by Fox, Lizzie
“Well, she loves music, though she stopped admitting it. I knew she’d love that about you. And you look different than me,” he continued with a laugh. “Too much like me would be creepy as fuck.”
Despite the situation, I laughed. “Yeah, I suppose it would be. But…why not someone with their shit together?”
Blake laughed loudly before he looked to me, shaking his head. “You don’t get it, man. No one has their shit together. No one. People just pretend they do. You just have to find someone whose shit is a lot like yours, with a heart and mind open enough to be willing to deal with it. That’s all it is about, man. I’m telling you.”
Chuckling dryly, I wrung my hands in my lap. “So, since you’re dead, you’re all knowing and crap?”
“Basically.” He shrugged. “Look, you have to do two things for me.”
“Do I now?”
“Okay, three things. One… you have to get her to let go. She is trying, but she still blames herself for what I did. When she was able to ‘save’ you, she started to let go somewhat. She punished herself with that lousy fuck. And thanks for decking him by the way. He deserved it.”
“Ha. Yes, he did.” I pulled my knees up into my chest and wound my arms around them.
“Those tats are fucking sweet, by the way. I always wanted some, but never got a chance.” Blake said wistfully, eyeing my arms.
“What they cover up isn’t so sweet,” I answered bitterly.
“Maybe not, but it’s brave as shit. Proof that you fought a war inside and won. That’s… fucking everything Archer.” Blake quirked a stern brow at me and I shied away under his scrutiny.
“Anyway… second thing. She’s going to go through a couple of really hard things in the next couple of years. She’s going to need you. Bad. Promise me you won’t leave.”
I flinched. “What sort of things?”
“I can’t tell you that. It’s not my place. You’ll know when they happen. One is about to any day now. The other will be a total surprise. You just gotta promise you’re not going to give up, and you’re not going to check out on her. Not like I did. Okay?” He appeared serious, so I relented.
“Sure, you got it.”
He let out a breath, and his shoulders seemed to relax. “Good.”
“So… what’s the third thing?”
“The thir—oh.” He quirked a little smile. “Just fucking love her. Since I can’t, not the way she needs to be right now. And… tell her I’m sorry.”
I bit my lip as his eyes slipped downcast. “Why don’t you tell her?”
“I’ve tried. Not sure she believes it’s me, really,” he sighed.
“Why should I believe it’s you? Come on, this is just a dream, because I fucking watched that video.”
“The prom one?” He chuckled easily. “She was hot, wasn’t she?”
“Still is, man.”
“She is.”
“So how do I know it’s you? That it’s not just a dream?”
“Of course it’s a dream. Doesn’t mean it’s not real. Didn’t some book say that?” Blake snorted. “I know she read it. Even if it’s all in your head, and I’m not really here—what does it hurt to believe it’s real?”
“Maybe…”
“So…will you?”
“Will I what?”
“Love her. Tell her I’m sorry, eventually. Especially love her…”
I nodded slowly, facing the water; the air around us started to fade. “I promise.”
“Good. That’s…good. Thank you. Good luck with the music, man.” Slowly, he stood, brushing off his jeans and adjusting his jacket. He reached out a hand to me and reluctantly, I took it, allowing his help even though I didn’t need it. “You could be huge. You won’t want to be, but you could be. And that’s why I picked you.” He squeezed my hand tightly, shaking it once. “Take care of yourself, Archer. Don’t let the demons beat you. And be there for her. You’re gonna fuck up, but you’ll always make it better. I know you will.”
“Thanks?”
He winked. “See you around.” He released my hand and started to turn. “But…not for a very long time. Got it?”
I nodded, stunned, watching him turn away and fade.
What the hell?
My eyes flew open, and I sat up immediately with a start. I must have fallen asleep after all. I wasn’t on a lake… I was in bed. The room was fairly dark, and the moonlight streamed in through the window and sparkled gently on the still water from the lake. Always a nice view.
But I groaned, feeling the crick in my neck as I sat up, the tablet I’d been reading had fallen into my lap. Snorting, I swiped the screen: Ghosts on the Lake. So that’s where that came from.
