“Are you serious?”
“I am.” I grinned. “On the count of three, okay?”
“Okay.” She squeezed my hand.
“One…two…three…”
We screamed together at the top of our lungs like a couple of lunatics, our voices echoing in the open air. It might have seemed like a crazy thing to do, but it was beautiful. We were letting go—together. Each time we’d stop, one of us would do it again. We probably screamed for three minutes straight.
When we finally stopped, an indescribable calm came over me. It felt like what I imagined a race car driver felt when he finally stopped his car and got out. I sensed the same calmness in Farrah as we resumed sitting in silence again, staring out at the lake.
About five minutes later, our peace was interrupted when a police car pulled up on the gravel road behind us. The cop got out and headed toward us. We both stood. Farrah brushed some grass off her butt.
“Everything okay, officer?” I asked.
He ignored my question and headed straight to Farrah. “Are you okay, ma’am? Someone reported screaming coming from this area. Was it you?”
I guess this lake wasn’t as private as I’d thought.
• • •
Christmas Eve at Farrah and Nathan’s was low-key and just what the doctor ordered. I’d refused to let Farrah bear the brunt of all the food preparation this time, so I’d insisted on handling everything. I placed an order for an entire ham dinner with all of the fixings from Regina’s. Dad and I picked up the food on our way to their house.
We had a nice, drama-free meal. Farrah and I had a blast telling Dad the story of how we’d nearly gotten arrested for causing a public disturbance down at the lake. The best part of the night? When Farrah announced that she’d officially closed the door on any reconciliation with Niles. She’d met with him to exchange some items and made it clear that things were over between them for good. That news was the best damn Christmas gift. Even if she never wanted to be with me again, at least I knew that asshole wouldn’t be the one to have her. She deserved so much better.
The only thing keeping me from totally relaxing tonight was the constant need to tell her how I felt. It was like Thanksgiving all over again, but ten times worse. I still didn’t know if she’d ever be ready to give me another chance. Did she prefer to keep me in the friend zone forever and not risk getting hurt again? She’d just gotten out of a relationship, so it wasn’t exactly an ideal time to start anything with someone else anyway. The uncertainty of it all left me unsettled and unable to totally enjoy the evening. I needed to unleash these feelings, but I didn’t want to hear her tell me there would never be another chance for us. So keeping my heart to myself for now felt like the safest thing.
After dinner, we all went into the living room to watch It’s a Wonderful Life. My parents had always insisted on playing that movie every Christmas. This year it was even more important to keep that tradition because it had meant so much to my mother.
Dad sat on the end of the couch, I was in the middle, and Farrah was on the other side. I reminisced a little about our leg games back in the day, but I didn’t make a move. About halfway into the film, though, something incredible happened: Farrah rested her head on my shoulder. It might have been a casual thing, but to me, it was a sign of comfort and trust. This was a huge deal—it meant everything. Still, I warned myself not to take it as a sign to push for more anytime soon. I decided to enjoy it without trying to figure out what it meant for the future. Leaning my head into hers, I took a deep breath of her scent.
Once the movie ended, Dad seemed eager to go, though I was nowhere near ready to leave.
My father put his jacket on. “Farrah and Nathan, it’s been a pleasure, but this old man needs his beauty rest.”
“Thank you for tonight,” I said, pulling Farrah into a hug and savoring every second of her soft breasts pressed against my chest. Feeling her heart beat against mine was a bonus. “This was the best Christmas Eve we could have hoped for.”
I leaned down to kiss her cheek and noticed the changing color of her skin. She still reacted as strongly to me physically as she ever had. Yet I knew I couldn’t act on that.
“Be careful driving,” she said.
“Sweet dreams, beautiful,” I whispered in her ear.
Dad and I each hugged Nathan goodbye and went on our merry way home.
Later that night, back at the house, Dad got a second wind and refused to go to bed just yet. Instead, he decided to make some tea and confront me about my feelings for Farrah.
