter down my path to the door, not once looking back as I go inside, a satisfied smile curling up at my lips.
What does one wear to investigate a possible building kidnappers are using to stash their women? I stare at my wardrobe and nibble on my lip before deciding to go for all black.
I dress in some black ripped jeans, biker boots, and a black tank top before adding a leather jacket. All afternoon, I’ve been thinking about what Donald said and I realised I need to cut Keanu some slack. We just keep fighting, and although it’s hot, it’s not getting us anywhere.
I care about him, that much is obvious, and we are only going to get closer while working together. It might not work out, but I’m enjoying it so far. Grabbing my phone, I reply to Scarlett’s text and then head downstairs to wait for him. At eight dead on, he’s pulled up outside and waiting. I lock up and slip into the passenger seat.
“Ready?” he asks, once again smiling at me. Fucking hell, this man has more mood swings than a woman.
“Let’s do this. I’m even dressed like a ninja.” I grin, gesturing at my outfit.
“You’re just missing the hat and gloves.” He snorts as he starts the car and heads downtown.
He parks down the road so as not to give our car away and slips out. I follow after him as he grabs two torches and passes one to me, pulling back his wool coat and checking his gun before righting it. Why was that so hot? The way he handled it...the confidence. He slams the boot shut and I jump, brought back from my thoughts.
“Let’s go. You stay close, and if I tell you to get the fuck down or out, you do as you’re told, understand, Brat?” he orders.
“Got it. After you, Nunu.” I grin, making him groan as he strolls across the street and into the shadows to the left-hand side. It looks like an old hotel with a fire escape above us and two chained double doors around the front. Some of the windows are even boarded up. If we go through there, they will notice. Keanu has the same thought, because he leads me down the alley, crouching slightly to keep in the shadows. When we stop at the corner, I stay behind him as he peeks around the side and back to me.
“Back door might be locked, but I can pick it. There are no cameras, so we’re fine,” he whispers, before standing back up and moving around the corner. I trail after him as he leads us to the damaged, blue wood door, and like he guessed, it’s locked. Two bins are behind us, sheltering us in case anyone wanders around, but I press my side to his back as he picks the lock and keep lookout anyway.
I hear the click of the lock and he shines his torch inside before gesturing me through the door. I shadow him, the door shutting with a soft click. I stand up and flick on my own torch and sweep it around.
We are in what looks like a service hallway. The wallpaper is peeling and some bits are covered in damp stains and mould. The floor is cracked tile that crunches under my boots. I follow after Keanu silently as we end up winding around behind what appears to be an old check-in desk. I turn away and shine the torch about, catching on an old chandelier partly hanging from the ceiling, a stained red carpet under our feet, and the once white crown moulding and ceiling that’s now stained and grimy.
The desk is covered in a layer of dust and cobwebs, a partial circular wooden thing with a slotted key rack behind it. To the left and right are big, curved stairways undoubtedly leading up to the rooms. To the right is an open doorway, the sliding door broken and laying to the side. I peek in and spot a dining room, the tables overturned and chairs forgotten.
“Here,” he hisses, and I turn, flashing the light towards him where he’s standing at the desk. I rush to his side and see where he’s pointing. One of the keys is on the top of the desk...with no dust around it.
“Looks recent,” I whisper, and he nods, shining his torch around before unclipping his gun and taking off the safety. He holds that and the torch out in front of him.
“Stay behind me,” he tells me, before heading upstairs. When he steps on one that creaks, he stops and searches the next step with his foot. It’s slow going, but it means we’re almost silent as we make it to the next floor.
The landing splits left and right, both sides filled with rooms. It will take too long to go together one by one, so I tap his shoulder. “You go left, I’ll go right, and I’ll come right back if I hear anything,” I whisper.
He shakes his head at me. “We check that room out first, then, and only then, we might split up,” he mutters, checking the old golden plaque on the wall. He turns left and starts down the corridor. I follow behind him, noticing a few of the doors are open, and he puts his back to the wall before sliding into the doorway and checking them out. We move slowly, our room right at the end of the corridor, the last door, and it’s closed.
He pushes me against the wall to the left and I press my side into it as he turns the doorknob slowly and throws it open. We wait then, barely breathing, to see if anyone is going to jump out or start firing. When nothing happens, he crouches low and slips through the door. I wait there for a couple of minutes, but when I hear nothing, I begin to get worried. So, copying him the best I can, I follow.
“Brat, no,” he hisses, turning and blocking something from me. “Wait outside.”
His legs are open, and through them with the light from our flashlights, I spot a pale dirty arm lying on the carpeted floor of the bedroom. “Move,” I tell him, forgetting to whisper.
“You don’t want to see this, go,” he orders, but I ignore his words and barge past him, freezing when I see the rest of the body.
