“Why does she have all of that stuff?” I asked Devi.
Devi pursed her lips. “She always has that stuff. Those are her travel-size bottles. You should see what she keeps in her locker.”
“She’s five.”
“She has an older sister, and her mom can’t be with them all the time. She works, you know.” The last comment was a little too pointed for my taste.
“I work.”
“Yes, but Abby’s mom works at a normal job. She’s an electrician.”
“An electrician! Really? That’s awesome. What a useful skill.”
“There’s no magic in it though.”
“I don’t know. Electricity seems magic to me. Besides, I thought you admired her ‘normal’ job.”
Devi considered my words. “Now that I think of it, normal is boring. I told my friends that you had magic and made the fairies appear. Is that okay?”
“It’s fine, baby. We’ll figure that out later. But you should know,” I corrected, catching Elowen’s look from the corner of my eye, “that these are piskies, not fairies. They don’t like to be confused.”
“We are totally different!” said Elowen, who flew over to sit on Devi’s shoulder. Despite her herself, Devi was enchanted and held out her hand so the piskie could step onto her palm.
“What’s the difference?” asked my daughter politely. “I wouldn’t want to make that mistake again.” I was proud of her. She knew to be diplomatic when dealing with tiny little beings with swords. Wise, my child. Wise.
“Well, it’s obvious!” stated Elowen, tapping her foot, which must have tickled because Devi giggled. “We have elongated wings. Fairies, disgusting creatures, have rounded wings.”
Devi gave a solemn nod. “Thank you for explaining.”
Elowen continued. “We nourish the land and flowers and all blooming things. Fairies only cause mischief. They have no purpose at all.”
“I thought fairies protected children and aided lost travelers,” I said, not nearly as diplomatic as my five-year-old daughter. “And delivered messages.” My daughter elbowed me.
“Yeah, they’re a regular courier service,” spat Elowen. “And they’re as likely to trick a traveler as help one. It is true they shelter and defend children,” she admitted. “We all do. It’s only the big Fae that aren’t nice to kids.” This last part she muttered under her breath. A good decision. You never knew when the big Fae were listening.
“Thank you for the clarification, Elowen,” I said, following Devi’s lead before she stepped on my foot as well. My tactful response earned a “go-girl” nod from my mini-me.
“Now,” said Elowen, letting out a piercing whistle that drew Lowena to her side. “What are we to do with this hair?” She circled Devi’s head. “It’s a rat’s nest!” She sent me an accusing look. “Don’t you take care of your children?”
I stammered. “I do, but Devi doesn’t like to brush her hair.”
“And you let her get away with that?” demanded Lowena. “Stupid humans. Come, Devi, let’s get you sorted.”
“But I don’t like brushing my…” She was cut off with a quick tsk-tsk from Lowena. “That’s because when humans do it, they pull, and it hurts, right?” Devi nodded. “Well, when we do it, it doesn’t hurt at all. Promise. We would never harm a child.”
Devi’s eyebrows met at the center of her forehead, but she trudged along after the two piskies and plopped on the ground, arms crossed. The piskies sang to her as they worked with their tiny little hands to undo the knots. I bit my lip waiting for the temper tantrum, but none came. The piskies whispered to Devi, and whatever they said must have been funny because Devi giggled and didn’t flinch as their dainty, dexterous fingers untangled her mane.
I wondered if I could keep these ladies on retainer.
The doorbell rang as the girls’ parents arrived to take them home. We’d done it! We made it through our first mock sleepover. I pumped my fist in the air.
Chapter Seven
“No, Daniel! No! Jess! Jess!”
Nathaniel’s panic made my feet move as fast as they ever had, and I arrived at the top of the stairs like a momma bear hit by lightning. Wired, aggressive, and ready for anything.
Or so I thought.
Daniel, my lovely Daniel, had slipped out of his crib again, shoved some kind of cookie in his mouth by the look of it, and…
…had opened the closet with the bow inside, which he had notched with nerf arrows, shooting Abby’s mom, Lisa, and Debby’s father, Josh. Those two were now making dreamy eyes at each other, and Daniel was giggling, while dribbling cookie onto the floor.
