by David Keenan
Appendix C: This Is Memorial Device
– Sri Abergavenny – author of The Precepts, proponent of ‘brain death’, killer of compassion, inventor of ‘whirlpooling’, etc.
– Andrea Anderson – contemporary landscape painter and briefly, once upon a time, Mary Hanna’s lover.
– Ljubljana ‘Lubby’ Athol – one-time star-crossed lover (?) of Richard Curtis and now a well-known human rights lawyer.
– John Bailey – guitarist and the other half of Glass Sarcophagus.
– Akbar Balithi – chess partner to Bruce Cook.
– Beano – rough justice.
– Tom Beatrix – seven inches
– James Begley – drummer in Ultra Violet.
– Mary Bell – Mad Mary Bell, not the child-killer Mad Mary Bell, got kidnapped and didn’t even care.
– Jared Bishop – DJ at legendary Glasgow night Joy of a Toy who never wore no underwear.
– Betty Black – Lucas Black’s mother before she changed her name and disappeared into another life altogether. The thing about Betty Black was she was so tiny it was impossible to imagine Lucas coming out of her, which of course, we found out, that he never did, that really he was The Man from Atlantis. Another thing about Betty Black was that she was spacey and naive and really very sweet. I always remember hanging out with Lucas at home and there were three of us and she came in all pleased with herself and announced that she had got us ‘a carry-out’ that consisted of four beers. That was one and a bit beers each. That was her concept of a carry-out. I wrote to her years later, I found out she was living in Paris, she wrote back, once, but then I never heard from her again.
– Lucas Black – vocalist in Memorial Device, autonomic dreamer.
– Bridget ______ – nine inches
– Alan Brooks – late bassist with The Whinhall Starvers. I had arranged to meet Patty Pierce outside Benny’s in Clarkston just along from the old barber’s where he used to work and when I turned up he was eating a white pudding supper that he had balanced on top of a bin. Somebody threw something at him from a passing car, I saw it happen from a distance, but he didn’t even flinch. Plus he had a book sticking out of his pocket, Under the Volcano by Malcolm Lowry. We walked over to the park and sat in the grass, it must have been the summer, not long after Memorial Device had started, the first summer of the glory years, which would have been 1983, June, I’m guessing, I was always hopeless at labelling my tapes. Patty sat there on the grass, in the blazing sunshine, wearing a battered top hat and a trench coat. It was my second interview with Patty after my first inauspicious one where I had asked him something about the nature of love but even so I don’t seem to have asked a single question beyond my genius opening gambit about what was the idea behind Memorial Device but luckily Patty just kept talking without any encouragement whatsoever. At one point Alan Brooks came over to him, he was trying to buy some hash. I remember he had this ridiculously high voice and he rolled up and he said, Cor I love it when the sun’s out, it’s the best! I still do that impersonation to this day.
– Tom C – ( )
– Manda Candy – porn star from St Andrews.
– Colin Cassidy – lead singer and guitarist for Petersburn mod group The Clarkston Parks. One of the Airdrie faces alongside Mad Mary Bell.
– Mr Chan – owner of a Chinese restaurant in Airdrie who was murdered in unexplained circumstances.
– Boaby Chan – astrologer and son of the owner of a Chinese restaurant in Airdrie who was murdered in unexplained circumstances.
– Stacey Clark – made-up name for a huge real-life pain in the ass.
– Bruce Cook – Buddhist, hippy, martial arts teacher, childhood friend of Big Patty, surrogate guru for Lucas Black, dated Vanity way back in the day.
– Dougie Cartwright – guitarist with Petersburn mod group The Clarkston Parks.
– Valentine Cloutier – Big Patty’s summer love.
– Alan Cunningham – teenage occultist; ‘drummer’ with Chinese Moon; author of (currently unpublished) A Critical History of 20th-Century Minimalism; regular wearer of tracksuit bottoms pulled up to his nipples; current whereabouts unknown. Brother of Findlay.
– Findlay Cunningham – subscriber to Newsweek at the age of fourteen; ‘vocalist’ with Chinese Moon; regular wearer of tracksuit bottoms pulled up to his nipples; Boys’ Brigade leader; charity worker; church leader. Brother of Alan.
