“Well, I have a confession to make,” he said.
“Okay…”
“This isn’t as easy for me as I might make it seem, either. I never want you to worry about me while you’re trying to focus on school. So I downplay how much I miss you, too.”
I clutched the phone to my chest for a moment. “Well, aren’t we just perfect together?”
That night, I slept more soundly than I had in a long time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
* * *
NOAH
I kept meaning to pay Olivia a visit, to congratulate her and her husband on the birth of their daughter. But I never quite knew if Kirk appreciated my presence. No man is going to be completely comfortable around his wife’s ex-husband. So I figured I would give it time, give them a little space before going over there.
One morning, though, Olivia called to tell me she was in the neighborhood for a pediatrician visit. She wanted to know if I was around to meet the baby. I told her to stop by.
It took my breath away for a moment to see her standing in the doorway with a little human strapped to her chest.
“This is Sam.” She smiled.
Sam had thick dark hair and looked just like her mother. Olivia and I had been through so much together—seeing this lifelong dream of hers come to fruition made me a little emotional.
“Hey, cutie pie.” Sam looked up at me and immediately started crying.
“Uh-oh. I swear, I’m none of the things your mom said about me on the way over here.”
Olivia chuckled. “She’s just cranky because she got some shots.”
“Ah.” Peeking in at her some more, I rubbed the back of my finger along her head. “She’s really precious, Liv.”
“Thank you.”
After the baby calmed down, she asked, “Would you like to hold her?”
“Sure. Yeah,” I said, rolling up my sleeves. The only babies I’d ever held were my niece and nephews. It had been a while.
My heart felt full as she placed the infant in my arms. It was surreal to be holding Liv’s child. I really was so damn happy for her. She’d always wanted to be a mother. A sort of relief came over me—that I hadn’t wasted any more of her time, that she was able to build a new life after our marriage and have a child before it was too late. What I wasn’t expecting to feel, though, was a bit of envy—not because I wished to be the father of this baby, but because I longed for one of my own. I’d never wanted a child while I was married to Olivia. In fact, that lack of desire was one of the factors that ultimately led to our divorce.
But right now, as I held this precious, red-faced little angel, I realized maybe I did want to be a parent. And I knew the reason for my change of heart had everything to do with meeting the person I wanted to share that with.
It wouldn’t be anytime soon—not even close. Heather wasn’t ready. But maybe someday.
Holy shit.
Listen to yourself, Noah.
“You’re a natural,” Olivia said. “I never thought I’d think that, but you totally are.”
“She’s making it easy for me. And she’s beautiful like her mother.”
“Thank you.” Olivia rubbed her hands together and looked around my living room. “So, how are you? I haven’t had a chance to talk to you much with everything that’s been going on since Sam was born.”
After I returned from New Hampshire, I’d been reluctant to tell Olivia about Heather and me; I didn’t think she’d understand. I hadn’t felt like listening to her judgmental comments. She had advised me against going to New Hampshire in the first place, so to admit I’d gotten involved with Opal’s sister romantically? Olivia would shit a brick. I didn’t want to lie to her, though, so I’d ended up admitting what happened soon after I’d returned. She remained very skeptical.
“Things have been really good, actually,” I told her.
Little Sam had fallen asleep in my arms.
Olivia walked to the corner of the room and lifted a frame off my desk. “This is her?”
I’d framed one of the shots I’d taken of Heather the night she’d worn the red dress—the night I’d first lost my shit and kissed her.
“Yes. That’s Heather,” I said, continuing to rock the baby as I walked over to Olivia.
She held the frame in her hands. “She’s gorgeous.”
I cringed, because I knew exactly what Olivia was thinking—that I’d become smitten because of Heather’s looks and there wasn’t any substance to our relationship. I could never make her understand the connection we had, and any effort to convince her she was wrong would likely be futile. Plain and simple, she didn’t know Heather.
Olivia placed the photo back on the desk. “I hope you know what you’re doing. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“You don’t need to worry about that,” I said.
“I just think back to myself at twenty. I didn’t know my ass from my elbow.”
“She’s twenty-one—twenty-two in a few months.” I laughed under my breath because I knew that didn’t make a lick of difference in her eyes.
“Oh, excuse me,” she mocked. “Well, you know what I mean.”
“Look, I might have agreed with you before I got to know her. In fact, I believed for a very long time that there was no chance for us because of her age. But people—they’re not one size fits all.”
Olivia nodded. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just wonder if you might be better off with someone closer to our age at this point in your—”
“I’m not in love with someone closer to our age. I’m in love with her. So…”
“Love?” Olivia repeated.
Shit. I was shocked that it had come out so easily, but it had.
“Yes. I didn’t plan on this. It just happened.”
I could have gone on and on, but I didn’t want to insult Olivia by admitting I hadn’t ever experienced what I felt for Heather before.
I needed to nip this conversation in the bud.
