Alicia and Bria finally showed up, followed by Isaac. The whole crew was finally here, and so was the sun, gradually moving higher above us. The skies were open, the wind was quieting, and I went through the basic rules of American football. “No tackle, we’re playing touch. You have to touch with both hands,” I reiterated. It was boys against girls. “Who’s the better catcher?” I asked in our small huddle. Bria pointed to Alicia, and I figured. “Okay, I’m going to snap the ball, and you make a run for it.”
“Snap the ball?” Alicia asked as she held a brow in the air.
“Hike the ball.” I sighed. “Screw it, I’ll just throw the ball to you, just make sure you’re in the end zone.”
“And where is this end zone, exactly?”
Huffing and wishing I was on the other team, I pointed between the two trees behind the anxious boys who stood with their arms crossed over their chests.
“Come on, ladies. We haven’t got all day!” Ollie called out before warming his hands back up over his mouth.
“Ready?” I asked.
“No,” Bria whined. “What am I supposed to do?”
“Distract Isaac and Ollie. You’re already good at that.”
Bria nodded with a wicked smile.
“Break!”
“Now we’re having a break?” Alicia asked.
Holy shit. Groaning, I rolled my eyes. “No, it means I’m done talking. Now we can play.”
After directing the girls with rapid finger gestures, I shouted, “Hike,” and Alicia only stood there while Ollie took off toward me. “Run, Alicia!”
Alicia ran to the end zone with Isaac on her tail, and I threw the ball before Ollie got to me. Ollie spun around, both our eyes on the ball in the air, only one of us silently praying for her to catch it.
And surprisingly enough, she did.
My hands flew in the air as I shouted, “Touchdown!” followed up by a victory dance.
Alicia and Bria jumped up and down as Ollie turned around with an impressed smile on his face. “Nice throw, babe.” Then his smile dissolved when something behind me caught his attention. “Mia, go back inside,” he warned with an altered tone.
“What, why?” I attempted to turn around, but he gripped my shoulders.
“Go back inside, please.”
“Room for two more?” a voice asked. Pulling my gaze from Ollie, I spun around. A sudden illness churned in my stomach, slowly devouring the rest of my insides when Maddie approached us with Oscar by her side.
“Fuck,” Ollie groaned, but the only thing possessing me was Oscar’s presence. I stumbled backward as his gaze scanned me up and down.
Maddie smirked as her gaze darted between Ollie and me. “I wanted to take a moment to introduce you. Ollie, this here is the guy Mia fucked …” Maddie cocked her head to Oscar. “How many times did you say? Was it once or twice?”
“Twice,” Oscar said through a chuckle, making my insides crawl.
Ollie snapped his head, his gaze calling me, urging me. The weight behind it was unbearable, and I shamefully peered over at him to find him shaking his head. “No …” He turned back to Maddie. “Stop this shit, Maddie,” he shouted at her. “Stop your fucking games!”
“And Mia,” Maddie scoffed, taking my attention from Ollie and back on her. She held up a palm to Oscar. “This is Oscar … Ollie’s brother.”
Instantly, all the oxygen abandoned my lungs—nothing—a wrecking ball to the stomach. Everything left me and bled across the lawn as I stood, fixed and in utter disbelief.
Ollie took a step in front of me, trying to meet my gaze, but I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t face him. Heat radiated from his touch as he gripped my shoulders, leaning in front of my face, spewing words my brain couldn’t decipher. All I felt was the steel knife lodged inside my chest. The burn. The ache. Probably the same knife that just came from his.
“I didn’t know.” My words stumbled as everything else slipped from my grasp. “Ollie, this was before you.”
“Stop talking, Mia. Don’t say another word.” The cold replaced his hands as he stepped away from me. “How could you do this to me?” Ollie asked Oscar, shoving him in the chest, “Anyone else! Why her?!”
“Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, little brother.” He laughed, the sound sick and masochistic and curdling the blood in my veins. “And for the record, the slut pulled me in first … I had my way with her first.” He took a step toward Ollie and puffed out his chest. “You broke our number one rule, Oliver …”
My feet instantly broke out into a sprint across the field and into the woods. Leaves crunched beneath my combat boots as I ran. The wind smacked against my face, stealing the little breath I had left. With no direction in mind, I ran until my legs buckled beneath me, and I caught myself against a tree. The sickness brewing in my stomach came up into my throat, and I hunched over as I threw up. My body convulsed as my eyes strained until I was left dry heaving in the middle of the woods.
After staying in that position until there was nothing left inside me, I crouched down, unable to stand on my wobbling legs. The tears stopped, but only so my mind could focus on breathing as I grasped for oxygen.
A hand against my back told me it wasn’t Oscar, but it also wasn’t Ollie.
“Are you okay?”
It was Jake.
Shaking my head, I turned to face him as I held my hand against my chest.
Stay with me, Mia.
“I’m going to get help,” Jake said in a panic, but I clutched on to him as I cried out for him not to.
“Panic attack. You have to talk to me,” I panted, stumbling over to another tree and collapsing to the ground.
Jake took a seat beside me and ran his hand up my back. “Ollie kicked that security guard’s arse, and you would think the security guard would have taken Ollie into custody afterward, but no. The chap walks off, and I still don’t even know what happened. One second I see you there, the next you’re running across the field the moment Ollie launches at the bloke. I figured, well, Ollie looks like he has things under control, and I’m not helpful in a brawl, so now here I am.”
Here Jake was.
Here I was.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
I shook my head. “I think I just really need to be alone, Jake.” My voice faltered. I dropped my head into my trembling hands as my head pounded against them.
“Yeah, alright.” Jake stood and brushed the back of his pants with his hands. “Know I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”
With that, Jake walked off.
Losing the struggle to fight back tears, I pulled my knees to my chest as the aching returned, sickness competing against it. Loving Ollie was the easy part. He made it so incredibly easy. It was everything else that was complicated. Flipping up the brim of Ollie’s beanie, I dropped my head over my knees and clenched my eyes. Maybe if I drifted to sleep, I would wake up to reality. Oscar couldn’t be Ollie’s brother, and if he was, it only meant things between Ollie and me would never be the same.
You couldn’t come back from this.
The wind swirled angrily as the cold grew bitter, biting my cheeks, stinging my fingertips. I wasn’t sure if I’d fallen asleep, or how long I’d been sitting out here. The sun descended. My bones trembled, but I deserved to feel the burn. My throat was raw, but I deserved to feel the harshness. My stomach was in knots, but I deserved to feel the shame. I deserved everything happening to me because I didn’t deserve him. My eyes could barely stay open. They stung as they fought against the cold wind.
His silhouette off in the distance arrested my swollen eyes. He walked toward me, every detail of his beauty coming into view the closer he drew near. He held two fingers between his eyes as he walked in my direction. Long, determined strides, but shoulders slumped inside his gray hoodie. His hood was pu
lled up over his head, and I tried to stand, but it was no use.
He crouched down in front of me and searched my eyes. His were bloodshot and broken—he’d been crying. Leaning over, he kissed the top of my head before grabbing my hands and helping me to my feet.
We walked back to Dolor, hand in hand.
He didn’t say a word.
It was a curse and a blessing.
Through the doors, down the corridor, and up to Ollie’s door, we stopped. My hand shook in his, not ready for the inescapable truth—we could never be the same, and he could never look at me the same. Not after being with his brother.
Once inside his room, Ollie took off his shoes. He withdrew his sweatshirt, and then his shirt. My heart struck against my ribcage like a trapped bull, watching him silently. He stood before me and wrapped his fingers around the bottom hem of my sweatshirt and pulled it over my head, my shirt following. He crouched down, untied each of my shoes before I kicked them off. Then he slid off my jeans.
His actions were bizarre, but if he didn’t want to talk, he didn’t. Perhaps this was his way of coping, and I would be whatever he needed.
