"Hey," he said. "You alright?"
He didn't sound all that concerned so he obviously missed my near-meltdown. I wasn't alright, I felt like I was going to collapse in a ball and cry for hours but instead I nodded. Calm down. Push it away. I forced Dad out of my head and heightened the wall around my heart. Fuck feelings.
"What're you doing up so early?" I asked. I have got to get out of here soon.
"I went to sneak into your room but you weren't there."
"Oh. Well, give me a minute and I'll go back up." Walking out of his arms, I gave him a flirty smile over my shoulder and went back to my bedroom.
No less that ten seconds after I'd gotten back in bed Lucas came through the door, quietly shutting it behind him.
I gasped. "How dare you sneak into my room and break the house rules."
He rolled his eyes, smiling, and climbed onto the bed. I waited for a smart arse reply but it was clear that wasn't his next move when he kissed me, laying me down on the mattress. I preferred his plan.
His tongue slipped in my mouth and the kiss became a little more urgent. He pressed half of his weight down on me and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Being with him like this felt more than it had done with anyone else but I still felt like something was missing. That something was probably me, though.
"Lucas, I'm ready," I whispered against his lips.
He pulled back and rested on his arms. His blue eyes were filled with lust and uncertainty. "I don't think you are, Tegan. You might want it right now but I think you'll regret it after. I'm not taking that risk, I can wait."
"You're so sweet, you know." I wasn't not ready for sex, especially not with my track record, but perhaps he was right and I didn't want to rush yet another thing with him.
I ran my finger along the edge of his jaw and bit my lip. "Just because we're not gonna have sex doesn't mean we can't fool around a little."
His eyes darkened. "Really?"
I nodded and pulled his head down so I could kiss him. He was back into it in an instant, tongue wrestling mine and hand wandering down, caressing my sides as he headed for the ultimate goal.
My body was on fire. I was so definitely ready for fooling around. Lucas's hand reached my pyjama shorts and I gasped as he lightly brushed his knuckles between my legs. I arched my hips, needing more friction and moaned his name into his mouth.
When his hand dipped under my shorts I thought my heart was going to stop altogether. I was so turned on, so needy, that all I wanted was for him to get me off, like right now.
He kissed me harder and slipped his finger inside. His tongue moved quicker against mine as he swirled his finger around inside me. I arched my hips, meeting him thrust for thrust. My fingernails clawed the fabric covering his back as he took me higher and higher.
He added a second finger and I bit down on his lip as I fell apart, clamping around him as I climaxed. "Shit," he murmured against my mouth once the aftershocks of my orgasm had worn off. "I've wanted to do that for a while."
I'd wanted him to do that for a while.
My chest heaved and I groaned at the loss of him as he pulled out and sat up.
"You can do that anytime you like," I said. Smirking, Lucas got off the bed and rearranged his erection so it was less obvious. "What're you doing?" He was off the bed. Shouldn't he be taking his jeans off?
"Going back to my room before we're caught."
"What? But I haven't even played with you yet."
He laughed and shook his head. "Plenty of time for that, shorty. You can owe me one."
Smug bastard wasn't getting anything from me. I narrowed my eyes as he laughed again and left.
Lucas was sitting in the lounge drinking coffee with everyone else when I walked in after my shower. I sat next to him, making sure he saw me glare at least once.
"You still want me to come with you today?" he asked, trying not to smile.
No.
I didn't want to go to Dad's grave at all, not ever, but I had to do it. I swallowed what felt like sand or broken glass. "Yeah, if you don't mind."
He leant down and kissed the side of my head. "Of course not, babe."
How was I going to visit his grave when I almost fell apart in the fucking music room this morning? But, apparently, I was never going to get 'better' if I didn't try. Personally, I didn't think there was anything wrong with continuing how I was; I didn't hurt nearly as much as Mum and Ava did.
