by K. C. Crowne
Ooo000ooo
“I’m just going to use the bathroom real quick.” Molly’s voice came from the living room.
I was headed in there to say goodbye to the two of them, but I stopped in place. I was in the hallway leading to the nearest restroom. I needed to talk to her before she left.
I needed to know.
Molly turned the corner and saw me, her face lighting up. “Silas,” she whispered, stepping closer to me, “I was hoping to find you alone before I left.”
Her eyes never looked so blue or pure, causing my breath to catch in my throat.
“I wanted to talk to you too,” I said. “I have a question for you.”
She cocked her head to the side, a confused look on her face. “Go on, you first.”
“I overheard something, and I just want to know if it’s true.” I spoke slowly, trying to find the best way to explain. I didn’t want her to think I was eavesdropping. “Was I the first man you’ve ever been with?”
Her eyes were as wide as the dinner plates, and her mouth opened to a perfect O, but no sound came out.
“Tell me the truth, Molly,” I pushed. “I need to know.”
“I’d never been with someone before you.”
I closed my eyes and let out a whistle of air. Oh fuck, I thought. I couldn’t believe that I had been her first. Her first time was in a fucking barn on a bale of hay. It should have been special. A girl like her? She could have had any number of men, so she must have been saving herself for someone and then I came along and fucked it all up.
“Silas, I know what you must be thinking.”
“I don’t think you do.” I opened my eyes and found it hard to look at her sweet face. I had taken something from her. Yes, she had wanted me as badly as I wanted her, but we weren’t in our right minds to make such a choice. Had I known, I could have prevented all of that, or so I told myself. In all honesty, I hadn’t had much control in the moment.
“I don’t regret it, if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said. “I just hadn’t found the right guy, didn’t really have much time for dating. My virginity isn’t tied to my virtue or anything That’s some sexist old-fashioned bullshit, if you ask me.”
I raised an eyebrow. Sometimes she could really surprise me. “So you don’t care that it wasn’t special?”
“Who says it wasn’t?” Her voice cracked slightly, betraying her true feelings. “I’ll never forget it, that’s for sure.”
“And you’re ok with giving it to someone you might never see again?”
She shrugged. “I’m a big girl, Silas. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is. We can’t be together for a ton of reasons, and I can handle that. I’m not a fragile little flower that’s gonna wilt in the sun.”
Jesus, if I wasn’t about to fall for this girl. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she said with a chuckle.
“Molly? We need to go!” Christopher called from the other room.
“You’d better hurry. What did you want to tell me?” I asked.
“I just wanted to say goodbye to you properly,” she said.
“Properly?”
Before I could finish, she stood on her tiptoes and planted her lips on mine. I stood there, stunned for a moment. Her lips were soft and warm and impossible to not kiss back. I held her against me, forgetting that my mother or son could walk in on us at any time.
I kissed her like we’d never kiss again.
Molly
“Jamie and Mickey got us VIP passes to the new club opening down the street, but let me guess, you don’t feel like going out.”
“Not really,” I said softly. “Tell them I appreciate the offer, but I’m too stressed about the job search right now.”
“Bummer,” Christopher muttered under his breath, his eyes on his phone as he typed up a text.
“Go, have fun without me,” I offered. “I’d be a downer anyway.”
He finished his message and moved from his bed over to mine, sitting next to me. “Are you sure it’s just stress about the job hunt? You haven’t been the same since we got back from the ranch.”
We’d gotten back three weeks prior, but everything had been a blur. I’d spent all my time head down, looking for jobs, hoping and praying that something would come along before I was forced to be a goddamn bike messenger or something just to pay my half of the bills.
But I hadn’t been the same. Not simply because I no longer wanted to go out to the clubs, but because there was a distance between us now. I had kept something from him, a huge secret, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Not to mention I saw our relationship a bit differently since the trip.
I’d messed up and I couldn’t talk to the one person I normally talked to about everything. I loved with him dearly, but I didn’t feel the need to tell him everything about my life anymore. I also didn’t feel like spending every waking minute together because he would often grate on my nerves after a while.
I had a lot on my mind.
I was getting over Silas, grieving the loss of what we could have had if distance and a million other complexities weren’t involved.
“You know, you’re never going to get laid if you stay cooped up in the house all the time?”
It was his normal teasing, but it hit a nerve.
“Who says I want to get laid?” My tone was harsher than I’d intended for it to be, but I wasn’t sorry. He liked to tease me about being a virgin every chance he could get, and while it used to be funny, now I saw it as something different.
He thought I knew nothing about relationships or feelings. He thought I was naive and stupid, all because in his mind, I hadn’t gotten laid.
“Sorry, just thought you might like to lose that v-card eventually,” he said, his apology mostly sincere.
Before I could stop myself, the words just fell from my mouth. “Who says I’m still a virgin?”
Christopher laughed, but when I didn’t join in the laughter, he stopped and stared at me. “Come on, Molly. We both know you haven’t gotten laid. Why lie to me?”
