We sat for a few seconds as she stroked the hand that I had rested on her arm. Then she took a deep breath and asked, ‘What do you want from me, Tom?’
I didn’t answer straight away, and maybe she thought that I hadn’t heard her, so she asked the question again. ‘What do you want from me, Tom?’
‘I don’t want anything,’ the words came out carefully as I tried to work out the right way to say it, ‘ at least, not anything from you that you don’t want to give me.’
Her lips were trembling and I thought that she was going to cry. She didn’t, but she did admit, ‘I am so scared Tom.’
‘You have nothing to be scared of,’ I told her again.
‘He hurt me so much,’ she sniffed and swallowed hard.
‘But I’m not him,’ I squeezed her arm to emphasise the point.
‘I know you’re not,’ she said quietly. ‘And that’s what scares me the most.’
I think I understood where she was coming from – I’d probably have felt the same if I’d been in her place.
‘What are you doing with me, Tom?’ she asked.
I couldn’t help myself and said flippantly, ‘Having a drink.’
‘Please, Tom,’ she said seriously. ‘There’s something I have to understand.’
‘What do you want to know?’ I asked.
‘Be honest with me,’ she said and then quickly apologised for having said that. She took another deep breath and asked, ‘What do you want from this relationship?’
That was a tricky one because I’d said that I would answer honestly and the honest answer was that I didn’t know. I chose my words carefully.
‘At first, I just wanted friendship,’ I said, ‘you and I were friends long ago and I want us to be friends a long time from now.’ I was stretching the truth a bit about us being friends long ago, but she used to smile at me from time to time so that had made us friends in my book. I took a long slug on my beer for Dutch courage. ‘But I’d be lying to you, Michelle,’ I said, ‘if I said that I didn’t want more than that now.’
I knew that she was looking at me but I didn’t take my eyes off my pint. ‘I don’t know how far we can go with this, but I want us to take it as far as we can.’ As soon as the words were out of my mouth I took another gulp of beer.
‘You make it sound so simple,’ Michelle said.
I shrugged my shoulders and told her, ‘It’ll be as easy or as hard as it will be and we’ll deal with it.’ I gave her a second or two to take in what I had said and then asked, ‘What about you, Michelle? What do you want from this relationship?
‘I...’ she said the word slowly, stringing it out while she decided what it was that she wanted to say. She gave a little cough before she carried on, ‘I like you Tom, I like you a lot and I’ve felt things in the past few weeks that I hadn’t expected to feel again, at least not so soon. You make me laugh and you make me happy but then...’
‘What?’ I had to prompt her.
She took a deep breath and said, ‘But then I remember the way things are.’
‘And what way’s that?’ I knew what she meant but I needed to hear her say it.
‘I’m pregnant,’ she almost whispered it, but even so she looked around to check that no one had heard her.
‘I know you are,’ I said.
‘And it’s not yours.’ She made it sound like she was telling me something that I didn’t already know.
‘I know that, too,’ I said.
Then, she surprised the hell out of me by saying, ‘ I wish that it was.’
I surprised myself even more when I admitted, ‘I wish it was too.’
That was the first night that I kissed her. There’d been pecks on the cheek before, and even one brief joining of lips, but that night I kissed her – really kissed her – and she kissed me back.
I can still see her face cupped between my hands as I tilted it towards me. I wanted to look at her so that I could see her eyes and know that this was what she really wanted. She looked as scared as I felt because we both knew that our relationship was moving to a new level.
Oh my God, she tasted so sweet!
As I walked home, I replayed the evening over and over in my head. In the space of a few hours I’d gone from thinking that she was going to finish with me to, well, being in a relationship with my brother’s pregnant ex-girlfriend.
I asked myself two questions during that short walk. Firstly, would it really be as simple as I’d made it sound? And secondly, would my brother regret walking away from her?
I told myself that, firstly, life was only ever as complicated as you made it and, secondly, I didn’t give a shit about what Robert regretted.
ROBERT
Tanya knew a bloke who knew a bloke who was looking for a barman so, by the end of the week, I was serving pints of beer in a pub that was off the beaten track but seemed to have loyal regulars.
‘There’s some odd bods,’ Gloria, the landlord’s wife, told me on my first day, ‘but the regulars are a pub’s lifeblood and we couldn’t do without them.’
On that first afternoon I thought there were a few dodgy characters that they could do without, but I wasn’t there to rock the boat so I kept my mouth shut.
Working behind a bar had never been part of the plan but I had to earn a living somehow. It wasn’t much of a living – I earned a lot less than I had in the garage – but it was a wage and, at that point in my life, that was the important thing. I had a job and I had somewhere to live so I was doing all right.
‘How was your first day?’ Tanya asked when I got back to her flat. She didn’t give me a chance to answer before she said, ‘Don’t worry, it’ll get better. The place is buzzing during the season.’
Be that as it may, I hoped I wouldn’t be there in the season to see it. Not as a member of staff anyway.
I thought about Michelle a fair bit during those first weeks. I know that on that first night, when she’d told me that she was pregnant, I’d hoped that there wasn’t a baby but, in my heart, I knew there probably was. Hadn’t I done a runner because I’d thought she was telling the truth?