She is lying face down, her dirty, tangled hair spread around the floor like a halo. Her body is malnourished, pale, and covered in bruises and blood. She’s naked, the bastards didn’t even have the decency to cover her. Blood is pooling around her head, and it’s dried, so she must have been here a while. I crouch down, unable to help myself. I need to know if it’s Alena. I need to know if we’re too late...if I was too late.
God, please don’t be her.
I wrinkle my nose at the smell. I can’t even begin to describe the foul odour, it makes me gag even as I reach out and grab her cold, stiff shoulder. It takes a lot of my strength to turn her and she lands with a thump as I scramble backwards and stare at the open-eyed face of a young girl...not Alena.
Her mouth is parted, her lips cracked and blue. Her eyes locked in constant fear. Her face is bruised and cut up and when she fell some of her head gave in. Jesus Christ. I turn away, gagging for real now, and Keanu rubs my back.
“I’m sorry,” is all he says.
“It’s not her, it’s not Alena.” I manage through a thick throat.
“That’s good, I’ll get her fingerprint
s and ID and alert clean-up so they can bury her and let any family know,” he tells me, as I nod and stand, wrapping my arms around myself, unable to look at her again.
Before now, I wanted to help, but I never really thought about how dangerous it was. It didn’t matter, I just wanted to be useful and yes, be part of his life...but this? Seeing the body like that, thrown away and left to rot like trash? She was a person, a woman like me, and her life was ended on the whim of men. God, it hits home just how serious this is, how fucking evil these people are…
I look to Keanu then, tears in my eyes. He’s typing on his phone, but when he sees my watching he pockets it, his lips twisting into a frown. “I tried to warn you. It’s never easy to see a dead body, never mind one who has been tortured.”
“Tortured?” I echo, my head turning to look again, but I stop myself. I’m already going to have nightmares and see her everywhere. I can’t see her again.
“Her fingernails have been torn off, some of her teeth pulled, and it looks like they had started to smash her bones in before she died from a head wound,” he describes matter-of-factly, his voice cold.
“How can you be so calm!” I scream, knowing I’m taking it out on the wrong person, but I can’t stop myself, it’s finally exploding, all these pent-up emotions. All the anger and fear from losing Gammie, not helping Alena, and our fights. It’s all coming out and raining down on him unchecked. “She’s fucking dead! An innocent woman is dead and left to rot here and you’re calmly listing off what happened to her like you don’t feel anything!” I shriek.
His eyes narrow on me in warning, but I don’t let him speak.
“Are you really such a monster? Such a cold, fucking bastard that it doesn’t bother you? What kind of sick asshole can see this—” I throw my hand in her direction. “And not be fucking repulsed?”
“Nadia,” he warns, stepping closer, but it’s like word vomit.
“God, I knew you were an asshole, it was even charming from time to time, like a prize to fucking win. I thought if I could get through to you, through all this—” I gesture at him. “I’d find a man worth fighting for underneath, understand why I give a shit about you so much. But there isn’t! There is only anger and death.” I’m breathing heavily now, my voice cuts off as I stare him down.
“Are you finished?” he asks, calm. Too calm.
I swallow and lick my lips. “Oh, yeah, I’m finished.” I shake my head and turn away. That’s all he has to say?
“Don’t you fucking walk away from me,” he snaps, and then he turns me, his grip tight on my arm, just on the edge of painful. “You think I don’t care? That I don’t feel anything?” He gets right in my face, but I don’t flinch back, he still doesn’t scare me. “That seeing this doesn’t make me want to kill all of these bastards, make them feel the same pain she felt?”
“I—”
He cuts me off with a glare. “I feel it, every single day. I see scenes like this. I’m the one that finds them. I hunt them down. I’m the one who gets them justice, that has to live with all the horrors in my head from things like this, but it’s worth it, because no one else cares. No one else stops them, so yes, if it makes me cold and angry then boo-fucking-hoo. I’m what I need to be to stop this from happening to people like you, to get the justice the dead can’t seek themselves. I’ve seen more death than you can comprehend, Nadia, and it never gets easier. Every single one is a scar on my fucking soul!” He smashes his hand into his chest then, his eyes wild now, and he’s breathing as heavily as I am.
“I had to watch my own fucking parents die and I couldn’t help them! I promised myself then and there I would never let someone else love me, it only gets them hurt, so yes, I’m an asshole. Yes, I pushed you away, I said shit I didn’t mean, like fucking poison on my tongue every time to save you! To keep you safe! So you never had to see this shit, never had to know just how much fucking darkness and evil exists in this world and the people like me. The cold, angry people like me who stand as a barrier between you and them. I’m scarred and cold so you can be happy, so you can have a life!”
“Keanu,” I whisper.
