by David Keenan
Sure enough, not even a week later, two guys show up at the library on a Saturday afternoon. I’m coming out of a beginner’s yoga class and there are these two guys – maybe in their forties or early fifties, both with grey suits and silver hair, lots of gold rings, smelling of Old Spice. Excuse me, son, one of them said. Can I ask you a question? I said, go ahead, man. You see that sun out there in the sky? he asked me. Would that be the same sun that we see over in County Armagh? You’re fucking with me, man, I said to him. I have no time for this. I’m setting you up, he said. That’s a very different thing. What you’re supposed to say, when I ask you about the sun, is that you wouldn’t know, that you’re a stranger here yourself. At this point they both patted each other on the shoulder and made a big scene about slapping their legs and falling about in laughter. What can I do for you? I asked them. There is nothing you could possibly do for me that I couldn’t do myself, the other says. Then he hands me a photograph, a Polaroid of McManus. You wouldn’t happen to know this gentleman, would you? he asks me. In the photograph he looks different – he’s out of shape, he has long greasy hair plus he’s wearing glasses. Never seen him in my life before, man, I said. I heard he was teaching class here, the second silver-hair says. I heard he was a vegetarian or something like that. You heard wrong, man, I said. Now kindly leave the building. They both looked at me for a second and then one of them took out his wallet. All we need is an address, he said. And you’ll never be bothered again. I don’t know what you’re talking about, man, I said. I need to take a shower. Excuse me, gentlemen. Then I walked away.
There was a communal shower room in the back of the library and as I entered I could barely see anything for all of the steam – the odd foot, some dark curly hair, a belly sticking out from the mist like a Chinese peak. Then it was like everyone disappeared and I was on my own in the clouds. Someone came up behind me with a garrotte and wrapped it round my neck. Seriously. I felt it cut into my throat. I tried to fight him off but he was too strong and I was so slippery from the soap and the steam that I couldn’t do anything. I fell onto the floor and my assailant knelt on my back with both legs and pulled hard at my throat. They’re going to fucking decapitate me, man, I thought to myself. Then I came to a point where it felt like I was at sea – where everything slowed to the pace of the ocean – and I began to lose consciousness but so slowly that I felt myself sink under. But here’s the thing, man. Beneath me I could make out shapes – black shapes, that I took to be rigging, torn through, high masts with fish running up and down – and they were illuminated, man, phosphorescent, lit from below. I thought to myself, is there something that I’ve forgotten, man? Is that what this place is? Know what I mean? Did I set it up myself and then forget about it or abandon it? My thoughts were infinitely clear at this point, man – seriously. I felt my body go, felt the tension in my limbs give out and I slumped, head first into the depths. I fancied I could hear voices and that I could make out what they said. But it all came out as numbers which I began to hallucinate as the coordinates I was free-falling through. It made so much sense at the time, man. Then I saw the ships – I actually glimpsed them – and although they were wrecks they weren’t free-floating, rather they were anchored in place, all of them, which exaggerated the pull of the tide on them – rocking their black shapes back and forth in this deep green water that still seemed suffused with the sun. Every so often – way off in the distance – a pillar of bubbles would rise in the water as one of the anchors released and a boat took off. A ghost galleon, man, a skeleton crew, I said to myself as I flew over the tops of the sails and listened to the endless numbers in my ears. I’m in a children’s book, I marvelled, seriously, in a true adventure.
When I came to I was in bed at home, sitting upright with a cup of tea, still warm, on my dresser. I picked up the phone. McManus, I said. You’re an asshole, man, but all the same I think I may have given away your whereabouts to a pair of Irish hitmen. I was strangled and kidnapped and then dumped in my own fucking bed. Did they make you a cup of tea? he asked me. That isn’t funny, man, I said. But yeah, yeah, they did actually, man. Did you drink any of it? he asked me. No? Good, good. Why what’s in it, man? I asked him. You never know, he said, but anyway I need to flee for my life, I think. Cancel my classes, make my excuses, he said. I’m out of here. Are you taking Vanity with you, man? I asked him. No, I don’t think so, he said. She has nothing to do with it. Somehow I felt relieved, man, seriously.
