I sighed. I’d let my jealousy get out of hand. The worst part? My emotions were rising to the surface. I was on the verge of admitting something I’d regret.
“No. I don’t think you’re an asshole. You have every right to live your life. You’ve been an amazing friend to me and my brother. You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s me. I really wish I didn’t care about any of this. If I’m acting weird, it’s because…”
Oh no.
No, no, no.
What the hell was I about to admit? I needed to tape my mouth shut because I apparently had no control over it right now.
His jaw tightened. “What were you going to say?”
“Nothing.” My heart pounded. “Never mind.”
“Tell me,” he prodded.
“Please drop it, okay?” I whispered.
He did. He said nothing else, and I was grateful.
Tension filled the air for the remainder of the ride. Jace eventually turned on some music as a buffer, but from my perspective at least, it didn’t help. Not at all, because the song that played—“Drive” by Halsey—was about a girl who’s in love with someone and doesn’t know how to tell him. As they drive around together, she hides her feelings, which eat her up inside. Great. The universe sure knew how to play games.
Jace finally pulled into the strip mall where the café was located.
He put the truck in park and turned to me. “Be careful.”
“Okay,” I said, exiting as quickly as possible.
Jace waited for me to enter the café before he drove off.
Once inside, I ordered a coffee and sat alone at my table, stewing over the fact that I’d almost confessed how I felt about him.
I was pretty sure my feelings would have come as no surprise to him, because why else would I have lashed out like that? I’d treated him unfairly for doing something men do every day.
About an hour into my café rumination, my phone chimed.
Jace: You okay?
My heartbeat accelerated as I typed.
Farrah: Yup.
The dots danced as he responded.
Jace: How are you getting home?
Kellianne had texted me a few minutes before Jace did. So I did have a ride. I told the truth.
Farrah: Kellianne is picking me up here. We’re going to dinner and then to The Iguana later for Pour Your Heart Out.
Jace: What happened with the guy you met?
Ugh. I hated lying.
Farrah: A dud.
After about a minute, he responded.
Jace: Stay safe tonight.
Farrah: You too.
My head spun. I needed to get a life, needed to move past these feelings for a man who couldn’t return them. Feeling a bit out of control, I knew I needed to do something tonight to expend all of this energy—and fast. I needed a distraction.
Chapter 6
* * *
Jace
Nathan walked in early that evening and seemed surprised to see I had a guest.
“Oh, hey. I wasn’t sure if you’d be home,” he said.
“Yeah. We were just hanging out.”
Nathan coming home and catching me with Alyssa was exactly what I’d aimed for—and the only reason I’d brought her back here this afternoon. After the other day when he’d accosted me about my time in the pool with Farrah, I needed to distract him. I’d wanted both Nathan and Farrah to see me with her. I knew Nathan had gotten a one-day gig helping a friend paint a rental property, so I’d made sure Alyssa and I would still be at the house when he returned.
The mood with Alyssa was definitely ruined after I’d left to take Farrah to the coffee shop. She gave me an attitude after I returned. Apparently, she’d looked out the window of my bedroom and gotten a glimpse of Farrah. She’d grilled me about whether there was something going on with my “roommate.” I did my best to explain that Farrah was like a sister to me, but apparently I was no better at convincing Alyssa of that than I was at convincing myself.
I hadn’t been able to get Farrah off my mind all afternoon. My response to her meeting some dude was a bit of an overreaction. But I refused to let myself analyze why I’d blown it way out of proportion. Whatever strange feelings I’d been experiencing toward her lately needed to go. I mean, what the fuck? Why was I suddenly thinking about Nathan’s little sister all the time? It made no sense. And it needed to stop.
After I introduced Nathan to Alyssa, the three of us sat outside by the pool and popped open a few beers. I lit up a stogie for the first time in ages and tried to relax. I probably needed something a fuck of a lot stronger than a cigar.
“Where’s Farrah?” Nathan asked.
Alyssa gave me side eye as I answered.
“She apparently had a date. Her car shit the bed again, so I gave her a ride to the café over by the shopping plaza.” I puffed and blew out some smoke.
His eyes narrowed. “A date with who?”
“Some guy. Name’s Sheridan. She said she met him online. I texted her after to make sure she was okay, and she said he was a dud.”
“How’s she getting home?”
“Kellianne was picking her up. I told her not to get into that guy’s car. Hopefully she’s telling the truth.”
Nathan stared out at the pool. “She’d better be.”
“I think she’s smart enough not to do anything dumb.” I blew out more smoke, feeling relieved that Nathan seemed concerned about this other guy.
Alyssa suddenly hopped out of her chair. “Mind if I go for a swim?”
“Do you have a bathing suit?” I asked.
“No. But I can just go in my bra and underwear, if you don’t mind.”
Blowing smoke rings, I said, “Whatever floats your boat.”
Alyssa pulled her dress over her head, and her tits bounced in her bra. Nathan’s eyes practically bugged out of their sockets as he gawked at her. Before he could stare too long, she dove into the pool and began to swim laps. We watched her until Nathan interrupted the silence.
