by Janay Harden
“So, this is Ez’s house.” I waved my hand around, showing them the property. Cats meowed and the old front door creaked and groaned as it banged against the frame. It was a little windy and stench from a combination of old food and the cats wafted in the air. Malachi glanced around while placing his hands in his pockets. He pulled out a small vial of hand sanitizer and squeezed some into his hands. Mila was quiet as she took in what she was seeing. Some of the homes in the trailer park where she lived accumulated tons of stuff in their yards too but seeing Ez’s house along with all of his land which was equally as covered, I’m sure shocked even her.
“Where is Ez?” Mila questioned.
“He’s out on the water somewhere. Said he didn’t want to be here while we ransacked his house,” I shrugged.
“Ransacked?”
“That’s the word he used,” I chuckled.
Mila’s shoulders relaxed.
“So, what do you need us to do?” Malachi stepped forward.
I looked around the property at all the work we still needed to get done. Ez started a small bonfire of some magazines that were in the house. Too many words, he had fussed. Cats still roamed the land, flushable wipes littered the yard, and Ez’s clothesline hung from rope extending from the house to a tree. As I looked around at the mess, my eyes filled with tears. My Grandpa Ez, Sidney’s Grandpa Ez, was not okay, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I hated that my friends saw him like this.
I sniffled as tears ran down my cheeks. At the same time, Will and Malachi stepped forward—both inching closer to me with arms extended. Will was the furthest away because he stood next to the car, but he moved fast, not backing down. Malachi was closer, but truth be told, I didn’t see him. I saw Will only. He was so tall. So strong. Malachi glanced between us and slowed walking. Will made it to me in one swift motion and before another tear dropped from my face, he was there—like always.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he held me.
I cried for Ez.
I cried for me.
I cried for Mom.
I cried for it all.
Mila came up behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder. I heard footsteps, and soon Malachi was at my side, his hand on my right shoulder.
My friends. Mine.
I wiped my tears into Will’s shirt and glanced up towards the house where Sidney was staring out of the papered-up window, smiling at us. “Sidney is in the house. We needed more trash bags too, I’m so glad you’re here,” I joked. “We can head inside.”
“Copy that,” Will nodded. He and Mila walked inside, while Malachi stood in place looking at me.
He grinned.
My stomach fluttered, and my face felt flush.
I grinned back.
When my head wasn’t somewhere hearing voices, it spent hours thinking of Will. But my body… my body whispered a language only Malachi was fluent in.
“Ms. Lewis,” he inched closer.
“Yes, Mr. Reynolds?”
Malachi said nothing but palmed a few of my braids resting on my shoulder. His touch was soft—like he was taking in the moment. I inched closer and sniffed his cologne. He only wore cologne when he went to work, so I knew he just finished his shift down at the movie theater. I inhaled, remembering days when I left with his scent on me.
“Girl, go in the house!” Mom’s voice shrieked.
I jumped back, startled.
“Let’s go inside,” I breathed.
Malachi snickered and put space between us while Will watched from the porch. My phone buzzed, and I sent Malachi ahead of me. I blinked and stared at the header.
It was an email that read:
I was accepted into Virginia State University.
CHAPTER 28
Ten o’clock came and went. I finished typing two of Jaxon’s reports. One for Advanced Chemistry and another for Advanced English. I didn’t know why anyone took advanced classes; we were all screwed in the end anyway, especially if you didn’t have money. This made four reports total. I completed four reports for his classes, over ten thousand words. Apparently, he wasn’t doing any schoolwork, and his teachers were giving him an opportunity to turn in missing assignments right up until the last day of school. Just his luck that he blackmailed me because he got to slept soundly in a different part of Tunica Rivers and I stayed up, finishing his high school education.
I woke up this morning, and I wondered what it felt like to be a spy. A fly on the wall. Change the game and spy on Jaxon for a change. Yesterday I thought I could be a singer like Mom. Sidney and I dressed up in her old clothes we fished out of the shed from when we cleaned. Sidney and I giggled at the old clothes, but I also imagined what Mom was doing when she wore them. How she felt. Was she happy or sad? Was I happy or sad? Today was the big day, and I didn’t know if I felt happy or sad. Mom seemed to have a good time at Trochesse—she seemed so happy when we went to visit. Maybe she was happy there. Maybe I would be too? I wondered if they had room for me in their band of misfits.
I giggled out loud to myself and looked in the mirror. My eyes stared back at me, but the rest was Sonia Lewis herself: Mom.
I giggled again and waited for the voices.
What are you doing here, mom?
Waiting for you to do what you know you have to do.
And what is that?
Mom smiled back through my own eyes with a sinister grin but didn’t answer. My eyes shifted until soon I couldn’t tell them apart; Mom’s eyes and mine were the same.
Sidney stirred in her closet of a room. I giggled again. I wondered if she was tired-tired or just regular tired. I always wanted to learn to play chess, and I thought she and I could learn together. Oh! I had a better idea. My car wasn’t starting again, and I’ve been meaning to check the oil. Ez taught me how to do it a few years ago. One of the few life lessons from Grandpop Ez himself. How did Ez let Mama Jackie send Mom to that camp? Surely, he was smarter than that. Who was anyone these days, anyway? Dad hit the nose on the head. There were some things children shouldn’t know about their parents. Well, there were some things parents shouldn’t know about their children either.
