Ashes of the Sun

by A. Meredith Walters

  We were all panting breaths and shaky hands.

  With clumsy fingers, I tried to unbutton his shirt. It took forever. I felt as though I were moving through quicksand. Bastian chuckled. “Let me do that.” His voice was deep and gruff. It made my insides flutter.

  He quickly took off his shirt and I touched his skin with my fingertips. He shivered and I felt a sense of power at having that effect on him.

  He was lovely. All smooth flesh and hard muscle. I pressed my palm over his heart. I could feel it beating wildly under my hand.

  “You do that to me,” he smiled. “I can hardly breathe when you touch me.”

  I pulled my hand away. “I can stop—”

  He grabbed my hand and pressed it to his chest again. “No. Please don’t stop. No matter what, don’t stop.” It came out as a plea. A little desperate.

  As if the need in him equaled the craving in me.

  Yet I was nervous. Unbearably so. I was a quivering, aching mess. Bastian, sensing my trepidation, pushed the hair back from my face and dropped his forehead to mine. “What is it? Tell me, Sara.”

  I closed my eyes, self-conscious. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never—I’ve never done this.” I felt so immature. Naïve. Ridiculous. Bastian had lived a life with normal experiences. He must have been with other girls. Done things I wouldn’t even begin to know how to do.

  I felt a flare of jealousy at the thought of him with anyone else.

  I hadn’t realized I felt so possessive. Proprietary.

  Somewhere along this crooked, jagged path, Bastian became mine. I wouldn’t relinquish him for anything.

  “Look at me,” Bastian murmured and I opened my eyes. And the way he stared at me left me shaking.

  “This is all new to me too,” he admitted, his fingers trembling as they touched me. “I’ve never…” He swallowed. Then he took a deep breath. “I’ve never loved anyone before. Not like this. Not where I feel like I’m waking up and falling off a cliff all at the same time.” His gaze was hot. His caress careful. “I feel as though I’ve waited my whole life to love you, Sara Bishop. My path—my journey— was finding my way to you.”

  Pastor Carter was wrong. Happiness shouldn’t hurt.

  It should feel exactly like this.

  “Bastian,” I whispered just before he kissed me again.

  And this time we didn’t stop.

  We moved in tandem. Clothes fell to the floor. Skin on skin. I touched him. He touched me.

  I gasped, arching up off the bed when his fingers found my core. I cried out. I couldn’t help it.

  I wouldn’t be silent.

  Not anymore.

  He fitted himself between my thighs. I was scared but I knew he would take care of me. He would never let me fall.

  “I love you,” he rasped as he pushed his way into my body.

  I wanted to say it back but the pain stole my words. I hadn’t been expecting that. In truth, I knew very little about what happened between a man and a woman. I knew the basics obviously, but no one had warned about it hurting. My mother never gave me the “talk.” Everything I had gleaned about intimacy came from talking to Anne and the others. And they weren’t exactly fonts of knowledge when it came to sex.

  I had no experience except for…

  My mind recoiled. My body stilled.

  The memories of Pastor Carter. His hands. His hot breath on my neck. His insistence that he acted on the will of God.

  No!

  I wouldn’t think about that.

  Not here. Not with Bastian.

  I focused on the man above me. The alien fullness between my legs. The low burn in my belly. The soreness deep inside.

  It kept me in the here and now. Not in that dark, ugly place my mind wanted to go.

  “Are you okay?” Bastian asked and I could only nod.

  I was more than okay. I was the most okay I had ever been in my entire life.

  All because of him.

  Because of this glorious, amazing feeling he had unleashed inside of me.

  Because of the thousand ways he had changed me. Changed my life.

  Even if it terrified me. Even if I had no idea what came next.

  I knew that the person I was becoming was so much more than the person I had been.

  “I don’t want to hurt you. Are you in pain?” His brow furrowed, his eyes worried.

