by Brenda Ford
“I… I don’t want you to see it like that.” I reach out to touch his hand in a reassuring gesture, but I immediately snap away the moment that fire and electricity burns through my skin. It isn’t supposed to still feel like that. “Sorry, I just… I don’t want you to feel bad because I know you left in the midst of grief.”
He parts his lips almost as if he is about to argue with me, but he nods at the last minute. I’m sure that this isn’t the last time that we will talk about this, but for now the conversation is done. I never really blamed him, and I hope that’s clear now. I don’t like the idea of him still being sad over things that have happened.
“Well, I suppose I better get back to my business meeting.” I roll my eyes and manage a smile. “Otherwise they will wonder where I am and start making inappropriate jokes about me being in the bathroom for too long. They are just that sort of people, you know? Idiots who think that they are funnier than they are.”
“Ah, so you aren’t happy spending time with them then?” I don’t think that I am imagining the relief on Artie’s face. “I thought that because you look so business like these days that you like them.”
“I look business like because I am at work. You can’t look like that when you work…” I trail off as I see a dark shadow cross Artie’s face proving that I have clearly said the wrong thing here. Either he is in a job that he hates, or he funds his life style in a way that I really don’t want to think about… “Anyway…”
“I will let you get to it,” he says hurriedly. “And I will be waiting until you are done. Don’t worry about rushing or anything like that. I’m sure these things take time. I will wait for as long as it takes.”
“Oh yeah?” I cock an eyebrow gratefully. “Thank you. I will see if I can get Andy to hurry up though. He really is driving me up the wall. I would… you know, much rather be talking to you.” Should I have said that? I agonize over it but only for a moment. It’s too late now. It’s out there. “Right, well, see you soon.”
I shudder and immediately make my way passed Artie, thankful that he’s letting me go this time around. I can’t keep in that bubble with him because quite frankly it’s a scary place to be. It’s easy to get lost with Artie and to forget that he isn’t a good person anymore. It’s easy to forget that a decade has gone by and it’s clearly ten years which have transformed him in to a different man to who he used to be. Virtually a stranger.
I need to be careful. When I am done with Andy and I spend some time with me, I need to keep me head on straight and remind myself that we aren’t high school sweet hearts anymore. We are on two different paths in life. We are aiming for different things and so our paths must divide once more. They have to.
Of course, Andy makes some stupid joke as I sit beside him, but I let it roll off me like water off a duck’s back. I don’t really give a shit about him now. Instead, my eyes are all over the bar trying to work out where he is sitting. I need to know exactly where Artie is now, or I won’t be able to relax. I don’t like the idea of him being able to watch me and I can’t see him. I need to be on equal footing to him. I can’t be lost…
Oh my God. I spot him walking back to his seat and my heart is in my mouth. Even now after all of this time, Artie does something weird to me. I can’t help it; this isn’t just a nervous energy. It’s excitement and anticipation as well. I want this meeting to be over quickly so I can spend some time with him. I don’t know what we will talk about and how deep things will go, but this is a chat that definitely needs to happen.
A shiver runs down my spine as he meets my eyes and smiles, making me feel like I am a teenager all over again. No wonder nothing else has ever worked out for me. Not only do I compare every guy that ever comes in to my life to the high school boyfriend that I once had, but I also haven’t had anyone else to make me feel like this. So electric, so on fire, so alive. I’m on the edge of a thrill just because he has met my eyes…
Dear God, how am I supposed to keep my head on straight and stop myself from losing my mind and doing something stupid with Artie? Even knowing that he is a scary guy now who definitely doesn’t live life on the straight and narrow like he should do, I feel like I want to be stupid with him. I want to be a fool.
Tonight, is crazy, it isn’t what I expected it to be at all, but I suppose that’s okay. I’m sure that sometimes the best things can come from the most unexpected of places. Probably. Oh God, who the hell knows anymore? I’m a freaking mess and that can only get worse. What the hell am I doing?
Chapter 5 – Artie
Time passes slowly, much too slowly, but I can handle it for the first time ever. I have just about managed to find some patience because the waiting is all worthwhile. At the end of it, I will be able to talk to Rose and that makes everything okay. Knowing that she is the prize for the waiting makes me feel good.
And finally, the waiting pays off. I watch intently as Rose gets rid of the business guys and smile to myself as she takes yet another trip to the bathroom before she comes to meet me which I’m sure means that she must be as nervous as me. But then again how could she not be after all of this time? I’m a mess.
I’m also still in shock about what she said to me before. Perhaps it was just a snap knee jerk reaction but she seemed really genuine when she let me know that she doesn’t exactly blame me for what happened, that she gets it was because of the grief. I should have known that she would understand me better than I do myself.
But I guess only time will tell if she really did mean that. I’m sure that the truth will come out now, and there is only one sure fire way to make that happen. To lubricate us both with a drink. I have seen what she’s been drinking all night long, white wine, so I go and order one for her while she is getting herself together.
Rose looks at the glass gratefully as she finally exits the bathroom and she comes to take a seat beside me. Rose takes a big swig of her drink before she even looks at me, so I do the same thing.
