by Fox, Lizzie
The doorbell rang again, and I grumbled, stalking down the stairs. I glanced down at my attire quickly to make sure I was decent—black leggings, tank top, oversized, off the shoulder sweatshirt. Oh, and bra. Yep, I was good. “Yeah, yeah. I’m coming…” I groused to no one in particular as I hurried to open the door.
“Ah, Jess. You look about how I feel.” Wes retorted when I let him pass through the threshold.
“How do I look?” I challenged, tapping my foot on the ground and raising a brow.
“Strung out. Crabby. Guessing you’ve been at the other end of that infamous Archer moodiness, huh?” Wes inquired, with a knowing smirk, and I softened my demeanor.
“You could say that.” Sighing lengthily, I pulled the black hair tie off my wrist, balled up my hair on my head and twisted it around, probably giving myself a messier appearance. About how I felt.
“Then good, I did the right thing.” I noticed he carried a brown paper bag, and he reached in and lifted a bottle of Smirnoff. “I figured, with the week we’ve all had, we could use it.”
“Oh, I probably shouldn’t…” I replied uncomfortably, though suddenly the buzz of a hard drink sounded like the best idea.
“Hey.” Wes walked past me and went for the open kitchen, hastily tossing his tattered duffle bag on the floor as he walked and set the paper bag on the counter. He pulled out the Vodka, and a Bloody Mary mix. “It’s vegetables. It’s just like eating salad or something. It’s good for you,” he said with an impish grin.
I snorted. “Well, when you put it that way…”
“It’s Friday, gotta live a little,” he said with a shrug, pulling out a shaker from the bag as well. He asked where the glasses were, and I pointed to a cabinet above his head and he got to work.
“I think we lived plenty last week,” I retorted dryly, leaning back against the counter and sighing. It was weird, when I first met Wes he rubbed me the wrong way. After last weekend we seemed to have some sort of vague understanding: we were both insanely worried about Seth, all the time.
Of course, I knew a lot of Seth’s past. But Wes had known him for years—since high school. Not surprisingly, Seth got into a lot of trouble, and Wes had sort of taken it upon himself to watch over him. I didn’t know what made him do so—he would have been a junior when Seth was a freshman—and it felt too personal to ask.
“That’s true,” Wes said with a grumble.
“Did Seth ever drink any?” I asked, curious, and Wes shook his head vehemently.
“No, his old man was a boozer. He never touched the shit. However…” Wes trailed off, biting his lip and looking ashamed, like he was about to divulge something he shouldn’t.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to say it,” I assured him.
“It was never a secret. But…Seth did self-medicate a little before he got on the meds. I never blamed him for it; it must have been hard dealing with all the shit and his mind,” Wes explained. “Just weed, quite a bit. Some other things but nothing too harsh like heroin or anything.”
I released a breath I didn’t know I held. “That’s good, at least.” I shifted my feet as I pondered. “What was Seth like in school? He’s so intense now—was he always that way?”
“He was, but he’s always been really shy. You should have seen him that night at the Lagoona.” Wes let out a whistle. “I thought he was going to shit himself or pass out. Or both.”
“Really? He seemed a little nervous when I saw him that night, but mostly he seemed pretty confident,” I mused, thinking back. Wes chuckled under his breath. “What?”
He paused in his “bartending” and looked to me with a smug expression. “Jessalie. I take it he never told you about that night, other than running into you?”
I shook my head slowly. “No… he told me that he cut, though, and you fought about it with him and that’s why I missed him.”
“Well he did that, yeah. But one of the things I told him to do was to find something to focus on and ignore everything else. And, you were that thing he focused on,” he said, gesturing towards me. I blinked, surprised.
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You gave him that confidence to go on. He wanted to impress you so bad. He considers you his first fan, you know,” Wes said, finishing off the drinks and handing me one. I took it silently and absorbed what he said. “Honestly until he met and found you again, I thought love was shit and things like soulmates were a crock. Now…?” He crooked his brow and laughed quickly.
“Now what?”