***
I stared down at my dad's headstone and held on to Lucas's hand as tightly as I could. It was warm but I felt icy cold and I was trembling. Lucas watched me and although I couldn't focus on anything but a lump of stone with Dad's name carved into it, I knew he was contemplating picking me up and taking me home.
I felt nothing real. There was just a cold numbness that I was growing used to.
"Tegan?" Lucas said. He sounded far away.
I looked up. "Please take me home now, Luke."
Frowning, he nodded. I could see the questions in his eyes. He wanted to know why I was an emotionless robot. "Alright, come on."
We drove back to my house in silence but it wasn't awkward. I could feel his mind working, trying to figure out what was going on with me and how he could fix it. I appreciated it but there wasn't a magical fix. If there was I would've taken it long ago.
On the way back my phone beeped with a text and I was glad to have a distraction.
Kai had written: 'Party at mine tomorrow. You in?'
I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. Well, I was, but I probably shouldn't want to go, not after what he said to Lucas. But I had a feeling there was more to it than what Lucas told me. Kai wasn't a bad person.
'Count me in.' I tapped back and put my phone away.
Lucas reached over and took my hand in his. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied.
We got back to mine and Mum immediately started quizzing me on how it went. I told her it was fine and she pushed harder, not believing that I was okay.
"Mum, I'm alright but I don't wanna talk about it." Taking a step back as if I'd burned her, she looked away. Fuck sake! Gritting my teeth, I walked off. I repeated in my head she's only trying to help but it did little to stop my mood plummeting. She seemed to flip the switch in me so quickly.
Lucas followed me upstairs but wisely said nothing. We watched a couple films until Mum called us down for dinner. Walking ahead to talk to his dad and brother, Lucas entered the kitchen before me. I took a detour and opened the music room doors.
My insides twisted up as I remembered the last time we played the piano together. It was the day he died and he was helping me practice for my exam. I walked deeper into the room and the closer I got to the piano the thinner the air became.
I felt myself sink to the floor, sink deeper into the water, and when I hit the ground I curled my arms around my legs.
I felt the first sob right down in my gut. I missed him so much I felt like I couldn't breathe. A fog of black smoke engulfed me and all I could focus on was the gaping void where Dad used to be and the pain of knowing I had to do it all without him now.
"Why did you leave me?" I whispered angrily and gave in to the grief, sobbing until my throat was raw.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Tegan
My head was banging and it wasn't even from alcohol. Crying until I fell asleep for the entire night really made me feel like shit and not just physically.
It was only bloody six in the morning. Why the hell was that the time my body decided to wake now? Lucas was asleep beside me. After he found me crying my heart out on the music room floor he carried me up to bed. I guess Mum relaxed the no-boyfriends-in-your-room-overnight rule this time.
I carefully got out of bed, not wanting to wake him and have to convince him I was okay just yet, and went downstairs and curled up on the sofa. Me and Dad always got up early - not six early, granted - and would either watch rubbish morning TV or play the piano quietly.
I took a few
deep breaths. Keep it together. There was no way I wanted to feel the way I did last night. I didn't know how Mum and Ava allowed themselves to go through that every single day. I was done.
Grabbing my phone, I sent Kai a text. I still needed to talk to him about Lucas and hanging out with him would take my mind off everything.
'What time tonight?' I text.
His reply took a couple minutes. '6. What the fuck time are you texting me at!'
Oops. It was early. 'Sorry. Couldn't sleep.'
'You're on drink duty for that. Lucas coming?'
'No he's going home today.'
'Cool, I'll pick you up at 7.'
It started at eight. Unless he was really serious about me being on drink duty and I'd be helping set everything up. Also, Lucas leaving wasn't 'cool'.
I felt slightly better that I was doing something, getting out of the house, tonight. I felt like I'd been run over. I was emotionally drained and needed to not think. Vodka would also help.
But how did I tell Lucas? He wouldn't be happy about it. Not that he had a right to tell me what to do and I didn't have to feel like I should obey him, but I didn't want to piss him off or make him feel insecure.
"Morning, honey," Mum said and sat beside me.
