The Run Around

by Bernadette Franklin

  “Yes, how dare you have ethics, Miss Hope Kensingvale?”

  “I’ve been very bad. Also, now that I know how much Juliette Carter’s clothing costs, I’ve developed a complex. I can’t tell if I want to wear the clothes every day until they are held together by scraps of thread, if I should limit each one to no more than once a month to make sure they last, or just crawl into my closet and cry. I grew the courage to check how much those purses sell at retail. The cheapest one was two thousand dollars.”

  “According to El, they are the best purses, made by a woman for women, and they’ll last forever if you treat them right. If you don’t know how to treat them right, talk to Juliette. She’ll help you. And if one needs to be repaired, she can handle it. If it can’t be repaired, she will hold a proper funeral for the purse and help you find a replacement.”

  “That I can afford,” I muttered.

  “Relax, Hope. You’ve been doing great with the wedding planning. You gave those busybodies an opportunity to get the majority of their complaining out of the way, and you drew lines they aren’t stupid enough to cross. Ed is pretty damned happy with you, and Ed is a tough one to please. By setting him as the final line, fewer people are bothering El about the wedding, and since everyone has figured out you’re not going to say yes after you’ve said no, it’s going to go a lot better than most of our weddings.”

  My brows shot up at that. “You have got to be kidding me.”

  “Hope, the last time we had a wedding, we went through five wedding planners in the first three months before my aunt found an old goat who was deaf in one ear and didn’t speak English to handle the preparations. When only the bride could speak the wedding planner’s language, things went far more smoothly. It turns out the old goat could actually speak English, but my aunt had told her to play dumb to stop the bullshit. That wedding turned into a double wedding, because who wants to go through that sort of nightmare more than necessary?”

  “You have double and triple weddings because the guests are demons disguised as humans, don’t you?”

  “I’d be offended, but it’s really true. My family instigates because they have opinions, and they think their birth rank entitles them to have their opinions listened to. You’re great because you literally don’t give a shit about the circumstances of their birth. El loves it. You have the entire guest list, and you don’t even care who they are.”

  “They are a number on a card that I sometimes match with their actual name, because dealing with numbers makes things easier,” I confessed.

  Rick spluttered. “You gave everyone on the guest list a number?”

  “Yes. And I reference their name with their number, but when I’m handling most of the arrangements, I just work with the numbers. Numbers are easy. People are hard. When I’m working with just numbers, I don’t tend to think about which guest was a jerk, and it’s easy to keep things fair. I’m very careful to make sure the numbers are properly matched, and the important issues are dealt with. None of the dishes have any actual allergens, don’t ask me what we went through to make sure Guest #278’s Celiac disease doesn’t create an issue, and there’s no dairy because of Guest #426’s daughter.”

  “You really know them by number!”

  “Why do you sound so surprised? I’m an accountant. I made Mat #666 at his wedding because he’s the devil.”

  Rick snickered. “And my number?”

  “Sore wa himitsu desu,” I replied.

  “Since when do you speak Japanese?”

  “I don’t. I picked it up from an anime I watched. I thought it was hilarious, so I’m parroting it to you.”

  “Why is my number a secret?”

  “It’s more fun that way.” In truth, outside of the bride and groom, I’d randomized everyone in the wedding party and picked their numbers before doing the same with the guests, and as I wasn’t a fan of torturing myself, especially when he’d gone off on his own as was proper for a man getting ready to propose, I’d ignored his number as much as I could.

  “Come on,” he whined. “Tell me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’ll have to do me a favor if you want your number.”

  “Okay. What favor?”

  “Can you handle Guest #354? Of the lot, she’s really sweet, but she’s going to drive me crazy, Rick. She has so many questions, and she’s reasonable, and it’s hard to tell her no all the damned time, but I have to because I can’t make exceptions for her even though she’s really nice.”

  “I’m going to need more than that to go on, Hope. Does she have a first name? That might narrow the field a little.”

  “Loretta.”

  Rick sighed. “That would be my mother. I can talk with her.”

  Crap. “She’s your mother?”

  “Alas, it is true. I’m the child of a horribly sweet woman who tries to be reasonable but really just drives everyone around her crazy. She has developed a rather annoying tendency to want to offend no one because offending someone means that everyone will get on her case, so she tries really hard to be friends with everyone. She’s probably asking questions because she wants to pack her bags perfectly with zero risk of breaking one of your rules.”

  “I’m not sure what to say,” I confessed.

  “Well, considering my mother is as sly as she is sweet, you’re doing just fine. Just keep telling her no on anything that pushes one of your lines, don’t make exceptions without an okay from El and Ed, and keep doing what you’re doing. It’s probably the first wedding our family has been involved with in at least twenty years that hasn’t churned through wedding planners. And most of the actual planning is done, isn’t it?”

  Much to my relief, it was. “I still have to coordinate the decorations, but the cruise liner is handling most of that with the help of the catering staff. Elizabeth requested eco-friendly decorations, so everything will be edible or biodegradable, including the settings. The settings might kill me.”

  “What’s wrong with the settings?”

