“That may be something I can arrange,” Stuart replied.
Malcolm plucked a glass at random from his tray. He barely tasted whatever potion passed between his lips. He didn’t much register the conversation washing over him either, though he gathered it centered on how good both Stuart and Kyle were at their respective crafts. No, Malcolm was far too busy thinking about how Stuart knew Jesse and Cam. Through a pickup at a gay bar, no less, because that was how Malcolm’s world worked. Hadn’t he and Stuart just been talking about the connections among the guys’ speakeasy crew? Of course, the one time Malcolm felt real interest in another person, not only would that person be a man, but they’d also know his two most uninhibited friends.
What did you expect? That Stuart would be like you?
Malcolm’s insides froze at his own question. He already knew Stuart wasn’t like him. Stuart was normal. The man had desires and fell in love and, when pushed hard enough, fought for the life he wanted to live, regardless of the consequences. Stuart was brave and strong and knew what he wanted, just like everyone else, and Malcolm…was a mess.
He didn’t know anything about desire or love. He had no idea how to take control of his life. Outside of his job, most days it felt like he’d been set adrift in a boat that was slowly taking on water. But he hid that from his friends and family and lied to nearly all of them every single day. He wouldn’t know attraction if it hit him over the head and he had zero concept of how to process the feelings he had about the man sitting beside him.
No, Stuart was nothing like Malcolm, regardless of how badly Malcolm wished otherwise.
“Carter and Malcolm already have that covered.”
Malcolm’s focus slid back with a jolt that jarred him enough that he almost spilled his drink. Quickly, he set the glass in his hand down and noticed only then that half of the cocktails on his tray were already empty and Kyle had moved off down the bar to attend to another customer.
“Sorry. I lost the thread there for a sec.”
Stuart rolled his eyes, his expression teasing. “We were talking about Plan B if the weather goes bad on the night of the event and makes The Over Under impossible.”
“Oh, sure. Car and I talked it over with Matt and Kyle,” Malcolm said, words coming out of him as if on autopilot. “Under is larger than Lock & Key, which makes it the better choice. People get a kick out of the cloak-and-dagger routine, too, what with the blank doors and secret staircase and all that.”
Jesse nodded. “Sex and intrigue always sell.”
Malcolm frowned. That wasn’t even close to what he’d meant. Before he could say so, Stuart hummed.
“You’ve got that covered,” he said, appreciation plain in his gaze as he cast a look at the space around them. “This place is both beautiful and seductive without even trying. Which I suppose was your goal in the first place.”
He tossed an easy grin at Jesse that Jesse instantly returned and Malcolm saw with absolute clarity that they were flirting. The interactions were friendly and subtle and unlike any behavior Stuart had ever shown around Malcolm. Not that Malcolm would have known what to do if Stuart had flirted with him. He didn’t have a clue how to do any of this. Which was exactly the reason he had no business wasting Stuart’s time, tonight or any night.
Malcolm pushed back his bar stool. “Be back in a minute,” he said and got to his feet, his gaze on the floor as he headed toward the restrooms.
However, once he’d reached the doors, Malcolm walked past them and the elevator too, moving toward the fire exit that lay at the back of Under’s space and the staircase that sat behind it. He had a hand on the door’s push bar when Malcolm felt a touch at his elbow.
“You’ll set off the alarm, babe,” Jesse said, his voice quiet but firm.
“I know.” Malcolm dropped his hands and blew a noisy breath out through his nose. “I wanted some air. I should have used the elevator. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“I do.” Gently, Jesse guided Malcolm around so they faced one another. “You’re thinking something went down between your friend and Cam and me. And you’re wrong,” he continued, despite Malcolm’s headshake, his expression so serious it was almost somber. “Yes, Cam and I met Stuart at a bar and yes, we’d have welcomed the chance to play with him, Cam in particular. Stuart said he wasn’t into groups, though, because he’d had an experience go bad with another couple. He told us that as soon as he realized Cam and I were there together.”