“So…” she finally says once her glass hits the table. “Long time no see. Am I right?”
I burst in to laughter and she does the same thing. “I guess so. Ten years. It is a very long time.”
“Hmm, and you have changed a lot in that time. I mean, look at you now. A real biker boy.”
“I was always a biker boy,” I tease her. “But yes, I suppose I do look more like that now.”
“It’s a look that suits you.” There is a certain hesitation to her voice as she says this. I wonder if it’s because she finds it hard to say something that could be misinterpreted as flirting. I have to admit that there is a real lot for us to side step here because it could very easily get awkward between us. “I like it.”
“Thank you. The business look suits you as well, even if it isn’t exactly as I envisioned.”
We drink for a little while longer, just teasing one another and talking about not a lot in particular. It seems that she isn’t too keen on discussing her life over the past decade which is just fine by me because I don’t really want to hash out how I ended up in this place either. There might not be any need anyway if this is going to just be a one-time meeting. We don’t need to discuss everything that we have been through.
But soon, I know that it’s time for me to talk, to say everything that has been on my mind for a very long time now. I don’t want to kill the mood and the fun that we have going on here, especially when this is the most alive that I have felt in a very long time, but at the same time this might be the only chance that I have.
“Rose, I do need to apologize to you,” I say in a very sudden serious tone of voice. “For everything that happened way back when. I know that you said you don’t blame me because of grief but it wasn’t cool.” I shake my head sadly. “I was a dick to you, I tried to push you away because I didn’t like anyone being close to me at the time, I felt like I was a curse and that you could end up getting hurt too… and then… well, then I couldn’t hack the idea of being in the same town anymore. The place w
as always going to be a reminder to me about what happened with Lee. I couldn’t do anything or be anywhere without feeling the pain of losing him.”
“So, you ran.” Rose nods knowingly. “I know. I can understand that now.”
“But I bet you didn’t get it at the time.” I stare in to her eyes, searching for the truth behind her words. “I bet I really hurt you and you were only young at the time. I treated you really badly.”
She sighs loudly and looks away from me, almost as if she can’t stand to see in to my eyes. I don’t know what my gaze is telling her, but it can’t be good. “I was sad, but not at first. I will be honest with you, Artie, more truthful than I should be…” I don’t know what to make of this. “But I held on to the belief that you were coming back for me for a very long time. I assumed that you just needed space and I thought that you would return.”
A thick ball of emotion lodges in my throat. I can almost see her right now, ignoring everyone telling her to let go of me and her resolutely holding on to the idea of me coming back to sweep her off her feet. I don’t even want to ask her when she finally let go of that dream because it feels too tragic for words. That poor girl. I hate myself for what I did to her. I’m surprised that she doesn’t hate me as well. She should. I would if I were her. But Rose is a much better person than me. She always has been, and I guess she always will be.
“I feel like fucking shit for that,” I tell her honestly. “I was just so lost. So, stuck in my own little world. You are right that I was trapped in grief, that made me only think of myself, I didn’t even think about you and I know that makes me a terrible person. I can see how that makes me look and it’s awful.” I grip on to my beer hard. “I wouldn’t blame you for doing the same to me. You should walk out on me right now.”
Much to my surprise, Rose giggles. I stare at her in wide eyed surprise. “Don’t act like a fucking martyr, Artie. It doesn’t suit you at all. Yes, I was hurt, but it was a long time ago and I understand. The fact that I understand helps a lot because it means that I can’t hate you. I don’t want to hate you. I never did.”
Her words lift a weight off my shoulders, and I find myself smiling genuinely for the first time in a very long time. Possibly in years. Rose is telling the truth; she really doesn’t hate me… although where do we go from here? Now I’m not quite sure what is going to happen. This is all a bit confusing.
“So, we are friends again?” I ask cautiously, trying not to get too carried away. “Can I assume that?”
“We were never friends, were we, Artie?” Rose cocks a knowing eyebrow at me. “So, I don’t think that me and you can ever be friends ‘again’. But sure, it would be cool to have you back in my life.”
I wonder if she has surprised herself with that statement. I’m sure that isn’t something that she ever expected to say to me. However much she tries to tell me that she doesn’t hate me, but I’m sure that she did.
“So, friends.” I go along with it and extend out my hand for her to shake. Rose rolls her eyes but does it, and my God the feel of her hand in mine is absolutely electrifying, better than I thought it would be. “I like it.”
I want to ask her how we are going to be friends, because these aren’t just words to me, but this doesn’t feel like the time or place to do so. I’m hoping that the chance will come around though because I would like to know what friendship will look like. I don’t exactly want her to walk out of my life and never look back.
“Friends it is.” Rose’s smile makes my heart melt. I’m almost overwhelmed with the urge to rest her head against my chest, to really take us back all of those years. “And since you are my friend now, what do you think about walking me back to my hotel? Because I have had one too many drinks to find the way by myself. You must know this area so much better than me. You aren’t going to leave a damsel in distress, are you?”
I kinda get the impression that this might just be a rouse to spend more time with me, which of course makes it a million times better. I nod eagerly, ready to help Rose with whatever she needs me to do.