  “Nothing, except the caterers and cruise staff have to clean everything because the intention is to send home a place setting for every guest as part of a gift basket Elizabeth insisted everyone should receive. Those might really kill me.”

  I had to customize every damned basket to match the guest, but Elizabeth had provided a list of what she wanted in each one, which left me with buying everything and giving her the bill.

  “She’s going overboard.”

  “She absolutely is not going overboard in a reversible dress that cost a quarter of a fucking million dollars!”

  Rick snickered. “I didn’t mean it literally.”

  “Quarter of a million dollar dress, Rick.”

  “I know. I’ve seen the dress. It’s beautiful. Not as beautiful as your dress, but it’s still beautiful. El even agrees with me. Your dress is superior.”

  Shit. “That’s not good. That breaks the rules, Rick. Nobody can have a prettier dress than the bride’s.”

  “The bride has dictated you get the prettier dress. Don’t worry about it. Her dress is stunning, but yours is better only in that you’re wearing it.”

  I scowled. “You are now yanking my chain, aren’t you? Elizabeth hasn’t even met me in person.”

  “But she’s seen your picture, has spoken with you on the phone, and has a good eye for clothes and people. Your dress is better.”

  Oy, oy, oy. “I’ll talk to Juliette about the dress.”

  “No, you won’t.”

  “Yes, I will. It’s Elizabeth’s wedding day, and my dress cannot be better than her dress.”

  “Rules are the rules and the rules say nobody can complain about their Carter apparel. That’s your rule, by the way. You made that rule so nobody would bother Juliette. Juliette is kissing the ground you walk upon for that rule, as she has full design control and can do what makes every guest shine for the wedding.”

  Fuck. I had made that rule. “The bride’s dress having to be prettier trumps the Carter
apparel rule.”

  “It really doesn’t. Sorry. You’re stuck with the prettier dress.”

  “I can’t be prettier than the bride, Rick. They’ll toss me overboard!”

  “Nobody is going to toss anyone overboard.”

  “If I show up outshining the bride, they most certainly will. That’s how this works. There are hundreds of them, and there’s one of me. One of them will definitely toss me overboard. I suck at swimming, so I’ll drown. I’ve been thinking about learning how to swim better because the odds of a vengeful guest tossing me overboard is fairly high.”

  “I think you’re overreacting, Hope. They’re not going to throw you overboard.”

  “Have you seen some of these emails?” I complained. “According to them, I’m ruining the entire wedding, the bride will cry because she’s so unhappy, and I’m the worst wedding planner to exist.”

  “Hope, they’re haughty, overly wealthy Brits who genuinely believe they were born superior.”

  “I’ve met Brits. They’re nice. Sure, their curses threw me for a loop at first, but once I figured out their words don’t mean the same as American ones, I got over it.”

  “Ah, the fabled c-word in America. It basically just means idiot for those of us who live overseas.”

  “Yeah. The first time someone from England whipped it out, I was stunned into silence.”

  “Whipped what out, precisely?”

  “The word. Nobody whipped anything literal out at me.” Thankfully, especially as it had been over the phone, I’d been talking to Edward, and I’d been so shocked he’d gone on for another five minutes before he remembered I was American, laughed, and explained how the word worked in his country. “And I was talking to Edward.”

  “You got him to cuss at you on the phone?”

  “Not at me.”

  “Hopefully not at my mother. I could see her testing his patience that much. She’s really sweet, but she’s really persistent.”

  “No. It was one of the guests from hell. Again.”

  “Ah. Aunt Carolina.”

  I sucked in a breath. “How did you know?”

  “She’s usually the one responsible for driving the wedding planners into quitting. Dad’s side. Her birth rank makes her particularly snooty.”

  “I’m not sure I want to know.”

  “Hope, you’ve been dealing with the invitations.”

  “I don’t particularly care if Elizabeth wants to lord or lady people on the invitations, Rick. I thought it was cute.”

  “They’re actually lords and ladies, Hope.”

  My mouth dropped open. “Could you repeat that?”

  “They’re actually lords and ladies. Aunt Carolina is a duchess. Don’t ask of what. Elizabeth banned the full titles and decreed everyone was going to be a lord or lady, even the ones who technically aren’t either, as she will not have any of the typical posturing when the family gets together—or the extended family. Or the friends of the family, who also have titles. Not all of us are British, so that complicates things, too.”

  Okay. I could handle the realization that the lord and lady titling on the guest cards and invitations was serious. I could do so without embarrassing myself, too. “Your aunt is a duchess?”

  “Yes, she is. There aren’t actually many dukes or duchesses in Britain, but any child of a duke or duchess is a lord or lady. There are a lot of lords and ladies because of being the child of someone with the appropriate title. That includes barons, viscounts, earls, and marquesses. Most of us fall into one of those categories or the other, with some of the family friends lacking a title or the heritage to be a lord or lady. So, El is breaking the rules a little, but she doesn’t care. Since they’re not getting married in England, she feels she can break the rules if she wants to.”

  I swallowed. “You’re basically telling me that I’m dealing with an entire boat of nobility, and I’ve been sitting here like a dictator telling them what they can’t do, which is everything they want to do?”