  I pulled his face down to mine. I kissed him, not so gently. “It hurts. But it will hurt more if you stop.”

  He reached between us to touch me. I moaned loudly.

  “Is that better?” he murmured, sucking on my earlobe.

  “Yes,” I breathed. “Keep doing that.”

  He grinned against my skin and did as he was told.

  When he started to move, I found that my body answered in kind. His fingers did magical things. And while it still pinched and pulled, the discomfort was secondary to this other thing happening inside me.

  As if ruled by instinct, I began to move with him. I rode the wave. Cresting high before crashing.

  Through it all, Bastian was gentle. Tender. He held me close. He kissed me as if I were the most important thing in his entire world. And I felt how much he loved me. It bled out of him, coating every part of me.

  The pain didn’t matter. Nothing did.

  Only this man. This moment. This new life.

  “I love you.”

  He whispered it over and over again.

  “I love you.”

  I opened my mouth.

  The words never came.

  He took my silence. Never demanding. Never wanting more. He took what I offered, knowing that for now, that’s all he could have.

  It was the most I had ever given to another person.

  Was it enough?

  He ran his fingers along the rigid scar on my wrist. He lifted my arm, kissing it. Accepting it. Accepting me.

  When it was over, we lay wrapped around each other, my ear against his wild, beating heart.

  He kissed the top of my head, his hand stroking the sensitive skin of my lower back. Neither of us spoke.

  I knew that this feeling of contentedness couldn’t last.

  Reality waited just beyond the door. Demanding we acknowledge it.

  But not yet.

  I wasn’t ready.

  For now, I wanted to have this tiny slice of perfect.

  I rolled onto my stomach, propping my chin on his chest, looking up the man who I knew I loved.

  “I liked that thing you did,” I said shyly, not quite meeting his eyes.

  Bastian raised his eyebrow. “That thing I did? Can you explain in more detail?” He was teasing me. I could hear his amusement.

  I poked him in the side and he laughed. “You know…that thing.”

  I hid my face in mortification, wishing I had kept quiet.

  “I need to know more about this thing you enjoyed.” Bastian pulled me up onto his chest, my legs straddling him. I was forced to look at him, my hair in crazy tangles around us as I leaned over him.

  “You know what I’m talking about,” I harrumphed, hating how silly I sounded. How inexperienced.

  “Baby, don’t look like that,” he said softly.

  Baby…

  I felt warm at the endearment.

  “Like what?” I ducked my head.

  He sat up so that we were pressed chest to chest, my legs around his waist. We were fitted together again and I could feel him getting hard beneath me.

  He kissed my chin. The tip of my nose. “Like you’re ashamed. Embarrassed. You don’t ever have to feel that way with me. We’ve done nothing wrong. This—” He kissed the hollow of my throat. “Makes all the horrible stuff worth it. I feel like I’ve found that one person who makes living possible.”

  “I just feel so young compared to you. Even though I’m eighteen, I don’t know anything…”

  Bastian wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight against him. “You know that I love you. You know that I wouldn’t
change a thing about who you are. Those are the only things you need to know.”

  Thank you, God, for giving me this man…

  I melted completely.

  Then we were kissing once more. And I wanted him inside me again. I wriggled, not caring that I was sore. Ignoring the twinge of pain as he rubbed against me. He groaned.

  “Sara…”

  When he entered me a second time it still hurt but it was a pleasant sort of pain.

  “Bastian,” I sighed, tightening around him. He shuddered, holding onto me as if scared I’d disappear. I had to tell him.

  He had to know.

  “Bastian…I lo—”

  “Sara! Bastian! Are you in there?” Anne’s hysterical voice came from the other side of the door, followed by the pounding of her fist against wood.

  Bastian and I looked at each other in alarm. I winced as he slowly pulled out of me. We became two separate individuals once more.

  It was difficult to do. I felt cold and alone without his skin touching mine. The admission I had been about to make floated off into nothing.

