by Fox, Lizzie
“Maybe you should. Maybe you should take her with and get this sorted out before you both torture yourselves to death.” Sabrina patted my forearm. “I’d hate to see this shit come between you. It’s so obvious how much you love each other.”
“We…maybe moved too fast though,” I said sullenly, pulling my hands away.
Sabrina lifted her brow. “You don’t believe that, though.”
Fuck…she was right. “No…I really don’t.”
Sabrina sighed. “I really have a hard time believing you’d split over this. I really do. You just have to figure out what bug is up your butt and deal with it. And for what it’s worth…” she slid closer to me and whispered. “I think you’d make a great dad.”
My eyes widened and I nearly felt like choking. Sabrina just laughed and clasped my shoulder. “Stop it. I better just—”
“Hey guys!” Anthony’s voice broke into all of our side conversations loudly. “So, uh, before we continue, there’s something we need to tell you. Before you hear it on the street or some shit. Because we all know Shane can’t keep his damned mouth shut.” His husband didn’t reply, just shot him a dirty look.
I snorted, exchanging a questioning look with Sabrina who just shrugged. I wondered if he was going to talk about Miles Madison’s phone call to me. I flinched; I wasn’t sure if I wanted everyone in the band to know I was being singled out. But when Shane sidled up to him, looking teary-eyed I knew that wasn’t it.
“Well spill, man,” Ian said. He and Wes had been on stage quietly playing and re-familiarizing us with some of our things. Briefly, my mind wandered, thinking if Wes would become a permanent fixture if I decided to leave the band to become…I swallowed nervously. Hell, just the mere thought of leaving the guys and going on my own made me sick.
“Well…” Anthony shuffled his feet and nervously cleared his throat. Shane nudged him and nodded with a huge grin. “I—uh—well…”
Shane rolled his eyes. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Anthony. What my chickenshit of a husband is trying to tell you is we’re going to be parents!” He was giddy—like—visibly. Jumping up and down in his shoes, and my eyes widened.
Well, there’s another piece of the puzzle.
“Holy fuck!” Ian was the first to respond, jumping off the stage to offer both of them his congrats. Sabrina nudged me silently asking me if I was going to offer my well-wishes, but I shook my head. She offered me a wry smile while she walked off, and everyone but Wes stood nearby, talking with them animatedly.
Jessie must have already known about this. And that’s why she was even more glum before I left tonight. Her partner in crime, someone who could relate to how she felt was now essentially a traitor. Goddammit…
I stood up suddenly, feeling a bit stifled; like I was suffocating. Last thing I needed right now was to fall into a panic attack. “I need to…” I motioned outside, and no one even noticed as I left, opening the heavy steel doors and inhaling deeply the second I emerged. The air was hotter and heavier, being that it was late spring in Wisconsin, but I welcomed it right now. The humid air sort of acted like a bit of a straitjacket on my skin and limbs to keep me from freaking out.
I let out my breath and moved to stand by the wall on the other side of the door, and I jumped, noticing Greyson Mitchell, Ian and Sabrina’s nearly nine-year-old-son, sitting on the pavement, phone in his lap and earbuds in his ears. “Shit, I didn’t see you there.” I slapped my hand over my fucking potty mouth. Yeah, I’m so not cut out for this. I can’t even stop swearing in front of a kid…
“Like I haven’t heard that word a bazillion times before.” Greyson pulled out his earbuds and looked up at me with a smirk. I had to stifle a laugh; he was the spitting image of Ian, except without the colorful hair. “You’ve seen my parents.”
“Yeah, I guess you probably have,” I said with a wry laugh, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.
Greyson eyed me carefully. “You don’t like kids, do you?”
I scoffed. “Why do you say that?” My voice nearly squeaked. I wanted to throw myself onto the street and hoped a semi would run me over.
“I don’t think you’ve ever talked to me before, and my parents have known you for over a year now?” Greyson shook his head and turned back to his phone.
“It’s not that…I just don’t have experience with kids. I have no idea what to do,” I admitted, suddenly feeling stupid. Why was I owning up to this?
