by Eric Ugland
“I don’t—“ began the chief dwarf, but I stood up and pointed at him and shook my head.
He grimaced, and reached out for the prinky.
Eliza set the little guy on the ground and shooed him toward the dwarf. Let me say, for the record, that nearly everything I’d gone through was worth it to get me to this point. A gruff old dwarf, clad in his well-worn armor, with his long beard and gnarled hands, pick up the bright purple prinky and hold the furry creature out in front of his stout dwarven body. It was the most wonderfully ridiculous thing possible.
“I don’t think we are as set as the Lady believes,” he said. “There are plenty of industrial applications we could use this building for, especially a magical building.”
Tarryn snapped his fingers, and gestured at the prinky.
As did Essie, the geomancer.
The dwarf set the prinky down, and the prinky looked at me.
“You choose,” I said.
“You don’t have the talking prinky!” Nikolai snapped.
“I’m the duke.”
He frowned at me, but I noticed his eyes were smiling a bit. I think he appreciated me standing up for myself, even if it meant I was putting him in his place. And that felt kind of good.
The prinky looked from the geomancer to the warmancer. Back and forth. Clearly he liked the geomancer more, because he darted over to Essie.
She scooped him up and plopped him on her lap.
“Magic is what’s making all of this possible right now,” she said. “And it would be nice to get a little help. Or reprieve.”
“How much have you leveled since coming here?” the head dwarf asked.
“Talking prinky,” barked out Nikolai.
The dwarf grumbled, but I thought he had a pretty decent point. The magic users, mancers, were getting their butts worked off, but that meant they were also leveling up, both in overall level and in the quality of their spells.
“Plus,” I said, continuing my internal monologue externally, “there’s only four magic users here right now. Might do to wait until there’s a few more before—“
“All the brownies use magic,” Mercy said.
“We don’t need books to cast spells,” Bear said, with more than a hint of patronization.
“So, yeah, four of you—“
“But we could make more if we use that building as a means of training Mancers,” Essie said.
Also a good idea.
Tarryn put his finger on his nose and pointed at the geomancer. He agreed with the other mage. Unsurprising.
I gestured, and despite others waiting for him, the prinky came over to me.
“I think we need more research on this,” I said. “Nothing needs to be done with it today. How about, you guys put proposals together, get them to Nikolai, and we will discuss again in a week. Next thing, though, goblins. We had an interesting interaction with them, which is partly why we’re back.”
I explained how things had happened, the ambush, the different attacks, and the discussion I overheard afterward.
“They’re a lot more advanced than I gave them credit for,” I said.
“Do we still need to use the prinky for this?” Nikolai asked.
I nodded, and threw the prinky at him. Gently.
Nikolai muffed the catch and fell out of his chair.
I didn’t laugh.
Much.
He stood up, grabbed the prinky, and sat back down.
“It would seem the goblins are more advanced, and they are continuing to advance. What is your ultimate goal with them?”
“He is probably going to invite them to join—“ Harmut started with a roguish smile, but a glare from Nikolai, and, interestingly, the talking prinky, made him shut up.
“I don’t think we have a choice,” I said. I looked over at Baltu. “Give the prinky to Baltu.”
Nikolai set the guy on the floor, and the fur ball darted across the room and sat on Baltu’s feet.
“The Night Goblins in this valley are worshippers of a dark god,” he said. “They are more violent and bloodthirsty than most goblin tribes I have encountered. Or heard of. I doubt there is any way to coexist with them. The goblins need sacrifices, and they will use the people of Coggeshall as fuel if given the opportunity.”
“So either we go or they do,” I said.
“Do you— ugh,” Nikolai snapped his fingers at the prinky, who dutifully ran back over. “Do you even want to try a diplomatic solution?”
“What exactly might that be?” I asked. “Me standing outside their caves and asking them to come have a chat? See if they’re willing to abandon their home to us? I can’t see that happening.”
“There is also no telling what you might find inside that cave of theirs,” Baltu said.
The prinky looked a little confused, then darted over to Baltu.
“They did summon that worm thing,” I said. “So that’s definitely something they have in their arsenal. And they are working on crossbows. It’s not going well, but that might mean they’ll have ballistas or scorpions soon.”
“You think they’ll siege us?” Nikolai asked, and the prinky ran over to him.
“They can,” Nathalie said, “but what’s the point? They have to know we’re connected to the outside world through the mountain. They can’t starve us out.”
“Cut the river flow?”
Mercy shook her head, “They could, but we’ve got our own underground water supply.”
“I’m more worried about that slime attack,” Nathalie said.
“Were the vargr being ridden?” Nikolai asked.
“No,” I replied.
“See, that worries me.”
The head dwarf nodded. “Rare to see that. Means they are being trained to act on their own.”
“Force multiplier,” Nathalie said.
The poor prinky was sprinting around the room trying to get to everyone who was talking. I waved him over and let him sit on my lap, and I could feel his tiny magical heart thudding as he panted.
