by Eric Ugland
I had to pull myself out from under the big dude, but he was dead. You know, for the moment.
Now free, I tried to suss out what was happening around the camp. Tarryn was raining hell down on Extra-Hand, but Extra-Hand just charged through the flames.
I took a big breath in, feeling my chest complaining as it really just wanted to let my lungs collapse. Then I sprinted, seeing that Extra-Hand was going to get to Tarryn before Tarryn crisped up Extra-Hand.
My legs pumping, my chest burning, I did my very best dirty football trick: tackling super low and taking out Extra-Hand at the knees. Bonus, I heard that telltale snap of an ACL tear.
Extra-Hands went down hard, a plume of dust around him. And also smoke.
I happened to be on fire as well. I recommend never being on fire; it’s pretty much the worst thing ever. And it ruins your hair.
I rolled around to put the fire out, and felt a great splash of water all over me. It was gloriously cool.
I sputtered some of the water out and wiped my face while I got to my knees.
Steaming in the night air, I glanced around to see a relative stillness. Sure, people were running out of the longhouse to see what was going on, and there was some screaming happening, but all the trolls were down. Ragnar had just doused Wartface in an oil of some kind and lit him up. So all four trolls were barbecuing right nice, and, well, they smelled a whole lot better cooked than they did raw.
Nikolai walked over and looked down at me.
“You’re gonna need a bigger gate,” I said.
Chapter Twenty
I learned some interesting facts about trolls while cleaning up after the attack. One, trolls are quite flammable. Well, troll flesh is. As well as the other parts of their body. Hair, nails, claws, that sort of thing. Second, troll blood is actually remarkably good at helping soil grow. To a slightly ridiculous degree. Anywhere the trolls had bled and hadn’t been touched by fire, vegetation was already growing at an almost absurd rate. A little sapling that had been barely peeking out of the ground was now waist high, with a remarkable profusion of pine needles. The ground that was largely dirt and pine needles was now getting a hearty covering of verdant grass. I pulled out the troll hand I had in my bag and squeezed it to get the blood out, pouring it around to spell out ‘Coggeshall’ in the grass. Can’t say it was my best attempt at penmanship, but it made me giggle.
That’s when I noticed that there was substantially more of the troll than just the hand I’d cut off. A goodly part of something along the lines of a forearm was now attached to the hand, and as I stood there, I could watch the progress of the regeneration happening.
I was torn.
This could be huge, a great revolution in gardening and farming. Just keep hacking bits off the troll arm and pour the troll blood over everything. This little town of Coggeshall was going to be overflowing with oversized produce. Our food worries were over.
“I know what you are thinking,” came a voice from behind me. The pedantic tone and implied disappointment meant it could only be Nikolai.
“That it’s time to take over the world?” I asked.
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“There is a reason troll blood is not used as fertilizer.”
“Because it’d ruin the world’s economy?”
“It very well might, though not quite in the manner you’re imagining.”
Nikolai watched the blood dripping from the arm even as the arm had grown an elbow.
“Can you tell me what that manner might be?”
“Trolls. Troll blood also grows trolls.”
“What?”
“Enough troll blood in the soil, and eventually a troll will dig free. Enough troll blood pooled anywhere will get you a troll. Where do you think trolls come from?”
“Um, when a mommy troll and a daddy troll really love each other—”
“They are genderless.”
“Oh. Are you sure?”
“Would you like to take another close up view of the bodies?”
“No thanks. I’ve had enough of that for the present.”
“Then perhaps we should look into some deeper cleaning.”
“Fire?” I asked.
“That is usually the method of choice.”
Tarryn was already walking over to me, and I could almost feel the fire magic coming off him.
“Is there any use for, like, powdered troll blood?” I asked.
“I am scared wondering what it is that made you tempted to ask that question.”
“I was thinking about Mercy, and her skills. She can purify water, right?”
“I assume that is among her abilities.”
“Can she just take all the water out of the troll blood and leave the other stuff behind? That’d be dried troll blood.”
“An intriguing idea, but not one I believe there is a—”
“Mercy!” I shouted.
“Duke Coggeshall,” Nikolai said.
“How’d I fuck up?”
“Burn the blood. Perhaps it is worth something, but it might also be dangerous. Have you considered it could cause trolls to be formed any time it comes in contact with liquid? Spill it in the river, and you might spawn an unending horde of trolls.”
“Why aren’t there more hordes of trolls?”
“Because trolls are not yet smart enough to understand their own procreation. At least, that is my hope.”
Mercy came jogging over.
“You bellowed, my lord?” she asked, eyes proclaiming her desire to sleep.
“I did,” I said. “I was going to suggest an experiment, but Nikolai here pointed out the, uh, well, some issues I hadn’t really imagined, so, yeah. I called you over here for nothing, and for that I apologize.”
My apology garnered a harsh glare from Mercy, which was nice in a way because she’d been so damn meek up to now.