I tried so hard to smile but I just didn't have the energy. "Morning."
"How're you feeling today?"
"I'm alright."
Lie, lie, lie.
"Do you want a coffee? I know I could do with one."
"Please, Mum."
It was another hour before anyone else got up and Mum started making bacon sandwiches for breakfast. Me and Lucas spent the rest of the time in my room, not fooling around, until he had to leave.
"What are you doing on Saturday?" he asked as he finished packing his bag.
"Nothing. Why?"
"I'm racing again. You want to come watch?"
I smiled half-heartedly. "Yeah, I'll come, but I can't guarantee I'll be watching."
He chuckled and winked. "I'm not going to get hurt."
"You better not. I kinda like you."
"You only kinda like me?"
"Yes, only a bit."
"Thanks," he replied sarcastically. I giggled, fell forwards into his arms and kissed him. He slipped his tongue in my mouth, making my body heat up. I was so ready for a repeat of yesterday.
His head wasn't in the gutter with mine as he pulled back and picked up his bag. "I'm gonna miss you, babe."
"Me, too," I replied. I followed behind, feeling deflated that he was leaving. At least I had tonight to look forward to.
Jake bundled their bags into the boot and Grace helped her dad into the car, even though he was fully capable of doing it himself. I got that they needed to make sure he was okay, though.
I flopped my head forwards on Lucas's chest and he kissed my hair. "I'll be back Friday night to take you out and I'll see you again on Saturday," he said.
"Where are we going on Friday?"
"Don't start that again."
I pouted.
"Hey, I..." Taking a deep breath, he said, "I know this has all been fast and we're probably one of the most unlikely couples but... I... I love you, Tegan."
I blinked in surprise. He what? My first thought was why? What was there about me that he could possibly love? I didn't want to love again but there was something about him, something that made me feel like I was worth something. But it also made me question his sanity at the same time.
If Lucas could love me then surely I wasn't that evil, or there was something redeemable in me. He made my heart ache in a good way for the first time since my dad died. If he was willing to put everything into us then so was I. "I love you, too."
Grinning from ear to ear he kissed me.
"God, I am so glad you said it back. That was pretty terrifying."
"Of course I did," I replied.
"Lucas, come on," Jake yelled from Luke's car. Sighing, he gave me another kiss and walked away mouthing I love you.
"You okay, Tegan?" Ava asked as she slung her arm over my shoulder as they drove off out of sight.
"Yeah, I'm good." At least I think I was. That moment with Lucas was so surreal and I wasn't completely sure I believed him. "I need to get ready for tonight."
Mum and Ava looked at each other worriedly, then turned back to me. "You're going out tonight?" Mum asked quietly.
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but don't worry, it's not like before. I just want to have fun with my friends. The past couple days have been kinda hard," I replied while looking at the floor, willing myself to keep it together. I was tired of crying so much and I'd only done it for a day.
"Okay," she replied. There was not one part of her that was okay with it but she still didn't say a word.
At half six, Sophie came over so we could do our make-up together and have some pre-party drinks. She frowned into the mirror, her auburn eyebrows knitting together. "It's too revealing, isn't it?" she asked, turning her body from side to side and staring at her chest.
"No, Soph, you look good." There was definite cleavage but it didn't look bad.
She turned around and wolf whistled. "Very hot, Tegan! You on the pull tonight?"
I slapped her arm. "No, I have a boyfriend, remember?"
"He doesn't have to know."
"Stop being a ho, I'm not going to cheat on him."
She rolled her grey eyes. "Monogamy is overrated." It had only been overrated since her ex boyfriend cheated on her. She was thirteen at the time and he kissed the new kid. Since then Sophie had a love/hate relationship with guys. One that saw her screwing whoever she wanted and telling them to do one after. Now she had a bit of a name for herself but she wasn't the whore people thought she was, people rarely were as bad as others judged them to be.
