"No, surprisingly. He didn't even look at me in History."
"I know, I noticed that,” he responded with a hint of relief.
There was an awkward silence for a second. I tried to focus on my medium garlic chicken pizza that I already messed up once by putting tomato sauce on instead of the white garlic sauce. My nerves were acting up and I couldn't understand why. Plenty of guys liked me, but for some reason, I felt nervous around him right now. Ever since Becka made me fully aware of how he felt, I couldn’t get it out of my head. It was stupid because Austin was my friend. I just wished I could’ve remained clueless.
He grabbed a handful of chicken and helped me with my pizza. Almost at a whisper, not deciphering if he wanted me to hear him or not, he muttered, "Josh is a fool."
Glancing up at him, his eyes were tightly closed and I caught him shaking his head slightly. I took a deep breath, not knowing if I wanted his explanation. "Why do you say that?"
Stupid, stupid! Why did you just ask that? He would think I was into him. Our eyes met and the butterflies started swirling around and around in my stomach like a merry-go-round. I wanted to look away but couldn’t. One more stupid thing to add to the list.
There were a few seconds of quiet awkward silence where I was only aware of our breathing. Like a pin falling on the floor, hearing only the echo of it, I stood there frozen. Not knowing what to say, waiting for what I feared he might say, but somehow wanting him to say it.
"Because he had the most beautiful girl in Oregon and he lost her."
I just stood there like an idiot. Blood rushed to my face and I knew I was blushing. He was waiting for me to respond. Quickly, I grabbed the wooden pizza paddle from above my head. As I started to bring it down, it slipped out of my hands and crashed onto the prepping table, making all the pizza ingredients splatter to the floor.
We both bent down to pick up the food and as luck would have it, bumped our heads together. We looked at each other and let out a huge laugh. At least that released some tension.
He reached out. "Here let me take that. It’s kind of tricky getting the pizza off the paddle. It took me at least two full days before mine stopped looking like big oversize eggs." His right hand shook as he took it. That made me even more uncomfortable.
"Thanks," was all I said. I didn’t need this right now. Why did life have to be so difficult? I turned swiftly away and took the next ticket to start on the next order.
When he was near me again, I could tell by the way he was fidgeting with the tomatoes and not doing anything with them that he was gathering up the courage to ask me something.
Placing the tomatoes in the tray, I was thankful when he only asked, “So what do we need to make next?”
The last couple of hours were productive and non-talkative. There was a large birthday party of fifteen people, so that kept us busy. But we still had the car ride home, and I tried to convince myself it would be fine.
Eight o'clock came and with our goodbyes and see-you-tomorrows to Maria and Blayne, we were in Austin's warm truck and heading down the road.
Austin was the first to speak up. "Do you need a ride to school tomorrow? I can pick you up again." His voice was shaky.
"S-sure." I stumbled over the word.
He turned to me, worried. "Bre?"
"Yeah."
There was another uncomfortable pause and I could tell that he was really worried about what he was going to ask me. He looked to the road again.
"Um...did I say something...I mean, I'm sorry if I made you...um..." he nervously breathed out a chuckle and shook his head, "I’m an idiot."
"Austin, you didn't say anything wrong. I'm sorry I’m making this weird. It's just been a long day. But thank you for the nice comment. Really."
Now I felt bad.
He didn't look convinced at all. He grabbed the back of his neck and rubbed it with his hand.
I forced myself to sound as normal as possible. "So when will you be at my house to pick me up?"
He cleared his throat. "How about seven-fifteen?”
"Sure."
We pulled up to my house. I was surprised to see Mom's car in the driveway.
"What’s my Mom doing home so soon?" I whined. "She’s supposed to be working for the rest of the month."
"Is that a bad thing?" Austin sounded confused as to why I was upset that my mother was home. I forgot it had been awhile since he had seen my mother.
"Yeah, that’s a bad thing."
"I don't remember much of your mom, but she was always nice when I saw her. Oh yeah, and chocolates, that's right, she was the chocolate lady."