It was too late to take it back. “I’m not lying. Believe it or not, you don’t know everything about me, Christopher.”
I stood up and moved away from the bed and him. Our apartment wasn’t very big, so I went to the tiny, pitiful excuse for a kitchen. I stood at the sink, facing the wall, not wanting to look at him.
“Wait, so who? When?”
“It’s none of your business,” I retorted. “I know more than you give me credit for. So you can stop making fun of me for it anytime now.”
Christopher didn’t say anything for a long time. I knew he was still there because there was nowhere else he could go, but the room felt empty.
I wished I could be alone.
I wished he would just head out, giving me time to myself. I wasn’t depressed, but I also didn’t feel like going out. Not to mention, I wasn’t sure what else was going on with me. My period was late, and it was never late. I was kicking myself for not using protection or at least getting the morning after pill. Everything had just happened so fast, and I wasn’t even sure where I could have gotten the pill in the middle-of-nowhere Texas.
Tears welled in my eyes, but I wiped them away. I pushed away all thoughts of a possible pregnancy. It did no good to worry about it until I had answers. With my eyes full of tears, I turned back around and found Christopher looking at me with hurt in his eyes.
“What is it?” I asked. “Why are you looking at me like that? Can’t I have a life of my own?”
“Of course, Molly,” he murmured. “I just never realized you felt that way before. You should have told me it bothered you that I joked about you being a virgin. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Christopher stood up and walked over to me. I wanted to step away, to give us some distance, but I had nowhere to go. He took me by the shoulders and stared into my eyes, his steely gaze reminding me of his father’s.
That was another reason for the dis
tance. It was hard looking at him without seeing Silas and being reminded of him.
I averted my gaze.
“Molly, I love you, you’re my best friend and the best person I know. I know I’ve been a selfish prick lately, but I count on you to call me out on it before it gets this bad. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to.”
Hearing him apologize and acknowledge what he’d done wrong did help. It helped a lot.
“I love you too,” I said, feeling the tears returning. “I just—well, I saw how you treated your family, especially your grandmother, and I realized that you don’t treat me all that great either sometimes. I’m supposed to be your best friend, I’m there for you when you need me, but I don’t always feel like you’re there for me when I need you. Especially lately.”
Christopher let out a deep sigh. I knew this was hard for him to hear. The fact that he hadn’t once rolled his eyes or made a snarky comment meant a lot. He was listening.
“I’ve been so caught up with Tyler that I haven't been a good friend. I’m sorry about that, and I’ll be better, I promise.” He lifted my face, forcing me to look into his eyes. “Can you forgive me, bestie?”
“I haven’t been the best of friends to you either,” I said slowly. Molly, don’t you dare -- you’d be hurting more than your friendship with him. Christopher and Silas seemed to make some progress in their relationship. It would be selfish to admit to it now and potentially put more strain on that relationship.
“Nah, you’re perfect. You’re the best, Molly, and I mean it. Even my dad had nice things to say about you.”
His words tugged at my heart. I closed my eyes, fearing they’d give away something. I just kept reminding myself not to say anything, not to blurt out what happened. No matter how guilty I felt, I couldn’t tell him.
Ooo000ooo
“Have fun in Vegas,” I said.
“Oh, I will,” Christopher said with a grin. “Are you sure you’re okay being alone?”
“I think I might get spoiled having the place to myself for a bit,” I teased. “So go, don’t worry about me.”
I was sitting on my bed, my laptop in front of me and about forty windows open with job postings. I was terrified I’d never find a job. Some days I wished I had rich parents to invest in me, to help me open my own business. The industry was hard to break into, but I’d proven time and time again that I had the chops to design. It was working for other people that I struggled with, especially when I wasn’t given the creative control I desired. I didn’t go into this industry to let others tell me what I could design - I wanted to create, I wanted to design. And most of the jobs were for people who didn’t believe in giving out that kind of autonomy.
At that moment, I’d be grateful for anything that would help pay the bills.
Christopher headed out and the apartment was all mine. I would say it was quiet, but that would be a lie. I used to think it was quiet when I was there alone, but ever since I’d been to the ranch, I knew what true silence was like.
Here, there were always cars out on the street and people walking around upstairs. The elevator was right by us, so the beeping and the sound of it opening was almost constantly in the background. Tuning it out had never been a problem before, but I craved true silence. It was weird, but I actually found myself yearning for more time in Texas, and not just because of Silas.
I went back to work, but the open tab on my laptop wasn’t a job posting.
It was a travel site. I had typed in the dates and searched for flights to Houston. I did that a lot, dreaming mostly. I knew I couldn’t go back, especially alone. That would just be weird.
But there were other reasons I was searching too.
My period was officially a month late. At first, I’d chalked it up to stress over being jobless, but as one week turned into four, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
I’d had no privacy in the apartment until now, and I’d put this moment off long enough. I reached under my bed and pulled out the Duane Reade bag. Inside were three pregnancy tests.
