by LeeSha McCoy
“Ugh…” I hate how right she is.”
“Although you cannot merge with Malika yet, you are still one. Maybe you should begin to see her as your conscience, or your intuition, if you’d prefer.”
‘I told you this,’ Malika complains. ‘We spent weeks in Mirada, with you saying you’d listen to me more, and now look. You’ve gotten all back in your head, making all the decisions for us on your own that don’t even make sense.’
“She is right,” Aura agrees. “You are self-sabotaging.”
The ache in my chest tells me she’s right. I am. I’m basically self-harming, I just don’t know why.
“Sometimes, people spend such a long time looking at what other people have, they take on their traits and begin to believe that they need to act the same in order to get the same results. Take Qson for example. He watched his father argue, disrespect, and cheat on his mother his entire childhood, so now, subconsciously, he believes that is the normal way to treat those he loves. However, it is not.”
The hell it ain’t.
“Yes, but in comparison, you have grown up believing that just because werewolves do not exist in the kratius, you are forbidden to care for one. Hence, the battle you find yourself in now.”
‘Tell her, Aura,’ Malika says, agreeing with her whole-heartedly. ‘‘Cause she isn’t listening to me.’
Aura looks up at me and gives me a sympathetic smile. “Your mother struggled the same way when Candessa first began talking to her. She's second guessed herself and her, but you can clearly see how well they work as one. Malika is a part of you, never separate. Yes, you may not have the ability to merge as yet, but you are still one.”
“But she was made more confident than I was—”
“No, you are still not understanding me. Malika is you, as you are her. Your confidence is the same. Only she has learned not to care what you think, just as you must learn not to care what others think of you. Your preferences in love are different to others you know, yes, but can you not see that it is only yourself you are hurting by trying to deny it? No one else truly cares.”
“But I’m a princess of the kratius. They'll think I'm a traitor.”
“Are you?”
I recoil. “Of course I’m not. I love my kind, but…” I also can't stop thinking about Amarey, even though I've only met him once.
“Exactly. In your heart, you know you are not, and as long as you know the truth, why does it matter?”
“I… I don't know.”
“Does your survival depend on them? Does your happiness depend on them?”
I shake my head, feeling as though it’s finally dawning on me. “No, nothing does.”
“Exactly, so you must stop living your life as if other’s opinions matter. They do not.”
I suddenly feel tearful, but when I try to hold the tears back, Aura shakes her head.
“Let them fall. Feel your feelings.”
“I just… As much as I feel I’ve made such massive progress, I also feel like I haven’t, y’know? Once I conquer one thing, something else comes up. It’s like I’m moving three steps forward and two back.”
She hands me a handkerchief, which I use to wipe my face. “Yes, but do you not see? You are still moving forward. Growth is not easy, Karrisee, but it is worth it. I promise you.”
‘You know she’s right. Think about how much better you feel compared to a few months ago.’
That’s true. As hard as it’s been, I could never go back to that.
“No,” Aura agrees. “We do not go back. Remember, no matter how hard it seems, keep your focus and keep moving forward. Let no one stand in the way of what you want. Not even yourself.”
I wipe my eyes again. “Okay.”
She rests a brief hand on my arm. “Good. Have you spoken to your mother regarding your feelings?”
I breathe out a laugh. “You know I haven't.”
“Why not?”
I shrug. “I know she knows I went there, I'm just… scared.”
“Of what?”
I laugh bitterly. “Everything.”
Her eyes swirl, but they settle just as quickly. “Explain.”
I sigh. “Mom always has a way of getting the truth out of me, so I suppose I’ve been avoiding talking to her because I won’t be able to hide how I truly feel.”
“Then practice on me first.”
I give her a look, but she remains stone-faced, so I spill. “Well, as you know, I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want from life, and I feel like Amarey's thrown that into chaos. When I was with him, I forgot about everything, and I mean everything. He mesmerised me. I felt so alive, and as much as I felt a little nervous in his presence, I felt like I was meant to be there, too.”
She smiles.
I roll my eyes. “Don't smile like that.”
“Why not? I'm struggling to understand why that is a problem.”
“Because that's what I always do. I meet a man I like and automatically start putting him first and fantasising about a future with him. I barely even get to know them. I'm trying to break that habit.”
“You are. Can you not see that? The fact you’re even thinking this way is an enormous change for you.”
“I thought I was, but after meeting Amarey, I feel as though I've backtracked. I'm trying to be strong.”
“It does not make you strong to resist love. I am not saying you must love everyone freely and not establish boundaries, but you must always keep your heart open to receive, otherwise, you can miss something that could have been the best thing to ever happen to you. That's where the strength lies.”