“Then I suppose I shall return to bed,” she said. “My lord.”
I gave her a smile, but didn’t get one in return as she stalked off towards the longhouse.
Instead of the cool experiment, we burned the blood. And the head of the troll that had been in the bag. The arm managed to regrow almost to the shoulder before I chucked it into the fire.
I escorted Tarryn into the area outside the walls where the fighting had taken place, and he started burning all the blood we could find. It was a good thing, because there were definitely some suspicious lumps on the ground. I didn’t get close enough to see if they were miniature trolls, but I hadn’t seen anything like them before and they seemed to be getting bigger faster than I was comfortable with.
The world I lived in was weird. At every intersection, it just seemed to get more bizarre. A creature that procreated through regeneration? That’s madness. It was a minor miracle they hadn’t taken over the world. And what happened if troll blood was mixed with, well, any other blood? Could a troll grow inside me? Putting aside the myriad pregnancy jokes I wanted to make as I thought through that, the potential truth horrified me. But trying to get Tarryn to talk about anything was pointless. He was wholly absorbed in his task. And it seemed to be draining him of any energy.
By the time we’d cleansed the area to the satisfaction of Nikolai and Tarryn, the sun was coming over the mountains. Morning had come once again to the sleepy little valley. I had to help Tarryn back to his bedroll in the longhouse because he wasn’t exactly able to walk any longer.
Chapter Twenty-One
Given the excitement, it didn’t surprise me that work got off to a rather slow start that morning. Nikolai gathered up everyone he could following breakfast, and got them to start on the gates. More than a bit of repair needed to happen after what the trolls did to the walls, but Nikolai figured that’d be an hour at most. Lee had his team wrapping up the smithy. Lanfrank was getting the second house up, with hopes that they could get some of the third up as well. Nathalie had her guards sparring and doing some physical activity, and the rest of the Home Team
had their own activities planned. Fixing meals, preparing foods. In a sense, it felt like things were starting to gel, that we were becoming an actual community.
Tarryn was still asleep, but Mercy and Essie were up working on the treasury and the in-mountain plans. I walked in that direction, thinking I’d check things out, see how it all functioned. I’d popped out a bunch more prinkies to replace the ones who had, well, sparkled their last, and the new prinkies had done a stellar job unpacking the stone blocks from the mine, and they were following me at a not-so-discrete distance, ready for something else to do. And without me even realizing it, I had Eliza walking next to me too.
“Taking on a troll by yourself is quite the feat,” she said. “But four? Are you trying to show off for someone?”
She had a wry smile on her face, but I just shook my head in response.
“Lot of people to keep safe,” I said. “And I’m unfortunately good at killing things.”
“Not sure I would agree it is unfortunate. My lady-in-waiting was saddling my horse in case the trolls breached the walls.”
“Going to run for it?”
With a shake of her head, she said, “While she may have wished for me to run, that is not who I am. For good or bad, I have agreed to be part of this community, and I would have stayed to fight.”
“Can you fight?” I asked, eyeing her swishy blue dress. It seemed too tight in the upper body for easy movement, and too voluminous on the bottom for, well, any movement.
“I have trained with the blade,” she replied, “but I dare say I am nowhere near your level. Nor even the level of most of our guards.”
“Well, I admire your honesty.”
“Thank you, my lord.”
The hole cut in the mountain had been cleaned up some, likely Essie doing a little molding of the rock. The edges were a little softer, and I could see indentations for mounting hinges and a door. The inside was lit by glowing rocks mounted in the ceiling.
“What is this to be?” Eliza asked, taking a tentative step inside the tunnel-like hallway.
“This is our fallback point,” I replied. “And some other things. We’ll have a barracks here, at least for the time being. Who knows if it will remain? There’ll be a safe room in case the trolls do manage to squish me. Then hopefully we can sound an alarm and everyone runs in here, we shut a big fuck-off door, and then we wait until the cavalry comes.”
“What cavalry is that?”
“Oh right — it’s just a phrase from back home.”
“Ah. Yes. Your home far away. To the east was it?”
“And north.”
“East and North.”
“And the treasury is going to be back in here.”
“Are you going to place all your governmental structures in the mountain here?”
“Not exactly sure what you mean by that, but I might.”
“There are certain buildings and structures required to get the most out of a settlement. Or, in your case, a dukedom.”
“Like what?”
“As a noble, at a bare minimum you need to have a great hall and a throne room. The great hall is where you will throw banquets, and the throne room offers your followers a place where they may come and address you.”
“Seems like a lot.”
“It is. Were this just a holding, you could have gotten away with simply having a nice enough home and calling that a manor house. With this, I believe you will need to have an entire castle. Anything larger would require a castle and a palace.”
“Do I need something like a city hall?”
“If you wish to establish a town of any kind, you will need a building in which to run the town. The larger the town, the more individual rooms you require. At this level, merely a hall of some kind would suffice. Larger, and you might require a basilica. If you allow your followers to engage their own government, then a gathering hall must be inside, large enough to accommodate the entire population of the town—”
“Would the great hall fulfill that?”