Random thoughts spilled out of my mind. My body had to move, had to think, had to process. I danced in front of my mirror and my fingertips tingled and felt numb.
Dad couldn’t control the thoughts in my head; I would have to go at it alone. And if I did hurt someone… well, who was I to interrupt fate?
I looked at the clock again. It was 12:47 a.m. I always wondered why they called midnight the next morning. There was nothing that made me equate morning with midnight, the darkest part of the day. The house was quiet, and I heard nothing except crickets and slapping water outside. I wonder what Ez is doing. Maybe I would go see him. I never paddled the entire lake by myself, but maybe I could try tonight.
My mind raced thinking all the thoughts known to man. Different voices ran circles in my head as I lay on my back on my bed staring at the wall. The words spelled themselves out on the ceiling as I looked on. I saw the words so clearly—they painted my ceiling with different colors and fonts for different people talking. Some voices were nice and soothing. Others were harsh and demanding. The voices said the same thing, just different ways. Kill him, run him over, you’ll feel better, just do it once, see how it feels.
When I finally crawled into bed, the sun was coming up. It peeked through the window in my room and landed on my face. It was bright, but I turned over and pulled the covers over my head. My mood wasn’t sunny. Today was the big day, and the sun wouldn’t wait for me. My presence was expected.
Graduation day.
The day brought a flurry of activities, hugs, and tears. Months before, I only applied to two places: Titus University and Virginia State University, and I got into both. I was proud of myself for
that. Everything happened the way it was supposed to happen. At a time when so many things were being taken away from me having a normal senior year, I was happy that I got to experience that. My decision was easy. Titus University was closer to home; I still wanted to be around for Sidney.
When I confirmed my attendance for school, it took me two full weeks to gather all the documents they required. My shot record—which cost me $15 from my doctor’s office. A place I haven’t been to in months due to insurance. A $200 dorm room deposit, and if you had a car that you planned to bring well, they needed all of that documentation too and a paid permit slip. They always made it sound so easily done when they send you the documents: just print, sign, and send back, and boom you’re finished.
I went through the process in my head about how I would get it done. I would go to Ms. Shondra’s down at the corner. She had a printer and an old dial-up computer in the back. She and Dad went to school together, and she said I could come and use it anytime I needed. After I printed all of the pages, the signing part was straightforward. Then came the next hurdle—sending it back. I had a few options: I could go back to Ms. Shondra’s and send it old-school, buying a stamp and an envelope. Or, I could take a picture of it and email it back, but it was at least fourteen pages that I would need to sign and return. I tried to do it twice, and I got so frustrated when I began mixing up the forms and some pictures were taken twice. My next option, I went to the Tunica Rivers Library and used their old 1990s copier machine even though I was still trying to lay low from the library these days, after the camera fiasco. Before that, I spent long afternoons scanning important documents to various bill collectors when Dad didn’t remember. This machine costs thirty cents per page, and I had fourteen. Everything costs money these days. Everything. The coins jiggled in my pockets; my worth tied to their song.
But I did all that.
I went through all of that and jumped through the hoops, and despite all the things that stood in my way, I got it done. It was a moment that I would be proud of for a long time. I wore my hair in a high bun on my head, and I opted for the largest hoop earrings I had in my collection. I gelled my edges with special attention, I clipped small gold beads to my braids, and my face was beat for the Gods! My pink eyeshadow shimmered in the sun and my highlight accentuated my already defined cheekbones. I applied a nude lipstick which matched beautifully with the rest of my makeup.
Within a few hours and under a fiery Louisiana sun, our Principal screamed, “Indigo Lewis!” and Ms. Arletha, Dad, Sidney, and even Ez, beamed at me from the crowds. Ez was wearing a buttoned up checkered shirt, and he waved and tugged at his neck. Dad had tears in his eyes, and Sidney and Ms. Arletha clapped as hard as they could. My heart burst with pride for my family—Ms. Arletha included.
The day folded into the night, and Will had a large party at his house. All of Will’s older relatives were there, eyeing us youngins.
“Baby, that’s a lot of lipstick,” Will’s grandma said to me. Mila covered her mouth and stifled a giggle while Malachi made choking noises.
“She looks just fine, Grandma,” Will said, staring at me hard. His gaze made me shudder.
Plates filled with all sorts of savory dishes and delectables were moving around three different large tables. Rice, chicken, steak, french fries, hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, spareribs, cakes, pies, ice cream. We laughed, we danced. Mila showed off her dance moves, and Malachi was in his element, surrounded by a smorgasbord of food.
Under an oak tree off to the side, I sat in a lawn chair watching everyone. Will pulled up a chair and sat next to me.
“Penny for your thoughts?” He said.
“Look at all of this.” I gazed around. The night was surrounded by nothing but friends and family. There was a lot of love in this space right now, and I was here for it all.
“It really is amazing isn’t it?” Will grinned.
