by Nikki Lane
I drove home, periodically gazing at the plastic bag, limp on the front seat. Kieran was going out with a few friends later, so it would be the perfect time to take the test. If it came out positive, I would have Shelby there to pick me up off the floor. I knew I always wanted kids but never imagined it would happen so early. I was just starting to fall into the groove of teaching, feeling a little more confident this time than years before. Spending the end of the school year on maternity leave would definitely add a new twist. Not to mention what Kieran would say to all of this.
Shelby was already at the house, waiting for me on the porch. Kieran’s truck was still in the driveway the light in his kitchen turned on.
I had the urge to rush inside, afraid to run into Kieran as he was leaving.
“What took you so long?” Shelby asked, standing up. “We left at the same time.”
“Sorry,” I replied. I shut the car door, the bag in my hand feeling like it weighed a hundred pounds. “I had to make a stop at the store before I came home.”
“Did you grab some chocolate?” she said as I opened the front door. “I feel like if I don’t get any chocolate I’m going to rip someone’s head off.” She shut the door behind her, and I tossed the bag on one of the kitchen chairs.
“No chocolate,” I said. “But good luck with that head ripping thing.”
She pouted as she kicked off her sneakers. “How do you not have chocolate at time like this?”
I stilled, clutching the bottle of water I just pulled from the fridge. “Like what?”
“The week when most women hate their vaginas.”
I took of sip of water as Shelby plopped in the chair right next to the opaque bag.
“I’m sorry. I’m not hating my vagina this particular week.”
“What do you mean?" She slouched her butt back in the chair and rested her head on her propped-up arm. “You and I have been menstruating together like sister wives for the last year. It’s how I keep track.”
I leaned against the counter and took another sip of water. “Well, I guess you’re going to have to get a calendar now.” The water bottle crinkled in my hand.
“Rose…” Shelby looked at me with squinted eyes. “What’s in the bag?”
I shrugged my shoulders, this time taking a long, long sip of water. Shelby leaned toward the opposite chair and reached out one lone finger to reveal the contents of the bag. She gasped and cowered back like it was full of scorpions.
“What the hell is that?” she shrieked.
“What do you think it is?”
“You’re pregnant?”
“No…I don’t know.” I shook my head. “That’s why I got the test. Duh.”
“Holy shit.” She shot up from her chair and joined me in the kitchen. “Does Kieran know? It is Kieran’s, right?”
“No, he doesn’t know. And yes, of course Kieran.”
“You didn’t tell him yet?”
“It’s only been a few hours since it occurred to me. I’ve barely processed it myself.”
Her mouth fell open. “But I thought you were on birth control.”
“I was last year. But after months of nothing, I never bothered to get my prescription renewed.” I rubbed my hands over my face.
“Didn’t you use condoms?”
“Of course,” I shrieked, tossing the empty water bottle into the recycle bin.
My face blushed bright red. Not that I cared sharing this with Shelby, but it was a little embarrassing to admit, especially now that I found myself in this position.
“Except the first time we did it after we got back together,” I mumbled. “And a few times after that.”
She raised her eyebrows, her mouth set to unleash.
“I know,” I said, holding up my hands to bombard the glare she was throwing at me. “Trust me. There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t already told myself, a hundred times.”
“I must say, Rose.” She hopped up to sit on the kitchen counter. “It’s been one surprise after another with you. You got a wild chick tucked somewhere deep in that head of yours.”
“How do I get myself into these situations?” I mumbled.
“Oh, you know how,” Shelby scoffed.
I glared at her from the corner of my eye. “That’s not what I mean.”
“Hey,” Shelby said, her voice taking a soothing tone. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. This could happen to anyone. Even the most careful people.”
Oh, how the roles were reversed. Usually, it was me calming her after some major relationship oops.
I turned to face the kitchen sink and ran the cold water to splash on my face.
“Do you feel pregnant?” she asked.
I half laughed into the dishtowel I used to dry my face. “No. But I’ve never been pregnant before.”
“When are you going to take the test?”
“Now. I want to get this over with.”
She ran over to the bag and pulled out the carton. “Good,” she said, examining the box. “You picked a good one.”
I scrunched my face.
“What?” she replied. “Think you’re the only one who thought she was knocked-up?”
“You never told me about that.”
She waved her hand. “We would be doing this once a month.” She tore the box open. “Do you have to pee?”
“Not yet,” I said. “But give it a few minutes.”
Shelby set down the pee wand along with the empty box and threw away the plastic bag. She leaned her elbows on the counter and casually read aloud the instruction pamphlet.
I heard the sound of a car door shut outside. I peered through the window, watching Kieran hop into his running truck. Normally, I couldn’t wait for him to come home. But this night, I couldn’t wait for him to leave. I wanted to get this over with and having him just next door made me even more nervous.
“How about now?” Shelby asked.
“Yeah,” I replied, walking away from the window. I grabbed the stick and held it with two hands.
“I feel like we should say something,” Shelby said, huddled close to me.
“Like what?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know...like a prayer or something?”
“I think God’s got better things to do.” I headed to the bathroom.