I turned over my shoulder to see Seth enter the kitchen, wearing long black shorts, a gray tank top, and wet hair. His general demeanor seemed a lot more relaxed when he came up behind me, wound one of his long arms over the front of my shoulders, offered me a kiss on my cheek, and whispered in my ear, “I’m sorry.”
I shifted until I could look up at him. Smirking, I reached an arm around and gently slapped him on the ass. “Better be. Big jerk…”
Seth laughed quietly, and Wes released a gagging noise.
“Ugh, stop. You’re sickening.” He put his glass up to his mouth and took a long drink. “I’ll need at least four of these to get the image of you two out of my mind.”
“Fuck off, Greenway,” Seth said lightheartedly, flicking him off.
“Hmm…maybe later.”
I rolled my eyes. “Now that is sickening.”
Wes cackled into the glass as he drank. “Yep, it is. Are you going to be like this the entire time we’re in Florida?”
“So you are going?” Seth asked, and Wes nodded.
“Yep. Even if I have to play a fucking tambourine, I’m gonna be there. I’m not missing out on a chance to perform on the same stage as Oblivion Orange Zero,” Wes said with a snort. “I’d have to be out of my mind.”
“Glad that’s the only reason you’re going, bro,” Seth said, making a sour face at him as he rummaged through the bag Wes had brought. “Dude, do you ever do anything else but drink?”
Wes stifled a belch, lowering his glass. “Nope. What else is there?”
I snickered, rolling my eyes, and was about to make a smart-ass remark at him when he interrupted me. “Something wrong with your drink?”
“Oh,” I laughed uncomfortably. “Sorry, forgot I had it.” That was a lie. I was aware of its presence every damn second it was in my hand, I was just… oh fuck it. I tipped it to my lips and took a long sip. The combination of the burn of alcohol and the sting of the spice made my eyes water and my throat tingle but…I liked it. I liked it a little too much.
I shouldn’t be drinking this…I shouldn’t be drinking this… I suddenly looked at the glass in my hand with disgust.
“Jess?” Seth chimed, bringing me out of my daze. I set the drink on the counter and walked away. “You okay?”
“Oh fine,” I replied with a laugh. “A little too spicy for me, I think. Going to go brush my teeth and get the feeling out. Then I’ll come down and make dinner, I suppose.” I needed something to do. Writing wasn’t working, and with Seth being moody—understandably so—it probably wasn’t a great idea to lay all my stress on him. Cooking sounded like a productive way to forget and push aside some of this stuff on my mind.
“You don’t have to do that, hon,” Seth insisted. “We can just go get something. That place on Main? Sound good?”
“Works for me, man,” Wes agreed.
I shook my head. “I’ll pass. I’m not really hungry and I have a bit of a headache. That place on a Friday night…well yeah. Just no. But you guys go ahead—just go have fun.”
Seth and Wes exchanged looks. “Oh-kaaaaay…” Seth said. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I spoke a little too quickly, before heading back up the stairs. I didn’t get much passed the door before I felt hands around my waist, and I was spun around and gently urged back into the bedroom, as Seth kicked the door shut behind us.
Keeping one hand on my hip, he slid the other under my chin and tilted my sh
eepish gaze up. “No, seriously…what’s up? Are you mad at me for snapping earlier? I was a total dick, I admit it.”
I sighed, feeling myself melt a little under his warm, honey-eyed stare that was full of loving concern, and if it continued, he’d have me spilling…everything. Including the baby stuff on my mind, still bothering me secretly, and right down to my troublesome history with alcohol.
“No, I’m not,” I finally answered. “I guess I’m just a little stressed myself.” Slowly, I allowed my eyes to slide shut, and I leaned against his chest as he hugged me close. “It’s really unfair that you have to deal with the shit about my ex. And…well you know, Blake too.”
“Hey, whoa.” Seth took a step back, looking square at me with seriousness. “First of all, if anyone is to blame, it’s me. I lost my temper and punched the asshole. He deserved it, but still. I should have just walked away when I figured who he was. But he goaded me, and I allowed him to succeed. That’s on me, not you.”
“But—” I protested, but he set a finger on my lips to stop me.
