It was enough to get me started. I rented a small studio space and convinced Tanya to let me pay rent. The first time I held a paintbrush in my hand again, standing in my bright new studio, nerves fluttered in my belly. The brush felt heavy—but I swirled it into a glob of paint and felt my soul sing.
The numbness inside me faded away, and I could feel again. That first day, I painted right through the night—only stopping when the sun came up. In three days, I had a new piece. I stuck it up on my website for an exorbitant price—and it sold within two hours.
I couldn’t believe it.
Tanya was the only one I trusted, so she took on some management work for me. The first six weeks I spent stateside again, I did little else except eat, sleep, and paint.
And it felt good.
Something had changed in me while I was away. I’d spent almost seven months by myself—travelling, trying new foods, and having new experiences… and it had been fine.
I’d survived.
I’d been on my own, with no plan and no future, but it had worked out. For the first time in my life, I’d really, truly believed in myself. I hadn’t need someone else to hold my hand or support me.
And now? I felt the same. I realized I could paint and be respected as an artist all on my own—because I was good at it.
Saying those words was a revelation. I was an artist, and I was good.
I even allowed myself to think of Freddy. As cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason, and I could see that in my life, too.
Freddy had come back into my life and brought everything to a head. All the corruption and sickness buried deep in my heart had bubbled up to the surface, and I’d been able to get it out.
It sucked, and it hurt, but I could feel myself healing.
Standing on my own two feet, I survived.
I even spoke to my father for the first time in years, ready to try to have a relationship with him. I wasn’t the weak little girl that he’d thrown out, and he seemed to have mellowed with age.
Tentatively, I met him and my mother for coffee, and then lunch, and finally a dinner back at the family home. All at my own pace, all within my own boundaries, and all because I owed it to myself to do it on my own terms.
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t scrambling, or begging for scraps of someone’s attention. I didn’t need it. I had myself.
But sometimes, late at night, in the stillness of my bedroom, I thought there was something missing. I found myself thinking of Freddy—of that breathless exhilaration that he’d inspired in me. I braced myself for the pain that always appeared whenever I thought of him, but it never came. The only thing I felt was a faraway kind of longing.
When September rolled around again – a year from when Freddy had first reappeared in my life—Tanya organized a brand-new gallery opening for me.
This was the first true exhibition I’d had since I was back—I wasn’t as nervous as I had been the year before.
This was what I did. I was an artist. I painted.
And I was good.
32
Freddy
My palms were sweaty and my shirt collar strangled me. My shoes were so heavy they felt like they were made of lead. Everything in my body told me to turn around and walk away.
Everything—except my heart.
I was drawn to that gallery opening, just as I’d been drawn inside the first one, almost exactly a year ago. This time, though, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew Hailey would be there, and I knew that if she was still mad at me, it would crush me for months.
But I’d get to see her, and that would be worth it.
I smoothed my hair down and took a deep breath before walking in. Clasping my hands behind my back, I scanned the gallery for any sign of Hailey. Not seeing her, I started walking around the room. The doors had only opened an hour earlier, but already most of the paintings had little sold stickers next to them. I smiled.
If anyone deserved success, it was her.
Then, the room got hotter and the air was pushed out of my lungs. Hailey walked in—late, as usual—wearing a deep, burgundy gown with a plunging neckline and a dazzling smile. A bolt of lightning passed through my heart and that little voice inside my head started screaming.
You’re not worthy. You should leave. You don’t deserve her.
That might have been true, but I could still watch her for a minute before I left.
Everything was brighter. The colors around me were all more vivid. All the noise around me dimmed and all I could see was her.
And then Hailey looked right back at me.
The force of her gaze almost knocked me back, and the only evidence that I was still alive was the thumping of my heart in my chest. I gulped.
Hailey floated toward me. I watched her move like a goddess as she cross the gallery floor. Her cheeks turned pink and she stopped, barely a foot away from me.
“My dad told me what you did,” she said.
I frowned.
“With the money.”
“Oh,” I said. “Yeah. Long time coming. He didn’t take it.”
“No,” Hailey laughed. “He’s too proud. He’d never take your money.”
We stared at each other. “How was your trip?” I asked, as if we were old friends catching up. As if my entire universe didn’t hang on her smile.
“It was good. I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“Is it okay that I came?” My voice squeaked.
Hailey smiled, and my heart sang. “Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, it’s fine.”
I opened my mouth to say more, but the music died down. I heard someone tapping on a microphone. Hailey and I turned toward the noise, and her beautiful smile widened at the sight of the woman with the microphone in the center of the room.
“Thank you for coming tonight,” the woman said. “For those of you who don’t know, I’m Tanya—Hailey’s friend and manager.”
I glanced at Hailey as the woman kept talking. Hailey glowed with a strength I’d never seen in her before. I still felt that pull in the pit of my stomach for her, but I didn’t move toward her. The whole room was staring at her. This was her moment.
