by Fox, Lizzie
Kieran: Someone from a hospital in Milwaukee called me? Said Jessie was admitted? I’m her emergency contact but told them to call you. Is she okay? They wouldn’t tell me much more than that.
Jessie’s fine, but she fell and is in the hospital.
Kieran: Fuck! Was she drunk?
I sighed, cringing. I hated to say the words, but…
Yeah.
Kieran: Damn I was afraid of this.
Do you still have that number for her sponsor?
Kieran: Yep. Kelly O’Connors, (000) 555-0695
Does she text?
Kieran: Yeah.
Got it. Thanks. I’ll be in touch.
Kieran: Tell her we’re thinking of her. And tell her to get better.
Will do.
Then, I punched in another number and shot off a new message:
Hi Kelly, I’m getting in touch with you for Jessalie Reynolds. Is there a good time for you to talk?
Not more than a heartbeat went by before she responded.
Kelly: Dammit I was so worried about her. Give me five minutes and I’ll call. This number good?
Yes. I’m Seth, Jessie’s fiancé.
Kelly: Good to know you. I’ll be in touch shortly.
Sometimes the first step was just admitting there was a problem, right?
31
Jessalie
I opened my eyes and everything was blurry. That didn’t make sense because I was just in a bathroom, getting ready to take a bath. Right? So the white haze and sunlight, and the sound of a low rumbling motorcycle in the distance did not make any sense.
Where the hell was I?
My first thought, “Oh my god, am I dead?”
A familiar voice laughed behind me. “No, Jessa-love, you are most certainly not fucking dead.”
My eyes widened, and I spun around on my heels. And I saw him there. Blake Lightman. My first love, my first everything. My hands flew to my mouth to hold in my gasp, and my heart swelled and chest constricted about three sizes too tight. “Oh my god—how is—what?”
“It’s about time you showed up here, damn.”
I glanced him over. How was this possible? He was exactly how I remembered him. Loose fitting jeans with permanent grease stains on them, a t-shirt and leather jacket… and the handsomest face I’d ever seen, except for Seth’s.
Seth. Oh my god… my heart sank, feeling guilty and confused.
“It’s okay to think about him,” Blake said, raising a brow and grinning. “Someone had to get through to you.”
“But…” I protested, not even fighting the tears that began to fall or even bothering to wipe them away. Blake hesitantly closed the distance between us and gingerly reached out to brush them away. His fingers slid carefully over my cheek, sending a surge of electricity through me. I gasped at his touch; it’d been so damn long. So. Damn. Long. I closed my eyes and melted into it but forced them open again. If he was here—somehow—I wasn’t going to miss looking at that face for a damned second.
Those sky-blue eyes…that electric smile that lit up the room…
“How is it you?” I asked in a quiet voice, clasping my hand over his on my cheek, needing to feel it in mine once again.
Blake just shrugged. “The world works in mysterious fucking ways.”
I chuckled gently. Same old Blake. “You haven’t changed a bit.”
“No, not really. Time is funny that way, you know?” Blake said, and I nodded slowly.
“Can…I hug you?” I pleaded shakily.
“Of course.” Without skipping another beat, I threw myself into him, and he enveloped me in his strong arms. I noticed they were stronger than Seth’s, but Seth’s were no less comforting. He smelled just as I always remembered: a mix of gasoline from all of his time working on cars, leather, and a hint of fresh wind. I rested my cheek against his chest, hoping to feel his strong heartbeat like I always used to, but there was nothing there. Of course, there wouldn’t be…he was dead.
“But Seth is not dead, Jessa,” Blake pointed out, and I glanced up at him, leaving behind tear stains all over his gray shirt.
“How do you know what I’m thinking?” I asked, incredulous. Blake just smirked. My heart fluttered—it was adorable and sexy all at once.
“I’m in your head, baby.” He pointed a finger at my temple, keeping that same smirk on his face. “But, now that I’m here… we need to talk.”
“Talk?”