He steeped his teabag. “Now that the bonehead boyfriend of hers is out of the picture, when are you gonna go in for the kill?”
“That’s not how it works, Dad. I broke her heart. I can’t just move in the first chance I get. I haven’t earned her trust back yet. To be honest, that may never happen.”
My father took a sip of his tea. “I’m still perplexed about some things when it comes to you and her.”
I took a seat across from him. “What is it you don’t get?”
“Why you were so damn afraid of Nathan three years ago? Why’d you let him run you out of town?”
I’d never told Dad about what truly happened the day Mr. and Mrs. Spade were killed. My parents knew I was with them and that I’d escaped injury, but that was the extent of it. Christmas Eve might not have been the opportune time to confess everything to my father, but he’d opened the door for this conversation. My pulse sped up.
Over the next several minutes, I told him everything, from the wailing cries of Farrah’s mother to the way I charged at the assailant. For the first time, I cried over it, something I’d always managed to stop myself from doing. I guess everyone has their breaking point.
Understandably, my father sat there in shock.
“Son, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I never knew you were suffering with this. Why didn’t you think you could tell me?”
“I guess I just never wanted you or Mom to carry the guilt that I did. It wouldn’t have helped or changed anything if you’d known.”
“We would’ve gladly carried some of the burden and could have helped you see the situation more clearly. I would’ve done everything in my power to convince you that doing what you feel is right is always the best decision, even if the outcome doesn’t turn out in your favor. Their deaths weren’t your fault, Jace. You were a kid. You went with your gut, and your actions were well-intentioned. I’m so sorry you had to go through it, but now I certainly understand better why you stayed away all these years.”
“I’m not running away anymore, Dad. Losing Mom helped me realize I don’t have forever to deal with my demons. So I’m here facing them head-on. I just wish I wasn’t hopelessly in love with someone I still feel guilty about hurting.”
“Farrah doesn’t blame you. Nathan doesn’t blame you for anything anymore. Sounds like the hardest thing is going to be learning not to blame yourself. Self-forgiveness is the hardest kind. But if you can manage that, son, you can manage anything.”
“I’m trying…” I hesitated.
“And I’m happy you’re seeking help,” he added.
“I am too. Talking to my therapist helped me remember something. I haven’t told Farrah or Nathan, though.”
“What is it?”
“Mr. Spade wouldn’t give up the money that day. I have no idea why. Elizabeth was begging him to. So was I. But he wouldn’t turn it over. It was like he didn’t think the guy would actually do anything. I knew better, which was why I tried to get the gun. I wonder now if the whole thing could’ve been avoided if he’d just given the guy the damn money.”
“Absolutely.” My father blew out some air. “That’s unbelievable.”
“But I don’t think I could ever mention it to them.”
He nodded. “You don’t want them to think badly of their father.”
“Yeah. What’s the point? Who knows what he was thinking, and it will only make them feel worse. I don’t want that.”<
br />
“I agree. And I’m proud of you. Now that I know the whole story, I realize how much you’ve kept from us over the years. Please don’t hesitate to talk to me if you ever need to. I know I’m not perfect, but you’re my greatest accomplishment. Your mother would’ve felt terrible about you holding this in for so long. I’m sure she’s looking down on you right now, though, feeling just as proud of you as I am.”
“Thank you, Dad.”
After my father went to his room, I was surprised to find I’d missed a text from Farrah about a half hour ago.
Farrah: Any chance you could come back here tonight?
Say what?
My heart came alive.
Hell yes.
I typed as fast as humanly possible.
Jace: I’m sorry I missed your text. I was in the middle of a long conversation with Dad. I finally told him everything…about what happened a decade ago.
Farrah: Oh my God. Wow. Why tonight?
Jace: The old man wouldn’t go to damn sleep. Then he started prying about you and me. Before I knew it, I was bawling and talking about the past.