“And as for Blake, he’s not an ex. That is something totally different, so don’t even put them in the same stratosphere as each other.” He brushed his thumb over my bottom lip, a sexy smirk emerging on his lips. “Maybe I should just stay home and make you feel better.”
My face heated, and I smiled at the idea. “I like that idea, but you should get out a bit. You’ve been cooped up here for a while.”
“Aww…come with me?” He pleaded, his mouth forming a cute pout that was almost impossible to resist.
I shook my head. “Nah, you need some like, guy time, I think. It’ll only be what? A couple of hours?”
“Not even. But are you sure?”
I shrugged, glancing down at myself. “You’re hungry, and I’m nowhere near ready. It’s fine, I’ll probably just get some writing done.”
Seth chuckled. “Okay then. Maybe you’ll get something done while I’m gone.” Cocking his head to the side, he fingered the hair in my eyes before tucking the strands behind my ear before leaning in for a kiss. I sank into him, wishing for more as a shot of desire heated my core, but I pulled away and stepped out of his grasp.
“Go have fun,” I said, with a laugh.
Seeming a bit reluctant, he gripped my hand quickly and walked away. I sighed with a bit of relief—not that he was gone, but I just needed a moment alone.
Watching over someone when they’re struggling? Hard. Not that he would admit it. But I remembered when Blake would come home, stressed from work because his boss would lay into him for something stupid. His co-workers would always go out, have a beer and shoot the shit on Friday nights, but Blake always felt obligated to come home to me. Made me feel great, but now I wonder if that didn’t contribute to…well everything. Maybe he needed freedom to let loose and get things out of his system more often. I wasn’t exactly the best outlet for that.
As much as I loved having Seth around—and I did, I loved it, I always felt better when he was around—he needed his space. Blake might not have gotten it, but I’d make sure Seth did.
And I needed to compose myself. I couldn’t do that with him around. The desire to drink was just too great; to numb everything inside that was screaming so loud. I can’t write; I suck. I can’t sing; I’m going to disappoint the band and Seth with the song. If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t be in this crap with Adam. And what if I can’t have a baby after all we’ve gone through? Oh, and we’re getting married in a couple of weeks! What? Everything was moving fast, and I liked it…but it was overwhelming.
Over and over again they played in my mind; those out of control thoughts. I knew Seth had those too, and that’s why he cut before. That’s why he took the medicine. I knew he would understand if I told him about everything, but he had enough on his plate.
It’s behind you, you walked away. There is nothing wrong with a little drink here and there to relax. It’s when it becomes four…five…or you’re plastered all day that’s the problem. You’re a responsible adult, you can handle it.
“Yup. I don’t need it.” I sucked in a deep breath, let go of all of my tension, and decided Seth was right; this was a good time to get some writing done. I took my laptop in hand and walked to the office, through the bathroom and spare room that Seth had once occupied, and straight through the door to the office at the end. When I first moved here, I intended to keep the doors all locked…until Seth walked in and I fell for him. Now all the doors were pretty much open all the time.
I set the laptop on the desk that faced the lake in back—it really was a beautiful view—and quickly headed downstairs for a pop in the fridge. Everything was quiet, and the normal spot where Seth left his keys—on the corner of the kitchen counter—was gone, so I assumed they left and I settled into my chair with a pop, and opened up the screen.
Grimacing, I noticed the fifty new messages on the email icon I had yet to check. I was sure half of them were from Shane and sure enough, I was right. But there was one from Kieran with a large file.
My god Jess, look. I found this video when I was purging my old computer. We were so young! Some of it is from Christmas 2002. Can you believe this shit? -K
Christmas 2002? We were still in high school then. Which meant…
I clicked to download the file and immediately grinned when the screen filled with a much younger Victoria and I, outside in her front yard. This was about a year before she and Kieran admitted they had feelings for each other, so they were constantly tormenting each other.
“Dude, I’m so going to get him.” 18-year-old Victoria Martin tucked her chin length, red hair under her black hat and grabbed an armful of snow. “See that?” She said, pointing towards the driveway to my cousin, Kieran, who was busy pissing and moaning, wiping a smudge of road salt off the door of his brand-new—to him—truck.
