by Eric Ugland
“State your business, stranger,” she said.
“Just a dude passing along,” I said.
“From?”
“Back east.”
“Heading?”
“West.”
“Your papers?”
“Lost ‘em on the trail. Or the complete lack thereof. Hence why I lost ‘em.”
“What is that you have with you?”
“Life’s belongings.”
“Which entails?”
“Four chests, one giant egg, and the sword of my fathers.” The lies were coming fast and quick, and I almost enjoyed the story I wove.
“Are you here to join her majesty’s army?”
“Hadn’t really crossed my mind.”
“Were you asked to join?”
“By whom?”
“You look like you might have a martial Choice, yet you have not enlisted.”
“I, uh, have spent quite a bit of time in the wilderness.”
“Your clothes indicate otherwise. They are new.”
“Recently visited a town.”
“How recent?”
“Uh, two, or four days ago?”
“There is no town within four days of this point, stranger. Your lies are adding up, and my patience is running out.
“I haven’t always been walking.”
“Then where is your horse?”
“Lost it to a glaumdrang.”
“Oh? Where is your saddle? Why do you not wear riding boots--“
“Lady, are you looking for holes in my story? Do you want me to be some nefarious stranger? Do you think, maybe, I’m just a down-on-his-luck traveler who could maybe use a bit of kindness?”
“You arouse my suspicion, stranger. You approach her majesty’s army with no papers. You are armed, and strange.”
“Who you calling strange? I’m not the one wearing a big fucking feather.”
She bristled at the feather comment. Which, admittedly, was a bit mean.
“You will come to the commandant,” she said to her subordinates, putting her helmet back on her head. “She will decide what to do with you.”
“No, thank you,” I said.
She paused, and looked at me like she couldn’t quite comprehend what I’d just said.
“What did you say?” she asked.
“No, thank you,” I repeated. “I don’t think coming with you is necessary.”
“It is not a choice for you to make, stranger.”
“I think we all can make choices.”
“Yours are spoken for now,” she said, and seated her helmet a little better. “If he resists, feel free to kill him.”
She turned her horse around.
“Just for the record,” I said, “I’ve been exceedingly polite.”
“I will be sure to note your politeness down on the crude tombstone that will be the only mark of your passing from this world,” she said over her shoulder.
“Well fuck,” I replied, really trying hard not to let the rage out of the cage, “you just had to go and be a dick about this.”
“Kill him,” she called out as she got her horse really going. “He has irritated me.”
The spears started to lower.
A quick count put it at twelve to one. Not the best odds.
“Just give me a second, lads,” I said, holding up a hand, “and I’ll be with you.”
As usual, no one in this world seemed ready for the idea of polite conversation prior to a fight, so they all stopped what they were doing long enough for me to untie the ropes holding my make-shift backpack in place. As soon as I had it down, however, one of the Dark Queen’s soldiers had his fucking spear in my fucking face, so I grabbed it and ripped it free from his hand.
I threw the spear hard at the woman riding away.
The man in front of me ducked down, but he wasn’t my target.
I didn’t exactly hit my target. I hit her horse instead. Which I felt bad about. But, then again, maybe this was an asshole of a horse we were talking about. Maybe this horse pranced about, taking other horses’ oats and stepping on toes of any and all who dared come within range of his hooves. Or, you know, I was just telling myself that because I felt bad about killing a horse.
My next move was to whip the throwing axe out of my belt and throw it in a single move. The axe twirled end over end until it smacked into the face of a soldier, bisecting the lad’s gap-toothed smile. Said lad fell out of his saddle.
I had the greenskins’ bane out and knocked three spears out of my way.
Hand out, the axe flew back through the air, smacking into my palm.
I thrust the sword out, having to kill another horse while moving in close to the other light cavalry, making their spears more of a liability. One of the soldiers threw his spear down and was about to pull out a sword when I chopped down on his thigh with the small axe.
Blood shot out in a Kurosawa-esque fountain, barely missing me and making it clear I had not missed his femoral artery.
I ducked back as a spear came forward, cutting right through my shirt. I brought the sword down hard on the haft, and the weak wood gave in, breaking the spear in two. Then I threw the axe toward one soldier, who blocked it with his own spear. I pulled the broken spear out of my shirt and shoved it behind me, catching the not-quite-sneaky-enough bastard who was about to stab me in the back.
Hand out, and the axe shot back toward me. I got it with just enough time to bring it down to yank a spear off target, so it sliced through my skin, but didn’t go deep into my flesh.
Sword in my right hand, axe in my left, I had a second to look at my opponents, who were now looking at me with a bit more respect and fear than a few minutes ago. Considering over half of them were dead, I felt pretty good about things.
“Craddock,” one of the men said, “reinforcements, now.”
A different soldier wheeled his mount away, and was about to ride for the, well, to ride for more cavalry, but then this axe just sunk into the back of his head.
“Can’t bring new people to the party now,” I said, pulling the axe back through the air with a sense of nonchalance. “We’ve got to finish up with the ones here first.”