Farrah: I’m sorry you cried...but it’s good to let it out. I’m glad you did.
Jace: So, back to your original question.
Farrah: Never mind. It was impulsive. I know it’s late.
Jace: Um, the answer is “fuck yes.” It’s never too late to see you. I can be there in twenty minutes. Is Nathan sleeping?
Farrah: Yes.
Jace: That’s a good place for him.
Farrah: LOL. Not that I care what he thinks anymore, but text me when you get here and I’ll let you in. I’d prefer he stay sleeping.
Jace: Be there soon.
My father was finally snoring, so I left him a note explaining where I’d gone in case he got up and didn’t find me. I could only imagine the wiseass comments he’d make tomorrow. He’d be happy for me, though; that I knew.
The ride back to Farrah’s seemed to take forever.
When I finally parked in front of their house, I texted.
Jace: Here.
Feeling like I was walking on air, I made my way to the door and waited.
A couple of minutes later, she opened and placed her index finger over her mouth.
My heart pounded as Farrah led the way.
Once inside her room, I noticed she was fidgeting. Taking her hand, I prompted her to sit down next to me on the bed.
“What’s up, beautiful? I would’ve thought this was a booty call, but you look way too nervous for that.”
“I am nervous...”
“Don’t be nervous. Talk to me.”
“When you left, it was torture because all I wanted was to be near you tonight. It scares me a little.”
“Don’t be afraid to tell me what you want, Farrah. Because it’s most definitely the same thing I want.”
“I didn’t call you over here to talk. But I feel weird saying it…asking for it.”
My dick rose to attention.
“Let me try to decipher what you want to convey, then—so you don’t have to say a thing. May I?”
“Yes.” She smiled. “I’d like that.”
“Okay, so…here’s what’s happening.” I took a deep breath. “You want me. But you don’t want to give me the wrong idea...because understandably, I haven’t earned your trust back yet. You’re still not sure letting me in is the right thing. But when you’re around me, your body remembers. It remembers that it belongs to me. You want me inside of you, even if your mind is telling you otherwise. You can feel how much I want you, too. And that only makes it worse. Am I right?”
Farrah licked her lips and nodded. “Yes.”
“And you called me here tonight because you want me to fuck you like I used to, without drawing any conclusions about what it all means. You want pure, unbridled, raw fucking with no words. You just want to get lost in me without worrying for once.”
She closed her eyes and breathed, “Yes.”
“I can do that, Farrah. I can so do that for as long as you need me to. I just want to make you feel good. Screw putting a label on it. We never have to label it if you don’t want to.”
Her chest heaved. “We have to be quiet. Not that I’m hiding from Nathan, but I’d prefer he not wake up and find you here.”
“I mean, as of late, we’re known more for our screaming.” I winked. “But I can do quiet if you can?”
She stood no chance of answering that question because before she could say anything, my mouth was on hers. The warmth of her breath and her familiar taste were my own personal heaven.
I spoke over her lips. “Forget about all the reasons this is a bad idea. Just be with me. Relax your body and let me do the work.”
She fell back onto the bed, and I hovered over her, spreading her knees apart.
“Oh my God,” she muttered as I lowered my mouth and buried my face in her pussy.
She winced in pleasure, pulling on my hair. “Yes,” she breathed. “You’re mouth feels so good. I’d forgotten how amazing it is.”
“You don’t know anything yet,” I said as I flicked my tongue along her clit.
Moving back, I circled my thumb through her arousal before slipping my fingers inside of her. She let out a sound that bordered on too loud. I groaned before taking her delicious mound into my mouth again, savoring every bit of her flavor.
“I missed this so much,” I whispered over her tender flesh.
She threaded her fingers through my hair and pulled to guide my movements.
I stuck my tongue deeper inside of her, pushing in and out while she moved under me.
“Tell me what you want, baby.”
Farrah bucked her hips. “I want you inside of me.”