“I was a shitty husband to you,” I told her. “I still live with a lot of guilt over that. I really did think there wasn’t any hope for me. But Heather awakened something. The future seems brighter. She could kick my ass to the curb tomorrow, and I’d still be a changed man—not that I want that to happen. I want to be with her, and I want to be the type of man she deserves. I feel like I can admit this to you now, because you’ve found the person you were meant to be with. I hope we can both be happy, Liv.”
She searched my eyes. “Just because I’m happy with Kirk doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to see you in love with someone else, you know. I’ve never seen you like this—certainly not with me—and that stings a little. But I’ll have to get over that, because ultimately, Noah, I want you to be happy, too. I mean that. I hope this isn’t infatuation on her part, because you deserve the real thing.”
“Thank you.”
She looked down at the baby, still asleep in my arms. “Well, we’d better get going. I’m gonna need to feed her soon.”
I carefully handed Sam back to her mother. “Thank you for coming by.”
“I’m glad you got to meet her. I’ll call you soon.”
She’d started to walk away when I called after her. “You’re doing a great job, Liv. Sam is really lucky you’re her mom. I’m proud of you.”
Olivia turned and gave me a wobbly smile. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
After she left, I thought about what she’d said. A part of me had expected things to change when Heather went away to school. In fact, I’d been bracing for it. But after nearly eight months apart, we’d grown closer. The best part of every day was our nightly phone call. I had tried to give her space, but the more I pulled back, the more she sought me out. Physical absence had somehow made our relationship even more solid. Our conversations were deeper, more intimate. I wanted her more each day and was bursting at the thought of seeing her again. I knew it had to be soon, or I was going to lose my mind. Du
ring Christmas, I’d gone to visit my mother and brother in Minnesota. Then, during her spring break, she’d gone home to visit Alice, and I’d stayed here. She’d been begging me to come to Vermont. I could have gone to visit her but had specifically stopped myself in an effort to give her the space I’d thought she needed. But I had started to think my efforts were in vain. I missed the hell out of her. It was time.
Jesus. I’d just admitted my love for Heather to my ex-wife but never to Heather herself. I’d held that in long enough. Telling her I loved her was long overdue.
It was the middle of the day, and I was pretty sure she was in class. Still, I wondered if she’d pick up if I called. The need to get this off of my chest felt urgent.
To my disappointment, the phone just kept ringing. When her voicemail picked up, I left a message.
“Hey, baby. It’s me.” Scratching my head, I said, “I, uh, guess you’re in class. Figured that would be the case but thought I’d give it a try. Anyway, I have something important I need to say to you. So when you get home, give me a call. It can’t wait till the regular time. Hope you’re having a good day. Talk to you later.”
I reached over to the framed photo of Heather.
I’m a damn lucky man.
Feeling antsy, I decided to do some much-needed food shopping since I didn’t have any work scheduled. Bonnie was due to have her babies anytime now, and in the meantime, she was eating double. I needed to replenish my supplies.
The supermarket was pretty crowded for the middle of the day. I laughed when “Young Girl” by Gary Puckett and The Union Gap came on as I rolled down the frozen aisle. The guy in the song is warning the girl to stay away from his old ass. That was ironic as hell—especially since my father used to tease my mother with that very same song. Instead of letting the song freak me out, I decided to take it as a blessing from the universe.
The checkout line was long, and I felt a headache begin to pound. It had been lurking all day, but finally moved to the forefront.
The old man in front of me started a conversation about how vegetables give him gas. He must have thought I could relate given all of the roughage I was purchasing for the guinea pigs. Rubbing my temples, I admitted that all the greens were actually for my pets. Undeterred, he asked me some questions about that.
I tried to answer, but it became difficult to make sense of what he was saying. Finally, I just drew a blank.
A rush of dizziness washed over me, and everything went black.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
* * *
HEATHER
There was no answer when I called Noah back. His message had me curious. Had he thought better of where things were going with us? Was he having doubts? What on Earth did he need to talk to me about that couldn’t wait until our evening phone call?
When the phone rang a little while later and I saw it was him, my heart sped up a bit.
With a smile on my face, I answered. “Hey!”
My stomach dropped at the sound of a baritone voice I didn’t recognize.
“Is this Heather?”
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“This is Neil Cavallari, Noah’s father.”
Noah’s…father?
“Oh. Hi. Where’s Noah? Is everything okay?”
His voice was shaky. “I’m afraid not. Noah collapsed while out shopping today. The doctors think he has a ruptured aneurysm.”
It took a few seconds for his words to compute. “Excuse me? What?”
“They just took him into surgery. We don’t know—”
“He’s alive?”
“Yes.”
My heart started beating again.
His words were all jumbled. “They don’t know how much damage was done to his brain. We won’t know anything until he’s out of surgery. I wish I could tell you more, but there’s no news yet. I know how much you mean to him. They gave me his phone, and I found your number.”
I felt frozen. I couldn’t speak.
“Are you there?” he asked.
“Yes…”
“They expect the surgery to last about five hours. He just went in. They can’t tell me anything until it’s over.”