Ollie grabbed my hand, and I followed him to the bed. We both lay on our sides, quiet and still. My back was pressed against his torso. He found my hand and held it out in front of me as he twisted the ring around my finger—a promise made not too long ago. Was my mistake grounds for allowing him out of it?
He moved the hair off my shoulder and neck, and kissed my shoulder blade, his lips lingering longer than usual.
He wanted one more night.
He was giving us one more night.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“I’m yours, and you’re mine,
and that’s all I’ll ever know.”
—Oliver Masters
“MEET ME IN THE library -O,” the note beside my head read. When I woke, Ollie was gone. My sore eyes were raw from the day before as I tried blinking the sun away. The nausea had already set in. If I didn’t show, he couldn’t end us. Avoiding him would be better for me, but not for him. I’d done enough damage. I had to give him this.
After showering and brushing my teeth, I headed for the library. Taking the stairs slowly, I walked toward the end of the route of us. If I could have, I would have been crying, but I was all tapped out of tears. I had on the same clothes I’d worn my first day here. My shorts and “Cute but Psycho” tee. It only seemed fitting. This was the girl I’d been when I arrived, but ever since I’d been touched by Ollie, I would never be the same. Even though I dressed the part, I was forever changed. Even if I wanted to, I could never build another fucking switch—not after him.
After turning the corner, I stood at the end of the hallway. Ollie waited right outside the library door with his back slumped against the wall. His gray pair of sweats hung perfectly around his hips, and his white shirt made his inked skin more dramatic. He lifted his head and squinted down the hall. No smile formed, but his eyes still held the same look he always had for me. The one that never went away after four months. He looked at me as if he got lost and found in me all at once. My presence still affected him, and his eyes grasped on to me—clinging for life—in case I disappeared.
He straightened his posture as I walked down the hall of shame.
When I approached him, he bent down and picked up the two cups of coffee, handed me mine, and lifted the brown paper bag off the floor—still nothing, not even a smile. His face carried hurt, but his battered green eyes held a glimmer of hope and a spark of wonder.
“Thank you,” I said quietly. Ollie nodded and opened the door for me before walking me through the maze of books until we reached his spot.
It was our spot, but now it was back to only his.
We sat side by side in the nook. Ollie dropped the brown paper bag between us and let out an exhale. “Mia …” He paused and cleared his throat. “I … Dammit, Mia …” he choked out.
His strength dulled, his face unreadable. Looking into his wounded eyes, I knew I had done this to him, and I hated myself for it. There was nothing I wanted more than to carry all the pain he felt. Pointing blame at a girl who no longer existed wouldn’t ease the betrayal. Instead, I wanted him just to come out and say it. He chewed on his lip, fighting the tears, and finding the words I earned to hear.
“Don’t let me down easy, Ollie. I don’t deserve easy.” I sat the coffee down beside me. I couldn’t stomach anything. “Please, just say it.”
Ollie pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head slowly.
He couldn’t look at me.
Please, look at me.
“Mia, that’s not with this is.”
I was shaking my head now.
He pressed his back against the bookshelf and tilted his chin to face me. “Do you know how hard it was for me to not run after you yesterday? I wanted to, Mia. After finding out, I still wanted to run after you, and the only reason I didn’t was because it wouldn’t be fair. I was still angry, and I needed to think. But then I couldn’t even think straight. Not without you near me.
“Ollie—”
He raked his hand through his hair. “No, let me finish. I have to get this out, alright?”
I nodded.
“So, when I went to your room and saw you still hadn’t come back, I felt sick about leaving you like that and walked outside to get you. I just know what we have is stronger, Mia. For fuck’s sake, I can’t picture you with anyone, not even my brother. I’m not in denial. I know what happened, but I can’t bring myself to picture it. What happened with you two should be making me sick right now. It should be haunting me, but I can’t fucking see it because I’m yours, Mia, and you’re mine, and that’s all I’ll ever know and see.
