“No, I guess when you’re eight, it’s not your choice at all.” I didn’t like the sympathy on his face. I didn’t need it. I wasn’t someone to feel sorry for.
“My mother brought us here. Yes, I hated it at first. But after a while, I realized she was right to bring us to Pastor Carter. He only wants—”
“What’s best for everyone. Yeah, I’ve heard it a million times,” Bastian deadpanned.
We came to a steep drop off. David and Anne were already making their way to the bottom. Carefully I started to follow, thankful for the walking stick Bastian had found for me. I had forgotten how treacherous it was getting to the waterfall. As a kid, it hadn’t seemed so daunting. It was a bit different as an adult. I was clumsier. Less sure on my feet.
“Hold on to me. It’ll be easier that way.” Bastian held out his hand and I took it, needing the support. He held onto me tightly. Not letting go even when I stumbled.
“Do you think you’d feel the same way about Pastor Carter’s sermons if you heard them for the first time now? You’ve been raised on it, so you’ve come to accept it as the gospel truth. You are made to recite the same principles, the same beliefs over and over again until there is no other way to think. No other way to live. That’s called indoctrination.” Instinctually I felt angry. Any suggestion that what I was raised to believe wasn’t true brought out vicious emotions in me.
Bastian must have recognized the ire in my expression. He squeezed my hand. A warm, secure gesture. Skin on skin. “I’m not saying what Pastor Carter teaches is wrong. I understand that to you, it’s absolute. But there’s more than one truth, Sara. There’s more than one path. You have to be open to what else is out there.”
I felt lightheaded. The sun was hotter now than it had been. I could tell by the way it was dipping in the sky that it was now early afternoon. We had totally lost sight of Anne and David but I wasn’t worried. Anne knew where she was going.
“Pastor Carter says there’s one path. One plan. God’s plan.” I repeated the words I’d always said. Always been told.
It sounded hollow to my ears.
Bastian nodded. “Maybe that’s true. Or maybe it’s not. The ideology of one man doesn’t have to dictate your entire life, you know. You’re eighteen. You’re an adult. You can make your own choices.”
Make my own choices?
That had never been an option for me.
I had known from the time I was a child that my life wasn’t my own. That I had one unquestionable fate. I had never doubted it. Perhaps because those around me accepted it too.
Bastian didn’t accept it.
He asked me questions that I didn’t know how to answer.
I had known for the very beginning there was something different about him.
I had thought it dangerous at first.
Did I still?
“I’m preparing my soul for The Awakening—”
“About this Awakening. What is it exactly? You all talk about it enough, but I have no idea what it is. No one will tell me.”
Because none of us, aside from Pastor Carter, really knew.
I hesitated. Bastian instantly picked up on it. “You don’t know, do you,” he stated flatly.
“I—we—it’s when we ascend,” I finally said lamely. It sounded ridiculous. Even to me.
We came to a break in the trees. Ahead of us lay a large open field. David and Anne were dots in the distance. Bastian grabbed my arm, holding me back. Not roughly. But with persistence. “Sara, you’ve lived the past ten years believing you are destined for this great event, yet you don’t know what it is?” He wasn’t mocking me. Instead he looked desolate.
It was the desolation that almost pierced my heart.
“Pastor Carter knows,” was all I could say.
Only Pastor Carter.
“Is that enough though? To take the word of one man? Why is it okay for him to hold all the cards? Why is it okay for him to dictate how you live just because he says so?” I felt myself quake inside. From anger at his presumption.
At fear that he may be right…
“No. That’s not how it is.”
I thought of the dark walls of The Refuge. Of the day I had stopped crying. Blood on my wrist.
Then Pastor Carter’s face above me.
He saved me from myself.
That’s what he told me.
“Only I can save you, Sara. Lean on me. Listen to me. I’ll never leave you…”
“Why do you do that?” Bastian asked suddenly, pulling me out of my darkest memories.