“How did you get that?” I exclaimed, reaching for him, but before I could stop him, he shot an arrow right past me and hit Dany’s mom, who was standing next to Sammy’s dad. He notched another and hit Sammy’s dad, and then…then…he got a twofer and hit Sammy’s mom and Dany’s dad with one arrow.
The couples fell all over each other while Nathaniel closed the door to the basement so the girls wouldn’t hear, and I ran outside to get Blaze. Blaze rushed in at my call, took one look around, and collapsed into hysterics on my family room floor.
“Thanks a lot, you rotten bird!” I said, turning my attention to Daniel, who was still holding the bow, smiling a sophisticated smile not like him at all.
“Come here and let me look at you, Daniel,” I said, eyes squinted because I had a suspicion that my young son wasn’t alone in his cute little body.
Daniel shuffled aside, which confirmed my concerns.
“Cupid. I know a cupid is in there. Get out of my son, right now.”
The cherub cupid responded through Daniel’s mouth. “I felt the call of the bow. I had to come.” He giggled like the little maniac he was. These cherubs are agitating little hellions, the punks of the mythological world.
“Why are you in Daniel? I don’t like you using him as a host, you little twit.”
Daniel’s body pulled up in offense. “Watch who you are calling names, Monster Hunter. I’m in Daniel because I have to take over a baby’s body. He’s still young enough. Don’t worry, Daniel is sleeping soundly. I’d never hurt a child.”
I’d heard that from the piskies and knew it to be true of cupids as well. Cupids were mischievous, rabble-rousing bastards, but they wouldn’t injure a kid. It wasn’t in their natures.
Still…
I made a grab for the cupid, but he dashed away. “Get back here, you little weasel! I want you out of my son, and you need to reverse all of this,” I yelled, pointing to the couples on the floor. “These people are innocent. You’re meddling with their lives!”
I chased the cupid around the dining room table, down the hall to the bedrooms, and reeled as my son’s body flew over my head, cackling madly. I ran after him, quick enough to see him settle on top of a tall bookshelf, holding the bow at the ready.
“Fix this!” I demanded.
“No.”
Asshole. My poor husband was trying to unwind the mixed-up couples, but they were focused on their actions, so I tried to help, pulling on Sammy’s dad, who was passionately kissing Dany’s mom, which made me completely ill. Instead of separating, the two love-birds jumped to their feet and ran out the open back door, ignoring the laughing phoenix on the floor.
The second couple also ran out the door, still mostly dressed, and I ran out after them, Nathaniel on my heels. I kicked Blaze on the way, and he wiped his eyes and came out to assist. I heard a yelp as one couple tried to find privacy behind a tree and ran into a gorilla. They dodged the gorilla, held hands, and dashed across the lawn only to encounter a wolf. Nothing deterred them. They rushed in another direction, and Blaze had to intervene.
We’d cornered the loving pair who gave up on privacy and necked right there in the middle of a circle made of an emu-sized bird, a wolf, and a gorilla. You had to admire their perseverance.
I sprinted back in the house to corral the cupid and persuade him to reshoot them with arrows and reverse the spell.
I got three steps into the house when Buddha shouted in my mind.
Danger! Danger! Danger!
I skittered to a sharp stop. “Where?”
Nearby, not here yet.
“What kind? Who’s coming?”
Vampire.
Holy crap on a cracker. Pascal was attacking now? Now? I had to think and prioritize. I needed all my troops. I opened the door to the downstairs. “Piskies! Assemble!”
Lowena and Elowen arrived first. “What’s going on?” they asked.
I explained as best as possible.
“We need our General,” Lowena said.
I snapped my fingers. “Cupid! My family is in danger. I’m releasing a piskie from a jar. You must hit her with an arrow to undo her love for my husband. We don’t have time to argue.”
Cupid hung in the air, pouting. “Why should I? I’m having fun.”
“Because if you don’t, I’m calling your mother, and she’ll spank you so darn fast, you’ll be scorch mark on the road to Olympus. Capiche?”
I had no idea if Venus would answer my call since I didn’t worship the Greek pantheon, but it was a good bluff. The cupid turned slightly green and stammered, “Ah. Okay. Okay. No need to go with the rough stuff.”