“… and I’ve just heard that, thanks to an anonymous donor, Georgetown University has endowed a scholarship in Hailey’s name.” There was surprised, delighted applause from across the gallery.
Hailey gasped.
I froze. ‘Anonymous’ didn’t seem so anonymous now. Hailey breathed deeply, her eyes widening. She scanned the room as she walked toward the microphone, and I took the opportunity to slide toward the exit. Hailey was halfway through her speech when I made it to the door.
I chanced one last glance at her, and from across the gallery, our eyes locked.
Understanding suddenly flashed across her face—the moment before I ducked out of the door. I stepped into the cool, autumn breeze and was halfway down the block before I heard her voice calling from behind me.
“Freddy! Wait!”
I waved a hand and kept walking.
I didn’t know why I was running away. I didn’t want her to know that I was the one who’d started the scholarship fund at Georgetown. It was only small—not enough to put anyone through art school—but it still had her name on it.
I’d found a way to use the money John had given me to honor Hailey. It felt like the right thing to do with it—the only way to make it pure again.
But now, with Hailey chasing me out of her own art exhibition, I wasn’t so sure.
What if she thought I was being presumptuous? What if she still hated me? We’d been civil to each other in there, sure—but that didn’t mean she wanted anything else to do with me.
But then, her hand wrapped around my arm and I stopped.
I turned to look at Hailey, breathless. She didn’t hesitate—leaning in to brush her lips against my cheek before I could even think to stop her.
I inhaled vanilla and roses and everything I’d ruined. Everything I’d l
ost.
But then, her hand came to rest on my shoulder and my whole body was bathed in fire.
“Thank you,” Hailey said softly as she squeezed my arm. “You used the money that my dad had given you, didn’t you? The money he refused to take back?”
“You weren’t supposed to know.”
Hailey laughed, shaking her head. “That’s really sweet of you.”
“I’m sorry for everything, Hailey,” I stammered. “I’m sorry for leaving you in the gallery with your dad, and for putting you through everything with the Agency before that. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you again—but everything I did seemed to be the wrong thing.”
Hailey took a deep breath. Goosebumps spread over her arms and she rubbed her hands to sooth them. I took my jacket off and draped it over her shoulders.
She smiled. “Thanks. Smells like you.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“Yeah,” she laughed. “It’s a good thing.”
On that late September evening, under the glow of the streetlights, I knew my life would never be complete without her. Hailey stared at me as her eyes sparkled—and then she took a step closer to me and put her hand on my shoulder again.
It swept back to the nape of my neck as she pulled me into her.
Hailey kissed me—and my world was complete.
I tucked my arms under my jacket, draped over her shoulders, and my hands found her waist, her ass, her hips. I sank my fingers into her body and sighed as everything finally felt right again.
No one else had this effect on me. No one else could ever make me feel this way with just one look, one kiss.
Hailey pulled away, blushing. “Sorry,” she said. “I just wanted to kiss you.”
“Never apologize for kissing me. Does this mean you want…”
“I don’t know what it means,” she said with a wry smile. “It just means I wanted to kiss you.”
“Would you want to kiss me some more? Perhaps every day for the rest of your life?”
She laughed, the sound of it healing another hole in my heart. I laughed with her, leaning my forehead against hers. We swayed from side to side on the sidewalk, dancing to music that only we could hear. Eventually, she pulled away from me, smiling as she opened her mouth to say something.
Her smile turned to horror as I heard dragging footsteps behind me. I turned just in time to get punched square in the nose… again.
I stumbled back with a yell.
“Jayden!” Hailey screamed.
“Hands off her, dickhead,” the man said as he came at me. “Hailey is mine.” He smelled of stale beer and threw another heavy punch at my head.
This time, I was ready. I dodged it easily and hit him with a left hook. His jaw made an awful cracking noise and he stumbled to the side. Hailey screamed.
Jayden came stumbling toward me again, and once more I blocked him easily. I could sense Hailey’s panic, so I didn’t punch him this time. Instead, I used his momentum against him—grabbing Jayden’s hand and swinging it behind his back.
In a flash, he was on the ground—his hands pinned and my knee pressing down in the middle of his back.
“Eat dirt, asshole,” I snarled. “Come anywhere near Hailey again and I’ll fucking kill you.”
“Both of you, stop it,” Hailey said. I looked up to see her shaking. Her eyes flashed and I slowly lifted myself up off her ex.
Jayden stood up, wavering on his feet. “Hailey…”
“Jayden, we broke up a year ago. What are you doing here?”
“We belong together.” His voice was pitiful.
Hailey sighed. “No, we don’t. What is it with men tonight? Is it a full moon or something?”
Jayden whimpered, but Hailey just shook her head. I’ll admit it, even I felt sorry for him—and that’s after the fucker had just sucker punched me in the face.
Jayden gave Hailey big, puppy-dog eyes and I knew exactly how he felt. Losing Hailey was agony. But, to his credit, he turned around and walked away.
