She used both hands to pull me to her side. “You’ll only make it worse for David and for yourself. You need to calm down.”
“Where the hell are they taking him?” I asked through gritted teeth.
Sara’s eyes were full of grief. Her lips pressed together fretfully. “The Refuge. It’s where disciples are taken to—” She let out a noisy breath as if too distressed to continue.
“What happens in The Refuge, Sara? Tell me now.”
Her face was unnaturally pale. Her breathing labored. “It’s where we go if we aren’t following the path,” she whispered, closing her eyes. She appeared in agony.
“Have you ever been to The Refuge?” I asked, trying to soften my tone but failing. I could see how stressed she was, but I could only think of one thing. I had to get to my brother.
She nodded. “Many times.”
I didn’t want to hear any more. I could tell that whatever this fucking place was, it was bad. I wouldn’t leave David there. I would get him out. I would do whatever I had to.
“Take me there,” I commanded.
She balked. “I can’t—”
“Please. David needs me. I won’t leave him alone.” I took her hands, covering them with my own. “Please, Sara.” I’d beg on my knees if I had to.
Anne came over, her cheeks tear stained. “I’m so sorry, Bastian. I don’t know what happened.” She started to cry again.
“Start at the beginning, Anne. He seemed better when I left.” I still held onto Sara’s hands. As if losing that physical contact would be my undoing.
“He was doing better. He was even smiling. I had gotten him out of bed. He and I—.” She blushed. I could infer what she wasn’t saying and I didn’t want to hear about what they had been doing. “Pastor Carter arrived. Said he needed to speak to David alone. He asked how he was doing and I told him about how he’d been in bed most of the day but he was up now.”
I could feel Sara’s hands shaking in mine. She was having a visceral reaction and I didn’t know why. But I kept my focus on Anne. “What did Pastor Carter say to him?”
Anne covered her face with her hands, her shoulders heaving. “I don’t know. He made me leave the room. I was standing outside when I heard David cry out. I tried to go back inside but the elders barred the entrance. They wouldn’t let me go to him.”
I was shaking with fury. My suspicions that Pastor Carter was a destructive, malicious man were confirmed. I wanted to kill him.
But I had to play this right. If I wanted to get David away from this awful group, I couldn’t commit murder.
That didn’t mean I would abandon my brother though. I looked back at Sara. She seemed ill. I ran my hand up her arm to cup her cheek. Her green eyes were glassy. Unseeing. As if she were stuck in a memory she couldn’t shake.
“Sara, can you tell me where The Refuge is?”
“You can’t go there, Bastian. We’re not to disturb someone when they’re out there,” Anne argued, her voice trembling.
I took a deep breath and willed myself to calm down.
I wanted to rage.
It would do no good.
I had to be smarter than the ignorant fucks who had dragged off my brother.
“I won’t leave David. He’s been left too many times. He needs me.” No one would stop me from getting to him. From getting him out. “He needs all of us,” I said, the words hitting Anne hard.
She bowed her head, her shoulders sagging. “I’m so sorry, Bastian.”
“Then take me to The Refuge.”
Anne and Sara exchanged a glance. I could tell they had an entire conversation without saying a word. The connection between the two women was intense. And strong. Like the one I had with David.
“Okay,” Anne replied finally.
Sara pulled her hands from my grasp. I wanted to hang on but would never, ever restrain her. She had had enough of that in her life.
“Come on.” She beckoned for me to follow her. The three of us headed for the woods.
We walked for what felt like miles. I had no idea where we were. You see one tree, you’ve seen them all. I was out of breath by the time we climbed down into a small ravine. I could see what looked like a dilapidated wooden shack at the very bottom. It was completely exposed and totally isolated. The shingled roof had gaping holes and the entire structure looked as if it would fall over in a strong wind.
Anne and Sara stopped walking when we were ten feet away. “That’s The Refuge,” Anne said, her voice cracking.
I was horrified. “That’s The Refuge? That piece of shit building?”
“Yes,” was all Sara would say.
“My brother is in there?” I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t look fit for human habitation. And these assholes had stuck my brother out here? Away from everyone?
“I think so.” Anne wrapped her arms around her middle as if she couldn’t stay warm.
I ran to the shack, tripping over rocks in my haste. When I got to the door I noticed that it was closed with a heavy padlock. The kind you needed bolt cutters to break. I tried pulling on the door but it wouldn’t budge. The Refuge may look derelict, but it was pretty structurally sound.
I pounded on the wood with my fists. “David, are you in there?”
It was silent. Too silent. I barely noticed Anne and Sara behind me. “David!” I shouted.
Then there was a rustling, followed by a groan. “Baz?”
I almost sagged with relief. “I’m going to get you out of there!” I yelled so he could hear me. I started looking around for something to break the lock with. I picked up a heavy rock and started to slam it into the metal. It didn’t even dent it.
“Stop it, Baz,” I heard David say. His voice sounded weak and scratchy. As if he had been shouting for a long time.
“No! I’m getting you out of there.” I slammed the rock down onto the lock again and missed, bashing my thumb instead.
“Motherfucker!” I hollered, dropping the rock.
