“You’re smiling over there, what are you thinking about?”
She’d caught me reminiscing. I scrunched up my face at her. “Just thinking about all the good times at restaurants that we’ve had together.”
Cindy smiled at me too and reached over to briefly take my hand. “There have been a lot of them for sure. When you start dating again, I want you to bring them to all the places we’ve loved. Don’t think of them as our places. They’re good restaurants to take whoever you happen to be sharing a meal with.”
That was nice of her to say, but I had no idea where she was going with all this dating talk. “Are you trying to tell me something? What’s going on with you and this fascination with relationships tonight?”
Cindy took her time buttering her bread and dipping it into her red sauce and I knew something was up then. “I’ve...”
“Whatever it is, we can talk about it,” I assured her. She was starting to worry me. We’d always talked about everything. There was no reason to start hiding things from each other now.
With a sigh she put her bread down and focused on me again. “You’re right. I don’t know why this is so hard for me to say. I’ve met someone. Someone really special to me. Or, at least I think they could be special. It’s all really new right now but when we’re together...”
She had that same stupid grin on her face that I used to see when she would look at me, back when we were first in love. I was beyond happy for her. She’d dated since our divorce, but it wasn’t anything like this. Those were people she went to dinner and a movie with—this person, whoever they were, they meant a lot to her, and I loved that. I wanted that for her.
“Congratulations. What’s his name?”
Her smile faltered for a moment. “You can’t judge. If you say anything negative, it will really hurt me and I need your support in this because my family, those that know anyway, are not being supportive at all.”
She was starting to worry me. “Is he dangerous to you or Kyle?”
Cindy reached across the table and took my hands. I was surprised to see tears forming on her lashes. “God, I love that the first thing you think of is my safety and our kid. No, Gavin. Lyssa isn’t dangerous. Not to you or anyone else. But my family, they don’t get it. They don’t see a wonderful person when they see her. They don’t see her smile, or the way she holds me when we’re dancing together. They look at her and I think all they see, and this is horrible and I’m so glad she’s not here to hear me say this, but I think all my family sees in her is a man in a dress.”
“Then your family can go away. It’s your business if you want to date a trans woman. And, frankly, now I’m not so sure that I want our kid hanging out with your parents anytime soon. Not if they’re going to judge someone who obviously means so much to you. Why haven’t you mentioned her before now? Or brought her over for family game nights?” I was more upset that she’d apparently been hiding Lyssa from all of us on the farm rather than who she was dating.
Cindy got up and came to sit next to me instead of across from me like she had been. We dragged her food across the table too. “Here, I’ve got pictures, if you’re okay seeing them?”
“Naughty pictures?” I teased her.
By her blush I knew she did have pictures that I shouldn’t see. But she just shook her head with that same stupid grin on her face as she pulled out her phone and began showing me pictures of her and a woman in a long black dress.
“I want to meet her. I want to know who this important person to you is. We can do just dinner sometime if you want. Make it easier than meeting everyone in the family right away.”
Cindy leaned against me and softly sighed. “Sometimes I really love you. You want to meet my girlfriend. You’re really happy for me. I can hear it in your voice. I’m still dealing with the fact that I’m attracted to a woman, and that I really care about a woman, when I believed that I was straight, but you’re over here wanting to meet her. You haven’t asked any of those horrible questions that my parents did either. And I know you won’t.”
“Because they’re not my business,” I confirmed for her. I could guess what kinds of questions her parents had asked, and everything else they had said. I’d gone through something similar the first time they had found out I’d dated a man after Cindy and I had officially divorced. They’d been horrible about that too. “I’m serious, bring Lyssa over. Whenever you want.”
“I will. Thank you.”
I kissed her cheek, and then we were back to looking at pictures of her and her new girlfriend in between bites of our dinners.
“Does Kyle know about Lyssa yet?” I didn’t want to say anything to our son if Cindy was waiting for the right time to tell him that she was dating a woman.
Cindy pinched her lips together. “He knows I’m friends with someone who is trans. I wanted to get his reaction at least to that news first. But he doesn’t know I’m dating a woman. I’m not sure how to tell him that, or what his reaction will be. He knows that you’re bi, and he seems fine with that, but that’s old news. He knew that you were bi even when we were together. It’s not as if we ever hid that from him. But this is different.”
It wasn’t, though. “Just because you’re learning who you are later in life than I did doesn’t mean that our kid will understand any less. He’s smart. Give him a little credit. Do you want to come back to my place tonight? We could eat ice cream and watch a movie. You could tell Kyle about Lyssa. The guest room is still available.”
She laughed a little. “I would have thought you would have moved your yarn storage in there by now.”
“That’s what the shop’s for,” I reminded her.
Cindy bumped her shoulder against mine. “Sure. Ice cream, a movie, and coming out to our kid. It sounds like an interesting night.”
I was sure it would be too.
My house was completely out of the way for Cindy, but it was the house I’d had when we’d gotten together. We’d been married in the backyard. If the paramedics had been any slower getting to us out here in the country, Kyle might have been born in the living room. He nearly was.