I took a quick lunge and drove the long greenskins’ bane deep through the abdomen of the speaker, then lifted him up off his horse and jammed him onto the ground.
The remaining soldiers all took off at once.
Four of them.
I got the first of the retreating forms with the axe.
Then it was spear, spear, spear.
Three for three. Mostly. I hit another horse.
“Dammit,” I said, watching the horse crash to the ground.
I stood there for a half second, debating my moves. I felt like I needed to get the fuck out of Dodge before I ended up going up against the whole of the Queen’s army. And yet, I didn’t want to leave things unfinished.
With a quick bit of knot tying, I got the backpack of chests and egg back in place. Then I re-sheathed the sword and put the axe back in my belt. I took two of the spears for good measure, but I left the gold. Though it pained me to leave any goods behind, I needed to do a little work before taking the time to loot.
A quick jog, and I killed the one guy who’s horse I killed.
I took my time to walk over to the officer with her plume.
Her horse had gone down badly, trapping the woman’s leg.
She’d gotten her helmet off, and when my shadow went over her face, she first called out an order.
“Get this horse off me, fools,” she barked.
I knelt down next to her.
“No, thank you,” I said.
Her eyes went wide.
“What— how— who—“
“Not exactly the time for questions,” I said. “Pretty sure the horses will start moseying their way back to that camp, and then, well, someone will want to find out what happened to the thirteen of you.”
“The queen will have your head for this,” she said.
I think she wanted to sound mean. Tough. But the quavering in her voice gave away the fear. And I understood. I’d have been afraid in her shoes too.
“Pretty sure it’s already on her wanted list,” I said. “But I’m happy to give her another excuse to want it.”
“What are you going to do with me?”
“Probably kill you. That’s usually what happens to those who’re a pain in my butt. Which I’m trying to get over, because violence shouldn’t be the first resort, you know. And I’ve been working on self-improvement, but sometimes you assholes just make it so fucking hard to be the good guy. And what would the good response be in a situation like this?”
“I, uh, are you asking me?”
“A little. I don’t exactly trust what you’re going to say. Mainly because you’re pretty biased in this situation, you know. You ordered my death just because I didn’t want to come with you. Seems harsh.”
“I was protecting her majesty’s army--“
“I’m just one random wanderer. That’s an army. You think they needed to be worried about me?”
“You just killed twelve men like it was nothing. I think they should be worried.”
“Maybe. I might be able to take them,” I said, considering how I’d fought such a lopsided battle. This had only gone so well because the soldiers were not ready for up-close fighting. They held on to their spears far too long. “You’re an officer, right?”
“Leftenant,” she said.
“So you know quite a bit about Her Majesty’s army.”
She made no motion, said nothing. But that meant she did.
“I’m quite tempted to bring you with me,” I said.
“I’d die before I ever let you—“
“Hey hey, not like that. I just want some information about your army and your queen. But you know what,” I said, standing up and getting a good grip on the spear.
She shook her head slightly, and I just couldn’t do it.
“You know what, better idea,” I said. “You tell that queen of yours that the, uh, north is coming.” Not the best of threats, I’ll certainly agree to that, but I figured it had the best chance of throwing them off. I didn’t want the Empire to get the blame for my mess.
I stabbed the spear into the ground.
“Might help your buddies find you.”
Then I walked away.
Chapter Twenty-One
Yes, I did go back and loot the bodies before taking a sharp left turn to head toward the mountains. There wasn’t much there, though. Some coinage, a bit of jewelry that might’ve been magical, and, most importantly to me, several sets of basic travel rations. Yeah, I ate most of the travel rations while I walked away, hungry enough that I didn’t notice I’d gobbled up 90% of my available food until I bit my tongue and was forced to take a quick break from shoving dried meats and somewhat moldy bread into my maw.
Whoops.
There certainly was a downside to my regeneration and size — I ate a lot of food. I wondered what might happen if I did something foolish, like had to starve. Was it possible for me to starve? I wasn’t sure. Seemed like it had to be, and yet, what was the relationship between hit points and starvation? It was another one of those questions Nikolai would have told me was a waste of time. That there were those who had the time and inclination to dither about, and then there were the rest of us who had to get to work. Who had to kill monsters and save people. So I shelved that question as well.
Somewhere in the waning hours of the day when the sun was low in the western sky and I’d been hiking basically straight south for a while, I heard an unwelcome noise from behind.
Horns.
Hunting horns. And there was no doubt in my mind at all what they were hunting: Me.
I chanced a glance over my shoulder and saw a horde of mounted soldiers in the distance. there was no way this was going to end well.
I started running.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’m not sure how long I was running. Long enough to get some nasty chafing spots and wish for a Vuldranni equivalent to Gold Bond. The hunters were gaining at an unpleasant rate. Something about horses being faster than Montanas. To make matters worse, a huge creature blotted out the sun for a moment, coming in low.
I slid to a stop, and got my sword out. It wasn’t going to be pretty, but I would go down swinging.