“Yep. You’re headed back down a destructive path again. I know I fucked everything up between us, but I’m not going to let you do the same,” Blake said earnestly. He nodded his head into the distance, and I could barely make out a rocky shoreline beyond the fog. He held out his hand in invitation, and I clasped it tightly and allowed him to lead me.
“What path are you talking about?” I asked, biting my lip. I knew.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. I couldn’t stop you from meeting or marrying that fucking douchebag,” Blake said with a scowl, kicking at a rock as we walked, propelling it high and far in the distance. “But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you piss this away. All because of what—me? I’m not worth it, baby. I’m just not.”
I blanched and looked at him sternly. “Yes you are. Why do you say that?”
Blake paused in our walking and sighed. “I mean, I’m not worth it anymore. You need to move on. Completely. I’ve been trying to show you all these signs for years, telling you that I was okay with you doing so. For whatever reason you needed it, but you’ve been missing them.”
I chuckled in exasperation. “Signs?”
“Would you have gone to that performance otherwise if Vics wouldn’t have invited you? You hadn’t gone out with her in months. Why that night, huh? Would you have gone up to him afterward if I didn’t put you two on the same path to find each other?” He asked, and I frowned, confused.
“Performance? The one where I met Seth?”
He nodded. “That’s the one. I had hoped, knowing how you used to be, that you’d take what you wanted and go for it. To hell with your idiot ex. That’s what I was counting on. But… I was wrong. It worked out anyway, though, thankfully.”
“Wait. You’re saying you brought us together?” I asked, amazed.
“I didn’t do that; that was… I don’t know what that was. But I was trying to let you know that it was okay to let it happen. I’m gone, now, Jessa. I’m not coming back—at least not like this,” Blake replied, frowning sadly.
“But…I miss you,” I said softly, daring to reach out and slide my fingers over his face. As always, he was hot and had a persistent blond stubble and a slight scar on the side of his chin he got from an altercation with someone in a bar once.
“I know. I miss you too. But it’s my fault I’m gone. Not yours. My. Fault.” His eyes narrowed and darkened, telling me he meant business. “I didn’t leave you for any other reason than I was fucked up in the head. None of us knew how fucked up I truly was. Something inside told me to do it, and I did it.”
“I should have seen the—”
He pressed a finger to my lips, shaking his head. “Nope, you did everything you could. It was just my time, I guess. Messed up as it is,” he said sourly. He tugged on my hand, and we continued to walk.
“It’s not fair,” I protested.
“No, it’s not. But it’s just reality. I am so damned sorry for doing it. There is nothing more I’d like to do than to go back and change that moment, but I can’t. All I can do is try to urge you to move on to something better. And that is not hanging on to me,” he said.
“You know…” I began, feeling sheepish. Should I—
“Yeah, I know. You were pregnant. Which makes what I did even more horrible,” he replied, biting his lip and shaking his head.
“Is… is it all right?” I asked, then snorted.
“The baby? That’s not how it works. Unborn souls are different. Whoever that was supposed to be, Jessa, they’re still waiting out there for you,�
� he explained with a gentle smile. “And it will happen. You were never the problem. It’s your douche ex. He was always the problem. If I could kill him with my bare hands, I would. I cannot believe you let him treat you like you did.”
“I know,” I admitted sadly. “So… what are you saying?”
“I’m not saying anything. Just that there is always hope,” Blake said, and we stopped just before the shoreline. “Let’s sit.” The beach should have been rocky and uncomfortable, but I felt nothing but flat surface as I sat next to him. “Now, what I’m really here for. The drinking has to stop, Jessa-love. No one blames you for doing it, but…it’s time to let it go.”
I nodded knowingly.
“No, I mean it.” Blake took my chin in his hand and angled my face until I could see his severe, stern expression. It was unusual for him to be so serious, and it was disconcerting for sure. “You’re heading down a path that I took, and you could potentially mess everything up, and I won’t let you do that,” he said. “Let him help you, baby.” His expression softened, and he released me.