“We’re just short people. Short people who can’t drive and are broke.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I suppose you are.” Leaning against the brick wall behind us, I sighed. “I just don’t know if I’m saying the wrong thing or being a bad influence or some sh—cra—oh fuck!” I slapped my hands over my face.
“Oh no. Shit. Crap. Fuck. Such awful words I’ve never, ever heard before,” Greyson retorted sarcastically. I separated my fingers and glanced at him. He was grinning at me.
“You’re just like your dad.” I pulled my hands away and he groaned.
“Just what every kid wants to hear.”
I blew out a breath. “See?”
“I’m kidding. You want to know how to act? Just like you would around everyone else. Just don’t be a jerk or hit me, and I could care less. And don’t talk to me like I’m two. I hate that,” Greyson replied with a snarl. “Christi does that, I hate it.”
“I would…not do that,” I said with a laugh. Greyson smiled wryly, and I realized I’d been out here for a few minutes. “I should, uh…” I motioned to the door. “Are you supposed to be out here alone?”
Greyson shrugged. “It’s a free country, isn’t it?”
I laughed. “Just like your dad.”
“Ouch. That hurts.” He pretended to get shot right in the heart, clutched his chest over-dramatically, and fell over.
“Smartass…” Shaking my head I gently kicked at his leg, surprised when he sat up and grinned at me.
“See? Not so bad, right?” And before I could say anything else, he shoved his earbuds in and proceeded to ignore me.
Actually… it wasn’t so bad, but Greyson was older. Babies were…little. Fragile…helpless… they needed you for everything. You needed to figure out whether they were hungry or wet or just upset. Or any other number of things I couldn’t figure out right now.
“Fuck, Archer—get your ass in here!” The doors flung open, and Wes popped his head out. “You okay?”
I nodded slowly. With another glance at Greyson I gave a small smile. “Yeah…I think I’ll be okay.” Eventually, anyway.
“You’re looking a little tense.” Wes smirked. “Guessing you didn’t finish what I interrupted earlier today, huh?” He asked wickedly.
“No, I didn’t fucking finish, you dick.” I reached out and gave him a hard shove, nearly pushing him into the wall. He laughed loudly. “If I wasn’t worried about you walking in, I wouldn’t have given a shit.”
“I wouldn’t have done that,” Wes said with a devious grin.
“Like hell you wouldn’t.”
“Yeah… you’re right, I would.”
I rolled my eyes. “Such a prick.”
“Jessie doesn’t like me too much, does she? She seems a bit edgy,” Wes suddenly asked, and I shrugged.
“I really don’t think it’s that, but there’s some shit going on that makes things complicated,” I replied as we slowly walked through the little theater to the stage.
“Wedding stuff?” Wes shook his head. “Man, you married. I can’t believe that shit.”
“Thanks, bro. Appreciate your vote of confidence.” I narrowed my eyes at him.
“I don’t mean that it’s just…wow. But it feels weird. Like growing up.” Wes blanched sourly and shuddered.
“It’s not so bad. You might want to try it,” I suggested.
“Weddings though? I don’t think I could do that. Jess is excited for it, though?” He asked, and I nodded.
“I think so.”
“So…if she’s excited
then what’s got her so on edge?” We stopped just before the stage, talking in hushed tones. Ian and Anthony were on the stage already, doing adjustments to the music.
“Ugh. I don’t think you’d get it,” I replied bitterly, shying away.
He lifted a brow, “Try me.”
“Ugh. Okay. She’s worried that she’s…getting old. She wants to be a mom really bad, but…I’m not sure if I can…uh…” My face scalded with embarrassment.
Wes’ eyes widened. “What’s wrong? Can’t get it up?”
I tossed him a scathing glare. “Ha. So funny.
“I’m kidding!” He insisted. “Oh shit, though. You as a dad? That’s just…wow.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence again, you prick.”
“No!” He said quickly. “It’s not that, just…I never thought you would go for something like that.”
“I never would have originally, but…” I trailed off, hoping he understood my meaning. I never would have before, but I fucking love that woman…and I’d just about do anything I possibly could to make her happy.