“Good luck,” Shelby called.
Five minutes later and the wand was perched on the bathroom counter. The little hourglass steadily flashed in the electronic display area; my heart reaching its target rate for the day. I hovered over it, my stomach wrenching in anticipation. I’d always been viewed as the responsible rule-follower. I rarely strayed from the norm and always did things by the book. Despite Shelby’s best attempts to corrupt me, being irresponsible just never came natural to me. And thinking back, there’s no wondering why. Any attempt at ignoring the responsible thing to do always ended in disaster. Moving in with my loser boyfriend, my one-night stand, now this. I forced myself to leave the bathroom, not wanting to sit and stare at the wand the whole time. I couldn’t take the suspense, and I needed open space to catch my breath.
When I saw who was standing in my kitchen, I wanted to run and lock myself back in the bathroom.
Shelby was in the same spot where I left her, except she was standing straight up, the instruction pamphlet still in her hand, looking like she was caught with her hand in the cookie jar. The empty pregnancy test box was on full display on the counter. Kieran stood near the kitchen table, dressed for his night out. His glare cut to me as soon as I entered the room. His eyes were wide, and the color drained from his face. It was funny how life could change in instant. One minute you’re not pregnant; the next minute you’re wondering if it’s a boy or a girl. One minute you’re head over heels in love with a great guy; the next minute, you’re suddenly questioning the validity of your relationship.
“Kieran,” I said, a little louder than I should have. “What are doing here? I thought you’d left already.”
“I stopped
by to say goodnight before I went out.” He pointed to the box. “What’s going on?”
Shelby cleared her throat and snatched the box off the counter. “This is mine,” she said. “Rose invited me here to provide moral support.”
“Really?” he replied. “Then why is Rose the one coming out of the bathroom?”
I let out a deep breath. “Nice try, Shelby.”
Kieran looked to me for an answer. I opened my mouth but nothing came out.
“I think I’ll just wait outside,” Shelby said. She grabbed her cellphone off the counter and headed out the back door. I wanted to follow her.
Kieran and I locked into a silent staring contest. He was the first to break.
“You’re pregnant?” His voice was deep and low, boding dissatisfaction.
I crept closer to him, afraid that if I moved too fast I’d scare him away. “I don’t know. I’m over a week late on my period and—”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I-I didn’t stop to think about it until—”
“Didn’t stop to think about it? Dammit, Rose. How could this happen?” The panic spread over his face.
“What do you mean? How do you think it happened?”
“It’s impossible.”
I closed the distance between us. “No, I’m pretty sure it’s not impossible. In fact, the way we’ve been going at it, the chances are pretty good.”
“No,” he said. “You don’t understand.”
“What’s not to understand?” My nervousness was quickly turning into anger. “Look, I know this is something that we’ve never talked about but—”
“I can’t have kids.”
My heart sunk to my stomach. My short-lived fantasy of giving birth to a little freckle-face, green-eyed, rock collecting boy faded as quickly as Kieran’s calm. “Well, I didn’t exactly plan it this way either, Kieran. It never crossed your mind once that this could happen?”
“Fuck no,” he shouted.
“No?” I yelled back, throwing my hands in the air. “That’s completely ridiculous. Tell me you are not this careless with every girl you sleep with.”
“Of course not,” he muttered. “I’m not a complete idiot.”
It did little to relieve my anxiety. “We were seriously stupid to do something so risky. But whatever the result, I’ve always wanted kids, and it’s already done and—”
“If you’re pregnant than something is seriously fucking wrong.”
I winced at his words. “Wrong?” I crossed my arms and furrowed my eyebrows. “Exactly what are you implying?”
He responded with a cynical laugh, as if I were missing some very obvious point. I took a calming breath.
“Look, we can solve this right now. I’ll check the test and see if this is even worth arguing about.”
I turned my back to him when he still didn’t utter a word. When I reached the bathroom, I took one last breath before hearing the door slam shut and reading the words flash across the little screen.
I made it back to the living room just in time to see him peel out of the driveway. So much for his overcautious driving. Shelby hung around to pass the tissues as the tears fell from my eyes. I didn’t expect Kieran to break out the balloons and confetti when he saw the empty pregnancy test box. But what I also didn’t expect was his totally fucked-up reaction and vague accusation that it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with him.
“Are you going to call him?” Shelby asked.
“No,” I said in a blubbering mess. I was crouched on the couch, clutching a throw pillow close to my chest. “I’m so fucking pissed at him right now. I don’t even want to hear the sound of his voice.”
A pain tore right through the center of my stomach. It ached with disappointment. How could Kieran be so insensitive?
“Look.” Shelby set the box of tissues on the end table. “I know that his reaction could have gone a thousand times better. But you know how guys are…they see something that freaks them out and their first reaction is to panic and run away. It’s built into their DNA. It’s like they can’t help it or something.”
“Please,” I said. “That’s a sorry ass excuse for being immature and avoiding responsibility.”
“You should at least text him.”
“Text him?” I sniffled into the tissue. “He leaves me without bothering to find out the results. Obviously, he doesn’t care. Meanwhile, here I am, a blubbering mess.”
