Grant seemed barely in control of his body.
“The stick’s over there.” He waved an arm that seemed nearly liquefied to a place beside the doors. “It works pretty good.”
She turned and searched for it. There it was. A large stick. More like a limb.
“This is fucking insane,” she said. “I love it.”
Grant put his hands on his hips, took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. He was breathing heavily and Lena wondered if he wasn’t hyperventilating or having a panic attack or something.
“Trust me,” he said. “This’ll keep it from getting a lot more insane.”
She approached him and cocked the limb back. “Do I just . . .?”
He took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on her.
“Just watch my eyes,” Grant said. “You should know when to start. If you wait until the right time, I won’t feel a thing. If you wait too long, don’t hold me responsible for anything that happens.”
Lena didn’t know what any of that meant but, hey, she was here, wasn’t she? What about the last twenty-four hours made any sense whatsoever? What about her life made any sense?
No. She tried to pause her thoughts. Now was not the time to get all existential. Whatever Grant was talking about was something he took seriously. She had to respect that. These guys had respected her teen girl madness. They’d stuck by her. She could go home to countless people ready to indulge any of her ridiculous notions, both professionally and personally, so who was she to question Grant’s wishes.
And there was that part of her that was excited about this.
Then she saw what Grant was talking about.
She saw the shift.
One second she was looking into Grant’s panicked brown eyes and the next . . . she didn’t really know what she was looking at. She acted before she could think about it too much because, for a second, she thought she was looking into the eyes of the man she’d been searching for all these years. Waiting a moment longer would mean complete lethargy and hypnosis.
She swung the stick forward and smacked Grant’s left arm with it. She got into a better position and hit him across the torso, brought the stick back and took a deep breath. Looking at Grant made her think of watching someone filled with serpents or the way voodoo possessions were depicted in movies. Someone who had no control over his body.
She hit him again, this time across his upper legs, and thought, No, that’s not exactly right. It wasn’t like he had no control over his body. It was like he was fighting something within himself. He was almost to the point of being a person who was out of control of his functions, but there was still something restrained about it.
What was it? she wondered. Some form of epilepsy or something? She’d heard he hadn’t been quite right since the crash but she didn’t think it was this bad. Had he been like this all these years?
She struck him again and again, breathing hard now, working up a light sweat and definitely aroused.
She had forgotten to ask him an important question: When should she stop? Had he mentioned that? She couldn’t remember.
Blood seeped through his shirt and pants and finally he dropped to the patio stones.
She turned to look back at the sliding doors to see Shawn and Edward standing there, drinks in hand. She gave them a questioning look and they both just shrugged.
She kept hitting Grant until he rolled over onto his back and said, “Okay. Okay. Stop,” just as she was ready to send the stick crashing over him again.
She sank down to her knees next to Grant and rubbed her fingers through his beard. She felt weird and wrote it off to the history between them. She felt genuine affection for him, what a parent must feel for a child, something she hadn’t really felt for another person in nearly as long as she could remember, if ever. If it was something she’d ever felt, she’d done her best to tamp it down.
“I’m sorry,” she said, on the brink of tears.
“It’s what had to be done,” Grant said.
“Do you need anything?”
“I just need to lie here for a few minutes. Go on in.”
She leaned over him and kissed his sweaty forehead.
Grant smiled, his eyes closed, and said, “Thanks. That’s nice. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that.”
Lena stood, wondering what he meant by ‘that’ and thought maybe it was just the affection he’d been talking about.
She stood and went inside to join the others.
NINE
Shawn surveyed the impressive beer selection in the large refrigerator and came away with an IPA from a brewery, presumably local, he’d never heard of before. He turned when he heard Lena come in through the doors.
“Have fun?” He popped the top off the bottle and tossed it into what he assumed was a recycling bin.
“It was horrifying,” she said breathlessly. “Who wants to take advantage of a vulnerable woman?”
She leaned against the island, her eyes bouncing between Edward and Shawn.
“Huh?” Shawn said.
“Don’t play dumb. Which one of you pathetic middle-aged lushes wants to fuck me?”
“I’m married,” Shawn said.
“And how’s that working out for you,” she said. “Besides, that’s not what I asked.”
Edward didn’t say anything.
“I don’t think it’s a very good idea,” Shawn said.
“What about you?” she barked at Edward.
He focused really hard on his tumbler of gin and tonic, still not saying anything.
Lena picked up a piece of cheese from a plate on the island and hurled it at him. It struck him dead center in the forehead. He looked up.
“What the fuck?”
“Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me.”
“I agree with Shawn. It’s not a good idea.”
She moved closer to him. “Come on. I know you wanted it all those years ago. Don’t you want to finally know what you were missing out on? We’ve both had a lot of practice. It might actually be good.”
“It wasn’t a good idea then and it’s an even worse idea now.”
“You both want to fuck me? Is that it? Because that would be okay too.”
Shawn set his beer down on the island. “I think if anything like that were to happen, we would all regret it.”