“Oh.” Malcolm knew in his bones that Jesse’s candor was one hundred percent real because Jesse didn’t lie to anyone. And he felt inexplicably lighter, as if bags of sand that had been trailing behind him had been cut loose. “Okay. I didn’t know what to think, I guess. And you didn’t have to tell me that, either.”
“Yes, I did. I don’t want you making any assumptions about the chef out there.” The corners of Jesse’s mouth twitched upward and humor made his blue eyes gleam. “You know what happens when you assume, don’t you, Mal?”
“Yeah, yeah.” A low laugh worked its way up into Malcolm’s chest, but he refused to say, ‘I make an ass out of you and me.’
“You shouldn’t make assumptions about Cam, either, because he’s a fucking delight,” Jesse said. “I understand why you would about me, of course, considering my well-earned reputation as New York’s sluttiest playboy.”
His wry smile sent a trickle of unease through Malcolm. True, he didn’t understand Jesse or Cam’s choices. Their attitudes toward monogamy puzzled him and a part of Malcolm wondered how they managed to stay together when both of them so clearly enjoyed finding partners outside of their relationship. Regardless, what Jesse and Cam had together worked. Malcolm loved them both too, and he was as proud as he was happy to count them as friends.
“I don’t think those things about you.”
“That’s because you’re a nice man, Malcolm Elliott.” Jesse’s smile grew wider. “To be clear, I didn’t fuck around with your boy.”
Malcolm’s whole face flamed. “Stuart’s not my…boy. We’re friends.”
Jesse cocked his head and said nothing for a beat. “Okay. I didn’t fuck around with your friend, then. I wouldn’t even think about it, either, knowing you guys have gotten close. Unless you were both cool with it and, in that case, tally-fucking-ho.”
“Understood.” Malcolm laughed again. Jesse caring enough to explain the connection to Stuart made his heart ache in a nice way, too. “Thanks, babe. You’re a good friend.”
“I know this.” Jesse reached up and gently smoothed Malcolm’s hair back instead of messing it up, then tipped his head back in the direction of the bar. “We should get out there before Stuart starts making assumptions of his own.”
Sure enough, Stuart was glowering by the time Malcolm had seated himself again. He had fresh drinks, too, in the form of a regular-sized Paloma for Malcolm and a Moscow Mule for himself, this time served in the traditional copper cup.
“I remembered you like tequila,” he said, his gaze flicking to Jesse, who had moved down the bar and stood beside Kyle, the two chatting while they mixed cocktails. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s good,” Malcolm replied. “Just hashing out a few things.” He ran his fingers over his mouth and the pull inside him pulsed. “Jes told me more about how the two of you met.”
Stuart’s frown deepened. “Then you know we didn’t hook up. I would have told you that if you’d asked me.”
“I didn’t know how to ask.” Malcolm worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “I’ve never been in a situation like this before.”
“What kind of situation is this, exactly?”
“The kind with connections among my old friends and new.”
“Except there aren’t connections.” Everything about Stuart softened, from his expression to his posture to his voice. “I didn’t even remember meeting them until Jesse introduced himself tonight.”
“I know.”
“What’s confusing about that?
Better yet, what difference would it make if I did have connections with your friends?” Stuart licked his lips, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows as he and Malcolm stared at each other. “Why would it matter to you if Jesse and Cam and I had hooked up?”
“Because then you might compare me to them. To Jes and Cam. To other people.” Stuart’s soft laugh made the pull in Malcolm ache.
“I wouldn’t do that. You’re not like other people, Mal.”
“I know.”
Malcolm turned his attention to his highball glass and he picked it up, eyes burning. God, he needed to get away from this disaster of an evening. However, he realized a second later that Stuart was still talking, and every intention Malcom had of leaving went up in smoke as he listened.
“I like that you’re not like everyone else,” Stuart said. “That you’re…quiet. Reserved, maybe. Also interested in everything. Willing to try new things, too, even when they freak you out.”
Malcolm heard the smile in Stuart’s voice. “The first time I asked you to get on my bike, I thought for sure you’d turn me down. But you did it. Took the helmet and climbed on the back, even though I could tell you were scared. That was impressive. You had faith I’d get you home in one piece, and we hardly even knew each other.”