“You’re right,” she said, handing me another tissue. “Let him sweat over it some more.”
“I should have known better than to get myself involved with him. What’s wrong with me?” Despite my best efforts, the tears still streamed.
“Fuck him,” she said. “Fuck all guys. You think you meet a good one, and he’s either a loser, lives with his mother, not interested in anything but sex, completely irresponsible, or just a plain douche.” She took a deep breath and stood up. “We need some reinforcements.”
Shelby ran to the store and came back with a bag full of junk food, along with a few pints of ice cream. We spent the next two hours watching movies. It was nearly one in the morning when she rolled up from her spot on the couch.
“I better get going,” she said, sitting up.
I didn’t move and just peered over at her from my pillow.
“Are you going to be okay?”
I gave her a silent nod.
“I’ll let myself out.”
“Leave the rest of the chocolate,” I said.
She picked up the bag off the coffee table and plopped it on the floor just within my reach. “It’s all yours, baby girl.”
As soon as I heard the door close, I reached for the chocolate and my phone. No calls. No texts. Another surge of disappointment only to be quelled by the chocolate I had at my lips. My will not to call Kieran was fading. I slouched back in the couch, staring at his number. The worry was settling in deep. He was out…with Scott. He didn’t mention where they were headed, but a flash of panic zinged my senses. Over the last couple months, Kieran had done almost a complete one eighty. He never drank, and he was doing well in school and actually enjoyed it. He hadn’t pulled out a power tool in the middle of the night in ages, and we even planned a stay at his sister’s house this weekend. My thumb hovered over the call button. I yanked it back at the last minute and buried my head into the pillow.
Chapter 29
I waited for Kieran on my porch steps, my weekend bag sitting next to me. I checked my phone for the tenth time and still nothing. A bite of cold air whipped through my coat. I wrapped my arms around my waist and burrowed my head into my favorite scarf. I could have done this inside, but I was working up the nerve to leave.
We were supposed to be on the road now on the way to his sister’s house. But Kieran and I still hadn’t spoken a single word to each other since he stormed off two days ago. It was probably ridiculous to be sitting there, waiting for him as if everything were fine. It was not fine. And I knew it was ridiculous. I guess I was still hoping for his grand apologetic gesture. At that rate, I would be waiting a while, and it was just too damn cold.
I grabbed my bag and headed to the car. Kieran asked Scott to give it a once over a while back, so I knew it was good to make the trip. He could cancel on his sister. Again. But that didn’t mean I had to as well. I just couldn’t do that. And after the way she sounded over the phone last week, I couldn’t believe Kieran could. I had the address and the GPS. When the friendly GPS lady’s voice chimed in, I almost thought she congratulated me on my decision to go at this alone. I didn’t call Kelly because I didn’t want to explain why Kieran wasn’t coming, and why I was, even though we barely knew each other.
But the longer I drove, the better the idea seemed. Maybe I would get a little more insight into why Kieran was…well…Kieran. Pick up a rock off the street, and he’d tell you whether it was igneous, sedimentary, or metamorphic. Pick out a star in the sky and he’d tell you what constellation it belonged to. Ask hi
m to talk about himself and you’d be scratching your head, wondering how such an articulate, unusually intelligent, and amazingly insightful man could become a deaf, dumb, mute.
I made the turn onto the street where the GPS lady said I would find my destination. I parked by the curb of the two-story colonial, complete with white siding and black shutters. It was exactly the kind of house I pictured. It was more modest than her parent’s house but just as inviting. I grabbed my bag and tucked my cell phone into my pocket. I felt a nervous buzz in my stomach as I headed to the front door. This would be strange. I had to get over it. And while I knew Kelly wouldn’t ask right away, it would be obvious that there was trouble in paradise.
I took a deep inhale and exhaled a long visible breath in the freezing air. I adjusted my coat and brushed back my hair before ringing the doorbell. I saw a flash of Kelly’s face through the sidelights and then heard the deadbolt turn. The door swung open, revealing Kelly in all her blonde glory. Her green eyes, hinting at Kieran, smiled as she opened up her arms.
“Rose,” she said, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “I’m so happy you’re finally here.”
I hugged her back, feeling so relieved by her warm welcome. Now, if only it would last once she realized I was alone.
She looked back at the car, her eyebrows pulled together. “Where’s Kieran?”
“He’s not here.”
“Oh? Did you two take separate cars?” She already knew that didn’t make any sense.
“No, not as in he’s not here yet. He’s not here as in he’s not coming.”
Her slumping shoulders ruined her perfect posture.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ll go if you want. I just didn’t want to call and cancel again.”
“No,” she said, reaching her arm out to lead me inside. “Of course not. I absolutely want you to stay. Come in and get warmed up.”
Inside was warm and smelled like cinnamon. I took my scarf and coat and handed them to Kelly who found a place for them in the hallway closet.
“John’s not home from work yet,” she said as she led me into the kitchen. A gas log fireplace flickered in the large living room. “Can I get you something to drink?”