  “And you’re doing so fabulously. Keep doing exactly as you are. Mother’s having a grand time with it.”

  “Dare I ask if your mother has a title?”

  “She absolutely does have a title.”

  “That means you have a title or are some little lordling.”

  “I’m not too fond of that part of things, but you’re right.”

  Well, screw me with a stick sideways. “And you’re positive nobody is going to throw me overboard?”

  “I’m positive.”

  “I really should call Juliette about the dress.” Damn it. It was one thing to annoy a bunch of rich people, but to annoy a bunch of rich people with actual titles? I bet every last one of them could find a way to make my life miserable until the day I died.

  “I’m putting my foot down on this one. Don’t call Juliette about the dress. Your dress is beautiful. Stop worrying. Nobody is going to be upset about your dress.”

  Like hell nobody was going to be upset about my dress. I was upset about the dress. I couldn’t goose the bride.

  It was her day. If my day came around, I could strut around and be the pretty one.

  Taking a few deep breaths, I calmed myself the best I could. “I bet Juliette could make me a beautiful potato sack, and I could wear that to the wedding.”

  “While I’m confident she could make you a beautiful potato sack, she already made you a gown. Just relax. There’s nothing wrong with your dress. It’s pretty.”

  “It’s too pretty!”

  “It’s not too pretty. Please don’t call Juliette about the dress.”

  I scowled, but as I knew where she lived, I could drive over after work one night. Doing so without calling would be rude, but I could text her that I wanted to talk to her in person. That wasn’t the same as calling. “Fine. I won’t call her about the dress.”

  “Good. I’ll talk to my mother and suggest that she should keep being sweet but stop making requests that stress you out because you have to say no. I’m not sure I can stop her from bothering you, but she tends to fixate, and when she fixates, she wants to make everything perfect for everyone.”

  “Thank you. You’re not upset?”

  “Hope, my mother drives me crazy most days because she’s sweet but determined to be involved in everything. I will admit I was sad I can’t take Annabel Lee on the trip, but I found a good dog sitter for her, and she’ll have a great time. She’ll be sad for about ten minutes, after which she’ll realize the dog sitter will have a dog she can play and cuddle with. I’ll get her back exhausted and played out.”

  “I hope Edgar Allan Paw will forgive me for leaving him.”

  “He will. He’s a good dog.”

  That he was. “I hope so. I don’t want him to think I’m abandoning him.”

  “He won’t, but you’re not going to believe me until you’re back from the cruise and he greets you with sloppy dog kisses, are you?”

  “I’m really not. Sorry.”

  He chuckled. “Don’t be sorry. We’ll make some time to mope about missing our dogs on the ship. It’ll be therapeutic. That said? You made a good call, because a lot of my family has obnoxious ankle biters that are devils in the flesh the instant their owners look the other direction.”

  “Well, that makes me feel a little better about the pet ban.”

  “I need to go, but I’ll take care of my mother, and I’ll get on the phone with Aunt Carolina and give her a few reasons to reconsider her poor behavior.”

  My brows rose at that. “What are you going to do to her? Oh, and since you’re taking care of your mother, you’re #666 since it’s your fault I’m the wedding planner,” I fibbed.

  “Really?”

  “No, not really, but I thought it was funny. I’m withholding the number until I have a confirmation about your mother. Are you sure about dealing with your Aunt Carolina?”

  “If I have my way, she’ll be an angel for the rest of the wedding.”

  “That would take a mir
acle, Rick. She’s awful.”

  “Care to make a wager on that?”

  Uh oh. His tone implied he would do anything necessary to win said wager if I was foolish enough to challenge him. “If it involves you making headlines, no.”

  “I will endeavor to avoid any negative or outrageous headlines,” he promised.

  I sighed. “All right. Hit me with it. What kind of wager do you want to make?”

  “Should Aunt Carolina behave herself until after the wedding, you will owe me one favor. Should she fail to behave herself until after the wedding, I will owe you one favor.”

  Favors made the business world turn, and they could also give me a dog sitter when I needed some fresh air. “What is the limit of the favor?”

  “Anything within reason. I promise I won’t ask anything of you that would hurt your career, but I can’t promise it wouldn’t make you take a day off work to help me with something. The favor I have in mind isn’t monetary, but it could take some time.”

  A day off work doing his bidding wouldn’t bother me much, and I could think of a few things I could ask for my favor, including taking care of my pets or going on a road trip to protect me from my family. “Okay. We have a deal, then. I’ll try not to punish you too much when you lose.”

  “I appreciate that. Call me if anyone gives you trouble. I’ll set them straight.”

  I huffed at that. “The only reason I couldn’t handle your mother was because she’s too sweet. Don’t worry about the other ones. I can handle them. I just don’t want to be killed through kindness right now is all.”

  Rick laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Long after Rick hung up, I stared at my phone, wondering how I’d managed to make a mess of things from being afraid of talking to him. If I judged by the call alone, every problem had been in my head. After I spoke to Juliette about the dress, I’d put some thoughts into my unfortunately human nature.

  On second thought, I’d be grateful for the lesson learned at little cost to anyone other than me.

  Talking solved more problems than they made, and I’d do well to remember that.