“We aren't the same, though. He lives in the world, I live here. He eats animals and other strange things, and I drink blood. Will I be able to drink from him? Will he me? What about children? What about his true mate? I know the story of Ariya and Clantius, and how she suffered after his death. What if I get to know him and fall in love with him, and then his true mate comes along? And—”
“Breathe, Karrisee. Life is a journey, and one you must, must, live in the moment. Worries have no place in anyone's heart. You have now, and right now, you are exactly where you need to be. Only trust that everything will reveal itself at the right time.”
I suddenly feel a rush of calm flood through me, and I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
“You are most welcome.” Her eyes begin to swirl again, and I know she has to go this time. “I do. Go speak to your mother. I am growing tired of her questioning me over when you will.”
I laugh as she disappears, and then I smile to myself because of how much better I feel after getting that all out to her.
‘She’s right about speaking to your mother, but first, we should apologise to Migam.’
‘You’re right.’
I port back to him to help him up. “I'm sorry for taking my frustrations out on you.”
“No, you were right,” he says, dusting himself off. “Let's go again.”
Twenty-Four
Karrisee
I seek mom out in her study in Caro after I get back from Mirada. She's just addressed the inhabitants to advise of a change in the weather. She makes it rain here often in order to enhance the quality of the crops. It never used to rain in Caro. It used to be so dry that many of the fruits had to be imported. Not anymore, though. There are even some places, such as around my castle, that have masses of greenery.
I should really start spending some more time at my castle.
“Finally,” she gushes, patting the chair beside her. “Come on.”
I gingerly go to sit beside her. “I'm sorry.”
“Don't be. Yes, it's upsetting that it's taken you so long to come and tell me about your adventure to the world, but I understand, believe me.”
“It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just haven't known how to deal with it.”
She smiles sadly. “Well, I'm glad your talk with Aura helped.”
“It did, but I'm hoping you
can give me some guidance, too.”
Her eyes alight with excitement. “I’d love to. Why don't you begin by telling me all about it?”
I smile at the memory. “It was incredible, Mom. The world is so intriguing. They have these black things called televisions that show replays of worldly events, and they have animals similar to ours, and their houses…” I shake my head at the image of Amarey’s stunning view at the back of his house. “They’re so amazing.”
“I can still remember the house I saw. I wasn't there for long, but the things I did see and feel…” She suddenly appears miles away before shaking her own head. “But never mind about that. Tell me who you met, and I mean as if I don't know anything.”
“Well, I met a man named Amarey, and he’s a werewolf.”
She smiles knowingly.
“Why have you never mentioned me being curious about them, Mom? I know you've known how I've felt.”
“I have, but as you’ve already been told, your journey is yours. I also knew you'd open up to me eventually.” She tucks my hair behind my ear. “When the time was right.”
I close my eyes briefly. “I always thought something was wrong with me, for liking them, y’know? I don't want to be a traitor to my own kind, but—”
Her eyes widen. “Oh, sweetheart, you never would be. Don't you ever think that. Never ever suppress your wishes because of what others think. You be who you are, no matter what.”
“I think I'm learning that.”
“So, go on, tell me about him.”
My stomach flutters. “Where do I even start. He’s tall, stunningly handsome, and not only is he built larger than dad, but his eyes are gold, and they change colour. They mesmerised me…”
Her vacant expression tells me she's seeing for herself.
“And as much as I was nervous because of my attraction towards him, it was also calming being in his presence. He made me feel so at peace somehow.”
She takes my hand in hers. “Fierce attraction isn't always the aspect we should focus on most when we’re looking to meet a suitor. Of course, we need to feel the sparks, but someone's aura is equally as important.”
Her words make me think about how I’ve felt with other men I’ve been with. How I always looked for butterflies and a pounding heart. Maybe that was a sign they weren’t good for me. “We also had quite a lot in common, too, even though we're from different worlds. He likes to help people, and I got the impression that many already look up to him.”
“That means he has a good character.”
“Yeah…” My thoughts drift to everything I don’t know about him yet and what I can’t wait to find out, and then how he said my name in that accent he carries.
It was so sexy, so…
I had to drink the blood Ella left to stop myself from sinking my teeth into him.
I wanna drink from him so bad…
Mom chuckles. “It sounds like it was intense.”
“It was, in a good way, I'm just scared.”
“Scared? Why?”
“Because of my past habits. I've always felt this intense attraction to guys and tried to change myself to please them. I fear I'll do the same with Amarey if I see him again. That's why I haven't.”
“Sweetheart…” She sighs sadly. “I know how much work you've put in over the past few months to get to know who you are, and even you have noticed the changes, so why are you doubting yourself? You've said yourself that you want to get to know him better, and so you should. Yes, intimacy is important for us, but there are many forms. Sexual, emotional... You must learn to trust yourself. Learn to embrace what not only you, but Malika, thinks. Together, you cannot be led astray from your truth.”
Ugh, I know she’s right, but it will be hard to not want to touch him like that. I saw his body, and… my God.
She laughs. “There is nothing like the form of a natural born warrior. I should know.”