“Do what?” I asked in confusion.
“Rub your wrist when you’re upset.”
I dropped my hand, not realizing what I was doing. “I’m not upset.”
Lies. So many of them.
They devoured me.
Bastian lifted my wrist. Ran his thumb over the thin, raised scar. His eyes lifted to mine. They shattered me. “Sara…”
I snatched my hand back, wrapping my fingers around my wrist. “It’s nothing.”
Realizing he had stepped over a line, he let it go. Though there was an awareness now when he looked at me that was unsettling. As though he could see straight through me. To the darkest, most desperate part of me.
He looked as though he wanted to say something more.
Maybe I wanted him to. Maybe I wanted to share the burden.
Instead he sighed, the softest of noises. The saddest of sounds.
“How much farther do we need to go?” He tried to smile. It was bleak and pointless.
“Only another fifteen minutes or so.” My voice was brittle and weak. As though all the air had been taken from my lungs.
I could almost still feel his fingers on my wrist. On the secret I kept hidden there.
He took my hand. “Show me the way, Sara.”
We walked across the meadow. The soft heat of the summer day bearing down on us. I didn’t take his hand. I wished I was brave enough to.
The sun was so bright it was blinding. It scorched my skin. It tasted like fire.
I imagined dying that way. With his hand in mine.
I could hear the waterfall before I saw it. The roar as it hit the rocks. We all but ran down a hill to the river below. I could see David and Anne sitting on the bank, shoes off, feet dangling into the water.
Anne waved as we approached. “Took you long enough,” she called out.
“It was farther than I remembered.” I kicked my shoes off and waded in up to my ankles. The water was chilly, but not too cold.
“Wow,” Bastian breathed beside me. The waterfall was no Niagara Falls, but it was difficult to hear each other over the crash. We were close enough to feel the spray.
“There’s a great fishing spot just down the river. We used to go swimming there when we were younger.” I pointed downstream.
“Why don’t you come here anymore?” he asked, taking off his socks and shoes and joining me in the water.
“With my other duties, I don’t really have time to run off and play in the woods.” I felt the weight of that statement. These woods had made my early days at The Retreat almost bearable. Anne and I had spent hours by this waterfall after she arrived. Sometimes talking. Sometimes silent. The distance between here and what lay behind us felt huge at the time. And important.
I hadn’t realized I missed the waterfall. The respite from the immensity I wore around my heart. I hadn’t known it was even there. Until now.
“You should always make time to run off and play in the woods. Like the kids did the other day,” Bastian said, kicking water in my direction.
“Hey!” I squealed, my skirt soaked.
“Oops, sorry,” Bastian chuckled, splashing me again. The water was cold as it dried but I didn’t care.
For once…it really didn’t matter.
“You don’t want to start something you can’t finish, Bastian Scott,” I warned, leaning down and filling my cupped hands with water.
Bastian, seeing what I was doing
, started to back away from me. “I can finish whatever you start, Sara Bishop.”
I threw the water at him, dousing his face before he could turn away. He shouted as the cold droplets slid down his shirt. “Fucking hell!”
I splashed him again, laughing, not even caring about his foul language.
“Wait a minute, Sara, give a guy a second to—” He pulled on my arm and then both of us were falling into the river.
“Bastian!” I yelled. But I wasn’t angry. Far from it. I couldn’t stop smiling.
Bastian started to swim away from me. I went after him, grabbing his leg and yanking hard, pulling him beneath the water. He rose up, sputtering, shaking his head like a dog.
“You’re in for it now,” he teased. His dark hair hung in wet curtains around his face. His blue eyes sparkled with glee.
My breath caught in my throat.
I couldn’t look away…
And then he dunked me.
So, I pulled him under the water with me.
We both bobbed to the surface. He pushed my hair out of my eyes. “Much better,” he murmured. “I like seeing your face. It’s the kind of face that’s meant to be looked at.”