“Last night confirmed it for me. I didn’t want to hear your explanation at the time. I didn’t want to say something stupid I didn’t mean. I only wanted to feel what we have. I wanted to make sure you being with him didn’t taint that fucking feeling, and it didn’t. Not for me, anyway.” Ollie exhaled and closed his eyes. “I should have told you he worked here, but the only reason I didn’t was because I wanted to keep the two of you separated. I didn’t want him finding out about you and I didn’t want you confronting him. I couldn’t take the chance.” Ollie moved my trembling hand from my lap to the back of his neck. “Jake said you were throwing up …”
I moved my head rapidly from side to side. “Only because I hurt you … I hurt you in the worst possible way, and it made me sick to know I was the one who did that to you.”
Ollie drew in a shaky breath and ran a palm down his face with his empty hand. “Remember, I told you nothing worth it would be easy?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Things will get difficult, but nothing is going to change the way I feel for you. I won’t allow it. My heart won’t allow it. Every breath I take is wasted if you aren’t in my life, and I know my brother, Mia. My brother doesn’t walk away from a girl. My brother gets a slice of something, and he doesn’t stop …” Ollie’s eyes fell on mine, tears falling, and he did nothing to wipe them away. “He hasn’t stopped with you, has he? That’s the reason for your panic attacks?”
My mind couldn’t wrap around what was happening. Ollie was looking past this. He wasn’t allowing it to come between us. He was more concerned about my panic attacks. “He said no one would believe me,” my voice rasped out.
I don’t deserve him.
“I would’ve believed you. All you had to do was talk to me.”
“You would have done something stupid to jeopardize your future.”
Ollie swiped his eyes across his sleeve. “Dammit, Mia. What has he done?” He looked up again, more tears gathering. “How long has this been going on?”
My eyes were dry, and my lips cracked. The insides of my nose burned along with the ongoing ache in my chest. All my mental strength was c
ompletely depleted. “The last time I … was with him in that way …” I couldn’t even say the word, afraid to break him even more. “Was before you and I had ever kissed. He was only the trainee at the time. Then, when I got back from psych, he came on to me, and I tried pushing him away.” I moved my head back and forth frantically. “He says he owns me. He would have his way with me, and no one would believe me. He taunts me in the halls, and he shows up in my dorm. He waits for me when I walk out of the shower. Ollie, I’m terrified of him and what he’s capable of …”
“Has he touched you?”
“Ollie …”
“Answer me, Mia. Has he touched you since we kissed?”
“Yes, but he threatened to take me away from here. He threatened to send me to the mental institution. Said he read my file. First, it was over clothes, but each time he takes it a little further. I tell him, no, Ollie, I tell him to stop.” When I thought I had no tears left, more found their way down my cheeks and into my hands. “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
Ollie pulled me over his lap and wrapped his arms around me. “I’ve got you. I told you, I’ll never let you go through anything alone, alright? Fuck. I knew you were suffering, but I thought I was helping you get through it. I thought it was your past. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before. I’m so sorry I failed you.” He lifted my head from his neck and wiped his thumbs under my eyes. “It’s you and I, alright?”
I nodded before he pulled me close again.
Somehow, we walked out of the library stronger than stone. For so long, I had allowed my past to brew inside me. I’d let it dictate me, control me, let me become a cynic of the world and the people in it. And yes, life was cruel, and people were vicious, but if you never took your guard down, you would be blinded to the beauty and how people could surprise you.
And people would surprise you.
Ollie had surprised me; all I’d had to do was step outside my comfort zone, and it was scary as hell. I wondered if I would have appreciated his light if I hadn’t been through the dark. And the funny thing was, I would never know. But what I had learned was it wasn’t about what had happened in your past. It was how you let it affect you. There would be dark with the light, good with evil, lose with the win, and love with hate. How could you appreciate when you were up if you’d never felt the pain of the down? Each moment, beautiful or ugly, was never a wasted moment. Each moment was there to mold you: a lesson.
Stay With Me (Stay With Me Series Book 1) Page 29