"What are you talking about, the chocolate lady?"
He must’ve been delusional from today.
"Don't you remember? Whenever I came over, back in elementary school, she always brought back chocolates from the different cities she stayed in."
I shook my head. "Sorry, I don't remember. But about the nice part, she’s a great actress. When other people are around she acts like this perfect mother, but when no one is looking she’s a completely different person," I stated, realizing that the truth sometimes hurts.
Unbuckling my seat belt and pushing open the door, I could hear faint yelling from inside my house.
"Is that screaming coming from your house?" He whispered.
"Unfortunately, yes." I jumped down from the truck. "See you in the morning."
"Alright." He swallowed like he didn’t want to leave me.
I watched as his truck drive down the long dark street to the main road, then I turned my attention to the house. The yelling escalated. Today was a rough day and all I wanted was to come home to a peaceful house where I could plop into bed and dream. I sighed. This day would never end.
Standing outside my front door, the muffled yelling brought back old painful memories of my childhood that I never wanted to relive. Looking down at the nicked and worn-out brass door handle, I felt like I was returning to the world I feared. The distressed little girl from years past engulfed my senses, swarming out of the black hole in my mind, stinging me from inside. My childhood trauma began to unfold in front of me.
“Bre, you can’t go now! We’re gonna have a tea party, ‘member?” Rebecca whined, slipping on one of her mother’s oversized dresses and high heel shoes.
“Mommie’s back! See? Her car is right there!” I pointed out the window to her new white Honda in our driveway.
I couldn’t wait to see her. Daddy said we’d spend all day together, no meetings, no friends, just the four of us.
“But she’s leaving soon,” Becka said.
“Nuh-ah, my daddy said she’s staying,” I snapped.
“Fine. Then just leave, you big sissy.” Rebecca stuck her tongue out and grabbed two stuffed animals from the nearest chairs. “I didn’t wanna play with you anyway.” She walked out with her nose in the air. “Mom, Bre’s being mean.”
I slipped off the hot pink-jelly play shoes and didn’t bother grabbing my own before I ran out and down the street to my house.
“Mommy!” I threw open the door. “Mommy!”
I heard them in their bedroom, but I wanted to make sure they didn’t leave without me so I rushed into my room to get ready. Grabbing my purple swimsuit, I stuffed it into my backpack and zipped it up. Luckily they were being loud enough that I knew they were still here.
“Okay, Chocolate, are you ready to go have some fun! Mommy’s home!” I said to my bear, tucking him under my arm.
I went out into the living room and sat on the couch. I placed Chocolate and my backpack on the coffee table and waited. Caleb was watching a cartoon and playing with his toy cars, smashing them together. I was so excited! I’d been waiting for this day for months and now it was finally here.
“Oh Chocolate, Mommy didn’t take her stuff to the room, silly Mommy,” I giggled, looking at her suitcase by the door. “I think we should help so we can leave.”
I got up and grabbed her very heavy suitcase and began to drag
it back to my parent’s room when she came out.
“What are you doing?” She screamed at me.
I froze, mumbling, “I was bringing this to you so we could go.” My eyes began to sting.
“Don’t ever touch my things again.” She jerked the bag from my hand.
“I’m s-sorry,” I cried, wiping my wet cheeks with the back of my arm.
“Susan, she was just trying to help.” Dad was behind her.
“Just get out of my way.” She pushed me and I hit the wall. It hurt and I didn’t know why I was in trouble.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Dad questioned as Mom grabbed her other two bags and opened the door, walking out. Dad ran after her, and I sat on the ground holding my hurt arm.
Caleb came up to me and saw a red spot on my shoulder. He bent down to kiss it.
“Boo- boo,” he said, pointing to it. But I turned away.
“Don’t, Caleb.”
He ignored me and sat next to me, resting his head on my shoulder. After a minute my Dad came into the house and shut the door.