I called Lucas. I got kidnapped man, I told him, and it’s your friend McManus’s fault. I could’ve been killed, man, I told him – I don’t even know how I got away. They must have access to my flat, I babbled. Who knows what they did to me in the meantime, I fretted. This might not be the end of it, I despaired. But I was with you, Lucas told me. Don’t you remember? I disturbed your assailants and fought them off, he claimed. I thought of his huge hands, lily-white, made for slow strangulation. Then what happened? I asked him. One of the men fell on the floor, he said. He slipped and banged his head. I wish I could have got a photo, he said. The blood on the white tiles, it was like Hitchcock. I got my hands around the other one’s neck – it was like attempting to compress a tree trunk – but I felt my fingers meet behind his neck and at the moment that they touched he dropped to his knees and fell forward on the floor. Then I rushed to see if you were okay and you were conscious but you were delirious – you kept saying numbers, like you were doing sums under your breath – adding and subtracting numbers. The showers were still running – it was impossible to see three feet in front of you – and when I turned off all the taps and the steam started to disperse we were left with an empty shower room all except for smeared footprints on the tiles and a perfect crescent of blood. The assailants were gone, disappeared without a sound. Then we went to see Vanity, he told me. I have it all written down here.
Why did we go to see Vanity, man?
You asked me to take you there. You said you had just come out of the ocean – that you had made it to dry land and that you wanted to tell her that.
And you let me do that, man?
It was what you wanted to do, Lucas said. You were traumatised – I was willing to go along with whatever it was you wanted. I have it written down here – land ho, you kept saying, land ho.
I kept saying land ho, man?
You kept talking about these ships – these underwater clippers that were taking off – that were headed for the surface.
You were the one who told me about the ships, man, I said. Don’t you remember? You said that you heard a sound, man – the sound of your own body, remember – you recorded your body at night and when we played it back you talked about seeing the ships – the submerged ships – all lit up from below.
I know that’s what you said, Lucas admitted. That’s what you told Vanity too. But I have no idea what you are talking about, he said. I never saw the ships, I never heard such music.
I had embarrassed myself in front of Vanity, humiliated myself in front of Lucas, lost an entire day out of my life and was possibly still a target for hitmen. I moved to Edinburgh and set up a yoga studio there. I never found out what happened to McManus. Vanity died, of course. I went to see Memorial Device once. They played at The Venue in Edinburgh while I was living there and I snuck in. The music they played was the same goddamn music. Ships rising up and passing through, the water full of sunlight and memory, the tricks that it plays. I couldn’t stand to be around it for long, man. I saw Patty on stage – he still looked like the kid in the sweet shop – and as I was leaving I saw Lucas look right at me – blankly – like the whole thing had taken place in another life altogether. I was glad of that, man. A forgetting is as good a resolution as any when you’ve been to the bottom of the ocean but anyway – my heart told me it was long past time to go.
23. An Inoculation Against Spirit-Devouring Life as Practised in the West Coast of Scotland: Claire Lune nurses Remy’s father and rides a horse along the beach in the past.