Done a runner. I’d never have put me down as someone who would run, but, I had and there was no going back even if I’d wanted to. So, given that I thought Michelle was carrying my baby, of course I wondered how she was. I did think about ringing her but what would I say? Sorry I buggered off and left you to it? I didn’t see that helping the situation. Anyway, I didn’t want to give any clues as to where I was. I’m talking about the days before caller ID, so she couldn’t have worked out where I was by using 1471, but maybe she could have overheard something – a seagull or some other sound that might give my location away. Look, I know it sounds stupid, and I’m embarrassed even to tell you, but I wasn’t thinking straight.
Thank God there were no mobile phones back then. Can you imagine if I’d tried it now? I’d have had my mum on the phone every two minutes begging me to come home. I was fairly certain of that, you know: that my mother would have tried to persuade me to come home. I didn’t think Dad would have been as keen, apart from to get me to do the decent thing by Michelle, and I reckoned our Tom wouldn’t have cared either way, not really. By that time we weren’t as close as we had been. Would Michelle have tried to get me to go home, too? Maybe at the beginning, but once she got her head around things she’d have worked out that she was better off without me. So, in the end, I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.
By the time that Easter was around the corner, I’d been working at The Brown Bull for about five or six weeks. The week before, Gloria had asked me how I was finding it.
‘All right,’ I’d told her. We were setting up the bar ready for opening time and we talked as we worked.
‘Not what you’re used to though, is it?’
I made a non-committal sort of noise because I didn’t know what to say. I mean, she and her husband had given me a job and I was grateful for that. But she was right; it wasn’t what I was used to. ‘A change is
as good as a rest,’ I said.
She looked at me and said, ‘You could be good at this if you gave it a chance. You have a good way with the customers.’ She came towards me and handed over some beer mats to put out. ‘I know it’s not very exciting at the minute, we just sort of tick over at this time of year, but during the season it’ll be busier.’ Just before she walked away from me she said, ‘Just give it a chance, Rob.’
I put the mats along the bar, taking a bit more care than necessary which gave me time to think about what Gloria had said. She was right when she said that I was good at the job. I know that sounds big-headed but the hardest part was learning how to pull a good pint and I’d picked that up pretty quickly. It wasn’t working with cars but, to be honest, I didn’t mind it. I enjoyed talking about football all day and Gloria and Phil certainly weren’t the worst bosses. After the first week they’d left me to it most of the time.
I put one beer mat each on the two tables to the right of the door. An old bloke called Danny would sit at one table and his mate Trevor would sit at the other. Everyone else would sit at the bar. There was a chance that someone else would come in and upset the status quo – it would be like a scene from a Western where everyone stops talking and turns around as the stranger walks into the saloon.
I’d been promised that things would be different during the season, so I thought I’d stick around to find out.
The holiday makers started to trickle in during Easter week, and Danny and Trevor started sharing a table to make way for the extra customers. The thing about seaside towns is that there are a lot of holiday flats all over the place and even back-street pubs like The Brown Bull enjoyed an influx of customers.
Rachel was part of that influx.
She came in one Saturday night in May. She was with two other girls and I noticed her as soon as they walked in. Paul, the part-time staff, was working that night and he’d served them their first round, but when I saw her stand up and gather the glasses I made sure that I was there to serve her when she reached the bar.
‘What can I get you?’ I asked.
‘What are you offering?’ she asked. She was flirting with me and I thought, all right two can play at that game.
‘Your wish is my command,’ I said, giving her my best smile.
She said that I could start by getting her three Bacardi and cokes.
Over the course of the evening I found out that her name was Rachel and that she was here for a week with two friends to celebrate the end of their A Levels. They’d wanted to go to Benidorm but their budget hadn’t run to it.
‘What time do you finish?’ she asked a couple of drinks later when the Bacardi had started to take effect.
I told her that I’d be finished around midnight. We couldn’t compete with the pubs right in the centre of town so we closed at eleven and I was usually on my way home within the hour. Rachel’s friends went on to a club after we closed, so she sat on a stool at the bar and waited for me.
Paul didn’t object to having to clear up around her and Rachel and I left together when we were finished. I asked her if she wanted to go to a club or one of the other pubs in town but she said no. She said that she wanted somewhere more private, where we could get to know each other a little better. Ten minutes later she was unlocking the door to the rented flat that she was staying in. By the time I left, we knew each other very well.
It was after three when I walked the relatively short distance from Rachel’s bed to Tanya’s. It took me less than ten minutes. Tanya stirred but didn’t wake up as I got undressed as quietly as I could and slid into the bed. I whispered that I was sorry but I don’t think that she was awake enough to hear it.
I woke a few hours later to find an empty place in the bed beside me and I lay there for a few minutes listening to Tanya moving around in the kitchen next door. After a few more minutes the smell of bacon hanging in the air dragged me out of bed.
‘Knew this would get you out of your pit,’ she said as she moved bacon around the frying pan. ‘Sit down, it’ll be ready in a minute.’ A few minutes later she put my breakfast in front of me. There was a mug of tea that I hadn’t seen her make there too.