He gave me one last venomous look, but he said nothing else. A moment later, he stumbled around the corner and was gone.
Hailey put her hand on my arms and another on my chin, tilting my face to hers. Her eyebrows drew together. I probably looked like a mess. I could taste blood, and I knew my nose was gushing.
“I’ve got tissues in my pocket,” I said, gesturing to the jacket she still wore. Hailey found them and helped me mop up my face, shaking her head.
“Why did you go and do that, Freddy? Look at your face.”
“I thought he was coming at you. I wasn’t going to let anyone touch you.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Either that, or I’m in love.” I found her gaze. “Same thing, isn’t it?”
Epilogue
Hailey
When I brought Freddy to the hospital, the staff recognized him right away.
“Tripped again, did you?” The doctor arched his eyebrow.
Freddy groaned in response. When the doctor walked away, I stared at him.
“What did he mean, ‘tripped again’?”
“I may or may not have lunged at Gianni Russo the day after you left—and he may or may not have broken my nose.”
“Freddy!”
“At this rate, I’m going to be one ugly motherfucker. Protecting you is hard work.”
“Protecting me?” I scoffed. “Is that what you call it? When Gianni punched you, I was probably out of the country.”
“Protecting your honor, then.” He grinned.
I laughed, shaking my head. I hadn’t acknowledged the whole ‘love’ thing that Freddy had said before, but my heart hadn’t stopped thumping ever since Jayden had stumbled away. I’d rushed inside to tell Tanya I had to leave, grabbed my stuff, and then brought Freddy straight to the hospital.
It wasn’t exactly how I’d envisioned my first independent exhibition, but as Freddy and I settled into waiting room seats and he intertwined his fingers in mine, it still felt perfect.
I wasn’t mad at Freddy anymore. How could I be? I was in love with the man—and, as he said, being in love and being an idiot weren’t all too different from one another.
In our time apart, I’d done some thinking. I knew Freddy had walked away from my father to protect me. I knew he’d regretted taking my father’s money—but I’d never expected him to do something like start a scholarship in my name with it.
I guess we weren’t just stupid kids anymore.
Even as Jayden had stumbled up to us, I’d known that I loved Freddy. My ex had stank of booze and made an ass of himself—but in that moment, all I cared about was Freddy’s safety.
So, like I said, idiot.
But I was a happy idiot, waiting at the hospital for Freddy to get his nose fixed—again, apparently. We found out that because it had been broken once before, he’d need surgery this time or else risk having breathing problems in the future.
“Try not to trip so much,” the doctor warned him, unamused. Freddy just squeezed my hand as I rested my head on his shoulder.
Being so close to him made my heart thrum happily. I stayed at the hospital all night, throughout his surgery, and I brought him home the next day.
Tanya arched an eyebrow, but I ignored her—leading Freddy straight back to my bedroom to lay him down on my bed.
I heard the clattering of dog’s feet and the door close as Tanya took them out for an impromptu walk. I smiled, knowing she’d done it to give us some privacy.
I sat on the edge of the bed, pushing a strand of hair off Freddy’s forehead.
“How are you feeling?”
“Perfect.” His hand swept over my hip and I leaned into him, sighing. It felt good to be here with him. Resting my head against Freddy’s chest, I listened to his heartbeat and let him drift his hand back and forth on my bare arm.
Freddy reached up to my chin and brought his lips to mine. It was awkward with his splint, and I saw him wince as I accidentally touc
hed his nose with mine.
“Sorry.”
“I don’t care,” Freddy said. “You’re here—and I can hardly believe it.”
“Life sucked without you,” I heard myself say, breathless. His arms tightened around me and he kissed me again. After a long night at the hospital, we held each other and fell asleep together.
From then on, we didn’t spend a night apart. It was easy with Freddy. Now that I felt confident in myself and in my life, making myself vulnerable with him felt right.
We were both imperfect, but we were perfect for each other. I painted, and he worked. We found a little apartment that we both loved and moved in right before the holidays.
The first day in our new place, we made love like animals. I’d suspected Freddy had been holding back when we were living with Tanya, but now we were truly alone, it was obvious. He unleashed himself, and made me come over and over again, saying sweet and dirty things in my ear.
I wrapped myself around him, holding on tight to the only man who’d ever made me feel complete.
I didn’t need him anymore—not like I’d needed men before—but I wanted him. That was so much more powerful.
When we lay together in our new bedroom, staring at each other, there was such serene calm in my heart that I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.
“What?” Freddy asked, touching his now slightly bent nose to mine.
“I love you, is all.”
“I love you too, Hailey. Always have, always will.”
“Just stop getting your nose broken on my behalf.”
He grinned. “If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep.”
I giggled as he swept me up in his arms, holding me against his chest. I breathed in the scent of his skin and kissed the crook between his collarbone and his neck.
In his arms, I was happy, I was home, and I was whole.
His Word: A CIA Military Romance Page 16