“So, I didn’t want to ask you in front of Alyssa, but how did it go at the bank?”
One thing I’d managed to do today was take my mind off the problems at work. “Looks promising that we’re gonna get approved for a loan. They just had to run some reports and look a little closer at our numbers. The guy I spoke to said I should know something within a week.”
“Good. I’ll be crossing my fingers for you.”
“Thanks.”
He looked over again at Alyssa, who was still swimming from one end of the pool to the other.
“What’s the deal with this hot blonde? She’s smokin’.”
I shrugged. “Swiped right. It’s new. Too early to tell.”
He chuckled. “Linnea’s totally out of the picture?”
“Yeah. It didn’t work out.”
“Why not?”
“She…wanted more than I could give her right now.”
“Well, feel free to pass them my way when you’re done, especially this one.” He smiled from behind his beer bottle. “Just kidding. I know our rule still stands.”
He was referring to our agreement never to touch each other’s “leftovers.” Only once had Nathan and I truly gotten into it over a girl, and that was Kaylee Little in middle school. We nearly lost our friendship over that one. I guess the hormones at that age made things crazier than they should have been.
Nathan definitely didn’t have the luck I did in the female department. He would always comment on how I could get any woman I wanted. I suppose he had a point, but honestly, sometimes I enjoyed more of a chase. There was something arousing about wanting someone you couldn’t have.
And now I’m thinking about Farrah again. I shook my head. Forcing myself to think of something else, I remembered something I needed to tell Nathan.
“Oh, I meant to let you know, my mother might have gotten you a job lead. She spoke to this woman at her church. Her husband owns the dealership on Route One.”
“Really
?”
“The Ford one.”
“Yeah. Billings Ford. That’s one of the bigger ones.” His expression brightened. “Man, that would be awesome.”
“She’s getting me the details. I’ll pass them along as soon as I have them.”
“Wow. Thanks. For that and…for everything.”
Guilt set in again. “You don’t have to thank me again for staying here. It’s benefitting me just as much as it’s benefitting you because I’m not ready to buy anything. Besides, I sure as hell don’t want to be living with my parents.”
“Do you think you’re staying in Palm Creek? I mean, if Phil gets better and doesn’t need you anymore, you’ll go back to North Carolina, right?”
I took another drag of my cigar and slowly exhaled. “I don’t know. There are definitely things I missed about Florida. I’m just trying to be happy day to day, trying not to worry too much about the future.”
“I wish I could be like you,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“I wish I could not worry about the future. I worry about everything. Maybe it’s just the instability of not having a job that’s freaking me out. I worry about that, and I also worry about Farrah way too much.”
I swallowed. “Why are you worried about Farrah? She seems to have her shit together better than both of us.”
“I don’t know. I sometimes feel...like I’m holding her back. Like she wouldn’t be here in Florida if it weren’t for me. When she was younger, she always used to say she was going to college out of state. But she hasn’t completed more than a couple of classes at the community college. She’s stuck in limbo, and I can’t help wondering what she’d be doing if things were different. At the same time, I don’t know what I’d do without her here.”
“She does care about you. I agree that she’d be very hesitant to leave you and move, but no one is really stopping her, either. It’s still her choice in the end. There’s nothing holding her back from enrolling in college when she’s ready. She’ll come around.”
He gazed out at the pool. “She hides a lot of her pain, you know? I see her writing shit down a lot at night. I’ll walk by her room, and she’ll close her notebook real fast, like she doesn’t want me to see. What is she hiding from me? She doesn’t talk to me about how she’s feeling. She just puts on a brave face and bottles everything up. I know that’s partly my fault because I can hardly handle talking about stuff myself. It just sucks that she doesn’t have any family to open up to but me—because I suck at it.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m no better when it comes to opening up about difficult shit.”
“Yeah.” He grinned. “We both suck.”
Alyssa emerged from the pool, her nipples fully visible through her wet bra. Nathan’s mouth once again hung open. It was a little embarrassing.
“That was amazing. I feel so refreshed.” She wrapped herself in a towel, and just like that, Nathan’s little show was over.
The three of us ended up grilling some hotdogs for dinner, and Alyssa threw together a salad with the vegetables we had left in the crisper. We ate by the pool as the sun went down.
I could tell Alyssa was still annoyed that our time together earlier in my room had never amounted to anything. She kept hinting that she had nowhere to be tonight, but I wasn’t feeling it. So I made up an excuse.
I stood and announced, “I actually told my parents I’d come by their place tonight. I can drive you home on the way.”
Her lashes fluttered. “Oh...I assumed we were going to be hanging out tonight.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. Another time.”
Alyssa grabbed her stuff and seemed silently annoyed as we got into my truck. She didn’t have much to say when I dropped her off either.
After I left her house, I happened to pass the block where The Iguana was located. Farrah had told me she was headed there tonight. I wondered if maybe she’d lied about it so I wouldn’t get on her case about getting in that dude Sheridan’s car.
