Any Day with You

by Mae Respicio

  “Tatang, what were you and Harold talking about earlier?”

  “Summer plans. I have some good news.”

  “What?” I ask.

  “Let’s get back to the house first. I’m saving it for Share Bears,” he says, not looking my way.

  “Oh, come on, tell me!” I say, but he shakes his head, smiling. Once Tatang makes up his mind about something, he doesn’t budge, so I leave it alone. We rest our elbows out the windows and enjoy the breeze.

  When we get home for dinner, Uncle Roy’s at the kitchen island pulling cartons of Chinese food and fortune cookies from a large paper bag. Each week we try to have one meal with all of us here, even if it’s only takeout.

  I help my uncle set the patio table in the backyard. Soon we’re joined by Mom, Dad, and Tatang, who helps Toby into his booster chair. We sit and pass the cartons in a circle, helping ourselves.

  “Okay, gang…Share Bears!” Mom sings out.

  When Lainey got so busy during senior year, Mom made up this icebreaker where we have to go around and say one thing about our week—good, bad, anything.

  I drum my chopsticks on the table. For once I have something exciting to tell them.

  “I’ll go first,” says Uncle Roy. “I learned how to make caul fat taste good.”

  We all stare back: What are you talking about?

  “It’s this thin membrane that surrounds internal animal organs that can be used for baking. Trust me, it’s much better than it sounds.” I give Uncle my “eww” face and he cracks up. “Next!”

  Dad says, “Today’s lunch special at the studio was fried crickets.”

  “For that new bug attack movie coming out?” I ask, and he nods.

  “What do they taste like?” Mom asks.

  “Crunchy…with a kick!”

  “And good for protein,” I add.

  Whenever Dad’s work releases a new movie, the studio cafeteria serves themed meals. That sounds way more like fun than work.

  “Joy? How about you?” Dad asks.

  Mom sits tall in her chair. “I came up with a great idea for my Asian immigration class this quarter. I’d like you to come speak to my students, Tatang. What do you think?”

  “I would be honored, anak,” he says, without a smile. Seems strange. Normally he’d be so excited at the chance to teach.

  “You feeling all right?” Mom asks.

  Tatang nods. “How about you, Little T? What are you sharing with us?”

  “I like to eat bugs and boogers,” Toby squeaks out, and Uncle Roy and I clap.

  “You want to go next, Tatang?” I ask.

  “After you, my dear. I’m saving mine for the grand finale.”

  I rub my hands together. “We’re doing something amazing at camp!” The details spill out of me. Everyone seems excited, but Tatang’s staring at his plate.

  “Last but not least,” I tell him.

  Tatang puts down his chopsticks and wipes his mouth. “I have some good news, family. After I make my trip to see Elena and her friends, I won’t return to California. I’ll be staying in the Philippines.”

  “For how long?” Mom asks.

  “Why, for the remainder of my days, my dear Joy. It’s the retirement I should have planned much sooner. I’m moving back home.”

  “What are you talking about, Tatang?” Uncle Roy says.

  “A permanent move, Roy. We’ve discussed this before.”

  Mom shakes her head. “Tatang, I don’t understand. Who’s going to take care of you all the way in the Philippines?”

  “It’s the perfect time for me.” He looks around the table. “I’m not getting any younger, and when the day comes that I do need more help, I won’t be a burden. I have enough money to retire well in my home country.”

  “You’re not a burden to us,” Dad says.

  “Let’s give him a chance to explain,” Uncle Roy says. “He’s thought this through.”

  “Of course I have—for the last twenty years. I want to die in my homeland.”

  “Tatang!” Mom says.

  “Oh Lord,” Uncle Roy says.

  Mom stares at Tatang and tears begin to well in her eyes.

  “You’re…leaving us?” I say.

  “It makes sense at this stage in my life. I still have my house back home, and I’ll have our friends and family there.”

  “But we’re your family!” I shout.

  My hands shake. I can’t believe what he’s saying.

  He looks at Mom and Uncle Roy. “Children, we’ve talked about this before and you’ve never changed my mind. I’ll make my move in late August. Elena will be able to travel back with her program instead of with me.”

  “August? You can’t be serious. That’s not even two months away!” Mom says.

  She and Uncle Roy begin to argue. Toby shouts that he has to go to the bathroom. Uncle Roy tells Mom, “It’s not your decision.” Dad says, “Joy, listen…”

  Tatang looks on calmly.

  My head fills with questions. “What about my list of stuff for us to do?” I ask. “And what about the eclipse? And—”

  He pats my hand and smiles. “We’ll still have plenty of quality time before I go. I won’t be leaving until after the eclipse, so we won’t miss it.”

  How can he seem so relaxed and sound like everything’s okay?

  This can’t be happening. Lainey will know what to do.

  I jump up, run to my bedroom, and slam the door.

  Where’s my phone?

  My room’s a mess. I dig under sketchbooks and makeup photos and piles of clothes and finally find it.

  I dial Lainey’s number, but it only rings and rings.