‘Thanks,’ I said. I waited for her to sit down with her own breakfast before I took the first bite. If nothing else, I have manners.
‘I never heard you come in,’ she said as she lifted her own sandwich from her plate.
‘Good,’ I pushed my food to the side of my mouth so that I could speak, ‘that was the plan.’
She gave me a funny look so I explained that I hadn’t wanted to wake her.
She left it at that.
Rachel wasn’t the only casual relationship I had that summer. Who am I kidding? They weren’t relationships, they were sexual encounters. Sex, pure and simple. No ties, no comebacks. I wasn’t sure if Tanya knew what was going on but, if she did, she didn’t say anything. Like that first night, the one after I’d slept with Rachel, Tanya might make a comment about me getting home late but she never asked where I’d been or who I’d been with.
Tanya wasn’t a stupid woman – she must have known what was going on – she just chose not to say anything. To be fair, she could well have been sleeping with other blokes. I thought we had an open relationship that suited both of us. I suppose you’d call it friends with benefits.
TOM
By the time that Robert had been gone for about three months I was in love with Michelle and I couldn’t imagine being without her. I also couldn’t imagine how my brother could have walked away from her, but that was his loss.
We’d taken things pretty slowly by most people’s standards, I suppose. We went out, I took her home and I kissed her goodnight. I’m not going to tell you that I didn’t want things to go further – I’m no saint – but Michelle had been through so much and I didn’t want to rush anything. That being said, we both knew how serious we were about each other.
I remember it was the May Day bank holiday Monday when I first went to Michelle’s parents’ house as her boyfriend. I’d met them before, but this time was different: before, I had just been Robert’s younger brother.
I’d first suggested that we let our families know how serious we were the week before, but Michelle hadn’t been so sure.
‘Why not?’ I asked.
She looked a bit sheepish as she said, ‘My mum thinks I’m making a mistake.’
‘Fair enough,’ I told her, ‘but it’s your mistake to make.’ Her eyes were wide as she looked at me. She looked so scared. ‘Look, Michelle,’ I took hold of her hands and tried to sound reassuring, ‘you have to make your mind up. Either you’re serious about me and about us or you’re not and, if you are serious, then our families have to get used to it.’
So that’s how I ended up sitting in the living room of Michelle’s parents’ house on a Bank Holiday Monday in May.
Conversation was a bit tricky. It was basically a question followed by a one sentence answer and then another question and so forth and so on. Michelle’s mum had eyed me suspiciously when she’d handed me a cup of tea and her dad just eyed me suspiciously full stop.
I’d been there about an hour when Michelle’s mum made some lame excuse to leave the room and took Michelle with her. I guessed that the moment of truth had arrived and it wasn’t long before Davy Jenkins got to the point.
‘Michelle’s my only daughter,’ he said, looking me squarely in the eye. ‘Your brother has already broken her heart and I swear to God I could break his neck for doing that. If you hurt her,’ he paused for effect before adding, ‘rest assured, I will break yours.’
I matched the look he was giving me and told him, ‘ I am not my brother, Mr Jenkins.’ We weren’t on first name terms by that point and there would be a lot of water to go under the bridge before we were, but we had come to an understanding. We both loved Michelle.
A couple of days after that I told my parents that Michelle would be coming to the house.
‘What’s she coming here f
or?’ Mum asked.
‘To see me,’ I said. I thought it was a pretty stupid question and I don’t think I hid that fact from my voice.
‘Why?’
There she was with another stupid question. ‘Why do you think?’ I asked.
I can’t tell you how much effort it took not to laugh in her face when she said, ‘Don’t you take that tone of voice with me, Thomas!’
Oh no I thought, not the Sunday title. ‘Well—’ I didn’t get chance to say anything else.
‘Well what?’
Honest to God, I felt about five years old again. ‘She was always welcome here before.’ I said.
‘And she’s welcome now, son,’ my dad said. Mum threw him a look that I couldn’t see but he stood his ground. ‘Yes she is, Janet,’ he said firmly and I saw Mum visibly back down.
She stared at him for a few seconds and then turned back to me. ‘I just don’t understand what you think you’re playing at,’ she said, but the fight had gone out of her voice by then.
‘I’m not playing at anything,’ I said.
‘She’ll get the wrong idea, you know.’
I’m not even kidding, she really did say that. My mum has said many a stupid thing in her time, but I thought she’d excelled herself with that one.
‘About what?’ I asked.
‘About what you want from her,’ she spoke slowly, emphasising each word.
I’d had enough of that conversation, so I told them that I was going to have a quick bath and left the room. ‘She’ll be here soon,’ I told them just before I started to climb the stairs. But I didn’t go upstairs straight away. I paused to listen to what my parents were saying to each other.
‘Isn’t it enough that she’s ruined the life of one of our sons?’ I heard Mum say.
‘That’s not fair, Janet,’ Dad said quickly. ‘Robert did wrong by her.’
I thought that Mum might be crying when she said, ‘He was scared, that’s all.’ I heard her blow her nose before she said, ‘And what’s he going to think when he comes back and finds the two of them carrying on together?’
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