by Karen Rose
He ground his teeth audibly. ‘You did not betray him. You sure as hell didn’t kill him. He could have fought for his life. He could have taken the cocktail. He could have found out that he was positive long before he developed full-blown AIDS and not given it to you. And if he didn’t want to fight, he could have OD’d on sedatives. He could have arranged to be found by someone who didn’t know him. There were lots of things he could have and should have done.’
Dani retreated behind the mask she wore when people around her became angry. ‘All those things are true, Diesel. But my point is, when he needed me most, I became like Jim. I was not nice. Under stress, I am not nice.’
Diesel shoved to his feet, his chair flying backward to clatter on the floor, making her jump. ‘You did not become like Jim,’ he snarled. ‘And wipe that look from your face. Right now. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. That’s the face you wear when things get heavy. When you have to deal with confrontations. I’ve seen it too many times, Dani. I will not be the cause of it. You wanted to talk? Let’s talk now, shall we?’
‘Not if you’re going to yell at me,’ she managed in her frostiest voice.
‘I will damn well yell!’ he shouted. ‘And so will you. Do you know how to yell? Have you ever done it? When was the last time you really yelled at someone?’
Her mouth opened, but no words would come. She licked her lips and tried again. ‘When I yelled at Adrian in the hospital,’ she whispered.
Diesel’s fury seemed to disappear. He leaned against the kitchen island, his hands gripping its edge so tightly that his knuckles were white. But his big body sagged. ‘And before that? Had you ever just yelled because you were mad, Dani?’
She tried to remember. But came up blank. ‘No. That was the first time.’
‘And it ended very badly,’ Diesel ground out. ‘I’m betting that you didn’t yell when you lived with Jim, before your mom married Bruce. Or Jim would have thrown you all out.’ He turned his head to stare at her, still leaning against the island like he was mid push-up. ‘Did you?’
She thought about her younger self. And realized he was right. ‘No.’
‘And when your mom married Bruce. Did you yell then? Or were you afraid that Bruce would stop loving you and your mother if you misbehaved?’
He was right again. ‘No. I mean yes. No, I didn’t yell. Yes, I guess I was afraid he’d leave.’
‘And then he left anyway,’ Diesel murmured.
She flinched. ‘Bruce didn’t leave. He died.’
‘Same outcome, wasn’t it? You were alone and living with Jim again. Right?’
Her throat had suddenly become thick. ‘Yes. It was the same.’
‘And then Adrian left you, too. Left you with a huge burden.’
Her eyes burned. He had. She nodded, because words were impossible.
He turned to lean his hip against the island, his handsome face sad but determined. ‘You leave before you can get left,’ he said. ‘You leave before it’s even possible to get left.’
‘I’m comfortable being alone,’ she whispered, but she didn’t believe it. Not anymore. Faith had said the same thing. And she’d been right. So was Diesel.
‘Bullshit,’ he snapped. ‘That really means you’re scared. Maybe subconsciously you want me to prove to you that I won’t leave. I can’t do that. You either trust me or you don’t. But I can’t force you to do either.’ He rubbed both palms over his head before dragging them down his face. ‘I could make you really happy, Dani. I know I could. But you have to want it, too. If not with me, then with someone else.’ He smiled so sadly. ‘Otherwise you’re going to spend your life alone. I don’t want that for you. Even if it’s not me sharing it with you.’
He held her gaze for another moment, before turning away and digging into his pocket for the keys to his truck. ‘Come on,’ he said gently. ‘I’ll take you home.’
Home. Where two ‘temporary’ boys waited. And when they were gone, she’d be alone again. Her future suddenly stretched before her, silent and gray. One place setting at her table, a single indented pillow. No laughter.
He makes me laugh. He makes me . . . happy. And Dani desperately wanted that. Wanted to laugh. Wanted to be happy. Wanted the kisses and the shared meals. The shared bed.
She was on her feet before she knew she was going to move. ‘Wait.’ She hesitated, then crossed the kitchen to stand before him, gripping one hand with the other so hard that it hurt. His eyes were wary, his body held rigid as if he was bracing himself against a blow, and that hurt more.