With a sigh, I hopped off the bed and went into the bathroom. I read the instructions about a hundred times, making sure I knew what to expect. It seemed simple enough. Pee on the little stick, then wait. I’d picked up the kind that literally said pregnant or not pregnant because I didn’t want any questions - I needed to know.
My heart pounded in my chest, and I thought it might explode. But I did everything it said to do. And then I waited.
And waited.
I kept checking the time on my phone.
Finally, the timer went off.
I looked down at the stick and my heart stopped.
The word “pregnant” stared back at me.
Just to be safe, I took the other tests, hoping for a different outcome.
But all three had the same result.
“Dammit, Molly,” I cursed myself, my face in my hands. “How could you be so stupid?”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe, the tiny bathroom closing in on me. My stomach roiled, and I thought I might be sick. I fell to the floor, my head leaning toward the toilet just in case. I’d been feeling sick for a bit anyway, and I always blamed it on what I’d ate. But now I knew. It had been morning sickness.
This time, I didn’t throw up, thankfully. As soon as the feeling passed, I climbed to my feet and left the bathroom.
I needed air.
I opened the window near my bed, the traffic below nearly deafening. The air was cool, and I inhaled, the feeling of sickness returning as the smell of the city met my nostrils. And I was far more sensitive to the city stench than I was before.
I closed the window and climbed into bed, craving the clear air of the plains.
After picking up my laptop, I scrolled through my latest flight search. It would be expensive to book a last-minute flight, but I knew what I had to do.
I pulled up my bank app on my phone and transferred the money from savings - money my parents had given me to live off of while I found a job. Money I shouldn’t have been touching.
But I had no choice.
Silas had to know he was going to be a father. Again.
Silas
“Good girl.” I patted Martha and rewarded her for another great trail ride with beginners. A family with a ten-year-old was visiting us, and Martha had been a pro, like always.
But now every time I worked with the horses my mind drifted to another sweet girl. I couldn’t get Molly off my mind, even a month later. I’d talked to Christopher on the phone since then, asked about her. She was doing well, he’d said, but left it at that.
I hoped she was happy, and that she was right - that she didn’t regret sleeping with me.
The sun was setting, and it would be dinner time before long. I listened for the familiar dinner bell chiming as I finished checking on the other horses. I stepped out of the stables, heading back to the house when I saw a figure in the distance.
“Who the hell…” I muttered to myself as I squinted. It was a woman; I could tell by the figure. Petite but with curves in the right places, just like Molly. She had blonde hair that fell past her shoulders, but that’s all I could see from this distance. She was in the driveway by the house, looking my way. Guests normally didn’t park near the house; they had their own parking area near the cabins.
My pace increased as I headed for the house, and with every step I took, the woman became clearer. She walked toward me, and I knew without a doubt that it was Molly. I quickened my pace, and she seemed to walk faster too.
Before we even got to each other, I blurted, “What are you doing here?”
She spoke at the same time. “We need to talk, Silas.”
I paused, trying to wrap my head around what was going on.
“Alright, but not here,” I said, taking her hand and guiding her to the stables.
She followed, and I kept thinking that it couldn’t be real. She couldn’t really be here. Then I’d glance back and there she was, her hand in
mine.
God, she was so beautiful. I could stare at her all day, every day, and never tire of the view. She was more breathtaking than the horizon in the distance, sweeter than my mother’s baked apple pie.
And she was back.
She wasn’t supposed to be back.
When we reached the stables, I pulled her into the private room in the back, locking the door behind us. “What’s going on? Is Christopher okay?” I asked, suddenly terrified that she’d come to tell me my son was hurt, or worse.
“No, no, Christopher is fine. But, Silas, we have a lot to talk about,” she reiterated. Her voice didn’t sound like I remembered. Something was clearly wrong.
I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing my son was alright, but she looked nervous. “Go on, talk to me, Molly. What brought you all this way?”
She licked her lips and seemed to think over her words carefully before speaking. “First of all, we need to tell Christopher what happened. I can’t keep lying to him. We’ve made up, and he’s been a better friend to me and it doesn’t feel right keeping this from him.”
I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She was right. Lying to my son was the last thing I wanted to do, especially as we were finally repairing our relationship. We needed to start out with a clean slate, with everything out on the table.
I nodded my head. “You’re right.”
“You agree with me?” she stammered, her brows drawn.
“Yes. I mean, don’t get me wrong - I’m dreading it and it may damage our relationship even more, but it’s wrong to keep lying to him,” I admitted. “So we’ll tell him what happened and explain that it was a brief deal and hopefully he can forgive us.”
“Yeah, Silas, about that—” She hesitated. “I have more to tell you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Well, go on.”
“I don’t know how to say this…” She closed her eyes and blurted the words out so quickly, I wasn’t sure I’d heard her right. “I’m pregnant.”