My heart thudded. Painfully. Purposefully. I ducked my head back under the water, mostly to cool the heat in my cheeks. When I came back up Bastian took my hand and pulled me towards the bank.
“Come on. There’s something we have to do.” He climbed out of the water and I clamored after him.
“What are we doing?” I asked, out of breath.
Bastian stopped at the foot of the cliff wall that led to the crest of the waterfall. He pointed to the top, at least twenty feet in the air. “We’re going up there.”
I refused to budge. “Uh-uh. No way.”
Bastian’s eyes sparkled at me. Full of so many things. He held out his hand. Waiting for me to take it.
“Take my hand, Sara. Let me teach you how to fly.”
I couldn’t.
I could get hurt.
What if I slipped and fell?
What if I never tried and always wondered what could have been?
Impulsively I took his hand. With careful footing, we made our way to the top of the waterfall. Bastian went slowly, making sure I wouldn’t slip. His hands hot on my hips as I climbed ahead of him. I felt rattled. Too warm. My clothes felt as though they clung to every inch of me and Bastian could see everything.
“You okay?” he shouted from behind me, needing to be loud so I could hear him over the pounding water.
“Yes,” I yelled back. And I was. I really was.
Finally, we made our way to the top. Bastian put his arm around my waist, holding me close. “Look,” he said softly against my ear. I could feel his lips. I should move away.
I didn’t want to.
Standing at the top of the waterfall, I felt as though I could have been at the top of the world. David and Anne seemed so far away.
“Amazing, right?” Bastian pressed so, so close.
I turned to look at him. Our faces only inches apart. I could feel his breath on my mouth. His eyes burned bright. “It is,” I agreed, my voice barely heard above the waterfall.
“Sara…” My name came out as a plea.
As something indescribable.
I was caught up in the moment. I wasn’t thinking.
Only about what it would feel like to kiss him. What his lips would taste like. What his skin would feel like.
It would be so easy. To lean forward. To press my mouth to his.
He wanted me to. I could tell. Even with my zero experience with the opposite sex, I knew Bastian wanted me.
And I wanted him just as much.
It was all so perfect. For once.
Absolutely perfect.
“Let’s jump,” I breathed.
Bastian’s lips quirked upward. “What?” He sounded winded. As though he had just run a mile.
Without thinking, I kissed him.
Not the way I wanted to.
But on his cheek. At the spot where his lips met.
It was the safest place to touch him. Even if I craved so much more.
“You said you’d teach me how to fly, Baz. Come on.” I used his nickname on purpose. He liked it. I could tell.
“Okay then,” he said, holding my hand tightly.
We walked to the edge of the waterfall. It was a straight drop. I knew that the water at the base was deep. You couldn’t see the bottom. It was safe enough.
With Bastian, I wasn’t scared.
We stood there for a moment. Bastian’s thumb ran along the scar on my wrist. I unconsciously stilled. But he didn’t say anything else. There were no more questions.
“On the count of three,” Bastian shouted. “One. Two. Three—”
We jumped.
The world fell away.
There was only me. Only Bastian.
And the incredible feeling of falling with him.
When we hit the water, I held my breath, plunging deep. And still he held my hand.
We broke the surface together, sputtering. It was the most exhilarating feeling I had ever had.
“That was crazy!” Bastian exclaimed. He took my face in both his hands while we treaded water. “Who knew you had that in you, Sara?”
“There’s more to me than you think,” I sassed.
He rubbed my cheek with his thumb. “I have no doubt.”
“Watch out!” we heard David yell, our attention pulled reluctantly from each other.
David stood on the bank, a crazy smile on his face. “Oh no,” Bastian moaned.
We ducked just as he jumped into the river, curling his legs into his chest, creating a huge splash.
“Dick!” Bastian gasped, swimming after his brother. I watched with something like wonder as the two brothers horse-played like kids. David laughed. It was jarring. Shaky and disused, it sounded foreign coming from his mouth.