“There’s too much we don’t know,” I said. “At least, that’s what I’m hearing from all of you.”
I got nods of agreement in the room.
“Can we get some sort of scouting team to, I don’t know, infiltrate?” I asked.
Nikolai looked over at Nathalie. She shrugged.
“We will investigate that,” Nikolai said.
“We’re definitely getting deeper into their territory,” I said, “so we can expect more run-ins with them. But if they’re focusing on us over there, they might not expecting us to be peek into their backyards.”
There were a few nods, people picking up what I was putting down.
“Which means,” I continued, “that we should probably either be a more tempting target, or a bigger badder target. Make them bring more out to deal with us.”
“You want more troops with you?” Nathalie said.
“I want more everything,” I said. “We need a big push to the end of the valley, and then we’ll have to set up something there for us to build from.”
Harmut nodded. He’d become our chief of construction, and I figured he’d probably be helming the project.
“Lee,” the dwarf said, looking over at the elf, “you want to talk on this?”
Lee nodded. “I did a few flyovers with Fritz, and I got a pretty decent view of the, well, the gap. Not sure if there’s a better term for it. There’s a lake there, right?”
“Yep,” I said.
“How deep?”
“I didn’t really get a good look at it, but I could see the bottom. I’d guess pretty shallow.”
“Okay then,” Lee stood up from his leaning position, “I’m thinking our best bet is putting a fortress in the middle of the lake. Have some walls that go across the lake, slightly open on the bottom to allow water to come through. But the main defense will be the fortress there, not just a wall across.”
“You think?” I asked.
“Just a wall put
s everything too far from here. We’d be hard-pressed to keep the place adequately supplied. You need a legitimate structure there.”
“Seems like a lot, is all.”
“It is a lot, but I think that’s what will be best, all things considered. If we build something that can stand some stress there, more than just a wall.”
“You think that’s a project you can handle, Harmut?”
He immediately looked over to Essie. The geomancer nodded, so he nodded.
“Can do.”
“But how quickly?” Nikolai asked. “Time is certainly of the essence with this.”
“Depends on the stone that is there, but I imagine we could have a building up in, say two weeks.”
“That fast?”
“As I just said, it depends quite a bit on the stone there. The building conditions. Very different if it is five feet of water versus fifty. Is it moving water?”
“Only minimally,” I said. “It almost looks like a delta.”
“Moving water takes more time. You want me to build defensive structures in the water? To slow them down? You want me to build a whole wall across the opening still? Is there going to be goblin interference? Is there something on the other side that’ll be interferin’ with us? Too many questions for me to give you an accurate number, your grace.”
“My one concern with this plan—“ Nikolai started.
“You only have one concern?” the dwarf piped up.
“Do you want the talking prinky to go back into effect?” I asked, giving a glare at everyone around the room. Which was matched by the little purple prinky. Dude was fierce.
Plenty of shaking heads.
“Then no interrupting,” I said. “Especially just for sass. That’s Ragnar’s job.”
“That’s right,” Ragnar said with a nod.
“Back to what I was saying,” Nikolai continued, “my one concern with all this is that it spreads us out quite thin. We still have the road crew out working, right?”
Harmut nodded.
“And moving fast,” he added, with more than a hint of pride in his voice.
“But not done, which makes me wonder if we really want to have three teams working outside the walls at once,” Nikolai said.
“We will not have enough soldiers to protect them all,” Nathalie said.
“Is the road something we want to continue?” Nikolai asked.
“If we don’t,” I replied, “we cede the valley to the Night Goblins.”
“So we take the fight to them? Right now?”
“We’re not ready for that, but I don’t think the answer is sitting inside here and turtling.”
There was a long moment of people looking around at each other, and at me.
“Turtling?” Nikolai asked.
“Pulling our head inside like a turtle. Sitting behind our walls and, I don’t know, growing stronger? Hopefully?”
“Ah. Yes, I doubt that is the answer. But I want to know where your head is at on this.”
“I think we start with finishing the dig,” I said. “Move on to the fortress, then, follow with the road.”
“Which will be in winter.”
“I mean, that’s certainly not ideal. But do you have a better idea?”
“I agree with the dig, I think we focus on that. And best case would be getting the fortress and the road done at the same time. Have you with the road team, balance that out with more soldiers at the fortress.”
“Being that everyone else is busy hiring mercs, should we?” I asked.
“Discussion for later,” Nikolai said. “I think we should leave the duke to rest. He’ll need to head back out in a few hours.”
“Hours?” I asked.
Nikolai shrugged. “We’re fighting the weather. Digging frozen ground will kill any hope of getting any of this done before spring.”
Everyone left, and I laid down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
“Fuck,” I said.
Chapter Fifty-Two
I did get a brief respite, laying down on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. Something acknowledged by the world.
Cool Beans, you’ve learned the skill Staring at the Ceiling. Look up purposelessly with purpose! Do nothing with style! Count termites! The world is… probably full of better things to do. Oh well!