I grabbed Gothskie off the plant shelf and took a good look at her. The piskie was plastered against the jar, waving a fist at me. “I need your help, Gothskie, and Cupid here is going to undo this nasty spell so you don’t make a play for my husband again, you tiny little jezebel.” I unscrewed the cap, Gothskie shot out, and Cupid’s arrow hit her straight in the chest.
The piskie shook herself, a whole-body shake, like a dog coming out of a lake, pointed at me, and said, “This stays between us, Gigantor.”
I crossed my heart.
“Situation,” Gothskie demanded.
I gave a quick rundown and was relieved when she didn’t blink at the word vampire.
“Troops!” she yelled. “Elowen, my liege, can you please lull the girls to sleep downstairs?” I breathed a sigh of relief. Good idea, Gothskie.
After that, General Gothskie issued orders faster than I could comprehend them, but I did ask that a few piskies be sent outside the protective circle to reconnoiter.
“Done,” snapped Gothskie. “What do you think I am, an amateur? Our queen follows my orders in battle because I’ve earned it. Now, get out of my way.” The piskie pushed me aside with one itsy sweep of her arm, and I decided to let her be. Not that I could have stopped her, but that also would remain between us.
Nathaniel rushed back into the house, out of breath, hair wild, and he had scratches on his face and arms. He put his hands on his knees to catch his breath. “Let’s review the situation, Jess.”
I squirmed knowing this wasn’t going to be easy. I ticked off the summary statements on my fingers.
“Our son has a cupid in his body. The cupid has willfully and deliberately created mixed up lovers out of our guests’ parents. We have a gorilla, a wolf, and a phoenix in our yard, corralling one set of said lovers. The other set is nowhere to be seen. We have a divorced woman and widowed man in our living room doing God-Knows-What, but I don’t feel as bad about that one. It’s probably good for them. They need to blow off steam.”
I took a deep breath. “Buddha says danger is coming in the form of a vampire, so I’ve enlisted the piskies to patrol the perimeter and scout our surroundings. The piskies did the girls’ hair and lulled the girls’ to sleep so they don’t witness any of this.”
Nathaniel nodded along with my analysis and asked the most important question. “Did the piskies do Devi’s hair, too?”
“They did! Isn’t that amazing?”
“Incredible. Maybe we can get them to come before school?”
“I mean to ask them when this is over.”
“Good. Oh, one other detail, David is asleep. I think the romance exhausted him.”
“So, that only leaves us with one possessed child,” I said.
“That’s about it.”
“We can deal.”
Nathaniel and I high-fived each other and waded out into the morass of our lives.
Chapter Eight
I hadn’t told Nathaniel about the photo of my mother with Pascal, not because I was holding anything back, but because the new developments distracted me. I knew I needed to tell him, but he was in the backyard spraying cold water onto the mom with the wrong dad.
A yell turned my attention to the right where the second pair of unsuitable lovers ran out from behind a tree screaming, “Gorilla! Gorilla!” Rocko pounded out after them, Shura nipping at their heels, Blaze sauntering along enjoying the show.
“Can’t you stop them?” I asked, miffed at my bird-brain friend for not taking this more seriously.
No, we can’t. We’ve tried. We need to let the spell run its course.
“Or, you could go inside and get that damn cupid to reverse the spell and get the hell out of my kid.” I didn’t think push-ups would be required for the swearing in this particular case.
I’ll see what I can do, Blaze said, pivoting on his huge Tweety-bird feet. He stopped short and turned his grapefruit-sized eyes to me, suddenly serious. Anything from the border patrol?
“Not yet. I’m going to weapon up. You deal with the cupid.”
Roger dodger. I kept many weapons in my garage and elsewhere throughout the house. There was always something within reach, but this time, I wanted my favorites. I hooked up my baseball bat for an overhead draw, shoved my grill lighter in my pocket, a smallish jar of blessed Manischewitz wine in my other pocket, and holstered a magical tomahawk to my right hip. It was an ancient tool I’d procured during the recent museum trip, and no matter how or where I threw it, it would come back to me. Handy.