“Speak for yourself,” Lena said. “I regret my whole fucking life. What’s one more thing going to hurt?”
“I think you’re just . . . a little worked up right now. We’re all exhausted. I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room before we can really do anything.”
Lena moved over to the chair formerly occupied by Grant and plopped down onto it, looking crestfallen.
“It’s because I slept with Lucas, isn’t it?” she said.
Shawn and Edward were silent.
“I mean, come on, that’s really the ‘elephant in the room’, isn’t it? Lucas Wyatt. That’s when everything changed between us. We were tight, right? We spent every weekend together. Hell, almost every weeknight too. Sometimes me and Edward would get a little too stoned or drunk and mess around but we never did anything.”
“We never did anything because we knew that would be the end of it.”
“But why?”
“Things would have changed.”
“Jealousy? Who else wanted to fuck me?”
Shawn chuffed out a laugh. “I was madly in love with you, Lena. Pretty sure Grant was too.”
“Is that why you let me hang around you guys? Because you all wanted to fuck me?”
“I think it’s more complicated than that,” Shawn said. “And, in short, no, it’s not why we hung around with you. I don’t know that Grant ever wanted to fuck anything. It’s just . . .” Another nervous laugh forced its way out. “At the time, for us, you were probably the elephant in the room.”
“Is that what you talked about when I wasn’t around? What you guys wanted to do to me?”
Shawn paused. �
��No. We weren’t like that. You were one of us. I’m just saying, if given the opportunity, none of us would have passed it up. Or, if we would have, it would have been because we didn’t want to hurt the other guys’ feelings. Not because we didn’t want to. Come on, you had to have known that. You had your pick of us and chose not to take it. If any of us had started bringing boyfriends or girlfriends around, it would have changed things. You know that. Besides, I don’t remember you telling us what you would do with Lucas. It’s kind of the same thing.”
“It’s not the same thing. Lucas wasn’t one of us.”
“Regardless. We had a chemistry. Once something else was introduced into that chemistry, it changed. Things don’t stay the same forever.”
“And yet, here we are,” Lena said.
She reached over, grabbed Shawn’s bottle of beer, and took a swig from it.
“Well,” she said, “thanks for talking me down, I guess.”
“Didn’t you say you were married too?” Shawn said.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lena replied.
The sliding doors swooshed open and Grant came staggering in.
“You okay, man?” Shawn asked.
“My leg hurts pretty bad.”
Edward stood up from the table. He looked shaky and pale.
“Sorry to crap out so early, but I think I’m gonna turn in,” he said.
Grant looked stunned and hurt. “But we have so much we need to do.”
“It’s been a really long day for me and I’m pretty fucking tired.”
“But . . . that’s perfect for what we need to do,” Grant said.
“Why are we here?” Edward said. “Do you mind telling us that? Because, I have to be honest, I’ve never gone to any high school reunions because I haven’t had the desire and while I truly do love all you guys, I haven’t talked to any of you in forever. I’ve kind of moved on. Maybe you need to do the same.”
“Have you ever asked yourself why?” Grant pulled out the chair across from Edward and sat down. “Have you ever wondered why none of us has ever communicated with each other? It’s been real easy the past fifteen years or so but, no, you’re right, not a single MySpace or Facebook or MyFace friend request or message. Before that, not even an email. Nothing. Radio silence.”
Edward sat back down, shoulders slumped in resignation. “Why now?”
“Good question,” Grant said. “Think about it, though. Are we all here?”
Edward shrugged and said, “Yeah.”
“So why any other time? That’s your answer. You buy new shoes because the old ones wear out or you want a new pair. You don’t ask yourself, ‘Why am I buying this pair of shoes?’”
Lena interjected and said, “Actually, sometimes I do have to ask myself that.”
“Okay, so that was a poor example.”
Edward stood back up. “Christ, fuck this. Fuck your examples, Grant. You’re full of shit. You’ve always been full of shit. We’re here because it’s convenient for you. That’s it. You put out the call. We came.”
“You’re kind of right,” Grant said. “But who else found him?”
“Who the fuck are you talking about?”
“Lucas Wyatt.”
“Who the fuck cares about Lucas-fucking-Wyatt? I stopped caring a couple decades ago. I think you should stop caring too. Fucking move on.”
“I can’t.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“None of us can.”
“See? More cryptic bullshit. Have you ever thought that the reason you were so obsessed with Lucas was because you wanted to be just like him? We haven’t talked about what happened after high school but I think I can imagine what you were up to, right? I mean, you never left Twin Springs the last I heard. What were you doing? Living out at your parents’ house in the winter. Maybe in a tent in the woods in the summer. Luring high school kids in so you had someone to drink and smoke pot with and, hey, if there happened to be a cute girl among them, why not take advantage of her too? That’s power, right? All those kids thinking you’re just the coolest person in the world and you have to exploit that before it rubs off and they realize you’re just a deadbeat loser. Is that what it was like, Grant?”