“Baz, don’t.” David sounded as if had moved closer to the door. “Just go away. Please.”
“I won’t leave you in there. What the fuck is wrong with these people that they would lock someone inside this place? All alone out in the middle of nowhere? It’s wrong, Dave. Don’t you see that?” I didn’t care that I was insulting Anne and Sara’s family right in front of them. If they couldn’t see how messed up this was, they were the problem.
My feelings for Sara be damned.
“I deserve this. Go away,” was all David said.
I felt Anne push me to the side, pressing her palms to the door, her cheek to the wood. “You don’t deserve this, David. You did nothing wrong!” she exclaimed, surprising me.
“I do, Anne, I do,” David sobbed from inside. I recognized the sound of that brokenness and it terrified me. It infuriated me. Because Pastor fucking Carter had caused this when he brought him out here.
“You’re wonderful, David. Just the way you are,” Sara said. “Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re anything less. God loves everyone. Flaws and all.” She didn’t move any closer to The Refuge as if she couldn’t bear being so close to it. But I appreciated her words to my brother. I felt my heart soar even as it shattered.
“Go home,” David pleaded. “I don’t want you here.”
I went to stand beside Anne and Sara came to flank my other side. She was trembling, as though it took all of her strength to be out here. “Then we’ll stay here, David, until they come to get you. You won’t be alone,” Sara promised, her voice wobbling. I could tell how much it cost her. But she was strong. Stronger than even she realized.
And I was incredibly thankful for her and Anne.
I took Sara’s hand and squeezed. She squeezed back.
“How long will he be here?” I asked. Rain had started to fall. A few drops at first and then a cascade of water drenched us.
Sara’s teeth began to chatter, her clothes sticking to her skin. “It could be a few hours. It could be days.�
�
“Days?” I exclaimed. I looked around. There was nothing out here but trees and rocks. No shelter but for the overhang of The Refuge’s roof.
Sara rubbed her arms, trying to get warm. “I was out here for a week once.”
“A week? God, what did you do to earn a week in this shithole?”
Sara ducked her head, seeming unwilling to answer. Anne put her arm around her friend’s shoulders. “She cried too much. Is that right, Sara?” she filled in.
“Excuse me?” I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly.
Anne glanced at Sara, who lifted her chin. Her expression unflinching. “I didn’t want to be here in the beginning. I wanted to go home. My mom has never been the most patient person. Particularly when it came to me. Pastor Carter—” She paused, her stern demeanor slipping slightly to reveal the slightly broken girl underneath. “He brought me here. He said it was to help me accept my true path. The Gathering of the Sun expects you to forget your past. The present and the future are the only things that matter. Mourning the loss of an old life has no place here.”
“So, they lock you away like a criminal?” Just when I think I’d heard the worst of what Pastor Carter could do, I saw that I had only scratched the surface.
“Not like a criminal. I deserved it. It was to help me,” Sara protested, though I could tell she was starting to doubt what she was saying. She looked at the padlocked door, her lips trembling. She shook her head, her hair falling into her face. “It was supposed to help me.” I could barely hear her.
“It was supposed to help me,” she said again, her voice so small.
Anne said nothing. She only rubbed her friend’s arm, offering the only comfort she could. It wasn’t enough though. Not nearly enough.
“How old were you?” I asked, dreading the answer.
Anne’s eyes were wet. I still couldn’t see Sara’s face. “Nine,” Sara whispered.
I recoiled, taking a step back. I leaned against The Refuge door, my legs threatening to give out from underneath me.
“They’re monsters,” I hissed, fury unlike anything I had ever felt before, seeping out of me. “All of them are monsters. Don’t you see that?” I shouted. I pointed at sky. “No God would want a nine-year-old to be shut out in a shed because they cry too much. Those aren’t holy dictates. That’s human cruelty.”
Sara straightened her shoulders. She pushed her hair back from her face and there was a fierceness in her eyes that gave me hope.
This place had tried to break her. But it hadn’t. Not by a long shot.
And she didn’t argue with me. She didn’t chastise me for my condemnation. For the first time since I had met her she didn’t defend the actions of Pastor Carter and The Gathering.
“We’ll stay with him. As long as it takes,” she said instead, steel in her spine. She sat down on the ground in front of the door. She pulled her knees up to her chest, tucking in her chin to try to shield herself from the worsening weather.
Anne sat beside her, huddling in close. Then I did the same. I shivered, the rain wet on my skin. I wasn’t dressed for a night in the woods. None of us were. But we’d stay.
For David.
Maybe for Sara too. I suspected she needed this as much as my brother.
Hours ticked by. Day gave way to night. And still we stayed.
We spoke to him. He didn’t respond much but I knew he heard us.
And when the elders came back for him the next morning Sara made us hide. I didn’t want to.
I didn’t care if they saw us.
“If you want to help him, you have to pretend, Bastian. It’s the only way,” Sara pleaded.
She was right.
We watched Clement and Stanley unlock the door and drag an unresponsive David back to The Retreat.
Sara put her arm around my waist as we waited for them to leave. I leaned into her. Needing her comfort.
“We’ll save him,” she promised softly in my ear. “We will, Bastian.”