Except of course say those little words to make her feel better…
“Not that my opinion means crap, but I think you’d be a good dad.” Wes clapped me on my shoulder and I flinched, surprised.
“Wow…thanks?” I replied, shocked at his comment.
“Can we just fucking play, you assholes?” Ian shouted, glaring at the both of us. “First Avenue on Saturday—remember? Sort of a big deal?”
I flicked him off. “Yeah, yeah.” I nodded my head towards the stage. “Let’s go asshole. But so help me if you cock-block me again today, I’ll kick your ass onto the street myself.”
Wes laughed loudly. “Noted, bro.”
Luckily for Wes, he didn’t “cockblock” me that night, so the next morning when I woke up at a decent time, I felt much less…tense you could say. Some of that came back though when I asked Jessie to come with me to my therapy session today, because I knew I was going to specifically bring up a topic that made me uncomfortable. As such she was uncomfortable, wondering what I had in store for her.
She was beautiful as usual, wearing a purple tie-dyed sundress with off the shoulder sleeves. She kept her hair long and wore tan flip flops with jewels on them. As she sat looking out the window as we drove, her legs crossed over one another, her knee bouncing up and down in time to the beat of a Green Day song that was playing from the speakers in my vehicle. My heart actually tightened when she turned to glance at me and gave a warm smile. What in the hell was I thinking? Was I really going to risk not being with her forever because of some silly hang-up? Some stupid fear?
The fact that it was “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” should have been a sign, I thought. How fitting…
“What?” She asked, skin pinching between her jade colored eyes as she regarded me.
I shook myself gently, reaching out and clutching her hand and pulling it into my lap, but didn’t say anything. She shifted until she rested her cheek against my shoulder, and she traced the outlines of some of my finger tattoos with the tip of her finger. “Nothing. Just thinking.”
“About?” She looked up at me as I drove, and I just shrugged.
“Thanks for coming with me today,” I said earnestly, and she gave a small smile.
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Don’t know. I’ve been…sort of…difficult lately?”
She laughed shortly. “I’m pretty sure I’m the difficult one.”
I shook my head but didn’t reply. We were silent the rest of the way to the therapist’s office, and as I parked, we got out and were immediately allowed into Doctor Rand’s office.
“Jessie—it’s good to see you again.” He held out his hand, and she politely shook it once. I took her hand and urged her to sit next to me on the sofa.
“Well…let’s not waste any time, shall we?” Dr. Rand opened up a file and looked over his glasses. Jessie gave me an expectant look that I didn’t acknowledge. “Last time you were here, Seth, you mentioned something you wanted to talk about with your fiancée.”
I tensed, and she immediately felt it, eyeing me hesitantly.
“What’s going on?” She asked, sounding apprehensive.
I breathed out, glancing at the therapist. He nodded slowly in encouragement.
“I’ve…hurt you. And I’m sorry,” I finally blurted, noticing when she seemed visibly confused.
“I’m…not sure I understand. You haven’t hurt me?”
“I have. I know how…” I trailed off, choking down a nervous lump that formed in my throat. “I know how bad you want kids, and I’ve been…less than accommodating.”
This caught her attention. She sat up straighter, eyeing me cautiously, but didn’t speak.
“I… didn’t understand that you’re going through an actual, biological process. I don’t understand how it feels, but I know it’s real. I’m just…afraid.”
She nodded slowly. “I know, Seth. Really. I’m trying—”
“—no really.” I cut her off, and Dr. Rand gave me a stern look. Interrupting was a bad thing in his office, but I didn’t want to lose my nerve. “I know how bad you want it. Them. Babies. I’m trying to get there. I want you to be happy; it’s just…” I trailed off, my face heating.
“Seth. Why are you so afraid?” Dr. Rand interjected, and I shrugged.
“Don’t have a lot of experience with kids. They… are intimidating,” I admitted.
“I don’t have experience either. I just sort of think that it’s something you…pick up. An instinct maybe?” She looked at Dr. Rand questioningly, and he nodded in affirmation.
