“When you say those things to me…a flame lights in my breast. I can feel it all the way in my stomach, a twinge. So, Lord Ainz—!”
“No, hol— Wai— Calm down, Albedo! C-Cocytus!”
“I’LL HANDLE THIS.”
A wave of chill blew down the corridor. The sudden change in temperature seemed to bring Albedo to her senses, and the light of reason appeared in her eyes once more.
“I CAN’T STAND BY AND WATCH THIS DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR TOWARD LORD AINZ, EVEN IF YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDIANS.”
Cocytus stepped between Ainz and Albedo with a silver spear in his hands, and it was clear that depending on her reaction, he wouldn’t hesitate to gut her.
“Please excuse me, Lord Ainz. It seems I forgot myself.”
“I accept your apology, Albedo.”
Following that act by his master, Cocytus withdrew, but he didn’t put away his spear yet.
“I know how much pressure your job puts on you. I’m sure there are times you lose yourself and just want to vent. For now, have a nice soak and relieve some of that stress. Cocytus, thanks for your assistance.”
When he had said what he had to say, he headed into the men’s bath and was just about to duck under the curtain at the entrance when he heard footsteps behind him.
“…Why are you following me, Albedo? Just in case, I’ll remind you: This is the men’s bath, and you go in the women’s bath.”
“I thought I would wash your back…”
“…No. Besides, I’m not going alone; I’ll be with the other male guardians. Do you mean to say you have no problem showing them your body?”
He thought she might say it was fine, since she was a succubus, but she answered immediately. “There’s a family bath in another area…”
“That’s not what family baths are for!”
“But, Lord Ainz, it’s not fair for you to give your affection only to them.”
“That’s right! Quite right!” said Shalltear, stopping Aura from breathing from her mouth. The dark elf was just being dragged along. Her eyes were open but contained no light. Cocytus stood behind them, miffed.
What kind of affection is taking a bath together…? Albedo has been seriously weird lately, ever since… Could that be why she’s so off the rails?
“Albedo. First, let me say one thing. I like women better than men. I’m purely heterosexual.” Albedo was about to say something, but he raised a hand to stop her. “In the future, who knows what kind of relationships we’ll have, but right now, when our place in this world is uncertain, I can’t have relationships of that sort with any of you, as leader of the organization.”
Albedo’s brow furiously furrowed.
“In the first place, you’re like the daughters of my best friends to me… It’s a bit too complicated.”
“I was wondering what you were doing standing around outside the entrance, and it appears you’re bothering Lord Ainz.”
“S-sis is…d-dead…”
“I am not!” came the retort from the lifeless girl.
“We’ve been waiting for you guys.”
“Terribly sorry to be late… Perhaps our captain needs to learn to control her emotions?”
Demiurge’s slit eyes were just slightly open. His gaze was clearly hostile. The atmosphere was filled with the serious vibes that show how frightening it was when someone who was usually so mild got angry. Cocytus followed suit and went on guard against Albedo.
Albedo, as always, remained smiling. Well, perhaps her smile intensified.
“You fools!” Ainz roared in spite of himself. “How dare you squabble among yourselves in front of me! You idiots!”
All the guardians shivered and dropped to one knee.
“Apologies, Lord Ainz!”
“…It’s fine. Stand up, everyone.” Upon confirming they were all on their feet, he spoke in a mild tone one would use to reprove children. “Stop bickering about stupid, pointless stuff. That sort of thing is what disappoints me the most. Got it?”
Hearing everyone’s acknowledgment, Ainz felt his anger completely disappear.
“Okay, let’s take a bath and refresh. Men, come with me. Aura, I appoint you the observer of the women. Make sure those two don’t try to pull anything stupid.”
“Understood!”
A fire leaped into Aura’s eyes. Perhaps she thought this was her chance to counterattack—Shalltear and Albedo couldn’t conceal their alarm at the blazing heat wave.
Ainz went through the curtain that said MEN, choosing to ignore the clamorous voices he could hear behind him.