“Honey, are you alright? Come here, sweetheart.” He bent down and scooped me up in his arms.
“Daddy, boo- boo.” Caleb said pointing to me again.
“I know, Caleb. Yes, Breanna has a boo-boo.”
He walked over to the couch and cradled me for a minute. I looked at the door, but Mom didn’t come back in.
“Daddy, where’s Mommy? We need to go.” I sat up and grabbed my bear and backpack, sniffling.
“Honey…” he paused, slowly brushing my hair with his hand. “Mommy had to go back to work.”
“But why?” My heart sank.
“Because…”
“Is it because I’m a bad girl? I won’t do it again.” A tear passed down my cheek, and then another, and another.
“Sweetheart, you didn’t do anything. She just has to go back to work now.”
“But…” I began to cry in my Daddy’s arms. “I’ll be a good girl, I promise. I’m s-ssorry Daddy, I’ll be a good girlll.” I took a few hard breaths as my stomach shook. “I-I’m s-ssorry,” I quietly whimpered. She didn’t return for three weeks.
I blinked and breathed deep, wiping away the memory with my tears. Get a hold of yourself, Breanna. You can’t let her get to you like this. You’re not five years old anymore.
I looked up from the door handle and contemplated whether I should go in or stay out here and brave the freezing cold. It’z-z-z not that b-b-bad, I tried to convince myself, wrapping my arms tightly around my body, hoping to hold the heat in. Unfortunately, my skinny, zero-body-fat frame was not helping me. I cupped my hands over my mouth and blew warm air into them, but the stinging wouldn’t subside. My shoulders slumped with dread, I gave in.
Slowly I turned the doorknob as carefully as I could, trying hard to keep my presence unknown, which was silly. They were being so loud a bulldozer crashing into the house would’ve gone unnoticed. As the door creaked opened and I stepped into the living room, I could hear them in the kitchen. I glanced at Caleb’s room to see the light shinning underneath his door. The first voice I heard clearly was my Mother’s.
“This is all your fault, Andy, and you know it! You’ve wanted something like this to happen to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if you prayed for this, I guess you got your wish.”
“All my fault? This is your doing, Susan. Don’t you dare pin this on me.”
“If it wasn’t for you always ―”
“If it wasn’t for me, you would still be off trying to go for that stupid dream of yours that obviously isn’t going to happen.” My dad boomed, “Haven’t you ever sat back and wondered why you never got the position in the first place? You’ve been trying for years and they always promote someone else.”
“Stupid dream?” she spit in a controlled angry whisper. Then louder, “Stupid dream?”
“Yes, it’s stupid. If a job takes you away from your family, a family who’s sacrificed for so many years and kids who don’t even know who their mother is then, yes, it’s a stupid and selfish dream. I’m thrilled it’s finally over. Maybe now you’ll be the mother your kids have needed all these years and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be that wife that I have…” he trailed off as he choked up.
My mother said icily, “Maybe I didn’t want to be that mother.”
My heart felt like it had ripped out of my body and slammed on the floor. The blood drained from my face, my eyes burning. How could she say that?
She went on, “And has it ever occurred to you that maybe I wanted to be away from you?” she added.
I didn’t hear anything for a moment and then my dad walked into my line of sight. I could only guess what I must’ve looked like, and I felt bad about that. I knew that my distressed appearance would pull on his heartstrings and only contribute to the already raw emotions etched on his rugged face. Standing before me was a broken and battered man. He looked thin and his eyes were sunken in, forming dark circles underneath. He was always a strong individual. Now I didn’t recognize him as the same person. My heart broke as I watched this horrible person, my mother, his wife, rip him apart like that. Years of a dysfunctional marriage had finally taken its toll and he looked damaged and defeated. There was nothing I could do or say to fix it even though I desperately wanted to.
“Bre,” he cleared his throat, “I didn’t hear you come in.”
When he saw me, the tears that were streaming down the sides of his rough skin were swiftly wiped away in one swoop of his hand.