You’ll have to excuse me, pet_____ I have good days and I have bad days_____ hold on_____ but I really want to talk about this____ important to me____ no____ hold on, hold on____ okay ____ okay____ where will we start? Okay bear with me, my love____ okay, so____ I got to know your friend Remy through looking after his father who had Parkinson’s disease____ I was hired privately by his ex-wife and tasks included helping to wash him____ brush his teeth___ dress him, feed him____ and help him to the toilet as he was in a wheelchair. I also read to him as he was blind___ I’m not blind, thankfully, it’s not dark yet___ and kept him company by talking to him and telling him stories. I also helped to encourage him to swallow as he had problems swallowing so I had techniques with a spoon which I carried out each day____ help strengthen his swallowing____ As his health deteriorated he went into hospital. I still kept visiting him on the request of his wife to read to him and keep him company. After hospital he went to live in a residential home in Grahamshill Street in Airdrie. And so I continued my work with him right up to his passing. Sorry, pet, would you mind just putting that on my forehead? Just there. That’s right, pet, that’s good. Sorry, pet____ I was aware of all the rumours about him, of course. That he had his waterworks removed in a backstreet operation____ that he was a poofter____ that he had been dismissed from a college in Coatbridge for dalliances with young boys. I made no judgement____ I made no judgement____ I was there to provide succour, a balm for the wounded near the end of their life, not to measure right and wrong____ hold on____ oh sweetheart____ I’m sorry____ I apologise___ ___ I never thought I’d have a career as a carer____ that my life would be dedicated to this sort of thing____ little did I know____ To call it a career may be to elevate it to something it was not. I got occasional caring gigs and in between times I supported myself with part-time bar and restaurant work. And occasional freelance photography commissions. That was something I loved so much____ taking colour photographs____ I loved it so much____ Left school at sixteen with nothing but a C in woodwork____ Went to live in the south of Spain with no idea whatsoever. No clue, how delightful, no vision____ no vision except getting the heck out of here____ Met boys, met girls, worked in an ice cream parlour in Malaga and as a bar manager in a restaurant____ open-air restaurant called The Iron Gates____ what a place____ what a time. The owners were Bulgarian____ who no one knows have the best cuisine in the world, my heart____ which is where I first met Telos and Santiago, my two boys____ my two boys with curly hair and moustaches and floppy caps____ with shades on and smoking cigarettes and I told them____ I don’t know why, to this day I don’t know why____ I told them I was an archaeologist____ a mythologist____ a pagan to boot and they said, baby_____ exactly what they said____ baby you have big eyes and you look like you are Greek. I’m sorry____ can you just fix this pillow for me____ yes____ and if you can just hold me up for a minute____ okay, that’s better____ I’m sorry, where were we? The Greek baby with the big eyes_____ that was me, that was really me____ yes, well, these young boys, these young men, really, these handsome young men, these wild artist types____ they were both members of a street performance group____ Inconcurring Colt, what a name____ Inconcurring Colt____ They said it was named after some small poetry magazine____ Hey doll___ Santiago said_____ that was how they talked, doll-face, baby____ sweet cheeks all the time – hey doll, are you into symbolism? I’m into things meaning things, if that’s what you’re getting at____ Symbolism goes way beyond that____ he said: way beyond the long blank____. I was falling in love with him already____ the language and the eyes, the eyes that I was instantly jealous of____ how can you be jealous of eyes____ Beyond the long blank, that’s a symbol. But a symbol isn’t words____ that’s what he said____ a symbol is a sign outside of language that stands for something____ the way of the gods, the inscrutable way of the gods____ I’m sorry, pet, but could you just____ yes, just there, if you could wipe it____ I’m sorry____ no, I know____ I know____ I’ve been there____ believe me, honey____ He looked me up and down then____ Santiago, Santiago_________ I like to say his name, to form it with my lips, though my lips are cracked and dry___ Santiago_________ he didn’t say anything else____ I cleared their table and walked away____ an exaggerated flick of my hips____ you know____ I saw them come in regularly, late Friday night, the early hours of Sunday morning, a Tuesday afternoon, a Wednesday, a Thursday, it could be any time____ ordering bottle after bottle of wine and sitting there, talking____ the girls on their arms, tragic models, suffering beauties, I remember some of them so well____ though it was just a furtive glimpse, a slow linger at the table____ My boys were never less than charming or seductive even in the company of these young sweethearts_____ young sweet hearts____ my boys were so free and so self-assured and so free so guilt-free____ That was a big thing with me____ guilt____ all my life_____ even now sometimes_____ I need a shot of them or something_____ an inoculation ____ an inoculation against spirit-devouring life as practised in the west coast of Scotland____ I saw a thing in the newspaper____ I read every day in order to brush up on my Spanish____ about a street performance Inconcurring Colt had____ they had instigated it____ and that had got them into a lot of hot water____ and that made them notorious____ I saw the picture of Santiago being led away by the two policemen, his arms behind his back, his head thrown in the air, he was screaming____ so handsome. It looked like a painting____ The action was based around a series of_____ of break-ins. The troupe would go round the city looking for unoccupied holiday rentals and then they would target some suburban family home and using a convoy of vans and helpers____ they would transport all the contents of a single room of the house to an unoccupied apartment in downtown Malaga____ set it up exactly as it had been, only with everything round the other way____ as in the reflection in a mirror____ the reflection of a mirror____ sorry, angel ____ sorry____ ____ ____ sorry____ They post an invite____ then they post an invite through the door of the burgled home inviting the owners to a private view of their own living quarters, don’t you see?