She would always be welcome in my house. She’d always been my best friend, even though now we were divorced.
“I don’t know how to tell him,” Cindy said as we started to get out.
I wasn’t sure what to tell her. “Just say it. Kyle’s a good kid.” I didn’t have to tell her that. Our son was pretty amazing.
Cindy didn’t look as sure as I felt. I got that, though. It was a big step. She was coming to terms with who she was. I was proud of her, no matter what ended up happening between her and Lyssa.
She had her own key, for emergencies really, but I wasn’t ever going to ask her to give it back to me. I still opened the door for her. Kyle was in the kitchen, eating pasta. He could cook for himself, for the most part, but I didn’t consider penne with peanut butter on it to be dinner.
“That’s gross,” I told him.
He just shrugged. “I was trying something. It was supposed to be a peanut sauce. Like pad thai. It’s not great, but I figured I made it so I should eat it.”
I appreciated his dedication, but he didn’t need to try to force something down that he definitely wasn’t really enjoying. “Just order pizza. There’s cash in the jar, as always. But do it in a second, your mom has to tell you something.”
He went from eating to looking worried, in a heartbeat. He put his bowl down and came over to where Cindy stood beside me. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”
She took a deep breath and I rubbed her back, trying to offer her my support.
“No, honey, nothing’s wrong,” Cindy said. “I’m dating someone.”
Kyle nodded. “Lyssa? She stopped by the house last week while you were running late. She didn’t say anything really, but she asked me not to mention her coming over. She had flowers, though.”
I laughed. Cindy looked shocked. Kyle was already moving on
to the pizza menu.
“Told you,” I teased her.
She swatted me on my arm, and then things were better. We were family. We weren’t still married, but that was my best friend there, and my son, and after that we binged on ice cream while our son ate his pizza.
When the night was over, Cindy hugged us both and headed into the guest room. As soon as she was gone, I ruffled Kyle’s hair. “I’m proud of you, kiddo,” I said. I started cleaning up the dishes, the pizza box, and everything else that was left over from a really good night with my family.
“For what? I love my mom. What does it matter who she likes? Who she cares about?”
“You’re a good kid.”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m fifteen. Not really a kid anymore, Dad.”
I was so not ready for him to stop being a kid anymore. “Yeah, yeah. Get to bed. It’s late, and you’ve got school in the morning.”
Kyle groaned and headed to his room. Between my brothers and cousins, I had five guys I wanted to tell Cindy’s news to. They’d be happy for her too. But it wasn’t my news, and I wanted her to be able to tell them on her own. They’d been a big part of her life. That was how families were supposed to be, and mine might not have been the biggest by far, but we were always there for each other no matter what.
Chapter Five
Travis
Less than a week later I was back at the yarn store. I’d watched plenty of videos on how to knit online, and I liked the mechanics of it, and the feel of the yarn in my hands, but I was stuck on a few things. Everything had made sense at the shop, so that was where I went.
As I was pulling into the parking lot, I saw a familiar car parked in a spot directly in front of the store. I’d only seen the car a few times, but it stuck with me because that sleek sporty vehicle was the exact one that Dillon had picked Cal up in on their first date. At least the first one I’d known about.
I pursed my lips. Maybe it was someone else. Maybe, even if was Dillon, he just liked knitting. If he did, I would have sadly had to go find another yarn store. There were plenty of them around. Or at least there were plenty of craft stores around. Three of them, maybe. I sighed. I didn’t want the car to belong to Dillon, but as I got out of my truck I saw him standing in the store. He wasn’t shopping, though. He was sitting on the couch, talking to Gavin. I hesitated before going in, torn between leaving and going back home or simply going in and pretending that seeing my ex’s teenage boyfriend didn’t bother me.
But then Gavin saw me. He waved me inside. Leaving after that would have been rude, and I didn’t want to be rude to him. I grabbed up my ball of yarn and the knitting needles I’d bought from him earlier and headed inside. Gavin got up from the couch as I came in. I loved the smile he gave me, but it was Dillon’s confused frown that bothered me and made my stomach tight.
“Gav?” Dillon called to him.
“I needed some more help,” I explained, showing Gavin the very little I’d been able to get done on the scarf I was trying to work on. I looked to Dillon, then quickly away. Maybe he was just there to shop. Maybe they were just friends. I was only there to shop and learn. There was no reason to bring anything else into this store.
Gavin took my knitting from me and quietly looked it over. “Your tension could use some work, but overall it’s a good start. Come, sit down and join us. I’ll get you something to drink. This is my cousin, Dillon. Dillon, this is—”
“We’ve met,” I cut Gavin off. I wasn’t sure whether or not to stay at this point. Or whether or not to complain about just how small the world apparently was.
Gavin looked at me curiously. I looked to Dillon. I wasn’t sure how to introduce myself to Gavin now.
Thankfully Dillon did it for me. “Travis is Cal’s ex. The one who cheated.”
My cheeks grew hot at that bit of information, but it wasn’t like it was a secret. If I hadn’t, then Cal and I would have still been together. For a while, anyway. His job would have still be in the way, and I never really did trust him all that much while he was at work, but if Cal had just quit his job and stayed at home and let me take care of him like I had offered to do for years then we could have really been happy together. I was sure of it. I was an analyst. I made plenty. I could have made him happy.