I’d recently practiced with another weapon, and I coiled it now, connecting it to my belt with a carabiner. I’d rigged the carabiner so that I could pull the coil out with one tug. Not recommended for rock climbing, but perfect when one wants to whip the hell out of someone with a wooden-handled jump rope.
The jump rope was Ovid’s idea. Ovid Sitler, originally named Adolf Sitler until he changed it for the Roman poet, was my trainer, and had a bit of precognition to him, so when he brought out a new weapon, or pushed me hard in my training, I paid attention. Once he’d put me through my paces, insisting I pretend to have a broken leg. Another time, he insisted I learn to fight without my vision. Those exercises both proved to be prophetic, so when he pulled out a boxing jump rope, I simply tied on my shoes and got to practicing. I could jump fairly well, crisscrossing in front of my body, doing double jumps, you name it. I’d boxed for a long time.
So you can imagine my surprise when he grabbed it out of my hands and told me I was using it wrong.
I’d arrived at the gym that day frazzled, as always, because I’d had to deal with my nemesis, Regina, the senior employee at the facility’s day care. I always dropped Daniel off so I could train, but facing down Regina gave me the hives.
That morning, the conversation had gone as well as could be expected, which is to say, not well at all.
“Mrs. Friedman. Have you given any thought to placing Daniel in a full-time nursery school where he will receive the discipline he requires? I left a list of such entities in his cubby.” Regina wore a long skirt, sensible shoes, and long-sleeved top in taupe.
“Yes, I saw that Regina. Thank you, and no, I haven’t given it much thought. I have to go now. I’m sure we can talk about this another time.”
Regina clucked her tongue at me, and my heart sped up and my palms perspired. “Mrs. Friedman, as you know, Daniel’s imagination is superlative, but he needs structure to understand what is fancy and what is fact. Three-year-olds are capable of telling the difference, and he is quite intelligent, even if his language skills are behind. It is important that we get him to understand fibbing is not allowed.”
“I’m aware of your opinion, Regina.” I turned to go, but she placed a hand on my arm. She was luc
ky I didn’t break that hand. My natural instinct was to grab it, twist it at the wrist, and give it a hard thrust upward, breaking it at the large knuckles. I was proud of myself for holding back.
I did notice that her nails were filed to perfect ovals and she wore clear nail polish.
“Mrs. Friedman.” I hated how she always used my name as a statement dripping with derision. I bit my cheek and nodded for her to continue.
“Mrs. Friedman, Daniel grabbed a plastic gorilla from the animal bin the other day and named him Rocko.”
“So?”
“He said his mommy, meaning you, Mrs. Friedman, had a gorilla as a friend.”
Sweat trickled down my back. “Rocko is the name of the gorilla at the zoo.”
“He also claimed that a shadow stole a boy out of his bedroom.”
I hesitated. This was true, actually. A black-elf had stolen a boy, Joseph, out of his bedroom. I decided silence was the better source of valor and simply raised an eyebrow.
“Mrs. Friedman.”
I almost lost it right there.
“Mrs. Friedman. What I’m trying to communicate to you is that Daniel is mixed up, confused, and doesn’t understand reality, or, if he does, is an incorrigible liar. There. Now, I’ve said it plain.” She rushed the last part out in a stream of words but held her head high and her shoulders stiff as if she were taking a principled stand in the face of great evil.
Suddenly, I stopped being nervous and was pissed off. I used her last name.
“Mrs. Flint. My child is three years old with a wonderful imagination. He is not confused, nor is he a liar, and I resent the way you speak about him. You, obviously, are unable to deal with a creative mind such as Daniel’s.”
Regina Flint lifted her nose. “I only want what’s best for the child.”
“You’re a judgmental old prune.” I called to the younger babysitter. “Faith, will you look after Daniel, please?” I gave Regina a stare. “Only Faith.”
“Sure, Mrs. Friedman. Come here, Daniel. Let’s play with dolls.” Daniel toddled over, picked up a female doll, and used the doll to punch a stuffed Where the Wild Things Are Gruffalo in the face. “Mommy kills you!” he yelled, making the female doll strike the monster around the head and shoulders. He followed up with a hearty, “Die, motherfucker!” and immediately dropped to his tummy, which I realized was him doing push-ups. Even Faith looked alarmed. Regina looked on in horror.
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