Things went well, people mostly responded positively to it____ believe it or not____ at least once it was explained to them that no harm had been done or anything lost or stolen, except for the odd couple that threatened to press charges____ get the police involved, but on the whole people were fascinated and moved_____ and even repelled, you can imagine it, by entering the uncanny mirror____ the uncanny mirror of their own surroundings____ They would tiptoe around their own homes, regard them with something approaching awe for the first time____ just like it was God’s eyeballs themselves that they were seeing it through____ God’s bulging eyeballs popping out of his head ____ It went too far____ too far when they burgled some high-up government member’s house____ his penthouse suite, and set it up in the middle of a huge abandoned warehouse on the front. Instead of contacting them himself the MP had gone to the authorities____ with the time and date of the private view_____ They were able to bust the troupe on camera and make a big deal about the possibility of secret documents being in the MP’s flat____ it was a breach of national security as well as a criminal act____ blah, blah, blah____ blah, blah, blah, blah, blah____ blah, blah, blah____ Sorry, can you wipe me again, pet, I’m sorry___ sorry____ They got off scot-free in the end, only made them even more attractive, more attractive and more daring. That was the highpoint of their career. By the time I joined____ and I was invited to join by Santiago____ they had become more of a straight street theatre performance group, even down to doing one of those dreadful fire-breathing routines____ fire-breathing routines that the tourist towns are awash with___ Telos left, he said it was becoming bullshit, the Spanish word for bullshit, which escapes me now___ but he spat that word, he spat that word and he marched off____ That was so like him to do something like that____ to march off with a curse____ That was brave, I thought___ ____
Sorry____ let’s stop for a second____ let’s stop for a moment can we, baby____ ____ ____ ____ ____
Santiago got really into dance____ I want to say yes, he argued____ I’m sick of saying no, he
said, of art that says no or against or refuse. And dance of course as we all know is the biggest yes going, the biggest yes out there____ they had these mass dance troupes, these spectacular dance troupes that would be choreographed across a whole area, sometimes a whole park or a whole city block, the length of a beach____ every move relating to the other so that spied from above in a plane or a small helicopter it would have looked probably like one of those kaleidoscopes with constantly shifting shapes, I think____ They had music, lots of cassette players, they would place them all around the event, playing the same tunes but of course out of synch so that the sound would seem stretched and endless____ stretched and endless with whole phrases drawn out____ whole phrases drawn out to the point that you could walk around the block____ you could walk around the block and feel as if you were walking inside this sexy moan____ this endless sexy moan____ It was so fun I became a dancer too____ Sometimes you got funny looks but it was okay, you know, it was okay. For a while we toured up and down the coast of France and Spain. I had a lover, my first full lover, a boy from Granada who everyone called The Rat, he was so tough that if he found a hole in you, no matter how small____ he would tear right through it____ but I was happy with him, at least at first. The love we had was so quiet____ peaceful and otherworldly____ so peaceful I didn’t resent his daytime rodent persona thing____ Dance with a scowl on his face, like it was a showdown or an early-morning duel or something with some kind of real outcome or meaning. It was remarkable to experience____ trying to bore holes in anyone who looks at him and then there’s this music, up close, next to him____ it could have been anything____ the grand design of the choreography there was The Rat dancing____ military vigour___ pop group____ pop music____ pop station____ Spent the nights in tents at campsites____ sleeping rough on the beach, the tall grass with the stars____ a big sand dune and camp in its hollow, in a semicircle____ a gypsy and one day we got horses, Santiago had acquired an eccentric benefactor and we got horses____ The rest of the trip we made our way along country roads____ and mountain passes____ suburban backstreets on horseback, on horseback from one tourist town to the next____ nights when we would