It was a dream. Of course, it was only a dream. I laughed sharply, immediately feeling like an idiot. Of course, Blake didn’t actually come to me. Ghosts weren’t real. I wasn’t in an urban fantasy novel. Or paranormal. This was real and Blake was long gone. Still, it was strange as all hell, and unsettling. I don’t know how long I was out, but it apparently had been a while judging by the sore muscle in my neck.
I rolled over to set the tablet on the nightstand, and cocked a brow when a glint of silver caught my eye. “The hell?” It was a coin, and I don’t know how it got there because neither Jessie nor I ever used anything but debit cards. So, how did a coin get here?
I swiped at it with my hand, taking it in my palm, and my eyes widened at the shiny, silver quarter…with the year of 2004 on it.
“No… it couldn’t be.” The last two times I’d found coins, they had the date of 1984 on them—the year Blake was born. But… he died at twenty so… “2004. Holy weirdness…”
It couldn’t be. Could it?
Snorting, I set the coin back on the nightstand and shook my head with a laugh. 2004 wasn’t an unusual year to find in coins, I assumed. It wasn’t that long ago. I dismissed the very strange coincidence and laid back down, shifting on my side until I faced my fiancée. Jessie had flipped over to the other side, and her hair was all over the pillow. Whatever smell of alcohol there was evaporated, or I just didn’t notice it anymore. I pressed the length of my body against her backside, smoothed the unruly hair over the pillow, and wound my arm around her waist to pull her close.
“Mmm,” she muttered, rolling over somewhat. I smiled gently at her as she opened her eyes, winced, and immediately shut them again. “Oh, I did something bad.”
“You drank a lot of vodka?” I asked expectantly.
“Did I?” She glanced over at the nightstand and then at the “new” blankets that surrounded us. “Ah, yeah…I spilled some. But most of it went in my mouth.”
“Yeah… about that. What happened? I…saw your laptop. And the video of…Blake. Just a little, though,” I insisted quickly.
She sighed. “Yeah… Kieran just found it and sent it. It was just really weird seeing him—and hearing him—after all these years.”
I cocked a brow. “Are you sure that’s it?”
Her lips formed a line, and her eyes shifted away. “I feel…guilty.”
“Thought so.” I sat up slightly and urged her to rest her head on my chest as I pulled the tie in her hair out gently and stroked it down her neck. “Look, Jessie… let’s say we had kids. Three of them.”
Her eyes flicked up to me and she blushed. “Yeah?”
“Just bear with me,” I chuckled. “Which one would you love more?”
She blanched. “I’m…not sure what you mean. They’d all be part of you, and how could I not love them all?”
My cheeks heated. “They’d be part of you…” Why was that suddenly so…thrilling? I shivered carefully. “Equally, though?” I asked hopefully.
“Well…yeah. I’m sure each one would be a little different, but how could you love one more than the other?” She squinted at me, confused.
“Well, then isn’t it possible to love more than one person? I know you’ll always love Blake. I get it. Well… I don’t fully get it, but I’m trying to.
You don’t have to hide him. All I ask is that you love him for him, and me for me, and realize I am here. Right now. Today… tomorrow… forever.” My mind rewound back to the dream, and I relived it again. “I’m sure Blake is around, somehow, in some way. I don’t know how… but I’m sure he is. And I’m sure he’s very sorry for what he did. But you know I am here for you, honey. So please just focus on that. And if you need to talk about him…just talk. Don’t bottle it up until you, well…reach for the bottle.” I jerked my head quickly towards the booze on the nightstand, with a chuckle, and she gave a sheepish smile.
“You’re right, I’m sorry…” Jessie sighed, offering me an apologetic look. “I just… I don’t know. Really.”
“You’re not having second thoughts about us, are you?” I asked, and her eyes widened in horror.