“Who? Seth?” I asked, feeling strange, talking about my new love to my old one.
“Yes, him.” Blake shifted, stretching out his long legs in front of him like he was anxious, or uncomfortable. “There’s a reason you two work so well. Because you needed to save someone that needed to be saved. And he needs someone forgiving and patient, who can understand what it’s like to get out of control every once in a while. And both of you wear all your emotions on your sleeves, and don’t hold anything back because someone might say it’s wrong, or too soon, or they just don’t understand. You both do things your own ways and have an incredible insight to the way our minds work. An instinct or something? I don’t know,” he said with a quick laugh. “I know you did all that for me. Despite the fact that your family sucked, you took all that love you could have had for them, and gave it to me, even though I didn’t deserve it. Many people cannot accept that kind of unconditional love, but, he can.”
“Why is that? Why can he?” I wondered out loud.
“Because he’s the same damn way. Because he has such a desire to be better than where he came from, that he’s willing to admit some ugly things about himself. Most guys can’t admit that shit about themselves. Hell most people can’t admit those things. The same things I never could. The things that make someone appear weak and vulnerable. Less ‘masculine’. All that bullshit. He’s somehow taken it to work for his advantage and channeled it into this music.” Blake shook his head, smiling lightly with amazement. “Just proves that with the right people, the right attitudes, the people that should be the hardest to love actually are the best to love. If any of that makes sense; it probably doesn’t.” He snickered at himself and grinned at me.
“But… I feel like I’m forgetting you. It…hurts,” I said weakly, “I don’t think I can say goodbye.”
“You don’t have to. It’s just ‘see you later’. Much later, because you need to be here for a while,” Blake said, looking out in the distance, but then he frowned. “It’s time for me to go.”
“No—you can’t! I’ll never see you again!” I protested in a panic.
“Not true. You’re seeing me now, and you’ll see me again,” he replied, taking my hand in his and bringing it to his lips. “But you have to focus elsewhere. Get yourself better. And live that happy ever after I didn’t give you. It’s okay to move on. Watching you be sad all the time…” Blake’s lip quivered, and his voice shook. “It’s killing me. Again. Ha.”
I slugged him in the chest gently, smiling. “Very funny, Blake Lightman.”
“I know, I’m funny even in the great beyond huh? Ain’t that some shit?” He chuckled. “But seriously. You want to help me feel better?”
“That’s all I ever wanted,” I pleaded.
“All right. Then move on. Find your happy. Trust your new man, and let him love you the way I can’t right now. He’s a great guy, and I think you’re good together. Really,” Blake insisted.
“You’re actually telling me to love someone else?” I asked, surprised.
“Well… yes. You’ll always still love me, Jessa. But your heart is so big, you can handle both of us,” he replied with a grin. “And a whole lot more, eventually.” He grumbled then, shaking his head. “Yeah… I gotta go. It’s time for you to wake up and start living again.”
“But… I don’t want you to go,” I protested in a small voice, leaning against him and relishing in his smell, his feel, everything about him again.
“I’m never gone truly. Just tell me one thing,” he said. “Do you love him? Truly?”
“Seth? Yes… I do. Very much,” I replied, and he nodded.
“Good. Good. That’s what I needed to hear. Now, go be with him, live your beautiful life and eventually I’ll see you again. But I’m never far. Ever.” He tipped his head against my forehead, his blue eyes searching mine. I sighed in happiness; I never wanted to let go.
“It’s time. I love you, Jessa. Always will…but it’s time to go. And… I’m sorry for everything,” Blake said in a quiet voice. He draped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me into him, while I was lulled to a deep trance, thinking of a pair of sky-blue eyes…
I groggily peeled my eyes open, half expecting…well, I didn’t know what I was expecting. Not the shooting pain in my head, that was for sure. I lifted my hand to rub at the pain and noticed it was heavy…and attached to something. Confused, I opened my eyes the rest of the way, met with an unfamiliar scene. A hospital room?