  “Sara!” Anne’s shrill cry had me quickly getting dressed. Bastian already had his pants on and was buttoning up his shirt. He opened the door and Anne rushed inside.

  She didn’t ask what we were doing or where we had been. The look on her face filled me with dread. Her skin was ashen white. Her eyes so puffy from crying they appeared swollen.

  She was gasping for breath. I took her by the shoulders and gave her a little shake. “Anne, what is it?”

  My best friend began to sob. She covered her face with her hands. “It’s David. My god, it’s David.”

  Bastian was there in an instant.

  “What happened to my brother?” Bastian demanded. I looked at the man who only a few minutes before had been inside me. Now his face was hard. His eyes flashing fiercely.

  Anne began wailing. It was the most awful noise I had ever heard. Like some wild animal caught in a trap. Her eyes were wide and feral as she looked at me. “Pastor Carter said The Awakening has begun.”

  I felt a chill, cold as ice, creep down my spine. “The Awakening?”

  Anne lunged for Bastian’s hand. “You have to go get him, Bastian. Now!”

  “Baz—!” I screamed as he took off running.

  Anne continued to sob beside me. I grabbed her arm. “What’s happening, Anne? Tell me!”

  “David was so down. Depressed. Pastor Carter said it was time for him to go home. That David would only find peace once he was with God. He called everyone together. Your mother said we were going to witness something incredible. Something divine.” Anne shuddered. “I knew something was wrong when I walked into The Sun Sanctuary and David was there already. With Pastor.”

  Tears dripped down her face. “Pastor said God was calling David home. That we were all there to watch him ascend,” she whispered before collapsing onto the floor.

  I knew then what was happening.

  This was my fault. This was because I had defied Pastor.

  And then I was running.

  After Bastian.

  Towards the end of the world as we knew it.

  The Sun Sanctuary was dark except for the flickering glow of candles that could be seen through the windows.

  The silence was eerie. Not comforting as I normally found it.

  “Bastian!” I cried out. I could see him ahead of me. He wouldn’t slow down. I had a stitch in my side but I kept going, trying to catch up with him.

  “Bastian!”

  He got to the door, pulling it open and going inside.

  No. No. No.

  I got to the door a few seconds later and pulled on the handle. It was locked. Barring me entry.

  I pulled and pulled but it didn’t give.

  I pounded on the thick wood, the palms of my hands tingling and red from the assault.

  No one would let me inside.

  I ran around the side, trying the windows, but they were all firmly latched. I peered through the panes of glass, trying to make out what was going on.

  I could see shadows. Movement. Figures gathered in a circle. The incandescent light of the dozen candles made it difficult to see anything.

  I could make out Pastor Carter in the front. Directly beneath the wooden cross that adorned the wall. His arms outstretched. His followers on their knees. Heads bowed in prayer.

  “Where’s Bastian?” Anne appeared beside me, her face frantic. Her eyes bloodshot.

  “He’s inside. I can’t get in. The door’s locked,” I said. I turned to look at her. “What’s going on? Why would they lock the door?”

  “It’s The Awakening, Sara. We always knew, deep down, what that meant.” Anne covered her face with her hands. “It’s David’s Awakening. God, we’ve been such idiots.”

  I pulled her hands down. “Anne, what are you talking about?”

  Anne sneered. An ugly expression that took me aback. “He’s not content with our money. Our free will. He wants our lives too.”

  “What do you mean?” I whispered. Softly. As if the sound of my voice would make all this real.

  It couldn’t be real.

  How much more horrible could it possibly get?

  Before Anne could answer me, there was an awful noise. The kind that came from the depths of your soul. It ravaged. It destroyed.

  “No!”

  The scream pierced my heart and I knew what had happened. I couldn’t deny it any longer. I knew.

  I felt it then. The final shift. Like an earthquake.

  Like the apocalypse.

  I waited helplessly outside listening to the cacophony of pain. The rise and fall of misery that came in waves. Bastian’s cries. His endless, tormenting cries.