“Oh god—no. Not at all!” She insisted quickly, and I breathed out. “It is a little scary. Not…bad scary. Good scary. I suppose it makes me a little anxious. Then worrying about your stuff with Miles, and this Adam shit. Ugh. It just all got to me.” I sucked in my piercing, clamping my teeth down on it, while her fingers traced lazy circles over the ink on my stomach. Occasionally, she mindlessly slid one under the waist of my boxers, and I was suddenly reminded that in my moody state all week—ugh I really had been a crabass—we had done little more than actually sleep together. Red hot desire began to coarse through me, but I clenched my eyes and willed it away. She’s still drunk, you’re having a heart to heart and just finished talking about her husband. Yeah, this is not the time, Archer.
“What’s wrong? I just felt you totally tense up,” she interrupted my thoughts with a gentle laugh.
“Erm, uh… nothing.” I replied with a strained laugh of my own. “Doesn’t matter. But… don’t sweat the Adam stuff. I’m sure you’re right; it’ll all just blow over.”
“It’s…not just that.” Exhaling noisily, she rolled back, away from me and flat on the bed, shutting her eyes and furrowing her brow, like she was about to say something I really wouldn’t like. “Just… well you saw who he was with.”
“I really didn’t get a good look at her, honestly,” I retorted, and it was the truth.
“Hmm. Well, that was his fiancée. Apparently. His very pregnant fiancée.” Pursing her lips, she narrowed her eyes, like a hint.
“So, his fiancée is pregnant. What does—oh.” I groaned. “So… now you think that because she is, that means you had the problem, not him.”
“Verbatim, that’s exactly what he told me. ‘Guess you were the problem after all’.” She snarled bitterly. My mouth fell open.
“Are you fucking serious? I should have done more than deck him! Holy shit…” My hands clenched at my sides as I shook my head angrily.
“Ugh, baby, I shouldn’t have said anything,” she said reluctantly, returning to her position of draping herself over my naked torso and chest. “I’m still a little drunk, I think. I said I wasn’t going to say anything. Because we just don’t know.”
“Well…you’re right. We don’t. And if we do, we’ll worry about it then.” Despite her Vodka taste, I tipped her chin up with a crook of my finger and kissed her gently, lingering for a few moments to enjoy the feel of her soft lips on mine which was doing nothing for my tent-pitching situation, goddammit—but I had to push it aside. “I love you, remember? We’ll figure it out.”
“I love you. But what—” she began to protest, but I shook my head.
“Nope. Me, you, forever. Period. We’ll figure it out. ‘Kay?” She nodded gratefully and grinned as I slightly smacked her round ass. “Sleep off your buzz, or whatever, and we’ll talk more in the morning before the gig. Okay, Jessie-love?”
“Sure thing, baby.” She yawned and curled up around me, flinging one of her legs over mine, draping her arm over my stomach, and burying her face near the bend of my shoulder. She was out almost immediately. I began to nod off myself, the feeling of her securely in my arms was pure relaxation. As I drifted off, I swore I heard a familiar voice in the back of my mind…
“Yeah, exactly like that. Love her exactly like that.”
I needed to check my meds in the morning, I thought to myself. Pretty sure I was losing my mind—for real this time.
18
Jessalie
“Ugh. I’m just not getting this!” I actually threw the music down on the ground and stomped my feet in frustration, just like a child throwing a tantrum. I could hear Ian’s chuckle from the speakers that piped into the sound proof studio.
“You’re fine, Jessie. Just flustered. Maybe we should pick this up when you get back from Milwaukee?” He suggested.
Grumbling, I pushed my fingers to my temples and sighed loudly. A week had passed since the night I watched the video of Blake and got shitfaced drunk. Seth had already been in and out, recorded his tracks and mastered them. Me? It was Friday, we left for Milwaukee to meet Miles Madison in the morning, and I’d barely gotten through the first verse and the chorus. It was pathetic how out of practice I was.
Regrettably, though… I was enjoying it. A lot. Why was that regrettable? Because I wasn’t a musician anymore. I was a writer. And was I even that? I couldn’t write any longer. I almost didn’t know who I was any longer besides a washed-up has-been.
“Jess? You want to wrap this up?” Ian piped up on the intercom again, and I frowned, shaking my head.