“You thought I was a prize, something to fucking win, just another notch for you to conquer. The girl who has everything, who looks at life and laughs in its face. You spend your days drinking with your friends. Having fun, planning a future, and you thought I was something for you to add to your stories. You don’t give a shit about me, you don’t want to see the real me. You’re playing—you’re playing at being some kind of fucking spy and hunter, but when it’s over you’ll go back to your real life, and I’ll be the one left behind with the broken heart. Me! You will toss me aside when you realise how fucked up I am and you’ve had your walk on the wild side!” He stops then, panting as he glares at me. “I never wanted you in my life, you were just a pipe dream for me, something to hope for so when this is all said and done, thinking maybe I could find someone to spend my life with, but I was wrong. My life will never not be this, how could it be? As long as there is evil out there, I’ll be also. Yes, I’m mean, I’m a fucking cold, angry asshole, but I wanted you. So fucking badly. I let you in, further than anyone ever got, and prayed that you wouldn’t hurt me with it. That you wouldn’t turn around and decide I’m not someone you want anymore. You ran at the first fucking hurdle and screwed that guy, and now? Here? You’ve seen the truth about what I do, and you’re pushing me away again. So tell me, Nadia, tell me how I’m the bastard here?”
Heart pounding, mouth dry, I stare, right into the abyss of his eyes, and I see the truth. I see how deeply his parents’ death wounded him, made him scared to care...to love. I see a boy who made himself into a strong, smart man so he could save others from having to go through that...and me...the girl. Just a symbol of everything he can never have or want. I pranced into his world and thought it was so easy, thought I could help...but I was wrong. He needs my help, but not like this. Yes, I want to find Alena, but this just got real, he’s showing me his heart on his sleeve...The one so cold and scarred and locked away that it’s barely beating anymore...but he’s wrong. I know I’m a bastard, one seeking to find anything to make me feel, to help me find salvation, and in that cold heart, in his eyes right now, I see the truth.
Keanu isn’t my damnation or my destruction...he’s my salvation...if I will be his.
“Me. I am too. I know that. After Gammie...I fucking spiralled, okay? I couldn’t handle it, it was too raw, it hurt too fucking much, I just wanted to forget and there you were. This perfect fucking man who had it all together. I hated you for that almost as much as I craved you for it. I wanted a quick fuck, a dark fling so I could get all this...this hate and anger at the world out and then walk away like you said, but then this happened. I saw a girl get taken and I realised I could help, that I could have a purpose again, that maybe, just fucking maybe, I could save someone, even if it cost me everything. Along the way, I found you again, and Keanu? I didn’t know what to do, you knocked down every defence, you made me look at myself, you made me think. You cared, you saw too much, and it terrified me, but I still couldn’t walk away,” I whisper, stepping closer then as he moves back. “I saw past the teasing, the jokes, and the suits...past the armour and I wanted it. I wanted that darkness. I wanted it to wrap around me...I didn’t want to not feel with you, but that was wrong and I know that now. You do feel. Fuck, probably more deeply than I even do.” I shake my head, rambling. He’s still stepping back from me as I step forward, my words cutting through all that armour, flaying it away.
“I wanted you, I still want you. I know you will never be the nine to five type, I’m okay with that. This world? What you do? It’s a necessity and it didn’t scare me. What scared me was the person I found deep inside myself. The one willing to do whatever it took, pay whatever price, or receive a stain on my soul to save innocent people and stop those pricks. I was scared of me…” His back hits the wall then, and he holds his hand out to stop me from getting closer, but I push
it away and step forward until we’re touching. “We are broken, both of us. Death wrecked us and life isn’t much better, chipping away at us a piece at a time. You’re scared to love and I’m scared to lose...we are both running, but I’m tired of running, aren’t you? I promise I’ll stop, I’ll stop if you do. I don’t know what’s between us, I don’t even know if we’ll make it out of this alive...but I want to. Whatever time we have left, no matter how short. I want to spend it with you, finding what could be between us.”
He sucks in a breath, searching my eyes, that scared boy still peeking out. Praying I’m not going to dash away his hope, his love.
“When something is broken, you can throw it away and replace it with a new one...or you can spend the time and effort to rebuild it. It won’t be perfect, it will have a mark. But that mark? It makes it unique, it makes it one of a kind. Maybe that’s what we can be together. I’ll guard your scarred heart if you will guard my broken one?”
“Nadia,” he whispers, looking into my eyes. “Don’t—don’t ask me to do this. It will be a death sentence for you.”
“I’m not scared of death.” I smile then. “I’m scared of never finding out what it feels like to be loved by you, so completely and consumingly. To have to walk this world alone, just a ghost passing through but never feeling. Even if it hurts, even if it kills me. It’s better than being numb, it’s better than being alone.”
I’m showing him everything—my heart, my fears, and my hope—and begging him to hold them for me. To protect them like he protects everyone else. This man, he’s worth loving, he’s worth fighting for...and yes, dying for. Dramatic but true. What we found, what we have is so deep, so different, and not everyone finds something like this. Two souls destined to be together, growing together through pain and heartache. The world did the best it could on us, to break us down and kill us, but here? Between us? That has no space, because nothing or no one stops Keanu, the Spider. Once in his web, you’re trapped.