Gavin looked to me for confirmation. I just nodded. “I am. I did.” I’d done it, and there was no reason to deny it. I’d screwed up. I knew that now. “Do you want me to go?”
Gavin shook his head. “There’s no reason for that. And I don’t know what the relationship between you two is like at the moment, but Dillon, this is my store, so if you’re going to start anything, I’d like to remind you of that right now.”
That wasn’t fair to him. “Dillon’s been nothing but nice to me,” I spoke up. Up until outing me to Gavin, but I knew I deserved it. And he hadn’t lied to Gavin. I’d always be Cal’s ex who cheated on him.
“And Travis is okay,” Dillon added as well.
I nodded to him, thanking him for extending that much for me. I appreciated his honesty and his understanding. In time, when the breakup didn’t hurt quite so much, maybe we could be friends. Or, at the very least, friendly.
Gavin sighed. He sounded relieved as he brought the three of us some tea and sat down beside me. The closeness was gone, however. He didn’t touch my hands to show me what I’d done wrong. He kept a few inches between us. I understood—after all, being close to the guy who was the ex of the man his cousin was currently dating was probably complicated enough.
Thankfully Dillon didn’t stay for long. He finished the magazine he’d been reading about sheep, then quietly left after promising to see Gavin on Saturday. I’d sat there in silence until he’d left.
“Small world,” Gavin said. He sipped his tea and ran his fingers over the yarn of my scarf.
“Too small sometimes,” I muttered.
Gavin smirked at that. “I was so mad at Cal for dating him. He’s thirty-eight, for crying out loud. And then I was mad at Dillon for dating Cal instead of anyone even remotely close to his own age. And then I was mad at myself, too, because far too often I throw Dillon into the same boat as my son. They’re both teenagers, but I can’t treat them the same. And the funny thing was that I promised myself that if you ever came back into my shop I was going to ask you out to dinner. My ex is dating someone new and I’m happy for her. I’m happy for them both. And that got me thinking about you and how I should take chances too.”
My stomach squeezed at that. “I understand why you wouldn’t want to go out with me now. It’s true. I did cheat. That’s a hard thing for a lot of people to move beyond.”
“It is. Do you regret it?”
“Absolutely. I loved Cal. I screwed up something that could have been great with him.” I didn’t miss the way that I said loved instead of love. Going to therapy so many times a week had taught me that love wasn’t supposed to be the jealous hurt mess that I’d made it into.
“Would you get back with him if he asked?”
A few months ago I would have said yes. But I was sure that would have been a mistake. And I was trying to move on and make less of those overall. “No. I was jealous, and I tried to be controlling. I didn’t ever trust him enough.”
Gavin nodded like he understood. Maybe he had his own problems in that department as well. “Do you think he ever cheated on you?”
I wasn’t sure if he was asking for my sake, or because Dillon was his cousin and he wanted to protect him if Cal was a cheater. Either way, my answer was the same. “I don’t know if he ever had sex with anyone besides me while we were dating. I’m pretty sure he didn’t, but it’s hard for me to believe he didn’t give into temptation. I do know that he kisses people he isn’t dating, and that it happens often as part of his work. I didn’t realize that until recently, though.”
“I was trying to find out more about him, and Gents, and really just trying to figure out who this guy my cousin was into actuall
y is, and I saw pictures of him kissing other strippers on the club’s website. I called Dillon as soon as I saw them and I expected him to get pissed, but he already knew, and didn’t care. He’s strangely laid back about things like that. Like you, I consider kissing to be cheating.”
That was something we had in common, at least.
“Did you love the guy you cheated on him with?” Gavin asked.
I was quick to shake my head. “I thought Cal was cheating on me, which he probably wasn’t, so I used a guy to get back at him. I wanted him to hurt like I was, to feel how I felt.”
Gavin pursed his lips. “I get it. Kind of. I mean, I did some pretty horrible things when Cindy and I were nearing our breaking point. I never cheated, but I said some things and did some things that I wish I could take back, and it took her a long time to forgive me for them. Maybe it’s kind of the same thing.”
Maybe it was. “I can go, if you want. I mean, there are other places I can get yarn, and I’m sure there are videos on YouTube and stuff. I can figure this out without you teaching me if you’d rather I not be here.”
Gavin got up and refilled his mug with fresh tea. “I don’t want you to go. This wasn’t what I expected to find out about you today, or any day really, but I don’t want you to go. I’ve barely dated since my divorce, and have you done any dating since the guy you were with?”
I looked up at him. He still hadn’t come to sit back down beside me. “I haven’t. For a while there I thought that Cal and I might get back together. I was still living with him for a few months after we broke up. But of course, that didn’t happen.”
“I wouldn’t say no to coffee, if you’re interested. It’s probably a bad idea being interested in the ex of the guy my cousin is dating, but if you’ve learned your lesson about cheating, which it seems like you probably have, then coffee could be good,” Gavin said.
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