“I was scared shitless.” Malcolm set his glass down, and Stuart’s soft laughter warmed him from head to toe. “I came so close to hurling all over the both of us multiple times.”
“Oh, God.” Stuart’s eyes shone with sympathy when Malcolm met his gaze. “Why did you say yes?”
“I didn’t want to disappoint you. I just didn’t understand that at the time.”
Stuart said nothing for a long moment. “You understand it now?”
“I’ve started to.” Malcolm breathed deep and held it. Now or never, the voice in his head whispered, and this time when he spoke, the words flowed out of him as easily as that breath. “I’m interested in you, Stuart, and I have literally no idea how to handle it.”
Stuart nodded. He opened his mouth as if to speak, then seemed to think better. He cast a glance toward Kyle and Jesse. “You wanna move to one of the tables?” He showed Malcolm a crooked smile. “Your friends are cool, but I’d rather have this conversation without having to worry about how they’ll kick my ass if I say the wrong thing.”
“You never say the wrong thing.” Malcolm’s laugh made Stuart smile wider, though he still looked uncertain. “Kyle and Jes aren’t like that, either. But sure, let’s grab a couch.”
“Is it because I’m a man?” Stuart asked after they’d moved to the seating area located furthest from the bar.
Malcolm didn’t need Stuart to clarify his question—he wanted to know why Malcolm had said he didn’t know how to handle his interest. Malcolm wasn’t sure he had an answer, but he’d try. He owed Stuart that much after the conversation on Staten Island.
“I’ve only ever been interested in one other man. It was never the same as what I’m feeling for you. Nothing’s ever been like this.” He sipped his drink and swallowed. “Generally, I don’t feel this way about other people.”
“Can I ask why?”
“It’s the way I’m wired, I think. I’m gray ace and that has an effect on the way I look at other people.”
Stuart blinked a couple of times before Malcolm saw the penny drop. “Ace as in asexual?”
“Ace as in asexual, yes, but gray as in the gray area between asexual and sexual. It’s who I am. Not one or the other. Somewhere in that spectrum of gray.”
It hurt seeing both confusion and pity flicker in Stuart’s eyes. Damn. This was why Malcolm didn’t tell people about this part of himself. To his credit, Stuart merely nodded.
“This is going to sound stupid,” he said, “but I don’t know what that means, even after your explanation. I… Well, I don’t understand asexuality.”
Malcolm swallowed down that little thorn. “A lot of people don’t. Knowing it’s part of who I am is somewhat new for me too, and I’m still learning about what it means to be on that spectrum. I know I’m not entirely asexual. I’ve had girlfriends and I liked being with them, so it’s possible I’m demisexual.”
“And what is that?” Stuart ran a hand over his beard, his expression so intent Malcolm had to smile.
“It’s when a person only feels attraction after developing a close bond with someone,” Malcolm said. “I, um, don’t mind sex when I have it and I enjoyed it with my girlfriends. Outside of those relationships, I’ve never thought about it much.”
“Really?”
“Really. Sometimes, I’ll meet a person who makes me feel wound up, if you know what I mean. It’s a rare thing, though, because I don’t typically feel attraction for people.” Malcolm licked his lips. “I’m sure this won’t make sense to you, but I’d rather hang out with my friends than hook up with a stranger. I don’t even know how I’d hook up, assuming I’d want to in the first place.”
“It sounds like you don’t have sex much, then.” The red that flooded Stuart’s cheeks made Malcolm smile instead of bristle, particularly when Stuart clapped a hand to his forehead. “Damn, I’m sorry. That was rude as fuck. I don’t mean to sound like such a pig.”
“Stop it.” Without thinking, Malcolm reached up and tugged Stuart’s hand from his face and the sensation of warm skin under his fingertips sent a pleasing tingle up his arm. Malcolm’s whole body hummed. “You don’t sound like a pig. You sound like someone who is trying to understand.”