Five hours. I have five hours to get there.
“Will you text me the address? I need to get on the next plane.”
“Yes, of course.”
Somehow I got off the phone with him, though I wasn’t sure I even said goodbye. Ming walked in and saw the frozen look on my face.
“Are you okay?”
I silently shook my head.
“What happened?”
Barely able to get a word out, I muttered, “Noah…”
“Oh my God. What’s wrong?”
Everything came out in fragments. “He…I…need to get on a plane. I need a ticket. He’s in surgery. Aneurysm. I can’t—”
“Okay. Calm down. It’s okay. Just tell me which airport?”
I rubbed my temples. “Uh…Philadelphia.”
“I’m calling right now. Grab your stuff.”
I ran to my chest of drawers and threw clothes into a tote.
Ming rushed me downstairs where her father was waiting in the car normally used for food delivery. It smelled like crab rangoon and egg rolls.
She kept ordering him to drive faster. “Hurry!”
That was the only thing I understood because everything else was spoken in Chinese.
“When does the flight leave?” I finally managed to ask.
“An hour from now.”
I felt her hand on my back, rubbing. What would I be faced with when I got to Pennsylvania? I couldn’t accept anything less than Noah being absolutely okay. He was my strength, my rock—my entire world.
I couldn’t let my mind go to the dark side. I needed to be there. I needed to be strong for him.
After Ming’s father parked the car at the drop-off area, I expected her to say goodbye. Instead she grabbed my hand and prompted me to run with her. “Come on.”
“You don’t have to come with me. I can board myself.”
“Are you kidding? I’m not letting you go to Pennsylvania alone.”
She’s coming with me?
“You don’t even have a bag.”
“I don’t need one. Come on.”
“Thank you,” I breathed, overwhelmed by her gesture.
“Of course.”
We managed to board the plane in the nick of time. When the engines roared, it was the first moment I could breathe. I was on my way to him. Ming grabbed my hand as we took off, and once again I thanked my lucky stars that I didn’t have to go through this by myself.
As I stared out at the night sky from thousands of feet in the air, I tried not to think the worst. I tried not to focus on the fact that I knew damn well that aneurysms were bad news. In high school, I’d lost my beloved music teacher to one. But that wasn’t going to happen to Noah. No. No. It couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to think about that.
Focus on the raindrops on the window. Focus on the sound of the juice cart being wheeled down the aisle. Focus on the feel of Ming’s hand.
***
The hospital was about a thirty-minute drive from the airport. I’d done a good job of not focusing on the negative while on the plane, but things felt different now that I was on land again. I wanted to be better prepared for whatever I might find, so I made the mistake of Googling aneurysms on my phone in the car.
Fifteen percent of patients die before ever reaching the hospital.
Four out of seven people will have disabilities.
Even if people survive a rupture, there’s a chance of re-bleeding. Approximately seventy percent of those people die.
My phone fell out of my hands, and I felt myself hyperventilate.
Ming held on to me. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.”
“Nothing can happen to him,” I cried.
I kept wanting Ming to tell me everything was going to be okay, but she never did. I knew she didn’t want to promise something she
couldn’t guarantee.
When we got to the hospital, Ming did all of the talking to find out where we needed to go. As we entered the surgical waiting area, I realized I didn’t even know what Noah’s dad looked like. Just when I was about to text Noah’s phone, someone called my name.
“Heather?”
I turned around to find an older man with Noah’s big brown eyes staring back at me—eyes that looked red from crying.
“Yes!” I cried. “Hi.”
“No news yet. He’s still in surgery,” he said as he pulled me in for a hug.
His warmth was comforting. So relieved to finally be here, I expelled a breath. At least nothing had changed for the worse. There was still hope.
“Are you alone?” I asked him.
“Yes. Noah’s mother and brother are flying in from Minneapolis, but they won’t get here for another few hours.”
It broke my heart that he’d been waiting here by himself.
“Oh, um…this is my friend Ming. She accompanied me here.”
“Hi,” he said.
Ming smiled. “Pleasure to meet you.” She turned to me. “I’m gonna find a bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
After she left, I faced Mr. Cavallari again. The look of fear in his eyes was enough to shatter whatever protective mechanisms I’d been using thus far. I could feel my tears creeping in.
Judge Judy was playing on the television mounted on the wall. Her abrasive tone was particularly agitating, given my state.
“We have to stay positive.” Noah’s dad took my hands in his. “Do you believe in prayer?”
“In all honesty, I grew up without religion and never prayed much. But I’ve prayed non-stop since leaving Vermont. It’s almost instinctual, just desperate wishes for anyone up there who will listen.”
“Good.” He nodded. “Keep it up.”
“I will.” I paused, my emotions bubbling over. “Mr. Cavallari, Noah is everything to me.”
Still holding my hands, he said, “You mean so much to him. When he talks about you, his entire being lights up, like I’ve never seen before.”
When August Ends Page 21