Kissing my way to her mouth, I was dying to feel her wet pussy wrapped around my cock.
We kissed frantically as I unzipped my pants and kicked them off. I nudged her legs apart before sinking into her, marveling at how tight she was.
“Damn, I forgot how good this felt, too,” she panted.
I’d told myself I was going to go slow, make love to her, but apparently that was impossible. Slow and easy didn’t last very long. I couldn’t take it anymore, speeding up my thrusts. I tried to regulate my breathing to keep from coming, needing to prolong this. That was no easy feat because it had been so damn long, and she was so wet. I fucked her harder as she dug her nails into my ass, the friction of her tight pussy nearly undoing me with every thrust.
Earlier, I’d thought maybe she wasn’t ready for this, but the way she gripped my body, urging me to go faster, harder, deeper, took away any doubts.
Shutting my eyes, I silently thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to be inside the woman I loved again. I’d never take this for granted, would never hurt her again. The only hard part was going to be convincing her of that.
At one point, she let out a loud gasp, prompting me to cover her mouth so she wouldn’t wake Nathan. Her muscles spasmed around me, and I let go, too, emptying my cum inside of her.
We lay together in sated bliss as I softly kissed her face.
“I lied,” I whispered.
“About what?”
“About this not meaning anything. It means everything to me, Farrah. And so do you. I love you so fucking much, and I never stopped.” She was quiet as I continued. “When you first told me you loved me three years ago, you told me not to say it in return. You didn’t want me to feel obligated. I loved you so much then, and I love you even more today. But you don’t owe me those three words or any validation right now. The only thing I want is for you to let me show you every day through my actions how much I love you. Let me make up for the time we lost.”
She didn’t say anything in response, but her eyes filled with tears. And that was good enough for me.
• • •
She woke to find me watching her. I’d been up early and unable to go back to sleep.
“What are you looking at?” she teased.
> “Just thinking about how lucky I am to be here with you on Christmas morning. It’s the best gift I could’ve asked for.”
Her delicate fingers traced the stubble on my jaw. “Do you need to get back to your dad?”
“I’m in no rush. Pretty sure he’ll be thrilled once he wakes up and realizes where I went. I left him a note.” I kissed her forehead. “Do you want me to leave before Nathan wakes up?”
She wrapped her hand around my waist and pulled me close. “No. I want you here.”
“Good. Because I’m not ready to leave you.” I kissed her firmly on the lips. “Let me handle any awkwardness with Nathan this morning. Okay? I don’t want you to stress.”
“I will gladly let you handle it.” She laughed.
We lay together for another half hour until we forced ourselves up and got dressed. I could hear Nathan puttering around in the kitchen.
“You ready?” I held out my hand. “Here we go…”
“Yup.” She threaded her fingers through mine and sighed.
Nathan was at the counter pouring a cup of coffee when we emerged together from Farrah’s room.
His eyes widened. “Oh…okay then.” He chuckled.
“Good morning,” I said.
His eyes went from Farrah’s to mine. “Morning…”
Farrah stayed quiet as she poured herself some java. She fumbled with the mugs, definitely nervous, even if the fear wasn’t anything like it used to be.
Nathan pulled a chair out and sat down. “I, uh, didn’t realize you came back here last night.” He took a sip of his coffee.
I nodded. “I did. Your sister wanted me here.” I pulled up a seat across from him, looked him dead in the eyes, and got straight to the point. “I love her very much. I never stopped.” I paused to look over at Farrah, who’d ceased what she was doing to listen. “And I’m not leaving this time, Nathan. In fact, I don’t ever want to spend another night away from her. Given that I live with my father at the moment, that means you’re gonna see a lot of my ass around here until I get my own place. I’d ask you if you were okay with that, but honestly, it won’t matter. I’m not making the same mistake twice. I don’t give a shit what you or anyone thinks anymore. I only care about her. If you have any questions, you can let me know.”
The Crush Page 24