“Dad?” I choked out.
“How long have you been standing there?” His voice was rough.
“Long enough to hear…everything!” I said loud enough for her to hear me.
“I’m sorry you had to hear all of that. Your Mother and I were just having an argument, that’s all.”
He walked up and put his arms around me.
“Dad, I’m not a little girl anymore.” I pulled away. “You don’t have to cover for her.”
She came out from behind the corner, arms folded, and looking straight at me. The first thing that passed through my mind was how well she put on a façade. From the outside, she looked and appeared to be perfect: her blonde hair was never out of place, her clothes were the best and most current designer on the market, her makeup was always kept up and reapplied every few hours. But the thing that dug under my skin, above all else, was how much I looked like her. Aside from inheriting my Father’s brown eyes, I was a younger version of her and I hated it.
I felt the anger boiling. I didn’t want to be anything like her. I would do anything to keep her from destroying this family any longer.
She dropped her hands and walked up to me. I stood up a little taller and waited. “Bre, go to your room,” she ordered.
I stood my ground. “No! You’re not my Mother.”
“Bre!” my Dad warned.
“I don’t have a Mother!” I growled.
My Dad snapped again, “I said, that is enough!”
“No, Dad. I’m not going to stand here and watch her do this to you and to us. I’m tired of it and it needs to stop.” My eyes went back to her. “Why are you even here? Don’t you have somewhere important to be? Why don’t you just go and leave us alone! We don’t want you here anymore.”
Susan set her jaw tight as her chest rose up and down. She was about to explode. I waited.
“You little…how dare you talk to me that way,” she hissed through her clenched teeth as her dark blue eyes narrowed into thin slits. “I wish I was somewhere else, anywhere but here. I wish…”
She stopped herself, but I wasn’t going to let her hold back now. I wanted to know.
“You wish what?” I demanded.
“Susan!” My dad jumped in, warning her. “Don’t you dare.”
I pushed again, “You wish what?”
And it came out, “I wish I wasn’t in this family. I wish you and that brother of yours weren’t even born!”
The words came fast b
ut hard. The pumping of my heart stopped and I couldn’t breathe. Her hateful words were strangling me, ripping the little hope that I once had, that someday she would wake up and realize she loved me. Now the agonizing truth was out in the open, slapping me in the face. It hurt worse than I ever imagined.
I was rooted to the floor. I told my feet to run, but my brain was detached from the rest of my body. I wanted to be furious, but the pain dominated the anger. The longer I stood there the more the pain built and she knew it. Her hardened face lit up and she seemed tranquil as if she were only commenting on a beautiful day.
“Susan!” My dad yelled furiously, but she turned and walked back into the kitchen.
I was stunned that she had no remorse. She wasn’t affected at all. She didn’t care.
“Breanna.” my father reached out for me.
“Dad, don’t!” I snapped back, not wanting to be touched. I knew he didn’t understand, but I couldn’t stand being in the same area as her.
“Breanna!” he called after me, but I was already down the hallway and in Caleb’s room.
I locked the door and searched the room, but Caleb wasn’t in sight.
“Caleb?” I called softly, but heard nothing in response.
Hearing the fighting again I walked around the bed, headed for Caleb’s bean bag chair when I spotted him sitting on the floor in the corner of his room with his headphones on and his eyes closed.
“Caleb!” I yelled a little louder so he could hear me.
When he opened his eyes, my heart sank. His innocent bloodshot eyes looked up at me and it took all my strength to compose myself. Slowly he took the headphones off and rested them in his lap. Did he hear that last part? I sat down on the floor next to him, giving myself a moment to think about what to say.
“Are you okay?”
“No,” he whispered, staring at his headphones.
“What did you hear?”
Pausing, he pushed his lips together, closing his eyes. “Everything.”
“Did you hear me?”
His chin started to quiver as his lips slumped down and I knew that he had.
“How could she say that?” A tear passing down his face.
Awaken (Awaken Series Book 1) Page 15