And I believed her.
Because love was greater than blind faith.
Something had changed in me.
Something big.
It had been coming for a while.
Since that day at the gate when I had convinced Pastor Carter to let Bastian inside.
That one moment had altered the course of my entire life. I had fought it. I had resisted it. But I knew that I was different now.
The night spent out at The Refuge with Anne and Bastian was the turning point. The moment when I could no longer deny that something was very, very wrong at The Retreat. With The Gathering.
Any other person would have known that years ago. Being told I had to marry should have been the final straw. But my choices had been made for me for so long, I had stopped trying to think for myself.
Until Bastian forced me to see things in a new way.
Whatever it was, it scared me. It had been a long time since I questioned anything. Least of all the very foundation of my faith. The very foundation of my life.
But seeing David Scott being dragged away to The Refuge had triggered horrible, paralytic feelings inside me that I had thought buried deep.
The truth was those kind of feelings never stayed buried. Not true ones. Not ones that changed you from the inside out.
David was different after that. His depression total and all consuming. He stopped coming to Daily Devotional. He spent hours upon hours with Pastor Carter. He stopped talking to Anne.
He stopped talking to Bastian.
“I thought he might get better when he came here,” Bastian said a week later. We were raking leaves to be burned. I felt tired and achy. The effort to lift the rake almost too much. I hadn’t been sleeping very well. Mom came in and out all hours of the night.
I had dared ask her what was going on, as it was unusual for her to sleep so little.
“We are in preparation, Sara. You know this,” she answered furiously. Her moods were manic. She dipped and soared at a rate that I couldn’t keep up with.
“For The Awakening?”
Mom slapped me, chipping one of my teeth with the force. “Always for The Awakening! You know this!” Then she cradled my face and kissed my nose. “I love you, Sara. But you’re too distracted. Pastor has noticed. He’s concerned about you. We all are. We’re watching you, making sure everything is as it should be.”
Her clear warning left me frozen. I lay awake all night after that, worried about the nightmares that waited for me if I were to close my eyes.
I raked more leaves into a pile before stopping. There were many more leaves to rake but I couldn’t be bothered. “I’m sorry that he hasn’t,” I told Bastian sincerely. “He should never have been taken to The Refuge.”
There I said it. Out loud too. Fear and habit had me casting a quick look around to ensure I hadn’t been overheard.
“What does Pastor Carter hope to accomplish by sending people there?” Bastian leaned against the rake, his hair tangled around his face. I didn’t stop myself from reaching out to push it out of his eyes.
I did that a lot lately—take every opportunity to touch him.
Bastian hadn’t kissed me since he brought me the book. The same book I now slept with beneath my pillow. I read the notes and inscriptions he had written in the margins before going to sleep. I didn’t care so much about the author’s words as I did about Bastian’s.
His thoughts mattered.
I fanaticized about kissing him again.
About doing more than kissing.
I touched myself for the first time last night as I remembered the feel of his lips on mine. I imagined it was Bastian’s fingers between my legs. Pressing. Rubbing. I had never dared find physical pleasure before.
It was a sin.
Pastor Carter made that very clear.
It was an earthly distraction. Our bodies were temples devoted only to God.
It was another example of how I was continuously defying everything I had ever been told. Everything I ha
d ever been taught.
The shame was almost crippling. But I did it anyway.
It was like a compulsion. This need to do things I had been told I shouldn’t.
Being with Bastian after thinking such wicked thoughts about him was slightly mortifying. What if he could tell what I was imagining about him?
Even if he didn’t know, God did. And that made me feel horrible.
I quickly dropped my hand from his face. Bastian smiled. It was a sad, miserable sort of smile.
I cleared my throat and propped the rake against a tree, needing a little distance between us. “He says The Refuge is a place to focus on God’s word. With no distractions, no people, we can reaffirm our holy vows.”
Bastian snorted and rolled his eyes. “It’s all fucking ridiculous.”
He was right.
It was ridiculous.
I frowned at him. “Keep your voice down. You don’t want someone to hear you.”
Bastian sighed but lowered his voice. “Let’s go, Sara. Leave all this behind. It’s toxic. If not downright criminal. It’s no kind of life.”
I wanted to. So much.
But my fear held me back.
“How can I leave my mother—?”
“Well from what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t be missing much. She doesn’t even seem like she wants you around,” Bastian cut in harshly.
Even though what he said was true, it still hurt. His honest observation hit me square in the chest.
“What about Anne?” I added weakly.
“We’ll convince her to come too. If she leaves, David will. I know it.” Bastian’s eyes lit up with a fire that I felt deep down.
“He cares about her,” I stated.
And Anne cared about David. Even though he was five years older, it didn’t matter. They had a connection. I could see it. Everyone could see it.
Bastian resumed raking leaves. Though he seemed to be simply pushing them around rather than gathering them into piles. “He does. A lot. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him smile or even remotely happy. He’s only like that around Anne.”
“Our lives have been devoted to this place. To these people. To Pastor Carter. I don’t know how to be anyone but Sara Bishop, perfect disciple.”
Ashes of the Sun Page 24