He took off his clothes in the locker room. If he had come with his usual gear set, there would have been a lot to remove, but since he had prepared ahead of time, he could disrobe quickly.
He threw off his clothes and walked forward.
Whenever I’m naked I wonder how I manage to move…
He was a skeleton with neither flesh nor muscle. According to Satoru Suzuki’s common sense, he was impossible. Of course, in this world it was natural, so he just had to accept it, but questions like these still popped into his head from time to time.
“I’m going in.”
“P-please wait!”
Mare ran over to him buck naked.
He may have been an exceedingly effeminate boy, but seeing him like this made it clear he was male.
His build was that of a child, with basically no muscle. The fact that a body that would probably squish when poked could unleash so much power struck Ainz as another one of this world’s unfathomable laws.
As he examined Mare’s nakedness thinking those things, he gave the boy a warning. “Don’t run in here. It’s dangerous with the wet floor.”
A guardian couldn’t die from slipping and cracking their head open, but Mare looked so much like a child Ainz couldn’t help but worry.
“Y-yes, sir. My apologies.”
You don’t have to apologize, thought Ainz.
“Sorry to have kept you waiting.” Demiurge and Cocytus appeared.
Demiurge’s body was toned and muscular, sleek. Even though the parts beneath his clothes couldn’t be fully designed, with those muscles he definitely looked like the work of Ulbert.
“Nothing different about you, huh, Cocytus?”
“Well, he’s always naked.”
“COULD YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING ME SOUND LIKE A PERVERT?”
“Sorry. You’ve got outer skin armor, so it’s no wonder you always look the same.”
Outer skin armor was a type of bodily armament. As with Shalltear’s nails and fangs, the hardness and resistance, as well as the amount of data crystals it could be augmented with, increased as the character leveled up.
There were many pros to this sort of armor, including less gear swapping, simple repairs after being damaged by a weapon-breaking attack using any healing spell that recovered HP, and the assurance that it couldn’t be dropped upon death.
On the other hand, there were some cons as well. Its stats would never match up to the main gear of a player of the same level. Even a bodily armament at level 100 almost never reached God tier. Maybe someone with a class that could acquire skills to boost bodily armaments could push it to God tier, but Ainz wasn’t sure if it was really possible or not.
For a player, that seemed like an awful lot of cons, but for an NPC it was a great option. With bodily armaments, they didn’t require a ton of different gear, which meant less work for the player who created them.
“THANK YOU.” Cocytus bowed.
It wasn’t as if he had said it to defend him, but…
Is he being tormented—or messed with—over this so much that it warrants a thank-you? Maybe I should say something to the others…
Is this what a teacher feels like when there’s bullying going on in the class? Ainz wondered how Yamaiko felt as he called to members of the men’s bath group. “Okay, let’s go.”
Ainz led the way into the baths.
The large facility was divided in
to twelve areas.
First were the baths. The largest was the jungle bath, then there was the atmospheric ancient Roman bath, the yuzu bath, the carbonated bath, the jet bath, the electric bath featuring a low-level current that caused a full-body tingling sensation, a cold bath with charcoal floating in it, the Cherenkov bath with its mysterious light caused by who knew what, and the mixed-sex outdoor (though the scenery was artificial) bath.
Besides that, there was also a sauna, a hot-stone spa area, and finally the recreation room.
“So where should we go? I’d like to hear your suggestions.”
“I FIND THE COLD BATH A TEMPTING CHOICE. I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE DELIGHTS OF A COLD BATH, LORD AINZ.”
Ainz had resistance to chill, so getting into a freezing cold bath wouldn’t bother him, but going to the cold bath first seemed wrong.
“Cocytus…we came here for a relaxing soak…”
Cocytus realized what the issue was once Mare voiced an objection. Another comment followed.
“We came to soak, so we should probably choose a warm bath that will improve our circulation… Oh, wait. I should probably ask: Can you go in hot water? You won’t cook like a lobster or something, will you?”
“NO PROBLEM. MY EXOSKELETON PROVIDES FIRE RESISTANCE, DESPITE YOU ALL CALLING ME NAKED.” He chuckled proudly.