camp in the sand dunes and plot our next performance____ Santiago would draw a basic outline across the scene of the crime____ Santiago____ that’s what he called it___ the scene of the crime____ fancy that____ a map and us offering ideas on positions, symbols to be evoked____ smell of horse’s breath, the damp horses, salt sea air____ saliva and silver dew drops as I lay with my head in the lap of The Rat and watched Orion’s Belt pass by so slowly____ The Rat became difficult as we knew he would and began to make his way through me too____ Maybe that’s where it all started, maybe that’s where all of this began____ Any sign of weakness or questioning, anything other than being a crazy maniac who never stops to ask because____ disappointed in you, he would say, disappointed if I complained of being cold on the beach at night___ disappointed if I ever suggested taking a room just for once____ disappointed in the pleasures of an en suite bathroom and me left feeling so guilty___ so terribly guilty about it all______ now of course I look back and he was right and I long to be back under the stars____ in his arms in the stars long ago____ but came back to Malaga____ a private care job, an elderly Swedish man who lived in Spain____ Visit him three times a day to make his breakfast, lunch and dinner. When he went to Sweden I would look after his house and take care of the upkeep until his return____ I did this for two years and on the third year he asked me to live with him in the same house____ He was getting frailer due to a heart attack which he took while in Sweden. I had the responsibility that Lars was taking the correct medication daily____ he was on a lot____ due to his heart condition. I stayed with Lars until he passed away____ ensured that he was buried in accordance with his wishes. I kept up my dancing career but the troupe drifted apart____ The Rat disappeared down some hole and soon I had lost all the friends that I ever had in Spain. I made the decision to move back home. I got off the train at Airdrie and prayed that everyone I had ever known____ in that place where I knew I would die, I just knew it____ was dead and buried already. I put a sign up in the library: Wanted: The Dead and The Dying. Well, not quite____ but I may as well have____ I may as well have done and soon enough I was employed as a carer by Remy’s family. Remy’s father___ his name was Clyde, Clyde Farr___ lived in one of those mysterious backstreets in Airdrie that are still lovely____ old retirees hidden behind high walls____ I turned up late for my first day on the job____ Oh don’t ask don’t ask me about me. The house was set in huge grounds and what would once have been gardens____ grand gardens____ opulent gardens was now a sea of red gravel with the house sat like a cube in the centre like Mecca____ There was an intercom system, Clyde was bedridden by this point, and when I rang the door it sprang open but no one spoke____ Bedroom, upstairs, I’m guessing, up a curving stone staircase. All the while I could make out the sound of laboured breathing_____ the sound of laboured breathing like this____ ____ ____ and there was something reassuring about it, something weird about it anyway and strange too____ I could make out the shape of a figure propped up on pillows in the bed. There was an antiseptic smell. I spied a used bedpan by the side of the bed____ the tools of the trade____ I’m your new carer, I said. How are you feeling today? How the f-u-c-k do you think I’m feeling? he said. That’s what he said! Well, that was marvellous____ that was marvellous to me, said in this ridiculous high voice that almost didn’t sound like it was made by a body. It sounded like a balloon being rubbed. Now, now, I said____ now, now, quickly taking charge___ what you need to do with these hard cases____ you’ll get your blood pressure up if you continue on like that, I said, and I walked over to the bed and put my hand on his head_____ Can you put your hand on my head at this point, my angel? Would you mind terribly? The skin felt stretched and rubbery. Don’t you think? Your skin feels rubbery, I said to him. I’m a rubber doll, he said. I’m a little rubber doll___ I’m a little rubber doll. I’m a space hopper____ You’re not a space hopper, you’re Clyde Farr and I’m your carer, Claire Lune. What do you know about caring for space hoppers, about inflating rubber dolls? Plenty, I said____ plenty. The spoon thing____ you want to know about the spoon thing____ I had a technique, a style. Clyde had trouble swallowing. If I swallow, everything ends in the bowels____ it’s too