Curiosity got the best of me. I knew I’d regret it, but I impulsively pulled into a parking spot outside the bar. If she wasn’t here, I’d know she was lying. I convinced myself this had nothing to do with being a stalker, that my checking up on her was for her own good. There would be no harm in peeking inside to see if I could spot her. Then I’d leave. I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing with this information—it wasn’t like I could text her if she wasn’t here and say, I know you’re not really at The Iguana. I’d have to keep this to myself either way. Yet I still felt compelled to do it.
When I walked into the bar, however, nothing could’ve prepared me for what I saw. Rather than being noisy, the place was almost completely quiet. In the center of the spotlight, up on stage, was Farrah.
My heart beat faster as I realized she was about to say something. You would’ve thought I was the one up there with how nervous I got. It felt like I stopped breathing for a moment until her voice finally rang out over the room.
“I’m Farrah.”
“Hi, Farrah,” the audience said in unison.
“This isn’t going to be one of the sexy or embarrassing stories. So I apologize for that. Believe me, I’ve had many of the embarrassing ones lately. Maybe I’ll confess one of those another day.” She cleared her throat. “The reason I’m pouring my heart out today…” She paused for several seconds. “…is because my parents were murdered.”
A few people gasped, followed by muffled whispering. My chest tightened with shock.
Farrah took a deep breath in and continued. “I don’t think I’ve ever said those words aloud. I mean, how many people have lost both their parents to murder? I’m sure people like me exist—like, on Dateline. But we’re few and far between. Most days I feel like the only person on Earth in this situation, even though I know that can’t be true.”
She ran her hand along her hair. “People typically don’t know what to say to me when they find out what happened to my parents. It’s hard for me to see shocked reactions like yours. Talking about it is an unwanted reality check, one that takes me out of the denial that’s necessary for everyday survival. I know I’m probably supposed to give you more specifics about what happened, all of the salacious details… Because that’s what we do here, right? Pour our hearts out? But sometimes, there are just no words. So I won’t be able to go there tonight.”
Farrah let out a breath, amplified by the mic. “I mainly come here every week to listen to you all, not only for the occasional juicy confessions, but for the sad ones. It’s the sad ones that keep me coming. Those make me feel less alone. Listening to some of you has taught me that it’s okay to not be okay, that human suffering is a collective experience. We all have something. No one gets out of this world unscathed. Maybe we’re not put here to have it easy. Maybe life is about learning to survive pain and grief, two things that hit every person at some point. My turn just came at fourteen, when my life changed forever.
“If you didn’t know me, you’d never know I’d been through something horrible. Because I’m really good at hiding behind my smile. So the next time you see someone you assume has it better than you do, remember that you can’t know what someone is going through by looking at them. They might have been through something agonizing, yet still found a way to smile. And I hope whatever you’re going through, you know you’re not alone—and that you find a way to smile, too.” She nodded once. “Thank you.”
Farrah stepped down to a round of applause.
Wow. I was so proud of her for putting aside her fears.
I should’ve left sooner though. Should’ve turned right around and gotten the hell out of there. Instead, I froze. I’d been so into what she was saying, I hadn’t realized I’d walked close enough to the stage that I was now in front of her. When she spotted me, I knew I was fucked.
How the hell am I supposed to explain this?
Chapter 7
* * *
Farrah
At first, I thought I m
ight have been hallucinating. What the hell is Jace doing here? I had to blink several times to confirm I wasn’t seeing things. Oh my God. He saw my entire speech? He heard every last, raw word? How could this have happened on the one night I’d decided to go for it?
Jace shifted on his feet. “Farrah...that was—”
“What are you doing here?”
He fumbled in search of words and finally said, “I don’t have a good answer for that.”
I turned to look over at Kellianne, who was beaming. She gave me a thumbs-up, clearly enjoying this a little too much.
“How could you possibly have known I was going to be speaking tonight?”
“That’s the fucked-up thing. I had no clue. Getting to see you up there was pure luck.”
“Why are you here?”
Jace bit his bottom lip. “Honestly? I was driving that girl back to her house, and I passed by here on my way home. Figured I’d check things out…see why you like it so much.”
That seemed weird to me. “I’m still confused. You knew I was here. So…you were gonna say hello?”
“Possibly. But when I came in, you’d just gotten on stage. I was going to turn around and leave after you finished, but then you spotted me.”
“Why would you have left?”
“Because I wasn’t sure you’d be comfortable knowing I’d heard everything.”
“Okay...” I shook my head. “Are you gonna stay?”
His eyes seared into mine. “Do you want me to?”
I swallowed. “Yeah.”
“Okay,” he said, looking around.
“I need a drink. What can I get you?”
He held his palm out. “Nothing for me. I’m driving.”
My legs felt wobbly as I made my way to the bar—and I hadn’t had anything to drink yet.
Jace was chatting with Kellianne when I returned to the table with a mojito for me and an ice water for him. I was still confused, but also thrilled that Jace had shown up here tonight. He’d been on my mind all day, and this meant that on some level, he was thinking about me, too. I couldn’t be sure if I was reading into this too much, but how could I not? After all, I’d been trying to manifest this kind of attention from Jace for weeks now. Was it finally working?
The Crush Page 7