  My big sister’s taught me loads of things:

  • Sit at whatever table you want because cliques are dumb.

  • You might wish you had blond hair, but one day you won’t.

  • Make friends in real life, not through your phone.

  • If you’re scared of doing something, it makes sense to try it once.

  • When your legs start getting hairy, don’t use Dad’s razors, because they nick.

  • Mean kids are always the most insecure.

  • Sometimes things get hard—but they won’t always be that way.

  Lainey’s the one I go to most for questions about friends and school because she always knows what to say and do. Right now I need her advice more than anything—she’d hate this too. She has to hear what’s going on so we can figure this out. Tatang’s stubborn, but he listens to my sister. We can convince him to change his mind.

  I keep trying and trying Lainey’s number, but still no answer. This is the worst.

  I throw the phone at a pillow and wipe tears from my face. I never thought Tatang would move back to the Philippines, even though other lolos do that. Maybe I haven’t done enough for him to stay.

  There’s a knock at my door.

  “May I come in?” Tatang asks. I run to open it and throw my arms around him. “Tatang, you can’t go!”

  “It’s okay, anak….” He leads me back to the bed. “Come, sit with me, my Kaia. I have something for you,” he says, patting the mattress. How can he look so calm?

  I rest my head on his shoulder and sniffle as he hands me a book. One of his journals. I’ve seen him jotting in different journals my whole life but I’ve never asked what he writes about. This one’s bound in brown leather, worn and thinning at the edges, the cover soft under my touch.

  I’m not sure what to do with it.

  “Aren’t you going to take a look?” he asks.

  A black ribbon holds a page; I peek inside.

  SUMMER TO-DO

  Visit Hawaii…don’t forget the souvenirs!

  Learn to fly

  Ride Pier
Pressure

  Sunset strolls

  Solar eclipse with Kaia

  Final arrangements

  Pack

  I have a horrible thought: Is this one of those lists people make when they’re about to die?

  “Tatang…are you okay? Are you healthy right now? Is that why you’re leaving us?”

  “Oh, anak, I didn’t show you this to scare you. Please, don’t let bad notions fill your head. I’m well and healthy.”

  I let out a huge breath. “I thought this was a bucket list!”

  He chuckles. “No, these are simply things I want to accomplish before going home.”

  “Why are you giving this to me?”

  “I’ll be giving you and Toby and Lainey all of my journals one day—there’s some juicy stuff in there. I was thinking about your list in the kitchen, and I’m giving you this because I want you to see that we’ll be spending a lot of time together before I go. I’ll be back to visit, of course. But right now, you can help me focus on a proper send-off. You’re my best adventure buddy, remember?”

  I glance at his list again. Sunset strolls. What Harold said at Ocean Gardens makes sense now. We’ll do plenty of walking before you go, Celestino.

  I look him in the eyes, but I’ve lost all my words.

  Tatang pulls me close and for a long moment we sit in silence. He’s the only person I can do this with where it doesn’t feel weird.

  “Why would you want to leave me?” I finally say.

  “Oh, Kaia.” He looks at me, then rises. “It’s almost the golden hour. Go get your jacket, let’s take a walk.”

  That’s his answer to everything, but not mine. It’ll only remind me he’s trying to fit everything in.

  “No, thanks.”

  “Come. I need a good sunset partner.”

  * * *

  It’s that hazy time between day and night. We head toward the ocean the way we’ve done a gazillion times, almost every day of my life, only this time I’m speeding ahead of Tatang instead of walking side by side. My heart’s thumping fast.

  I want to get this over with, but he says, “Please, let’s not rush. Let’s watch and listen.”

  As upset as I am, I know better than to argue when he gets this way.

  I let him catch up to me and we walk through our busy neighborhood. Every time Tatang’s gaze meets a stranger’s he says things like:

  Good afternoon!

  Nice day!

  Enjoy this beautiful weather!

  Sometimes people scowl back—they’re the ones who hate unicorns and dessert. But I get it, because I’m scowling too. This mucky cloud in my head doesn’t feel good.

  I try to slow my breath.

  Tatang likes to say that if you look people directly in the eye, even for the briefest second, they can sense it—a connection.

  Right now I’m not feeling very connected to him.

  We pass a youngish guy wearing headphones and jeans torn at the knees. Tatang says hello but the guy sneers back. Tatang responds with his widest smile. The guy looks confused, but the corners of his mouth lift slightly.

  As soon as he’s out of sight Tatang says, “It worked!”

  All right, so it did. We keep walking and I start to calm down. Tatang’s superpower is making everyone feel their best.

  “Let’s play the noticing game,” Tatang says. That’s his thing. We have to point out details we might normally not pay attention to. It’s not so easy.

  We take turns calling out:

  Newly chewed pink gum spit out on the sidewalk.

  A breeze that makes the hair on my arms stand up.

  Waves crashing less than a mile away.

  The more I notice what’s in front of me, the more his awful news begins to fade, and by the time we reach the pier my mind doesn’t feel so cluttered. Thank goodness.

  I hook my arm with Tatang’s and we follow the flow of the crowd, like getting pulled into a tide.