I tried to lift my head but noticed my shoulders were pinned down by something…heavy. And… black-haired. “Seth?”
He flew upright immediately, rubbing his hands over his face and letting out a surprised noise. “Jess? Damn you scared me!” Without pause, his lips were on my cheek, and he kissed repeatedly, one of his hands smoothing over my hair. Despite the raging headache and the dizzy way the room moved, I sighed happily, gazing into his honey-colored eyes that were full of such emotion it made me want to burst.
“I’m sorry,” I replied sullenly. “I… messed up.”
Sighing he leaned over me, giving me a stern expression. “Yeah, you did. I think what makes me the saddest is that you hid all of that from me.”
“I know…” My gaze fell, ashamed, but Seth tipped my chin upward.
“No, don’t look away. We’re going to face this, okay? I called Kelly. She recommended a place in Eau Claire where she has a friend. Tasha is going to be your new sponsor, okay?” Seth explained, his tone was unwavering meaning that he wasn’t taking no for an answer.
My eyes slid shut, and I shook my head. Dammit…how could I have let things go this far?
“If you don’t, honey… we’re going to have problems. I can’t let you keep doing this to yourself. To us. I know I’m not one to talk, because I’m messed up in my own sort of way but…”
“I know, you’re getting help,” I agreed quietly.
“Yeah. I’m not perfect but… you have to do this,” Seth said earnestly, and I nodded, cringing at the sharp pain in my forehead.
“Will you come?” I asked pleadingly, and his mouth slipped into a full grin.
“Yeah. If that’s what you need, I’ll come. We’re going to fix this. But you have to promise—no more secrets. No more holding things in, all right?” Seth demanded. “I know you’ve been bothered by the baby thing and worried about this work with Miles and the crap with Adam… but don’t be. Or, if you are, just tell me about it. There are better ways of coping than drinking. Or cutting,” he added with a grimace, holding out his arm for emphasis.
“I know. You’re right,” I concurred softly. I looked up at him hesitantly. His face was lined with worry but still as gorgeous as ever, and I cursed myself for putting that worry there.
None of this was worth that.
“I promise… never again,” I swore. Seth smiled in reply and bent over to brush his lips over mine, tentative at first but heating in intensi
ty, resulting in a shot of desire thrumming through me—interrupted by the beeping machines that brought me back to reality.
“Now… let’s go home.” Seth held out his hand, and even though I was still hooked up to everything I nodded, setting mine in his, knowing that I would let him lead me anywhere.
32
Jessalie
One week later, Florida
I clenched my eyes shut, trying to process everything.
The nerves welled up inside like butterflies flitting between walls as I thought about where we were… and everything it took to get here.
A week ago, Seth and I left Milwaukee right after the hospital. I was none the worse for wear, except for a nasty headache and a cut in the back of my head, that was thankfully able to be covered by my hair.
I’d figured after working with Miles, he’d be out and distant for a couple of days, needing time to mentally recuperate but, nope. He was a live-wire, making plans, phone calls, and constantly on my ass, making sure I didn’t touch another drink. And I didn’t and wouldn’t. I couldn’t handle seeing that look of disappointment on his face. It’d have been easier, probably, had he gotten angry. Then, we could have it out and put it behind us. This was… harder somehow. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe because of the guilt I felt: I deserved to get yelled at for getting out of control. But he didn’t oblige me.
Miles was disappointed when Seth announced we were leaving early. There were some stern words on Seth’s end about money and whatnot, and Miles had acquiesced. Miles agreed, and insisted any further footage they needed for the video could be taken in Florida. Miles had actually called me personally to see if I was all right, and to apologize for any slight I may have felt that he accidentally caused.
He’d also taken it upon himself to pay the hospital bill I left behind and wouldn’t take no for an answer when Seth argued. He said he blamed himself, and he wanted to help. Maybe Miles wasn’t such a bad guy after all, just a bit misguided. And, weren’t we all in a way?