– Margot Curtis – mean-spirited gorgeous battleaxe ex-wife of Richard Curtis who looked like Siouxsie Sioux back in the day, seriously.
– Richard Curtis – drummer in Memorial Device. Also played in Meschersmith. Every time I hear that song by Lou Reed, ‘Legendary Hearts’, I think of him, wherever he is. Still, I hope he never reads this book, wherever he is.
– Ronnie Dare – Dominic Hunter’s partner, the sainted Ronnie Dare, who looked like a Puerto Rican street killer.
– Michael Donnelly – gun for hire; lived in the McLaughlin family’s ‘secret annexe’ while kitty-catting Johnny’s dreams.
– The Doug – ‘In 1984 when every cunt was going about with them Frankie Say Relax T-shirts I was going about with one I made myself that said We’re All Frankies – We’re All Lying in Hell. But no cunt got it. I was that far ahead of the curve. By the way.’
– Clyde Farr – Remy’s father, author of ‘Fate is Only Once’.
– Remy Farr – bassist/synthist in Memorial Device. Also one half of naff synth-pop duo Relate who supported Imagination at Zanzibar in Coatbridge, no joke.
– Bobby Foster – Patty’s teenage partner in crime, a serious record nut and the only guy in Airdrie who ever had any cash, which meant everybody was forever tapping him.
– Goosey – bassist in Petersburn mod group The Clarkston Parks scalped by a biker in a fight and it was wigs from there on out which was lucky for the group ’cause previously he had tight curly hair like a snooker player and it ruined the look completely.
– Ray Gordon – three inches
– Duncan Gracie – ‘bassist’ with Chinese Moon whose brother had the best collection of heavy metal LPs in Airdrie.
– Tam Gracie – best collection of heavy metal LPs in Airdrie.
– Colin Grant – vacant tosspot.
– Giles Gordon – the worst music writer on god’s earth.
– Rupert Gower – clueless local journalist, a total square who consistently missed the boat and who one time Remy got up against the wall by his throat.
– Mr & Mrs Grey – early (agog) witnesses to Street Hassle busting moves.
– Mary Hanna – the legendary Mary Hanna; bassist for Memorial Device, member of Dark Bathroom, secret sculptor.
– Dominic Hunter – aka Dom aka Wee Be-Ro aka the other half of Relate.
– Randy Jewels – porn star from Dunoon.
– Alan Jones – drummer with Petersburn mod group The Clarkston Parks. No relation to Paprika.
– Paprika Jones – girlfriend of Lucas Black.
– Scott Kennedy – aka Sore Arse, notorious Airdrie drug dealer.
– David Kilpatrick – ‘guitarist’ with Chinese Moon, currently working as an electrician in Airdrie.
– Lars Kreiger – died in the metaphorical arms of Claire Lune.
– Monica Lawson – one-time Memorial Device archivist; succeeded Miriam McLuskie who was ‘mental’; took some of the most iconoclastic shots of the band and went on to become an established New Age author with her philosophy of ‘walking cures’.
– Claire Lune – performance artist, photographer, cared for Remy’s father as he lay there dying, passed away from cancer herself at the age of forty-nine. Donated her body to science. Hopefully they can make some sense of it all.
– Spike McIver – Mary Hanna’s pal, Street Hassle’s teenage assailant.
– Maya McCormack – played in Dark Bathroom with Mary Hanna; also in The Ladybugs; Street Hassle’s first girlfriend; her dad was the head guy in the post office and by all acc
ounts a good guy to work for but a total sectarian asshole besides; later dated Patty Pierce, what a run.
– Scott McKenzie – Scott McKenzie, what to say about Scott McKenzie? He was the kind of guy who would sit in on a Saturday night with a two-litre bottle of cider and a copy of Motor Mart like it was the highlight of the week. He had no ambitions whatsoever. He was Airdrie’s reigning snooker champ; he got to the Lanarkshire finals but then packed it in because he was ‘tired of the uniform’, whatever that means. His mum worked at the checkout in Safeway in Airdrie and was always apologising for him. He didn’t care. Really he was a dark horse. He was smart and weird. There was a rumour that he slept with Mary Hanna and that they had a secret casual on/off relationship for years. Who knows? Neither of them are giving anything away. When I approached him for the book he said he was only interested in talking about how he met Mary because it had ‘nothing to do with music’. I told him it was a musical history that I was putting together but then he just stopped picking up the phone. Okay, I said to him, okay, I was forced to write to him, in a letter that I hand-delivered to his mum’s house where he still lives to this day, I give in, tell us how you met Mary Hanna. His mum apologised for him not coming to the door himself. He’s on the Motor Mart, she said, I’m sorry. Anyway, he eventually gave us his piece with the stipulation that it couldn’t be edited or changed in any way or he would pull it altogether but when I got back to him and said that I loved it and could he write some more please he went back to ignoring me all over again.