Fan-fucking-tastic. I was really racking up those impressive and useful skills.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been in my pseudo-meditative state, but while I was laying there, someone knocked on my door. I got up, still clad in just a towel, and saw an older dwarf standing there. He was stout, as was their nature, but he was shorter than the others. I wasn’t sure if it was the ravages of time or just something he’d been born with. He was pretty old, with the most magnificent beard I’d ever seen, a complete and pure white.
He looked up at me with kind eyes nearly hidden under bushy eyebrows.
“I been told you have a mild issue,” he said, with just the hint of a lisp.
“That’s a bit weird,” I replied. “You’d think I’d know if I had an issue.”
“So this hairless look is something you are happy with?”
“Ah, yeah, that issue.”
“If you would like, your grace, I can be of assistance.”
“How?”
“Have you ever seen a dwarf without a beard?”
“Just some of the ladies.”
“And yet we work with fire on the regular. Odd, eh?”
He pushed by me and walked into my chambers. I noticed he had a heavy leather valise tucked under one arm. He looked around the room, muttering under his breath, very clearly making harsh judgements on the quality of the construction for the ‘best’ rooms in the hold. Then, he saw the bathroom, and made a beeline there.
I followed.
“Get a chair,” he said, “you’re too tall.”
“Sorry,” I replied.
“Hrmph,” was all I got in response.
By the time I was back with a chair, he’d opened up his valise and gotten his goods spread out in front of him. It was a wide array of barber type things, scissors, straight razors, combs and brushes galore. There were also more than a few pots and bottles of cremes and tonics.
“Sit,” he said.
I did.
“Mind if I ask your name?” I asked.
“Hrmph,” he grunted while reading over the label on a bottle, something that looked handwritten. “Iagan MacIlleSheathain.”
“Okay, well,” I said, not even wanting to try butchering his name with my attempt at pronunciation—
“And I know who you are, so we can be done with the talkin’ while I’m in the midst of doing the thinking.”
“Certainly.”
He went through all the various jars, carefully reading over them, looking for something in particular. When he found something he liked, he set it to the side, and then continued on.
“Thing is,” he said, almost to himself, certainly not talking to me, “never worked on one like this before.”
“Like what?”
He eyed me, then frowned a little. “Quiet, you.”
I went quiet.
He returned to his bottles.
I decided the best thing I could do was just lean back and close my eyes. Take another moment of rest when it was offered.
The next thing I knew, I felt something cold being slathered all over my cheeks, my chin, and my lips. It tingled.
“Oh, that’s new,” Iagan said.
“Prob—“
“Quiet, you.”
I had no choice, I had to trust the man. Or dwarf.
Some scraping, more creme, a splash of something liquid.
A grunt from Iagan.
Then my face was rocked by a fantastic slap, and a huge amount of shockingly cold water was poured over me.
I gasped, and opened my eyes.
Iagan was staring at my face.
I reached up to touch my face. Because, you know, it was my face. But he
smacked my hand away before I could touch anything.
“Wait, you,” he said.
I waited. What choice did I have?
He nodded, so I assumed whatever he was seeing he liked. Then he grabbed a bottle and held it ready to pour on me, but hesitated.
A moment.
Two moments.
“Now,” he whispered, and he dashed the bottle at my face.
I didn’t feel anything.
He gave my face another smack, but it sounded different. It wasn’t skin on skin, it was skin on beard hair.
While I was being amazed, he’d filled a bucket with water, and he splashed it all over my face again.
“Done,” he said, and started packing his things back into his valise.
“Done?” I asked. “What, I mean, what happened?”
He sighed, pulled a mirror from the valise, and held it up to me.
I smiled. Once again, I had a magnificent beard. Actually, this one was even more magnificent than my original: long, smooth, blonde, and practically perfect in every way. And my eyebrows and lashes were back too. However, I was still bald as can be.
“Any chance you can do something up top?” I asked.
“I do beards,” Iagan said.
“You did my eyebrows,” I said.
“Facial hair.”
“Ah. So no hair on top of the head?”
“No.”
He snapped his valise shut.
“Your grace,” he said, with a slight nod. Then he walked out of the bathroom. A second later, I heard the bedroom door shut.
I felt a little better. Having eyebrows again was pretty boss. It made me look human once again, even if I wasn’t actually.
There was a pounding on my door, followed by the slight creak of it being opened.
“Time to go,” Ragnar called out.
I sighed.
Chapter Fifty-Three
A much larger group left for the road digging project this time. In addition to everyone who’d come originally, I brought the minotaurs along, plus a hundred and twenty kobolds who’d volunteered to be in our military. And much to his supreme irritation, I brought Carpophorus the Thingman who’d been my weapons instructor. He was going to turn those hundred and twenty kobolds into a legitimate fighting force. It was my own little form of punishment to make up for him being so deliriously happy beating me into a pulp over and over again.