“For some, maybe. It doesn’t come easy for everyone,” he replied. He turned back to me. “Why are you intimidated by them? They’re just… little people.”
“Yeah, but they have all these…needs. You have to try to figure it out. Hell, I can hardly figure out what I need half the time,” I said dryly.
“Ahh…I think we’re getting somewhere.” Dr. Rand’s brow crooked, and I sank into the sofa. He was right.
“Seth. No one is perfect right off the bat. Anyone who you think is…well, they just aren’t. Even if it seems like it comes naturally at first, maybe they grew up with a lot of siblings,” Jessie said. “When they were younger, I’m sure they were nervous too.”
“That’s a good point, Jessie,” Dr. Rand said, motioning to her. “You’re afraid you cannot learn how to do it?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I…haven’t been so good in the past.”
“Past?” Jessie asked, confused, but Dr. Rand nodded.
“Does this have something to do with your sister, Seth? The fact that you…couldn’t help her?”
My lips pressed into a scowl. But…
“Oh my god, that’s it, isn’t it? Oh baby…” Jessie’s lower lip trembled, and she clutched one of my hands between hers tightly. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“Wasn’t it? I…should have done…something,” I stammered.
“Was it my fault Blake died?”
I blanched. “No. Why would you even say that?”
“It’s the same thing. It wasn’t your fault your dad was abusive. And, you were a child.”
“She’s right, Seth. You can’t blame yourself for that,” Dr. Rand said. “It’s your father’s fault alone.”
“Yeah, but I’m the big brother! I’m supposed to protect her! My little sister!” I felt tears sting at my eyes like needles as they threatened to pour.
“You’re worried you won’t be able to protect your child.” Dr. Rand said rhetorically.
I nodded slowly.
“For starters, Seth. It’s not just your job to do that. It’d be mine, too,” Jessie pointed out. “And, for two… again, you were a child. You did the best you could. I have no doubt in my mind that you would love and protect any child you—we—had fiercely and without condition. No doubt.”
“How can you be so confident?” I asked her, looking
over at her solemn, pretty face as she regarded me.
“Because. You do it for me.”
“I—” I stopped speaking. “I…try.”
“You do.”
“Seth… do you want a family? Do you want a family with Jessie?” Dr. Rand asked me seriously.
I bit my lip and nodded hesitantly. “I…do. So much.” I felt Jessie next to me suck in a breath. “I’m just…I don’t want to be like my dad.”
“You won’t be. I know you won’t,” Jessie said to me softly. I was surprised when, despite the fact that we were in my therapist’s office, she had no problems leaning over me and kissing my cheek, leaving her hand behind to gently stroke it. I didn’t even feel embarrassed. In fact, Dr. Rand grinned.
“Seth… do you think your sister would want you to punish yourself because she’s injured?” Dr. Rand asked, and I sighed.
“No…”
“Wow does this sound familiar,” Jessie said with a chuckle, and I shot her a wry smile.
“Maybe you need to go apologize to her. Ask her forgiveness. Make yourself feel better, and let go of all this guilt,” Dr. Rand suggested.
“Maybe…”
The rest of the therapy session consisted of just general questions. How I was feeling, how the meds were working, about the band stuff… I avoided the things about Miles Madison, I wasn’t ready to go down that road yet.
When the appointment was over and we left, we were climbing into the truck and I began to ask Jessie, “So, do you want to—”
My words were cut off when Jessie gripped the back of my neck tightly and, with a heavy-lidded stare, she shot me a sultry smile. My breath caught, and I felt my cock spring to life. When she drew her lips to mine and brushed them ever so softly, so teasingly, I had to press my hand over the zipper of my jeans for just a bit of relief. She grinned and shifted her weight until she straddled my lap and hiked up her skirt. I could feel her heat against me, and my head fell back as I moaned. “Oh shit, Jess…”
“You know how much I love you, right?” She asked, bending forward to nibble my earlobe, the tip of her tongue tracing around one of the jeweled studs I wore there.
“I have a feeling you’re about to show me, right?” I asked rhetorically, my voice barely over a whisper.