There was an earsplitting shriek, and I closed my eyes involuntarily.
Something grabbed me tight, pinning my arms against my torso. All of a sudden I was off the ground, air whooshing all around me.
I opened my eyes to see the ground rushing by. I wondered if this was a giant-sized version of those birds that picked up snails and dropped them from height to eat them off the streets.
It was definitely a bird though, if the massive golden talon around me was any indication. The bird banked hard, and I got a good view of the sky for a second before we zoomed back down in a steep dive.
The bird stopped at what seemed like the very last second, flared out his ma-hoo-sive wings, and dropped me on the ground before hopping a single step over to land on the ground himself.
I rolled over and looked up.
The bird towered over me. He was looking right at me with his big bird eyes.
His feathers were not yellow — They were a dark brown that seemed slightly at odds with the amber and tawny colors of the plains. His beak was sharp and golden. His eyes were big golden orbs, and there was something familiar behind them.
I stood up, and the bird still towered over me. By a lot. It was like standing next to a crane. The construction kind, not the bird kind.
“Fritz?” I asked.
There was a sharp nod from the bird.
“Well fuck me,” I said. “You look good.”
He shrieked out.
It was deafening, and I closed my eyes as I covered my ears.
“Loud,” I said softly.
He bumped me with his talon, and then pointed down. He’s scratched out a word in the dirt.
Sorry, it said.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I guess you’re still learning your form.”
He nodded at me.
“Impressive form. Make sure to thank Typhon for me.”
You thank.
“Maybe I will.”
He punched me with his claw, and I fell on my butt.
“Okay, I will,” I said, putting my hands up to placate the huge monster. I turned to the sky, where I thought Typhon might be, and I got on my knees. “Thank you, oh mighty god of monsters, for bestowing this most generous of forms upon my monstrous companion.”
Too much, Fritz scratched into the dirt.
“You’re a touchy one.”
What plan.
He didn’t have a question mark at the end of his letters, which were all nearly a foot tall and probably hard for him to write down, but I could tell well enough that he was asking a question.
“If you don’t mind,” I said, “I’d kind of like to get home.”
He nodded his huge head once, then scratched at the dirt.
Good.
“Can we make one little, well, detour?”
I had to draw a little map to get across exactly where I wanted my big buddy to take me, but he seemed to get it. Then, despite the horns in the distance, I took the time to rope up a bit of harness where I could get the four chests and the one egg into a safe position on Fritz’s back. And it was a massive back. I could walk around up there if I felt particularly courageous. Which I didn’t think I was going to. As it was, there was a spot for me to sit, and also a way that I could lay down and still be tied in, just in case Fritz was able to fly through the night. I think it was safe to say that neither one of us knew the full extent of his new capabilities.
We were up in the air right around the time night fell, which suited both of us just fine. Fritz made it clear he could see well enough in the dark, and I wasn’t going to have any problems. He got us up rather high, and then I leaned arou
nd his head so I could see the ground below. We headed north for a few minutes, covering the ground it’d taken me hours to hike in no time whatsoever. And then we were over the army’s encampment, and I got a real sense of the size of Her Majesty’s military.
Big. Huge. Massive. Pick any word to describe things that are large, and it would probably still fall short. There was a veritable moving city down below. And it took barely a minute for me to get a good look at what was going on. They were building a large road. Looking back to the east, I could see the line cutting through the plains as far back as the plains went. And it looked like a serious road. At least, given the construction equipment up front, it seemed like a serious road. There were wagons full of rocks everywhere. Workers laboring away, even in the darkness. And there was a truly behemoth structure on the road itself, something I would have sworn was a building if not for the oversized wheels on either side of it, and the monstrosities hooked up to pull the structure.
I wished I had a camera, because there was definitely more that could be gleaned from someone who was more intelligent regarding armies and logistics and the like. For me, it just looked like an immense civil engineering project, but there had to be a reason so many soldiers were along for the ride. They certainly weren’t doing much building. That seemed to be one difference between the Legions of the Empire and the dark queen’s folk — the Legionnaires were expected to grab shovels and work when they weren’t grabbing spears and fighting.
With a pat on his head, Fritz knew I was done, so he banked and we flew off west. Headed home.
Chapter Twenty-Three
New Fritz was fast. It was probably because he was so big, but a byproduct of that was speed. And stamina. He flew all night long. I didn’t sleep at all, because it was far too interesting to watch the landscape below. We could fly much higher than we did as the frog thing, or even when he was a manticore. I actually had to ask him to drop down a few times because I got so damn cold. There was ice on my fucking beard. The egg, however, seemed fine in its snowbold quasi-blanket.
The plains continued on for a few hours, and then more trees started to dot the landscape. Then more trees, and then in the span of a few miles, the plains were subsumed by a great leafy forest below. Large leafy trees with wide canopies. Totally a guess, but I had the feeling there was something in this forest the Dark Queen wanted, and that’s why she was building a road there.