“I doubt it.”
“And if I didn’t want them to have a government of their own?”
“You will need a baronage.”
“And to appoint a baron?”
“Yes, though you can merely appoint yourself as baron.”
“Convenient.”
“Perhaps.”
“Would the great hall count then?”
“I suppose it would. But if you construct additional towns, you would need a basilica or hall in each of them.”
“Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Building this basilica will give me more stats on the holding?”
“It should. Please understand this is just what I have been taught. I am not an expert on this, just—”
“I understand, Lady Northwoods. We’re muddling through this together. Hell, you're the only one who knows anything about this nonsense, so even if you don’t know much, you’re leagues better than anyone else who is talking to me.”
We walked into the mountain, which was unsettling. It just didn’t seem right. The ceilings were very high, the walls intense. The light was unnatural. Still, it did have a real feeling of security. I knew I’d be able to hold the hallway indefinitely against any number of attackers provided I had a shield and a weapon.
We came to an intersection, and looking to the left, I could only see darkness. Forward, the tunnel continued south unabated. But to the right, the glowing stones were up on the ceiling, and there was a huge door. A door made out of the same granite as the mountain.
Essie leaned against the door.
“I need your hand,” she said.
I held it out to her, and she pushed it against the door.
She closed her eyes and started chanting something softly. Her hand glowed, and then my hand felt warm. Rune-looking things lifted up from the stone and seemed to settle on my hand for a moment before flowing down my arm and back into the stone.
There was a pulse of light in the door, and then stillness.
“The stone has been bonded to you,” Essie said.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“Only you may open the door.”
“Only me?”
“Currently.”
“What if I want others to have access?” I asked.
“I can add anyone you want.”
“Do you have access?”
“No. I suppose I could, but as you are my boss, I figured I should leave that alone. Now, if you’ll excuse me, making this stupid room has completely drained my mana pool, so I’m going to go eat some food or vomit. Or both.”
She pushed past me and Eliza, keeping one hand on the wall to steady herself.
I put my hand on the door, and pulled.
Nothing.
I wondered.
Essie was the type to do something like this. Make a door that didn’t open. Or maybe she cast the spell incorrectly. Would you know if a spell like that misfired? Was there—
“I think you push,” Eliza said.
And what do you know, the door opened. Like it was nothing. It felt like it was floating. Which kind of bothered me. It’d be an added layer of security if only I was able to move the door. But then no one else could use the treasury. And I’d always have to come back to get a coin out when Nikolai needed one.
The inside was large, open, and dull. Grey rock everywhere. The shelves were rock. The ceiling was rock. There were a few of the glowing stones mounted in the ceiling, giving off a fairly annoying blue-white light — my builders had installed the Vuldranni equivalent of fluorescent lighting. Sure, it didn’t have that horrible hummmmmmmmm, but it wasn’t flattering in any way either.
“Should I give you leave, my lord?” Eliza said.
“Nah,” I said, “I’m not staying here right now. Do I claim this somehow?”
“As a treasury?”
“Yes.”
“Have you checked your notifications?”
I snapped my fingers and pointed at
her. “Good idea.”
A quick check of my notifications did indeed turn up a new building.
Congratulations, a structure has been added to your holding: Treasury.
“Cool,” I said.
“You get one?”
“I did. But it says I have nothing.”
She gestured at the shelves. “Seems accurate.”
I pulled a bag of gold from the unfillable knapsack and plopped the bag of coins on one of the shelves. It felt heavy, made a good clinking sound, I figured I had a ton of coins. So, I checked my holding status screen again.
Treasury
Current Value: Unknown
(Current Treasure: Unknown)
Current Contents: One bag of unidentified coins.
The smile that had been on my face vanished in an instant.
“What?” Eliza asked. She took a step towards me and put her hand on my arm.
“I have to count out the coins,” I said. “It’s just saying everything is unidentified. Uncounted.”
“Oh, a simple fix, my lord. You merely need to appoint a treasurer. Someone needs to be in charge of things for it to count towards your holding’s status anyway.”
I was not amused. This whole holding business was turning into a giant headache, and I had a very bad feeling it was one giant micromanagement cringefest. Hire a dude to do job A. Hire dude B to make sure job A is done. Dude C to count sprockets. Dude D to make sprockets. Dude E to find the stuff to make the sprockets. Dude F to FUCK OFF.
“I need to take a walk,” I said. “I don’t much like being underground like this.”
Not meaning to be rude, I stepped around Eliza and walked out of the treasury. I didn’t even bother to shut the door, I just marched right down the hallway and back into the sunlight outside. There was a gentle breeze coming off the mountains from the west, and it had a heady pine scent to it. I closed my eyes and just took a moment to myself.
When I opened them, I looked upon a sea of fuzzy faces staring at me.
“I live in a fucking muppet movie,” I said to no one in particular.