I snickered, watching a younger version of myself emerge onto the screen. I looked so nineties with my short hair, parted down the middle and a bit wild, brown lipstick, baggy pants, and a tight sweater. On the video, I gathered up an armful of snow myself and laughed quietly. In real life, I laughed myself. It was weird; I had no wrinkles, a little bit of acne around my hairline, and lots of makeup. Oh, and I was much skinnier.
“Come on, Jess…leave the poor guy alone. He’s having a fit.”
My smile quickly dropped. That voice…that deep rumble that was almost as deep as Seth’s…I forgot who could be filming, but that was dumb because if Kieran, myself, and Victoria were in the shot, there was only one other person that could be filming. Which meant the deep voice belonged to…
“Blake…” Tears immediately welled up in my eyes and my throat felt constricted. I hadn’t heard that damn voice in over a decade.
“Oh please. You guys and your stupid motored…things.” Video-me rolled her eyes and stuck my tongue out at the filmer.
“You love my big motor, baby,” Blake flirted. I pressed my fingers against my lips, hoping to hold back my gasp, or a sob. Whichever was to come next. That voice… I missed it so much. Video-me smirked at him and nodded towards Kieran in the driveway, and Victoria and I both pelted him with snow. He screamed bloody murder, spun around and shook out his sweatshirt as video-me and Victoria collapsed into the mound of snow, laughing hysterically.
“Shit—Lightman you didn’t stop them? You’re a traitor!” Kieran glowered into the camera and then flung himself over the top of Victoria who shrieked wildly as he started shoving snow down her shirt.
“Is that yellow snow? That’s fucking nasty, dude,” Blake asked, snickering. Video-me looked at him in horror. “You better get out of there, Jessa-love. I don’t know who or what peed all over the driveway yesterday.”
Jessa-love.
I felt my heart nearly stop and the tears openly fell as I trembled. The video cut out then. Another scene started immediately; it was later that same day. I smiled fondly in remembrance. It was Blake’s and my basement “apartment.” It was a piece of shit,
with broken tile and mismatched throw rugs all over, a beat-up couch, and a very small Christmas tree in the corner. We didn’t have decorations, so we used magazine clippings, pop cans, and food wrappers to decorate with as a joke.
“Hey, Jess…” I nearly fell over when Blake’s beautifully handsome, blond-haired, blue-eyed self entered the shot. It was as if all time stood still, and nothing else existed. Then he turned to the camera and flashed his wide, bright smile, and my heart shattered. Hundreds of pieces all over the floor. I hadn’t seen that smile in forever.
“Oh my god… I fucking miss you so much…” I sobbed, my voice shaking and barely audible. The shot turned and video-me immediately flicked off the camera.
“Fuck, no, Blake. I look like ass.” Video-me tried to cover the lens, but Kieran laughed. “Revenge, ‘cuz,” he said, as Blake flung himself on the sofa right next to me.
I remembered the entire day.
“Yuck, babe. Get away from me, you’re all greasy!” I scolded, pushing him away as he landed on the couch next to me. But I didn’t really mean it; I never did.
“You don’t mean that, Jessa-love,” he insisted, pleading with his pouty mouth and those damn blue eyes I could never get enough of. My resolve softened as he pulled me in his lap and pelted my cheek and neck with kisses. I let out a quiet moan that was barely audible, and Blake laughed tauntingly.
“Ew, stop… there’s people here. Don’t grope my cousin on camera, freak,” Kieran admonished, but Blake ignored him.
“But she likes it…”
“Oh god gross…” Kieran cringed, as Blake’s hands roamed over my body and crashed his mouth into mine. My lips parted for him as I gave a low giggle. Suddenly, Blake reached out his hand and tried to cover the camera.
“Sorry this isn’t going to be appropriate for camera.”
I remember what happened then. Blake being Blake carried me into the bedroom—Victoria and Kieran still there—and we stayed there for about an hour. When we emerged, they were long gone. We exchanged gifts, although we didn’t have much. I bought him a pair of gloves for him to wear on his bike; he bought me a signed Evanescence CD. It must have cost him a fortune.