‘I don’t know how to do this,’ she admitted.
He drew a breath that filled his chest. ‘Do what?’
‘Be with you. I don’t know how to not mess it up. I don’t know how to make you stay. But I want to try. I do want this.’ She swallowed. ‘I want you.’
His big hand trembled as he pushed her hair behind her ear, then cupped her cheek again. She leaned into the contact, her eyes closing as she felt her heart settle. Yes. This is right. This is where I’m supposed to be.
‘You need to be sure, Dani,’ he croaked, his voice breaking. ‘If you change your mind, I . . .’
He what? If she changed her mind, what would he do? Her nightmare abruptly changed, Adrian’s broken body on the rocks becoming Diesel’s. Her gaze jerked up to meet his, and she suspected that the instant fear that had filled her was now apparent on her face, because he rushed to soothe.
‘No, Dani, not that. If you change your mind, I’ll survive. I won’t take my life.’ His eyes filled with pain and then tears. ‘Is that what you’re afraid of? That if you hurt me, if you make me angry, I’ll kill myself?’
She did. She hadn’t even realized it until that moment. ‘Yes,’ she whispered.
‘Well, I won’t,’ he said fiercely. ‘I won’t ever even threaten it. I promise you that. But it will hurt me.’
Relief made her hand shake as she lifted it to trace her fingertips over his lips, so soft and warm. ‘I don’t want to hurt you. Ever.’
He caught her wrist in his big hand, holding it like it was fine china as he kissed her fingers. ‘Then don’t,’ he said simply. Sweetly. ‘Just be with me. That’s all I want.’
‘You should want more,’ she whispered. ‘You deserve more.’
He shook his head. ‘I want you. I deserve you.’
She opened her mouth to challenge him, then remembered Stone’s words. Take a page out of Delores’s book and let him make his own choices. She’d do that. But first he needed all the information. ‘I come with baggage, Diesel.’
‘We all do.’
‘My baggage is . . . extra. You said you needed me to be sure. I need the same thing. I need you to know what you’re giving up.’
Once again, he seemed to brace himself, but this time it seemed like it was for an argument rather than a physical blow. ‘Okay. Shoot.’
‘You love children. I . . .’ She lifted her chin. ‘I don’t plan to have babies.’
He shrugged. ‘There are too many kids who need homes. Who need families to love them. Kids like Michael and Joshua. A child doesn’t need my DNA for me to love him. Or her.’ He hesitated. ‘Although I’d like to know why. Is it your status? Or the syndrome? Or your career? Any are reasonable, but I’d like to understand.’
It was a fair question. ‘All of the above? I mean, I know that women who are positive can safely carry and birth an HIV negative baby, but there are risks.’
‘And if one of your positive patients wanted to have a baby?’
‘I’d tell her the risks and recommend counseling, just in case her baby is born positive. I know positive women who choose to give birth and I’m happy for them, I really am, but I don’t think I could handle passing the virus to a baby. And if that baby was deaf and HIV positive?’ She shook her head. ‘If it happened, I’d be there for my child, don’t
get me wrong. But I’m happy fostering kids that need me. I also love my career, and a baby changes everything.’ She looked down to stare at their shoes, not wanting to see his disappointment at her next confession. ‘And I know it’s selfish, but I raised Greg. I was basically a single mom at sixteen. I’ve done the midnight feedings. I’ve been through teething and colic and chickenpox. I’m okay with not doing that again.’
He hooked a finger under her chin and lifted it so that she looked at him. There was no trace of disappointment. No censure. Only tenderness and hope.
The hope nearly broke her. Please don’t let me hurt him. But this time her prayer was because she was keeping him, not sending him away.
‘Not selfish,’ he murmured. ‘Honest. And I understand your reasons. I can live with them, as long as adoption remains on the table.’
‘It does,’ she said.
His smile stole her breath. ‘Good. Next?’
‘My levels are undetectable, but that could change. I could get . . . sick.’
His gaze didn’t falter. ‘I know. You’re asking again for me to prove I won’t leave. I can only give you my word, Dani. I’m not afraid of sickness.’