  And then total and complete quiet.

  I took a breath. A shuddering, throbbing breath.

  It was almost over…

  I closed my eyes and wished for the sun. It had always been my comfort. Reliable. But there was only darkness. Pitch black night that went on and on.

  “No!”

  This time the cry came from Anne beside me. The subtle scent of wildflowers that always lingered when she was nearby would forever remind me of this night. Of this terrible, terrible night.

  “Anne—” I reached out for my best friend. I wanted to console her. But, how could I?

  This was all my fault…

  She pushed away my hands. Refusing to let me touch her. Backing away as if I were poison, she turned and she ran. As I had wanted to. Off into the dead night. I could hear her sobs and longed to go after her. Yet she never looked back. She didn’t want my help. My comfort.

  Our link had fragmented.

  That realization squeezed and contorted my insides. My heart. It shifted and strained into something unrecognizable.

  In that moment, I was filled with an awful self-loathing. I couldn’t have stopped it. Not really. This was part of Pastor Carter’s ultimate plan. I could see that now.

  Anne was right. He wasn’t content with us giving up our pasts. He wanted our lives as well. It was the least we could give him. After we had followed him this far.

  We were all such delusional fools.

  But perhaps if I hadn’t rejected Pastor’s marriage, David would have been safe from this twisted plan…

  No. Pastor Carter would never have stopped until we had sacrificed everything.

  I knew then what true evil looked like.

  Poor David. He had only wanted a purpose. A place to belong. And Pastor had warped it until it became perverse and distorted. Until it fed his need for total dominance over us all.

  The ruined man that had arrived over a month ago had been set on a course toward destruction. He had come to The Retreat wanting the lies Pastor fed him. His heart was clouded by promises that would never materialize.

  It’s my fault…

  It’s not my fault…

  Which was it?

  A little of both perhaps.

  I shivered at the mem
ory of Pastor Carter’s anger. In those seconds after my refusal he had looked like the worst kind of monster. And I had finally accepted what Bastian had been saying all along. This wasn’t normal. This wasn’t holy.

  And now David was “Awakened.”

  A sickeningly pretty word for dead.

  I threw up in the bushes. Heaved and heaved until I had nothing left inside.

  I was devoid of everything.

  Shattered and obliterated.

  This was my fault…

  This wasn’t my fault…

  A never-ending cycle.

  Why hadn’t I realized all this sooner?

  Then Bastian was there.

  The air stirred around me and he invaded my space. My comfort and my calm.

  Yet he wasn’t remotely calm. He was untethered and out of control. His eyes red and puffy. His complexion waxy. I could feel his rage. It tasted like a bitten tongue.

  “Did you know?” His question was a demand. It was an accusation. But at its center was quaking, overpowering fear.

  I shook my head, the words that would accompany my denial stuck in the back of my throat.

  I hadn’t known exactly what The Awakening was. I hadn’t known what Pastor planned for David. For all of us.

  I should have.

  But my disgrace was my own. I couldn’t let him carry that burden for me. Even though he would have taken it gladly.

  Not now.

  Not after David.

  Staring at the man I had come to love in all the ways that mattered, I couldn’t imagine him coming back from this. Healing seemed like some far-off concept.

  But there was steel in his bright, blue eyes. A tightness to his mouth. And I knew that he was stronger than anyone gave him credit for.

  Pastor Carter underestimated this man. He’d rue the day he did.

  Because Bastian Scott would burn this unbearable world to the ground and stand in the ashes.

  Bastian’s gaze cut through me. “You didn’t?” I knew he had to ask again. He had to be sure. A betrayal of that magnitude would never be forgiven. He had come to trust me. But this place had made a mockery of faith.

  The silence inside The Sun Sanctuary was louder than his voice. I hated it. I found no solace in the heavy presence of the other disciples. I resented their mute acceptance. How they could think David’s death was mandated by God.