– Johnny McLaughlin – co-author; still crazy after all these years.
– Miriam McLuskie – on/off unofficial tour manager/publicist for Memorial Device, Big Patty’s ‘secret sidekick’, daughter of the late guitarist and vocalist Mack McLuskie whose blues band, Big Mack and the Pack, were a draw in the Lanarkshire area in the 1970s.
– Adam McManus – ex-IRA ex-SAS ex-Special Ops ex-agent provocateur who the fuck will ever know the truth kung fu guru.
– Drew ‘Tusky’ McPherson – crap friend and coward long since sentenced to a lifetime job in a bank with no parole for his sins, what a dick.
– Valerie Morris – childhood sweetheart of Remy Farr.
– Robert Mulligan – instrument inventor from Greengairs who released cassettes under the name Steel Teeth on his own Sufferage Tapes imprint and worked in a hamburger-processing plant in Mount Vernon.
– David Nesbitt – gardener who employed Big Patty and Johnny McLaughlin and who knew nothing about music at all and who came to it like an alien from another planet.
– Teddy Ohm – Edward Thom; biker, pusher, rare record dealer, groover, supplier of historical weaponry to the movie industry and post-apocalyptic plotter.
– Clementine Pape – Johnny McLaughlin’s summer love.
– Sidney Parker – real-life record industry asswipe.
– Yvonne Parker – sister of real-life record industry asswipe.
– Samantha Paytress – violinist and DIY-stockings seductress.
– Patty Pierce – guitarist in Memorial Device; also played in Slave Demographics, Occult Theocracy and Cold Stars.
– Assif Rajar – teen booze connection at the minimart.
– The Rat – Claire Lune’s summer love who found a hole in her heart and went right through it.
– Rodney The Rod – baws like peeled lemons.
– Ross Raymond – me.
– Patrick Remora – poet who had a duo with Big Patty that has been likened to the early Patti Smith/Lenny Kaye duos, also backed by Memorial Device on several occasions. The next Basil Bunting, they said, but beyond falling asleep drunk in Allen Ginsberg’s lap that was as far as he got.
– Samantha ______ – nine inches
– Santiago – gypsy, bohemian, cultural provocateur and founder of Spanish performance troupe Inconcurring Colt.
– Mr Scotia – calligrapher, astronomer, local historian, collector of maps, inveterate sniffer of bouquets.
– Sinew Singer – Airdrie’s answer, Airdrie’s retort, to Elvis and Iggy and everything.
– Simon Sparkles – made-up name for a huge real-life record industry asswipe.
– Peter Solly – aka The Traveller in Black; minimal electronics from Plains with ‘scientific eyes’.
– Richard Starkey – had a solo project called The Beguiled where he dressed up like a cross between Von LMO and Sean Bonniwell of The Music Machine and read his poetry over automating cyborg drum machines and repeating atonal guitar chords. Paprika Jones’s introduction to the music world. A footnote now.
– Jemima Stewart – friend of the sister of real-life record industry asswipe Sidney Parker, ex-stripper, current veterinary surgeon.
– Rod Stilvert – notorious Glaswegian porn entrepreneur; founder of Imaginorg Films and Gamma Productions.
– Street Hassle – notorious Airdrie punk often seen ‘in the winter, in the snow, walking in the gutter with nothing but a cut-off T-shirt and a can of beer in his hand’ or ‘with a cut-up T-shirt and his mum’s fur coat on passed out on a bench next to the cenotaph in Coatdyke and with all of the cars honking as they went past’. Played in Rat Tattoo, Occult Theocracy and Ultra Violet.
– Telos – member of Spanish performance troupe Inconcurring Colt who walked off with a curse when they ‘sold out’.