“Oh world-weary Edward,” Grant said. “You’ve got it all locked down, huh? One: you are not correct. Two: do you think just because you moved around while you were doing it that it made you any different?” Then Grant stood and said, “Let’s go build a fire, huh? Just like old times?”
Edward threw his arms out in disgust. “Jesus, it’s like you haven’t even listened to a fucking thing I’ve said.”
Shawn said, “I think a fire sounds like a great idea.”
“I’m in,” Lena said.
“Fuck you all,” Edward said. “Go have your little fire. I’m going to get some rest. Have a great 1993.” He turned and looked at Grant and said, “I’m not like that. I’m just . . . not.”
TEN
Lena, Shawn, and Grant sat around the modest fire.
“Fire is good.” Grant turned to Lena. “If you see it happening again, all you have to do is hold me close to it. That should be enough to beat it back.”
“What is it?” Lena asked. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I’ll get there. It’s a long story, kind of. But you were all there in the beginning.”
“Is there a cure? Can it be fixed?” Shawn asked.
“That’s what we’re here to figure out.”
“I thought it started with the car crash, but it started with Lucas, didn’t it?” Shawn said.
“There you go,” Grant said.
“Jesus,” Lena said, exasperated. “I’m sorry I fucked Lucas, okay? I didn’t think it would be so catastrophic.”
Grant held out a placatory hand. “It would have happened one way or the other. At least, I think it would have.”
“I feel so out of the loop,” Shawn said.
“You’re not. If you were there that night, which I know you were, you’re part of it.”
“What night?”
“The night before the accident. The last night you thought everything was perfect. Exactly twenty-five years ago today.”
Shawn took a sip of his beer and sniffed. “I think that’s an oversimplification.”
“How so?” Grant said.
“Well, I mean, being involved in a bad accident is going to make anyone, especially a seventeen-year-old, more aware of his mortality. Does being aware of your own mortality make life less perfect? Personally, I felt like it was an awakening. I felt . . . kind of charged by it. I took life more seriously. I could see how that might have made me seem more morose to some people but, at least inwardly, I had newfound admiration for the beauty of life. I tried to appreciate each day after that.”
“And do you still have that?”
“I don’t know.” Shawn paused. “I mean, I’ve gotten older. I’m middle-aged. Lexi and I lost a baby a few years ago. Things could . . . probably be better between us. I’ve never made a lot of money. There are a lot of things I’ve wanted to do but haven’t had the chance so, yeah, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little worn down on some days but, you know, for the most part, I’m still happy to be alive. I’ve got Lexi, books, beer, good company most nights. I guess I’m a simple person.”
Lena snorted. “You have delusions is what you have.”
“What do you mean?”
“You just said you’ve got Lexi but she left your ass and now you’re sitting here like nothing has happened. If that was someone I cared about, I wouldn’t be sitting here. I would have been out the fucking door looking for her.”
“Maybe she just needs her space. She’s moved back in with her parents a couple of times since we’ve been together. Besides, Lena, have you ever cared that much about anything? I mean, I thought the whole soulless, heartless thing was just an act—like something to guard yourself against real feelings—when we were teenagers but now that I see you haven’t change
d I have to wonder if that’s not just really you.”
Lena threw up her arms. “Yeah, I’m fucked up, Shawn. I’ve never pretended otherwise. And, no, you’re right, if I were in your situation, there’s no fucking way I’d go looking for her. So maybe you’re more like me than you want to admit.”
“We’re all a little fucked up,” Grant said. “Actually, a lot fucked up, probably.”
“I’m not denying that, guys,” Shawn said. “Everyone’s fucked up. In fact, if you meet someone who claims not to be fucked up, that’s probably the most fucked up person in the room. I’m not trying to be that guy. But I don’t think you can trace everything back to a single incident.”
“Okay,” Grant said. “Maybe you’ve missed the point. What you’re talking about are things that everyone deals with. I’m not saying we would be some magical creatures who never had to experience real life if that night never happened.”
“I guess I’m not sure what you’re saying then.”
“What I’m saying is if that night never happened then we wouldn’t have come here to die tonight.”
Just as Shawn was about to question him on that, Grant slumped to the side and Lena flew into action.
She stood in front of him, holding both of her hands around one of his wrists and staring intently into his face. Then she yanked the hand toward the fire and Shawn watched silently, thinking it was one of the most insane things he’d seen. He didn’t even know if it was real. It could have been Grant being dramatic. This whole thing could just be Grant being dramatic, putting on a show for some attention. It was like every religious service he’d been to as a child, all the friends he’d met in his adult life that were into things like Wicca and metaphysics. There seemed to be a lot of ritual, a lot of talking about stuff, but never any physical manifestations of anything. Never, to him, anything that wouldn’t have fit comfortably into the realm of psychological programming.
This was further confirmed to Shawn when, just as Grant’s hand was held close to the fire for about as long as anyone could stand it, he raised his other hand and said, “Okay! Okay!” and Lena whipped him back, almost like they’d rehearsed it.
Irrationalia Page 5