“Uh, so, in that case I think a normal bath would be fine.”
“THE COLD BATH IS THE BEST… IT FEELS GREAT IF YOU GO IN HUGGING A BLOCK OF ICE…”
“I won’t say it’s only you, but it has to be a very tiny minority who enjoy that…”
“W-well, this won’t be any fun if we all go separate ways. Let’s just head around to each bath in turn. We can start with the normal jungle one. My friend worked really hard on creating it.”
Everyone said they were looking forward to it, although Cocytus sounded a bit forlorn, and Ainz led them to the jungle bath.
The jungle was thick with artificial flora. Though he knew it was fake, it seemed so real that it felt like a monster would come crawling out at any moment.
“This is a bath based on a place that used to really exist, the Amazon River. Belliver helped Blue Planet build it.”
The guardians were impressed. Ainz took a pail and bath stool into the washing area ahead of them.
Why are all the pails in this spa yellow? I heard it’s traditional, but… Maybe it’s just the standard color?
“This goes without saying, but you need to wash before you get in the bath. The way I wash myself gets stuff everywhere, though, so you guys should keep your distance.”
With that, he dumped the pail of hot water over his head. The liquid dropped surprisingly quickly through his body and splashed hard on the floor. Since he was full of gaps, it was really hard to get his body wet with just one pailful. After a few more, he was finally wet all over, so he took out the brush he had brought along.
He squirted a generous amount of liquid soap on it and began scrubbing. Once again, due to the gaps in his body, he might as well have been scrubbing a colander; bubbles went flying everywhere.
Yeah. I should have brought my cute little bath buddy Sankichi.
He didn’t want his subordinates to see him covered in goop, so he hadn’t brought the slime along, but he hadn’t washed himself in a while, and it was quite a pain.
As Ainz was scrubbing with all his might, Mare approached with a yellow stool in one hand. He seemed nervous, but his face, flushed from the heat of the bath, gave Ainz a smile.
“L-Lord Ainz, I-I’ll wash your back!”
“Hmm? Oh! I see. You’ll wash it for me? But my body is such a pain. Use the brush. It’ll be too hard to do with a cloth.”
Ainz turned his back and Mare slowly began to scrub.
“Hey, you’re pretty good at this.”
“Thank you!”
Really, he had no standards for good or bad, but his gratitude toward Mare inspired him to say that.
When Ainz looked to see how the other two were doing…
“Okay, then I’ll wash your back.”
“MUCH OBLIGED.”
…he couldn’t help but smile ear to ear, not that his skull had ears.
The Great Tomb of Nazarick is the best place there is.
He smiled even more when he heard the boy’s voice behind him saying, “Okay, so I washed that spot.”
“Thanks, Mare. Next, I’ll wash your back. Come on.”
Ainz grabbed the flustered boy’s shoulders and whirled him around. Then he grabbed his towel and put soap on it.
He rubbed carefully so it wouldn’t hurt, aiming for a less forceful version of the way he washed himself.
“It doesn’t hurt, does it?”
“I-I’m all right!”
After washing Mare’s bizarrely stiff back, he handed the towel back to him.
“You can do the front yourself, right?”
“O-of course!”
Ainz picked up his brush and began working on his ribs, careful not to spatter Mare.
“I’ll be inside.”
Demiurge, having finished washing, headed for the bath, his tail swaying. Next was Cocytus, whose body was probably second to only Ainz’s in difficulty to wash, but since he could use four arms, it didn’t take so long. After that, of course, was Mare. Ainz didn’t finish until a few minutes after everyone else.
The bath was fairly large, and water poured out of the mouths of quite detailed lion statues. The air was hot. As he waded through the steam, he noticed Cocytus slightly off to one side while the other two were soaking together, having secured a reasonable amount of personal space.
“Ahh, this feels great.”
Ainz had the idea that kids usually swam around in the bathwater, but Mare just relaxed with his towel on his head. Seeing the boy act like more of a tired adult, he was shocked. The guardians’ jobs must be seriously exhausting.