“I really am.” Stuart wrapped his hand around Malcolm’s and the humming inside Malcolm strengthened. “Look, I’m interested in you, too. More to the point, I like you. As in I’d like to, you know, see if there’s something there between us. I’m attracted to you, and the last thing I’d want to do is make you feel pressured or skeeved out.” His expression grew earnest so that he looked almost like a young boy instead of the churlish badass Malcolm had come to know.
“I don’t feel either of those things,” Malcolm said. “Sex doesn’t repulse me. I just don’t think about it. As in, it doesn’t occur to me to think about it. For what it’s worth, I like you, too, so trust me when I say I wouldn’t be here unless I wanted to be.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Stuart glanced down to where their joined hands rested on the couch cushion. “This is okay?”
“Totally okay.” Malcolm wound his fingers with Stuart’s and nearly shivered as the hum spread. It moved under Malcolm’s skin, making him feel loose and light, and like he’d had several drinks though his thoughts were clearer than ever. “I like this.”
Stuart wet his lips with his tongue so they shone in the low light, and he smiled. “Good. I like it, too. You’ll tell me if you change your mind?”
“I will.” Malcolm had to smile, too. “Don’t think that’ll happen, though. That’s how I know this is different.”
“Because I’m a guy?”
“No. Because you’re you, I think.” Malcom frowned. “I told you that I was interested in a man before. So maybe it doesn’t matter what gender a person is. Maybe what matters is who they are. And specifically, who they are to me. Is that weird for you?” he asked, then immediately wanted to crawl under the table. “I mean, I’m sure everything about this is weird, given I’m not like other guys you’d meet.”
“Mal—”
“I meant is it weird to be interested in a guy who’s not explicitly gay? Because I know you’re not into women anymore, and outside of being gray ace, I have no idea where my sexuality falls.”
“Whoa, slow down.” Stuart rubbed his thumb over Malcolm’s knuckles and the way he pitched his voice low soothed Malcolm in a way he couldn’t describe. “I’m not sure it’d be truthful for me to say I’m explicitly gay. I definitely prefer men, but I was married to a woman, and at the time, I didn’t mind it. So, maybe that makes me closer to bi. I’ve been with bisexual men since coming out, too, and it never made a difference to me.”
Stuart pursed his lips. “I haven’t
known anyone who told me they were ace. I don’t know how to be with someone like that. As in dating, if you wanted something like that.”
“Would you want to?” Malcolm asked, his voice hushed. “Date someone like me, I mean?”
“Yes, I would. Frankly, I’ve been wondering if we weren’t already doing that.” Stuart frowned. “What’s with the face? You look like your brain is about to catch fire.”
“That might be accurate.” Malcom huffed out a laugh. “Given what I’ve told you, I’m having trouble imagining you’d want to go out with me.”
“Why, because you’re not into sex?”
“Well, yeah. I’m not, you know, like guys you’ve been with.”
“I think we covered that already.” While Stuart’s voice held a teasing note, his expression was kind and his touch steady. He shifted closer and the scent of wood and leather filled Malcolm’s nose. “Yes, I’ve had sex with a lot of guys and enjoyed it. I didn’t like even one of those guys as much as I’ve come to like you in the short time we’ve known each other. It’s fine if you’re not sure about me yet, too, because I’ll still be your friend.”
“Okay.” Malcolm smiled. “I’m sure about you though. Sure we’re friends, anyway. I’ve never told anyone I’m on the ace spectrum before. Carter’s the only other person who knows.”
Stuart’s eyes widened. “No shit?”
“No shit. And I’m sure I’d like more with you. Dating, I mean. I’m just not sure where to go from here.”
“That makes two of us,” Stuart said. “A fact I’m surprisingly okay with. That works, right? Ain’t no rules that say we can’t make it up as we go.”
Malcolm let out an exaggerated sigh. “Well, that’s just typical.”
He relished the laugh his teasing got and the way Stuart looked more relaxed than he had all night. What’s more, Stuart didn’t let go of Malcolm’s hand and Malcolm liked that fine.
Chapter Eight
‘I’m gray ace.’
The words echoed in Stuart’s ears as he diced red onions. It was the morning of the CEC event. His staff had the prep work under control and had seemed confused when he’d said he was going to help.
Straight Up Page 10