Kai called at seven to say he was just down the road. Understandably, he didn't want to come knock on the door through fear of my mother going psycho again. I took one last shot of vodka, winced as it burned its way down, and headed out to Kai's car.
"Evening," Kai said with a cheeky grin on his face.
"Good evening, gorgeous," Sophie purred. Well, she waited three seconds. New record, ladies and gentlemen.
Kai grinned at her but I could feel his resistance. He'd mentioned in passing that he wasn't into easy women anymore. Fuck knows why he went for me then, I didn't exactly make it difficult when we met. Whatever his reasons, slow couple of months maybe, I was glad. I liked having his friendship.
I sat back against the passenger seat and felt relaxed, properly relaxed, for the first time in days. There were no expectations with Kai and he didn't try to dig deep to find out what was wrong and fix me. I appreciated that more than I could ever express.
Kai pulled into his drive and we went inside. "What do you need us to do?" I asked.
Sophie frowned. "Us?"
"Yes, you're helping, too!"
"Sophie, you can move the end table into the corner to make room for the speaker. Freddie'll be here in a minute so watch out for him."
"Is Freddie hot?"
Kai blinked, his dark lashes fanned out over his eyes. "Well, I don't think so..."
"Yes, he is," I said, even though I had no idea who he was. We'd be here forever if I didn't just tell her what she wanted to hear.
"Perfect." She clapped her hands and put her bag down, ready to get to work.
"You can help me with drinks," Kai said, leading us through to the kitchen.
"Can I talk to you about something?" I asked once Sophie was distracted, watching out of the window for her 'hot' man.
He looked over his shoulder as he pulled bottles and bottles of alcohol out of the cupboard. "Sure."
"It's about what you said to Lucas at the pub."
He stilled and then stood up. "Yeah, look, I'm sorry."
"Why did you say it?"
He ran his hand through his jet-black hair. "I don't know. He was being cocky and then I was a dick. Men do that shit, right?"
B
eing cocky meant he'd told Kai that we were together and possibly told him to back off. I wanted to ask what Lucas had done but I didn't want to drag it out and make it into a big thing, as long as it was done and I was okay with both of them I was happy.
"That's all it was? Nothing else to it?"
"I know the score between us if that's what you're asking. He mouthed off and so did I. Don't worry, it's done."
"Good, because I really want you in my life."
"Back atcha, princess. Now, want a shot before the party wankers drink my house dry?"
Laughing, I threw my bag to the side and nodded.
About an hour later, the party was in full swing and I'd just received a text from Lucas. 'I'm bored as hell! What you doing? I miss you.'
He didn't know I was here. I'd chickened out earlier and didn't mention anything. But I couldn't lie to him now so I replied, 'I'm at Kai's party with Sophie. Miss you too.'
The with Sophie part was incredibly important. Not that it should be, he hung out with friends of the opposite sex. I mean, as far as I knew he'd never slept with any of them but that didn't matter, the physical part of my relationship with Kai was over.
'Okay, I'll leave you to it. Have fun & I'll call you later.'
I wasn't entirely sure how to take that so I decided to take it at face value and believe that he was okay and genuinely wanted me to have fun. He said he trusted me, I'd not given him a reason not to and I wasn't going to either.
"You okay?" Kai asked as he sat down and handed me a beer.
"Thanks. Yeah, I'm good."
"Sophie's looking for you."
I groaned. "Any idea what she wants?"
His big, schoolboy grin told me he did but he shook his head anyway. Groaning again, I went to find her. It didn't take long, she was on the sofa, pouting.
"What's up?" I asked, flopping down next to her.
"What do you think of him?" she asked, pointing to a guy talking to a girl by the window.
"He's nice." But he's already talking to a girl.
She scrunched her nose up and proceeded to quiz me on the hotness of every other male in the room. "Yeah, he's nice but nowhere near as hot as Lucas or Kai."
"Hey, hands off." I warned, laughing. She just said it to wind me up anyway, I shouldn't have taken the bait.
She raised her eyebrows. "Which one?"
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