  “Let’s go down to the beach,” he suggests. “I need to make a quick pit stop at the bathroom first. Don’t go anywhere where I can’t see you, okay? Wait for me here at the railing.”

  He elbows his way into the restroom.

  A few feet away I spot Psychic Cat and walk up to the table. The woman smiles without looking at me.

  She shuffles her deck. “I knew you would return.”

  “Ma’am, may I please try once more?”

  “Once more at what?”

  “The cards. I didn’t get to tell you about the thing I want most in life. My heart’s desire—you know—all that stuff.”

  This time we make eye contact: a connection. She’s going to help me figure this out.

  “This is not something I do for all passersby, but go ahead. Try again.”

  I know exactly what my heart needs, for sure, one thousand percent. The woman plunks down the card stack and I close my eyes.

  “I want my great-grandfather to stay with us forever,” I say quietly.

  She studies me. “Interesting.”

  Frederick opens his eyes and I pet him on the soft spot between his ears.

  She reaches into the deck, pulls out a lone card, and sets it faceup.

  “Ah, the star. A lucky selection.”

  There’s an illustration of a woman kneeling near water with a cloud of light above her head. It reminds me of a Tatang story about Tala, Filipina goddess of the stars. Once during an evening walk when I was much younger, I got scared in the dark, but he pointed to the sky and said, “Tala’s using her light to bring us safely home.”

  “What does it mean?” I ask the woman.

  “Cosmic protection. From this point on even your most challenging moments will have meaning and purpose.”

  “What’s it protecting me from?” I ask, but she doesn’t answer. “Please, could you pull another card and tell me if my great-grandpa will decide to stay?”

  I have so many questions, but the woman calls out: “Psychic Cat! Come and see! Solves all your worries! Ten dollars for one reading!”

  People gather and she looks the other way.

  Shoot. Who’s going to help me now?

  * * *

  I lean against a railing and scan the sea of people. The pier’s packed with surfers and tourists taking pictures; wild screams come from the roller coaster looping above.

  After a few minutes Tatang pops up beside me.

  He takes my hand. “Sunset time.”

  We go down to the sand, slip off our shoes, and let our feet sink in.

  Not far from the waves we find a spot and sit, watching the water rise tall and rocky before it breaks and rolls smoothly onto shore. I can never count on the ocean to look the same, even though it repeats itself over and over. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been into surfing, even though Dad’s always trying to get me out on a board with him.

  “You feeling better now that we’ve gotten some oxygen to our brains, anak?”

  He just gave me the worst news—how does he think I feel?

  “What will you do in the Philippines without us, Tatang? And what about me? Does that mean you won’t be here for my birthday or for eighth grade promotion next year? I know I won’t get valedictorian, but don’t you want to at least be here long enough to celebrate? And what about—”

  “Kaia.” His voice is gentle.

  “—what about Toby? Don’t you want to see him get bigger? He already grows like five inches every day, and what happens if—”

  “Kaia!” he says with a force I rarely hear.

  I stop. My heart’s racing.

  “Where are your feet?” he asks.

  My heart’s still pounding.

  “Where are your feet, Kaia?”

  It’s the question he likes to ask when I get too stuck on thi
ngs brewing inside. Tatang’s all about the moment. Where are your feet? tells me how to stay in what’s real, what’s here, now. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

  My eyes water and blur the view.

  If Tatang leaves me he’ll never return. It’s fifteen hours in the air to Manila, another flight to his province, hours of bumpy driving down dirt roads to his village by the sea where I’m related to everyone and they all know my name even though we’ve never met. He has so many memories there and he talks about them all the time—why would he ever come back?

  When I don’t answer he asks, “My dear, where are your feet?”

  I look down, toes dug into sand, still warm from the day’s heat.

  “I’m right here. On the beach with you.”

  I’m right here watching the waves break way out, waiting for the sun to set with someone very important to me. After he goes I may never see him again.

  My heartbeat quickens. I try to exhale slowly but it’s like I can’t catch my breath.

  I get up and walk toward the ocean, waves splashing in like loud whispers as my toes touch the edge. The water’s cool, and a shiver travels through me.

  I fix my eyes in the direction of the sun hanging low, sloshing my feet farther into wet, heavy sand until they’re covered. Normally I’m calmed by the ocean, but when I look out it doesn’t seem to end. It makes me feel so small.

  My face is wet. I wipe the tears away.

  Tatang rests his hand on my back.

  “You never mentioned anything about this to me,” I say in a quiet voice.

  “That’s why I brought us here, Kaia, to talk. You can ask me any questions.” He hands me a tissue to wipe my nose.

  “Does Lainey know?”

  He nods. “We discussed it before she left.”

  Of course he shared it with her first. “You told her but not me?” I start crying again. “And is she happy about it?”

  “I wanted her to know before she left. Like you, she wasn’t happy, but Elena understands—and I think your parents do, too.”

  “Are you…are you leaving because I haven’t done anything important?” He probably thinks I never will. He has zero reasons to stick around anymore.