“Yeah. It feels almost like the tiredness gets rinsed out of your core.” Demiurge had taken off his glasses. He cupped some water and poured it over his face with a sigh like a middle-aged man.
“IT’S SO HOT…”
“Huh? W-wait, I thought you said you had resistance.”
“I DO, BUT I NEVER GO TO SUCH HOT PLACES, SO I’M NOT USED TO IT.”
“…Still, that’s no excuse to use your chill aura. Please don’t come over here. A bath is more comfortable when it’s hot.”
Ainz realized why Cocytus was off on his own. The area in his vicinity was probably only lukewarm.
“YOU HAVE FLAME RESISTANCE, SO MAYBE IT’S GOOD FOR YOU, DEMIURGE, BUT…THE COLD BATH ISN’T BAD, EITHER, YOU KNOW.”
“Not interested. Besides, I turned down my resistance to enjoy this. Don’t you have the strength to withstand a little pain?”
“THAT’S A PRETTY DULL CHALLENGE COMING FROM YOU, DEMIURGE, BUT I LIKE IT.”
“Cut it out. We’re in the bath to have fun. If you want to test each other’s endurance, go to the sauna. You don’t have to soak in here if it’s not fun for you.”
Mare, whose face was beaded with sweat, let out a steamy sigh.
“Look. That’s how you enjoy a bath. Mare, get out if you start cooking.”
“I-I’m all right, Lord Ainz! I’ll use magic if I need to!”
That’s sort of missing the point, too, thought Ainz, but he didn’t say so. Instead, he looked over at Demiurge. “…Do you think you should bathe if you have to use resistance?”
“Isn’t that one way to do it, Lord Ainz? You don’t overheat because you’re an undead, right? That strikes me as sort of the same thing.”
“…You’re right.”
He could feel the warmth seeping into his body, but it didn’t feel as good as it did when he was human.
I guess there are pluses and minuses to being undead…
As he was lamenting his lost happiness…
“Hmm?”
He looked up and around the steamy bath.
“What is it, my lord
?”
“I thought I heard someone call my name…”
“MAYBE FROM NEXT DOOR?” Cocytus pointed at the wall he was leaning against.
“Over there is…ah, the women’s bath?”
“I see. But aren’t those walls supposed to be pretty thick?”
“MAYBE THE VOICES ARE LOUDER DUE TO THE ECHO?”
Ainz focused his ears in spite of himself. He didn’t have any untoward purpose; he was simply curious as to what the women talked about when they were alone. So he didn’t do anything unbecoming of the ruler of the Great Tomb of Nazarick, like press his ear up against the wall. On the contrary, he moved away from the wall and lingered across from it.
“Albedo, you have a lot of hair down there!”
Ainz frowned at the conversation he heard.
“Aura, don’t make it sound so weird! Ahh, Lord Ainz must be just over this wall. I wonder if there’s a peephole.”
Ainz earnestly scanned the wall, suddenly worried someone had included some kind of pervy prank. There was a period during which the members of the guild really got into making that sort of thing. There was a good chance some kind of gimmick was left over from those days.
“Isn’t it usually the other way around?”
“Lord Ainz would never do that. If he wanted to see us, all he would have to do is order us to show him, so there’s no need to peep.”
“Oh, for once you said something that made sense, Shalltear.”
“For once? How rude. But hey, is that a toothbrush? I wish you wouldn’t brush—er, wash—in the water.”
“I can’t help it. It’s so hard for me to wash; I can really only manage it in a big bathtub like this.”
He heard Albedo’s voice from a slightly elevated position and then a loud brushing noise.
“Ah, I see what you mean. I guess it’s fine, then.”
“Thanks.”
“Ugh, don’t stare like that. It’s creepy. You’re not going to brush, Shalltear?”
“I brush normally in my room, so there’s no need. Speaking of which, though, is it even possible for us to get cavities?”
“Even if we can’t, kissing with stinky breath could cool a love that blazed for a hundred or even a thousand years.”
The brushing stopped, and he heard someone moving around.
The Two Leaders Page 28