She’s not wrong. “But seriously, I do want to get to know his mind better. I want so much to find out what makes him tick. What his goals are in life, his dreams, his desires…” I frown at those thoughts, because of the way they arouse me.
“And so they should. I say, trust your gut. Aura was right with everything she said. Take your time and follow your intuition, and if it leads to something more, that's okay, and if not, that's okay, too. As long as you remember that your worth or happiness is not dependent on the love of someone else for you, you’ll be just fine.”
‘She's right,’ Malika agrees. ‘So, can we go now?’
I roll my eyes, and mom laughs.
“Think about it, but you know who to call for when you’re ready.”
Twenty-Five
Amarey
The club is heaving, and the tunes are poppin’, but my mood is far from sociable. I could be sitting in here alone with how shitty I feel.
I ain't seen my sister or Karrisee for over a week, and I'm all up in my head about it. I thought things went well, I thought she was disappointed to leave, but man is second guessing everything that happened that day now.
I've tried calling for my sis nuff times, but it's radio silence between us, and Von. I figure it's because something’s up or I'm being taught that I can't rely on them to fix this shit, so I’ve resigned myself to the fact I’m just gonna have to wait this shit out.
There are mates galore in here, though, which makes matters worse. All grinding up on each other and making out. Shit got me hating hard as fuck, ‘cause God knows how long it’s gonna be before I can get my hands on mine. She doesn’t even know who she is to me.
It was so damned hard not to tell her.
“The fuck is up witchu?” Rome asks, leaning into my side. “You look like you've been robbed of your first kill.”
I think about how shitty that would feel. I definitely feel worse. Fuck knows how dad managed all those years without mum. It’s been a week and I already feel like a part of me is missing.
He gives me an expectant look as he steps back, and I sigh.
“Nothing.”
“Try again.” He clocks a little shawty across the room and winks, but he soon looks back at me. “Mingle a little. It will cheer you up.”
I down my Henney. “Ain’t in the mood.”
“Bruv—”
“I'm cool, bruh, shit,” I snap. “I'm just tired of this lame ass clubbin’ shit.”
He recoils. “Have you—”
I glare back at him. “How about you shut the fuck up?”
“Mah—”
I grind my teeth, but a low growl still escapes, and it draws the attention of a shit load of people in here. DJ, Tiny, and Rome also appear, and I roll my eyes. Here we fucking go.
My brother’s eyes find mine. “You good?”
“I'm fucking fine. I don't need to be asked that every fucking minute.” I swipe my jacket off the back of my stool. “I'm over this shit.”
“But, Bruh—”
I snap my head in DJ’s direction. “Don't.”
He steps back. “The fuck I do?”
“Leave him,” Tiny says, pulling him back. “Come.”
I feel my ware roaring up inside me, desperate to escape. It takes all I've got in me to hold it back. “I'm gone.”
The crowd part to let me through to the exit. I must look mean as fuck right now, ‘cause I don’t look like me but they still know to move the fuck out my way. Best believe they don’t wanna test me right now.
I make it to the car park and almost reach my Maserati when I sense Harmony appear.
“Mah?”
I spin at record speed to grab her. “Funny how you show up.”
She jerks her arm away and shifts, then so do I. “She dropped me off.”
“Yeah, I bet she fucking did.” I growl loud as hell, and I ain't ashamed to say how good it feels.
“Give me all you've got,” she growls back, taking a stance. “And I mean, everything.”
“Oh, trust me.” She can get all these claws.
She glares at me wide-eyed, but I keep charging at her. Catching her shoulder, chest, and above her right eye with a right hook this time. She’s shorter than me, but best believe that don’t mean shit. Har beats my ass on the regular, and I always come off worse.
I’m determined not to this time, though.
People from inside the club begin to crowd outside to watch, but neither of us pay them any mind, and they don't get involved. The consensus is that they don’t wanna catch these hands. And they would if they came over here.
The mood I’m in, they could all get it.
The comments about my size and colouring begin to sound, and I hear the whispers asking Dre if I’m Amarey, but he doesn’t confirm it.
He knows better, too.
I jerk back as Harmony lands three blows on my lower stomach in quick succession, but before she can uppercut me, I jump back. That’s her signature combo, and I'm used to that shit now. I've studied her for months, and I was ready for it.
She pants and growls harshly as we begin to circle again, but that’s because for once, she’s coming off worse, and I know for a fact she doesn’t like it.
“That all you got?” she growls lowly. “You little bitch.”
I bare my teeth and step forward, but at the last minute, I kick her thigh perfectly, then as she stumbles back, I grab and pull her to the ground, pinning her beneath me.
She gasps for breath and struggles, but she soon gives up. “About fucking time, Mah. About fucking time!” she growls.
My chest heaves with each breath as I slowly get off her. There's blood all over us, but I don't feel bad for her ass. She's been tearing me apart for months. It's about time she felt a bit of the pain she's been dishing out.
“Mah?”