“And how are you? Really?” I turned to Will. He was always there for me, and I hope he understood what his friendship meant to me.
Will sheepishly looked away. “Indy… I love you. Mila is right, her and I were never going to work out because it’s always been you. I meant what I said. I want to be there for you with whatever you’re going through, but you have to let me in.”
I inhaled sharply, surprised by his words. “Will… I-I, I think I love you too. No, I know I love you too. Whatever goes on with us, and I’m not sure what that will be, I want you around.”
Will grinned and his perfect, white teeth shone in the moonlight.
“You’re going to be a big-time college girl, you sure you want me around?”
I pondered Will’s words considering I would be three hours away. I nodded my head. “I don’t know what to say Will, I really don’t. I do have some things going on right now, but I’m working it out. I don’t know what will happen, but I’d like to try.”
“Well, I’ll be here whenever you call. Just like Chicago,” he smirked.
“That’s our limit! We don’t go more than two weeks!” Will and I exclaimed at the same time.
“Deal?”
“Deal,” I grinned.
The plan was for the four of us to get together tomorrow night to really celebrate. There was a new club in Baton Rouge, and we planned to have a good time just the four of us—like we used to. I laid my head on Will’s shoulder and took mental pictures of everything. I didn’t want to rush this moment; it was too perfect.
My phone buzzed, and the smile immediately left my face.
Jaxon: We should meet? I have your money. And some other things too. Tomorrow?
Me: I have to work. Meet me at Dennis and Son’s 6 a.m.
Jaxon: The funeral home?
Me: Yes.
Jaxon: Wow, that sucks. Okay.
CHAPTER 29
Jaxon: Can you come here?
Me: Excuse me?
Jaxon: My car is getting custom seats put in, I won’t have a ride.
Me: Get on your bike like the rest of us poor people. You live less than two miles from my job. No, I won’t pick you up.
Jaxon: Fine. I’ll be there in a few.
My own car broke down the week before and I had to take two busses to get to work on time. He complained about a quick bike ride; I jeered. He was lazy but willing to wake up and meet me at work at 6 a.m., that wasn’t a good sign. I was exhausted from staying up at Will’s graduation party. The voices were still coming to me, mainly at night now—preventing me from sleeping.
Minutes later, Jaxon arrived sweaty and out of breath. He wore sneakers on this day, and not his usual man flops, and sported a small drawstring knapsack on his back. He must’ve been desperate to talk, and that made me nervous. What did he want this time?
He took a step forward, invading my space while we stood in the foyer of Dennis and Son’s. “I have to show you something.”
“Get back out of my face, please.” He was so close my reading glasses fogged up.
“What?” He extended his arms as if I was the problem. He sat his bag down in the visitor’s chair next to the front door. I peered out of the small window, hoping no one saw him arrive.
“Look at this.” Jaxon shoved a course syllabus in my hand. The names read Jaxon Green and another person’s name I didn’t recognize.
“This will be for me and my friend at college.… He and I talked, and I told him what you do for me, and we thought you could do it for him too. Maybe we can work something else out. I’ll pay you. That’s what you want anyway, right? I’m not stupid. I saw your car; you could use the money.” He looked at me with curious eyes and he palmed my braids—the new ones I had to have replaced because of him. He came closer again and placed his hand on my shoulder and licked his pink lips. “Oh, and I have your money too, sorry for the wait.” Jaxon dug in his bag and pulled out a fresh one hundred-dollar bill. “How bad do you want it?”
He smirked and pulled the bill back. He gazed at my face, studying it up and down.
I felt like a piece of meat. I studied his face too, only I was disgusted. I felt like I would vomit, staring at him, hearing his words, and feeling his intent.
This time, I knew he didn’t mean schoolwork. Jaxon wanted to taste the rainbow. He tried to sweep his palm underneath my chin and cup it before I pushed his hand away from my face. I wasn’t the smartest girl, and I wasn’t in advanced classes, but I was picking up what he was putting down. Sneering at him, I inched backwards.
“What’s the big deal? You make everything bigger than it has to be.” He sucked his teeth. “You want this little bit of money, take it then.” He took the bill and flaunted it in front of my face.
“I make everything bigger than it has to be? And you’re asking—no—telling me you want me to do your work in college, and now some of your friends too?” It wasn’t even about the money at this point. This man continued to disrespect me. Jaxon stood in Dennis and Sons, and he was out of place. He never saw an actual day of work in his life, but he was holding me up from doing mine. It was still slightly dark outside as the sun was just rising. That would be a good thing for what I knew was about to happen.
I had one thing on my mind: Murder.
I glanced around the room; I had had enough.
Do it! Do it! Do it! voices chanted in my head. They didn’t sound like Mom this time. Whoever it was knew what was up. It was time.
I turned away from Jaxon and I headed down the steps into the studio. He could see himself out or he could keep this up and lose his life. I’m not sure how, but today was surely the day. I didn’t sleep last night, the voices kept me up and the sheer excitement from graduating high school had my adrenaline pumping. My eyes were bloodshot red, and now my temples were pounding. I could feel them pulsating as I gritted my teeth.
I took large steps across the shabby rug and Jaxon was hot on my heels.