I swam to the bank of the river where Anne still sat, watching the two men with a dreamy expression.
I trudged out of the water to sit beside my friend. “You’ve ruined that shirt,” she commented, gesturing to the ripped sleeve and mud-stained collar.
I shrugged. “Oh well.”
Anne’s eyes widened. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
I chuckled. “She’s taking the day off.”
Anne put her arm around my shoulders, not caring that I was making her wet too. “Good. It’s been too long.”
David lifted Bastian as though he weighed nothing and threw him into the water. David looked back at the bank. At Anne. He put his hand to his mouth, kissing his palm. Sending it to her.
She beamed.
I felt concern. It could only end badly. She wasn’t allowed to choose who to give her heart to.
I thought of my own boldness. Of kissing Bastian, no matter how chaste. Of holding his hand. Of letting him touch my face.
Neither of us had the right of choice. It wasn’t our fate. Our path.
Anne and I should know better.
I stared harder at my dearest friend. At the affection written there.
I had never seen that expression on her face before. I hadn’t realized I was missing something that had never existed. I wanted that for her.
Happiness.
I allowed myself to feel the fullness in my chest. The way my stomach knotted and clenched when I looked at the man with blue eyes and a smile like the sun. Bastian Scott. With his endless questions and stories. Never contented to accept what he was told, he had to know…
“Hey Sara, check it out!” Bastian hollered, standing on a large rock that jetted out. I shielded my eyes from the sun so I could see him. When he was sure I was watching, he did a cannonball into the waterfall.
I made a show of clapping wildly and whistling through my fingers. Bastian grinned, pleased by my reaction.
Anne rested her head on my shoulder. “You like him.”
I puffed up, embarrassed, denial on
my tongue. But I never voiced it. There was no point. Anne had always known me better than I knew myself.
Anne took my hand, lacing our fingers together as we often did. “He likes you too.”
“No, he doesn’t—” I started to say, my cheeks heated. My mouth dry.
“He makes you smile.”
I leaned into her as we held each other up. “David makes you smile,” I observed back.
We were quiet for a while. Letting the weight of it sink in.
“He’ll never allow it,” Anne stated mournfully.
My eyes began to burn. My chest ached. “I know.”
“We can’t have a choice, can we?” Her voice cracked and I knew she was crying but trying not to.
I squeezed her hand. I wished, more than anything, that I could tell her differently.
“Enjoy today, Anne,” I whispered. “Just enjoy today.”
But we both knew it wasn’t enough.
It was late when we finally left the waterfall.
David and Anne had once again gone ahead, arms wrapped around each other, leaving Bastian and me alone. We were both still wet and with the sun dipping below the horizon, we were cold. My clothes were ruined. I’d have to throw them out. I really didn’t have time to make a new skirt and blouse, but I couldn’t be upset with how I’d spent my afternoon.
“Thanks for today. And for the art supplies. And for being my only friend here. I really need one,” Bastian said as we neared The Retreat. My steps felt heavier the closer we got. I knew there would be consequences for missing Daily Devotional. I already dreaded seeing my mom. Seeing Pastor.
“Sure,” I said distractedly as we came to the break in the trees. I could see smoke rising from the chimneys, the smell of cooking on the wind. I steeled myself for what I was going to face.
“So, I was thinking of making a tee-pee and camping out in the woods. Maybe start communing with the deer. I could make my own crafts and sell them in town. You want to join me?”
“Sure,” I said and then realized what he said. “What a minute, what are you talking about?”
Bastian shook his head. “You’re distracted. What’s going on?” He took my hand, stopping me. “You’re a hard woman to read, Sara. One minute we’re having fun, talking and laughing, the next you’re freezing me out. It’s like walking on an ice shelf, waiting for it fall out from underneath me. Not that I don’t love being kept on my toes, I just wish you’d tell me what you were thinking.”
Ashes of the Sun Page 17