One corner of her mouth lifted. ‘Or doctors. Not anymore.’
He brushed a kiss over her lips, sending shivers rippling across her skin. ‘It was a phobia worth conquering.’
She closed her eyes, wanting to preserve the moment, the feeling of his mouth on hers, but she needed to finish this. ‘I could die, Diesel,’ she whispered against his lips.
‘So could I. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.’
Stone’s words returned, chilling her. Or that damn bullet could pierce your heart, you stubborn man. That issue she planned to address ASAP, but she let it go for now.
She leaned in, resting her forehead against his solid chest, unable to meet his eyes for this next part. ‘You’ll need to wear . . . you know. Protection. Always. When we have sex.’
Because we will. She wanted it. She wanted him. She always had.
‘God. Dani.’ She felt his big body shudder. ‘I know,’ he growled, and her knees actually buckled. Clutching his shirt with both hands, she held on as his arms tightened around her. Holding her close.
Where I belong. It was crystal clear. She belonged here. With him. In his arms. Why did I deny this for so long?
He smelled so good. She inhaled, filling her senses with him until her knees were solid again, then leaned back to look up at him.
‘I . . .’ The thought trailed away because . . . Oh my God. His face was flushed, his jaw taut, a muscle twitching in his cheek. And his eyes . . . She stared, mesmerized. They were dark and intense. And hungry. He was so hungry.
So am I.
Tightening her hold on his shirt, she yanked him down and kissed him hard. He froze for a split second before exploding into movement. Another growl rumbled in his chest as he took control of the kiss. One big hand slid down her back to palm her ass, the other slid up to tangle in her hair. She felt herself being lifted off her feet as if she weighed nothing, and her control was severed. Her arms went around his corded neck, her legs around his powerful thighs, and she clung to him like a vine.
‘So damn hot,’ she mumbled into his mouth. ‘You are so damn hot.’
He swung her around so that her ass pressed against the kitchen island and he pressed against her. All of him.
Oh God. He was hard. And huge. She wriggled, trying to get closer. ‘I want you,’ she whispered. ‘All of you.’
His groan was guttural. Broken. Molten. He tugged on her hair, roughly tilting her head for his next kiss. He simply . . . took her. Took her mouth. Took her breath away. He ripped his mouth away and buried his face in her neck. He was panting.
And so, so hard.
‘I’ve waited so long,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Be sure, Dani. Please.’
She kissed his ear, taking a second to catch her breath. ‘I’m sure. But only with condoms. Always. Forever, Diesel. I won’t have you exposed. Promise me.’
Abruptly he lifted her to sit on the island and released her hair before taking a step back. His eyes were wild, his pupils blown. But before she could even form a question, he was digging in the pocket of his jeans.
He took her hand and pressed something into her palm. A brown plastic prescription bottle, she realized. Lifting it, she examined the label, and the last of her resistance crumbled to dust. The name on the prescription label read Elvis Kennedy. The prescribing doctor was Dr Jeremy O’Bannion.
The bottle had originally held thirty pills. There were two left.
‘Truvada,’ she whispered, her throat too thick to speak. Tears filled her eyes, blurring the label. She blinked, wiping at her eyes with her free hand so that she could see his face. ‘You’re taking Truvada?’
He nodded wordlessly, his gaze never leaving her face.
Truvada. Pre-exposure prophylaxis. Medication to reduce the risk of contracting HIV. This was . . .
‘For how long?’ she asked hoarsely.
‘For the past six months,’ he answered, just as hoarsely. ‘Jeremy wouldn’t prescribe it until I’d tested negative for a solid year.’
Because she’d exposed him the day he’d saved her life.
He took a step closer when she continued to stare at him. ‘You told me to find someone else that day in the hospital, but I wanted to be prepared. In case you changed your mind.’ He stood between her legs, hands on the island on either side of her hips. Caging her in. He leaned in to whisper in her ear. ‘Was I wrong?’
Slowly she shook her head. ‘No. You weren’t wrong.’ Still gripping the bottle, she wrapped her arms around his neck. ‘We still need condoms.’