“Of course. Whatever hotel you are at, I’m sure I can find the way. Come on, let’s go.”
I rise to my feet and offer her my arm, which she takes eagerly. As we leave the bar, I can’t help but feel like we are the couple that we always could have been if I had stayed on the right path. Of course, I’m not good enough for Rose now, but if I was with her properly, I would be the best version of myself. Not some petty criminal in a motorcycle gang. That wouldn’t be me, she wouldn’t tolerate that.
“Doesn’t it feel like no time has passed?” Rose suddenly says, clearly thinking along the same path as me. “Like me and you are still in high school and we’re still together? Sorry, I know that’s a bit weird…”
“No, I feel like that as well,” I agree, smirking to myself as I do. “And it makes me wish like we were.”
“Would you do things differently?” she asks idly. “Even if the situation were the same?”
It’s hard to answer this question without thinking about Lee, but this time as I think about losing my friend, I have someone who truly understands me by my side, supporting me. It isn’t so much of a heavy load to bear. It still hurts, but I know that it always will, but I can handle it that little bit more.
“I would never have left you,” I tell Rose earnestly. “Ever. That was the biggest mistake of my whole life.”
“It was?” Rose twists on her heels to stare at me, stopping dead on the side walk where we are. “Because losing you is my biggest regret as well. I hate that it happened. Life could be so much better if we had just stayed in touch. Even if you left but we continued to talk to one another, it would have been…”
I don’t know who makes the first move, all I know is that one minute me and Rose are discussing how much better life would be if we were still together and the next, we are kissing like there is no tomorrow. Her lips are on mine making my whole mouth tingle, her tongue has snaked around mine, and my fingers have knotted up in her hair like I don’t want to let her go. Now, it’s like no time has passed, but that we have lost a decade as well. I don’t ever want to let Rose go this time. I have somehow managed to get her back in my arms and I don’t want to fuck anything up at all. I need to keep her with me.
Chapter 6 – Rose
I stagger through the door in to my hotel room with Artie still between my arms, kissing him frantically, utterly determined not to let him go. Deep down I know that this isn’t exactly the closure that I was looking for, if anything I am opening myself back up to a whole world of pain, but I also know what an incredibly good person he is deep down, which makes it a whole lot harder for me to pull away from him.
I drop my bag to the floor with a thump as soon as the hotel room door slams behind us, and I pull Artie on to the bed with me. The chemistry between us is absolutely insane, it’s incredible and I can’t resist it. As Artie yanks off my blouse, popping the buttons as he does, and he grazes his fingers all over my naked flushed skin I feel like I am on another freaking planet. This is more intense than anything that has ever come before.
“You are so beautiful,” Artie mutters as his teeth nip at the hyper sensitive skin on my neck. “Oh, Rose.”
The way that my name rolls off his tongue like that is so sensual, so sexy it hurts. I automatically roll my hips against him, letting Artie know just how much I want him. Not that I can really show him how much my core is absolutely throbbing for him right now. I feel like if I don’t have him soon, I might freaking die.
“I want you,” I groan desperately, needing him to know how badly. Even if I look like a fool, a desperate horny fool, I don’t care. He has to know how badly I’m aching for him. “I need you, Artie.”
My bra is shredded from my body, ripped away, and Artie takes the opportunity to claim my nipples with his mouth. His tongue, his teeth, his lips… he tastes me with every part of his mouth, and I love it. I arch my back and push more of my breasts between his lips which
he hungry takes happily.
Just as I am getting used to the sensation of his mouth on my breasts, I realize that I have been distracted. Artie’s fingers have been edging down my body and now he is massaging my core through the cotton of my panties and driving me insane. He’s giving me a little bit of what he wants but not everything. I don’t want him to just graze the surface, I want him buried deep inside of me feeling how wet I am.
“Fuck, Artie, don’t tease me,” I gasp. “I need you. You are driving me crazy.”
I grab the strands of his hair and tug hard every time his glorious finger grazes over my clit. I might be hurting him, but he doesn’t complain at all. He seems to be enjoying it just as much as I am. Thank fuck because I am about to lose my head here and if anything were to stop this moment then I would fucking melt.
“You really are a little minx, aren’t you?” he murmurs as he finally gives me a little bit of what I want by pushing my panties to one side so he can explore me with those velvety finger tips of his. “I love it.”
I have to admit that right now I am more attracted to him than ever before. I have always found him gorgeous but there is something about the ruthless bad boy that he has become which makes him even sexier. He’s rough and ready and he sure as shit knows what he’s doing in the bedroom which sets me alight. I want every inch of him, every part of him, I need to know him in a way that I have never known him before.
“Fuck.” His thumb circles my clit, sending my head spinning in to the stars, and while he’s doing that two of his fingers slip inside of me and he massages me in to an oblivion. “Fuck, Artie, that feels so good…”
I feel like he knows my body better than I do, that he knows everything about me, and it feels incredible. I can be open and raw with him, vulnerable and muddy and I just know that he still likes me. Sure, a lot of time might have passed, but the essence that makes me and Artie what we always were remains with us.