much. I want my first bite, I want my first bite always. I would put some food on it____ I would put some food on the spoon____ hold open his jaw, I would feel it relax____ you can do it with me, my darling, if you like____ you can feel it relax____ there you go, there you go, feel that, that’s the sign____ He never fought against it____ Then I would put the spoon in his mouth but deep enough____ go on, try it____ don’t be afraid____ so that you almost begin to gag____ agghhh____ it’s okay, that’s alright, pet, you’re doing it right, that’s what’s supposed to happen____ and as I deposited the food down his throat I would play with his uvula, tapping it with the silver of the spoon____ gah, gah, gah____ the handle goes against the top of the mouth____ then you tap____ gah, gah, gah____ there we go, he loved that, sometimes he would giggle like a young boy____ gargle like a young boy____ and he would smile and he would look up at me with his eyes like blank diamonds and his face would contort into an expression of sickly joy____ I thought this is what cavemen looked like____ what cavemen looked like without mirrors. Clyde had been abandoned, for shame____ for shame all day he lay in bed ranting, laughing, rolling around in agony. I would let him listen to his favourite programmes on TV which were Crown Court and Miami Vice____ On special occasion I would take him down in the lift____ been an old boys’ school____ wheel him through the garden and sit together at the gate. Happy times with the wind behind us____ happy times with the wind behind us and the tall trees and out on the street____ returning home from work and school. Howdy, Clyde would say____ a puff of wind, a small leaf on his cheek. I’ve seen it all before, he would say____ peering out from his eyeless sockets there is nothing new under the sun____ but I’ve grown less fond of it, all the same____ cynical about birdsong_
___ my dear child they are little more today than the attempt to imitate car alarms____ and sirens and all sorts of____ monstrous machinery____ monstrous manmade machinery, he would say it like that___ Flatter yourself, go ahead flatter yourself that you are in communion with nature but nature has long fled the scene____ I have heard the last bird. Remy was the only member of the family who visited____ I wasn’t big into my music back then___ but Clyde began asking for music____ real music as he lay writhing in bed____ Remy making tapes for his dying father was like singing a baby to sleep. At first he would play him these long pieces made up of just one sound, it was minimalism___ that’s what they call it____ I later learned. I began to get into the music myself. I was involved with artists and musicians in Spain, after all____ then he told me he was in a group called Memorial Device. At first when I heard it____ to tell you the truth I had to brace myself against the sound. The singer looked like an oversized baby____ he had bare feet on stage____ his feet as well, pale and deathly____ his skin still pale from the womb it was like, his head translucent, his soft crown. His soft crown. Can you rub my head, pet, can you rub my crown, please, angel? Just this once, angel, I’m sorry___ I’m sorry____ I’m sorry. The one on the guitar looked more like a funeral director and they had a girl playing the bass guitar, a beautiful young girl. Mary Hanna was her name. Spending time with Remy and his blind father and attending concerts by Memorial Device my ears opened up____ now I can hear lots of things as music that I would never have been able to before____ ____ ____ Mary came to visit____ to visit Clyde____ quite a few times. She would visit with Remy and Remy and I would sit downstairs while she sat with Clyde upstairs ____ Barely heard them say a word together. Not a word. Once when I could see them through a crack in the door. Clyde was sat up in bed____ Mary was sat next to him, holding his hand. The two of them are staring into space right then. She was an artist, a sculptor____ She took Remy and I in a car and showed us some of her wonderful work where she made pieces in the wild____ left them there. Then Lucas, the singer, died, the singer who looked like an overgrown baby killed himself_____ then Clyde, then Clyde had to go into hospital. When he came out they moved him into a nursing home and I continued with my duties____ continued with my duties until he passed away. Don’t ask me what happened next. Please____ let’s leave it there. I’m sorry____ I’m tired now___ you’ve been a love. I’m sorry. And besides____ besides I don’t believe in twilight, sweetie.