“One more time.” I really wanted this to be done by the wedding, and if I could get this down tonight, it could be. The next week Ian would have time to edit and mix and do—whatever the heck it was he did to make all their songs sound amazing. Not that Seth needed much. Stick him in a room with a guitar and he was positively surreal. Even years ago, I was nowhere near as talented as Seth is now.
“Sure thing, Jessie.” He counted off, and the music began again—the melody part anyway with synthesizer and keyboard. And I tried again.
With another three attempts, I managed to get it, feeling quite proud of myself after all. It’d been years since I’d done this, and I finally got it. I still felt like I needed some improvement, but hopefully Ian’s skill could bump it up some.
Ian entered and motioned with a nod to join him at the desk where he mixed the sounds and vocals. “You want to hear Seth’s part?”
I nodded vigorously. I did get a certain damn thrill hearing my insanely talented fiancé singing my song lyrics, and “Chains” I’d actually written as a song in mind.
Seth’s deep, husky singing voice played from the speakers, and I literally shivered with a sense of pride. He was just so damned good.
“I don’t know where I’ve been. I don’t know what trouble my heart is in. Mind running circles around my heart, trying to find a way out. A way in…”
“God he’s so damned good. I’m sure you didn’t even need to do much editing, huh?” I mused, and Ian grinned at me.
“This is unedited. This is just…him, sweetheart.”
Holy shit. My eyes widened. “Oh god…really? There’s no way I should be singing with him, then!”
“Jess. You’re better than you think. Here…” Ian put on a pair of headphones and messed around with some keyboards and things on a screen—I didn’t understand any of it—and passed the headphones off to me. “Just listen, Jess. Trust me.”
Frowning, I nodded reluctantly, and put them over my ears. “Oh please, honey untie the chains, that surround my heart. Break down the barriers until I let you in…”
Surprised, I blinked, looking up at Ian in shock. I recognized Seth’s voice, yes…but I didn’t recognize the woman’s voice with him. It was… ethereal and thick. “You auto-tuned me like hell, didn’t you?”
Ian smirked, shaking his head. “Nope, that’s all you.”
My mouth dropped open. “Holy…” I said, stunned. In my shocked state my brain went a bit woozy, and I fell into the chair behind me. “You’re serious?”
“As a heart attack. So…now believe me when I say this is good, and not only are all th
e fans going to go insane for this, but Seth is going to positively love it!” He gave me a pat on the knee and winked. “Trust me, huh?”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah…okay.”
“Really, it’s like you were made for each other. It’s insane how well you fit together. Basically, in all things, huh?”
“Yeah…” I said, feeling myself float a bit at the idea.
There was a knock at the door and I reached out to open it knowing it was Shane.
“Ooh recording must have worked well! Damn look at that big smile!” he said, grinning himself when he peeked in.
“She didn’t believe me that it was good,” Ian said, clicking his tongue.
“Girl, I told you you’d be just fine. Now get out here,” he said, snapping. “We have… things…”
“We done, then?” I inquired, and Ian nodded.
“Yeah, I’ll email you the finished version. Have fun, guys! If you see my wife out there tell her I’ll emerge sometime in the next century,” he said with a snort, going back to his editing.
Shane waved him off, grabbed my arm, and pulled me out.
“Did you get it?” I asked, and he nodded, big cheesy smile on his face. I breathed a sigh of relief. “Damn, I don’t know how I could pull this off without you.”
Shane pretended to nonchalantly examine his nails. “I don’t know how you could either, actually. Though I’m enjoying coming up with excuses to keep you out, so you can record,” he said with a wink, and I laughed, giving him a playful shove. “It’s at home. Let’s go, make sure everything fits so I don’t have to go back and strangle a bitchy seamstress, and get you home so you can sleep before tomorrow.”
I actually twirled in front of Shane’s full-length mirror at their house. Actually twirled, and I never, ever twirled. The wedding dress fit perfectly, and the green sash made it perfect. Everything flowed so smoothly, and I giddily grinned at my reflection.
Third time getting married, second time in a dress. This was the only time I think I felt like a princess. And I think it had a little bit to do with who I was marrying.