– Megan Trayner – member of The Ladybugs alongside Maya McCormack.
– Ruth Turner – conceptual artist and founder of Gartlea Gallery of Geomancy and Geographic Speculation (G.G.G.G.S.) who presented Lucas Black’s final recording, The Morning of the Executioners.
– Vanity – porn star, future pop star and one half of Glass Sarcophagus. Briefly dated Lucas Black.
– Richard Warden – nine inches
– Regina Yarr – hot mess and proof that Remy Farr wasn’t gay or at least bi.
Appendix D: A Navigational Aid
[[[]]], 1
( ), 1
(. . ,), 1
0.111111111, 1
2 (a.m.), 1
3 (shoe size), 1
7 (”), 1
7 (-Up), 1
13th (Floor Elevators, The), 1, 2
18 (-year-old), 1
23rd (Precinct, Glasgow), 1
24 (hours a day), 1, 2
24/7, 1
40 (Greatest Hits), 1
100 (pounds), 1
120 (miles an hour), 1
333 (edition of), 1
1916, 1
1920s (years of snakes), 1
1940s (years of snakes), 1
1941 (June), 1
1960, 1, 2
1960 (Vespa), 1
1965, 1
1969 (December), 1
1970s (crash pad), 1
1971 (April), 1
1973, 1, 2
1977, 1
1978 (formation of Rat Tattoo), 1
1979 (summer holidays), 1, 2
1983 (summer of), 1
15,000 (pounds), 1
111111111.0, 1
a hundred (miles an hour), 1
a little, 1
a man under sentence of death, 1
A Negative Incident Abroad: Mussolini’s Tired Young Halfwit Tongue Lolls, 1
A Night Is a Morning That You Hasten to Light, 1
a rose that flutters every time a single drop of dew falls on it, 1
Abominable Snowman, The, 1
Abrams, Muhal Richard, 1
Abuja, Nigeria, 1
AC/DC, 1
acne, 1
acting gobby, 1
actions, as eternal and forever, 1
Actuel (BYG), 1
Acuff and Rose bullshit, 1
‘Adherence’, 1
Adidas T-shirt, skintight, 1
adoption, 1
adverts, fake pastiche crap, 1
adverts for jeans, soundtrack to, 1
Africa, 1
After Eight mints, 1
agent provocateur, 1
agghhh …, 1
Airdrie, 1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55
Airdrie, full of ghosts, 1
Airdrie, mysterious backstreets in, 1
Airdrie & Coatbridge Advertiser, 1, 2
Airdrie Academy, 1, 2
Airdrie Arts Centre, 1, 2, 3
Airdrie Baths, 1
Airdrie Library, 1, 2
Airdrie Savings Bank, legend of, 1
Airdrie’s spiritual father (for sure), 1
ajna chakra, 1
Alexandra Parade, Glasgow, 1
alignments, 1
‘All I Really Want to Do’, 1
Altamont, resembling, 1
amateurs, serious, 1
ambiguous term, 1
amnesia, 1, 2
amniotic night, the, 1
amplified single metal string instrument built with dustbin lids, 1
amputees, 1
ancient god of thunder, 1
angel, in heaven, 1, 2
angel fish, 1
angelic demeanour, 1
ankle boots, 1, 2
Anne of Green Gables, 1
anti-abortion video (gross), 1
anxiety, 1, 2
any old music will do, 1
apocalypse, 1
April, ides of, 1, 2, 3
aquarium, drowned in a lit-up, 1
archaeologist, 1
armada of singed skulls and rotting corpses, 1
Arran (in the autumn), 1
Artaud, Antonin, 1, 2
Artist, 1
Artist, The, 1
as above, so below (the old maxim), 1
Ascension, 1
Ashdod, 1
ashes, 1, 2
ashtray, 1, 2, 3
ass crack, 1
assault and battery, 1
asshole (Manda’s), 1
Associates, The, 1
ASTRA (Association in Scotland To Research into Astronautics), 1
Astral Weeks, 1
astrology, 1, 2
astronomers, oddest, 1
Atlantis, 1
atoms (that keep us apart), 1, 2
attraction (and repulsion), 1
audience (impromptu), 1
Autonomic Dreaming, 1, 2