His lips curved in a grin that was wolfish and wicked. ‘I have a whole box.’
‘Where?’
‘Next to my bed. I was optimistic.’
She shivered hard. ‘Show me,’ she demanded.
He stiffened in surprise, his eyes widening. ‘Now?’
‘Yes, now. We’ve waited long enough.’ She kissed him until he growled again, making her smile against his mouth. ‘Take me to bed, Diesel.’
Eighteen
Bridgetown, Ohio
Monday, 18 March, 1.45 A.M.
Diesel took the prescription bottle from her hand and set it blindly on the counter. Take me to bed, Diesel.
This was happening. It was finally happening.
He slid his hands to her ass and lifted her from the counter, but then hesitated. ‘Be sure,’ he whispered, letting her see all the emotions coursing through him. Hope, fear, arousal. All roiled around the one emotion he couldn’t yet say aloud.
Love. He felt it with every fiber of his being, but he was afraid to say it, afraid that she’d bolt.
‘I’m sure I want this. I’m still not sure that I’m good for you, but Stone told me tonight that we can’t make those decisions for other people. You said I need to trust that you won’t leave. I say you need to trust that I’m sure.’ She kissed him softly. ‘I’m sure that I don’t want a life without you, so I’m doing what I never do. I’m taking a leap of faith.’
Stone’s text made even more sense now. You’re welcome. Diesel was more than grateful. He’d owe his friend for life.
‘Tighten your arms around my neck,’ he ordered softly, closing his eyes when she obeyed. He shuddered, arousal beating back the other emotions until it was all he knew. He lifted her easily, his ego basking in her pleased sigh.
‘I knew you’d be able to carry me,’ she whispered into his ear, then kissed down one side of his neck and back up the other.
The caresses shot straight to his cock and it was all he could do not to break into a run. ‘You don’t weigh anything,’ he said roughly, quickening his pace, which made her laugh softly. Expectantly.
Breathlessly.
She raked her teeth over his throat. ‘Hurry, Diesel.’
He was never more grateful that he had a small house. He shoved the bedroom door open and kicked it closed with his foot before slowly lowering her to the mattress with the care she deserved.
For a moment, he stood and stared down at her. She’s in my bed. Her hair spread on my pillow. Finally.
She held his gaze for a few hard beats of his heart before rising to her knees, the movement fluid and graceful. But then she grabbed handfuls of his shirt and yanked him forward. He stumbled, his knees hitting the edge of the bed.
‘I like your T-shirts,’ she said. Letting go of the fabric, she began unbuttoning the shirt, starting at the top. ‘This hides too much. Your T-shirts show off every one of your muscles.’ She made quick work of the buttons, making another pleased sound when she revealed his chest, but when he said nothing, she glanced up at him uncertainly through her lashes, her teeth biting her lower lip as her hands flattened on his pecs. ‘Is this all right?’
He could only nod. She’s touching me. He’d fantasized this moment so many times. But reality was . . . To say it was better was the understatement of the fucking century. He covered her hands with his, moving them back and forth over his chest, sucking in a breath when her fingertips grazed his nipples.
Her uncertainty fled. ‘You like that,’ she murmured, and again he could only nod. Her lips quirked up. ‘Good to know. How about this?’ She licked one nipple delicately before latching on to the other and abruptly sucking hard.
A groan filled the air and he realized it had come from him. His fingers threaded through her hair and he tugged gently, tilting her face up so that he could take her mouth.
Mine. She’s mine. God. This time the groan was hers as he ate at her mouth, licking and nipping until she opened for him. ‘Finally mine,’ he muttered.
‘Yes.’ She pushed his shirt off his shoulders, then pulled away from the kiss, breathing hard, her eyes on his tats. She touched him again, skimming her fingertips over each curve and angle of the designs he’d had inked onto his skin, pulling another groan from his throat. ‘These are magnificent.’ She looked up. Her eyes were mismatched in color, but were filled with the same aroused determination. ‘Next time, I want to run my tongue over them.’