‘Indeed, I’m not accustomed to being in such a confined space with a half-dressed man.’
Why in heavens had she spoken so breathlessly? Honestly, could she behave more ridiculously than this?
‘I am sorry to disturb your sensibilities, my lady, but this is my tent—mine and Tom’s.’ He pulled on a grey woollen tunic. ‘And you did come here of your own volition.’
‘You’re quite right, I did. I’m sorry, I had better leave.’
‘Wait, Gwen, I was just teasing you.’ He caught her arm and then let it go just as quickly, as though his fingers were burned by the touch. He took a step back as they stared at one another.
Oh, God, what was wrong with her?
Gwen blinked, realising that actually there was no measure to how ridiculous she could be. She turned to leave again.
‘No, stay and have a mug of wine with me. I would be glad of the company.’
She wasn’t sure whether that would be a good idea, but an unfathomable flare of emotion passed across Ralph’s eyes, making her reconsider. ‘Very well, if you wish.’
He walked to the coffer and poured the red liquid into two mugs, pressing one into her hands.
‘So, tell me, Gwen. What brought you here?’
‘I’m not so... Well, the truth is that I need to...’
His dark brown eyes glinted with mild bemusement. ‘I hope that my scars do not bother you?’
‘Of course not.’ She gulped, hoping that she hadn’t spoken too quickly.
‘I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.’ He shrugged. ‘They’re not exactly a pleasant sight.’
‘You are teasing me again, are you?’
‘No.’ He shook his head, the amusement fading from his eyes ‘The scars are hideous and disgusted me the first time I caught a glimpse of them.’
Gwen could hardly say that she hadn’t noticed them. They were there, glaring at her, and were not something she could have avoided. Yet it had been the changes in him and his body that had impressed upon her mind far more. Not something she could readily convey either.
‘How did it happen?’ she muttered instead.
‘Sadly, the story of how I was left with these is rather lamentable.’ He raked his fingers through his hair and sighed. ‘Everything Tom told you about me, by the by, was true except for the part that I had died. I had been in Poitiers since I left England. One very ordinary day, two years ago, on a routine check in the area, my small patrol was set upon. The two men who accompanied me were butchered to death, Gwen, as would I have been had it not been for the local men of St Jean de Cole, who came to my rescue.’
‘Oh, God, Ralph.’
‘I woke up days later, not knowing who I was or what had happened, tended to by Lady Isabel de Clancey, who had her own story of why she had been residing in that small village in Aquitaine.’
‘I met her earlier. She is lovely and extremely fond of you.’
‘As I am of her.’ He nodded. ‘She is like a sister to me. I know for certain that without Isabel, I would not be alive and without her husband, Will Geraint, I would not be here. I owe them everything.’
Gwen was happy that Ralph had friends like Lord and Lady de Clancey and Thomas Lovent to look out for him and had not been alone as she had until she met Brida O’Conaill. ‘It was fortuitous that you met them.’
‘Indeed.’
‘And do they still pain you, Ralph? The scars.’
He turned his head. ‘I know they’re repulsive to look at, but they remind me of what I nearly lost that day and still stand to lose. Every single one of these ugly, mangled scars is a reminder of the past and what I still owe my family name.’
Which wasn’t quite answering her question, but telling, nevertheless. ‘Do you blame yourself for what happened?’
‘Naturally,’ he said, bitterly. ‘But these scars are also a good reminder of what I still have to do. What I must do to redeem the past and try to somehow gain everything that has been lost.’
‘And that is why you are here.’
‘Yes.’ He nodded. ‘That is why I’m here.’
‘And the reason for your anonymity?’
‘As you know I have not divulged the truth about myself yet. I may be under the protection of Lord de Clancey’s household knights, but this is something that I need to use to my advantage. Why allow my cousin to have this knowledge, when he would manipulate it to his own end? I’d rather he tarried in a false sense of security, believing that there was no other who would challenge him for Kinnerton.’
‘Although it sounds dangerous, it does make sense.’
‘Indeed, and I can look out for myself, Gwen. But it needs to be carefully contained, until the time is right.’
She nodded. ‘You can be assured that Brida and I will keep your secret.’
‘I know and I thank you.’
‘Oh, and by the by, they’re not repulsive.’ Gwen motioned towards his face. ‘Your scars.’
His eyes locked on to hers, making her pulse quicken and the breath hitch in her throat. There was still so much left unsaid, so much Gwen did not understand about the events from the past, so much she could—she should—say, but all she could think about was how mesmerising those dark eyes were. But it really would not do. She gave her head a little shake and broke the silence.
‘You say you woke up in Aquitaine without any knowledge of who you were?’
‘No. My memory of both the attack and how I ended up in St Jean de Cole was very hazy. I could only recall...a few things at first and then very gradually every last thing that happened came back. Although I sometimes wish my ignorance about it all was permanent.’
‘That would have been terrible, would it not?’
‘Perhaps.’ He shrugged and watched her for a moment. ‘And what of you, Gwen? What happened to you all these years?’
‘Nothing other than getting older.’ Hardly the truth, but Gwen did not wish to dredge up everything that had happened to her.
‘Some say that age and experience brings wisdom. Although you are still a young maiden.’
She took a sip of the wine and smirked. ‘I may be that, but I’m not so certain about being much wiser.’
‘That could also be said of me, but I hope to learn from my past mistakes.’ He shrugged. ‘Take today’s disastrous practice. I’m certainly going to have to sharpen my skills if I want to have any chance at this tournament.’
‘I am certain you shall.’
‘We shall see. The very best warriors in the kingdom are present here, so it will not be an easy task. However, we were talking about you and not me.’
‘If you mean to ask where I went after you left, then I would tell you that my aim was to get as far away from Kinnerton as I could.’ As well as Stephen le Gros and all the bad memories, but Ralph didn’t need to know that. ‘I became the Crown’s ward and eventually came to live in the Earl of Pembroke, William Marshal’s household, where I acted as one of Isabel, the Countess of Pembroke’s ladies-in-waiting. I also met Brida there.’
‘And you were safe there?’
‘Yes, indeed I was. They were happier times, but after the Earl’s death, my situation changed once more.’
He tilted his head, watching her. ‘And yet you never married?’
‘No, and I hope I never shall.’
‘I see.’ He raised his brows. ‘And that was the reason that you intended to run away?’
She made a single nod.
They descended into an uncomfortable silence. Gwen felt suddenly weary and a little exposed, as if she had been the one who was standing there, undressed as he had been just moments ago. Yet her own curiosity had been roused. There were six years that had passed. Six years of lost time reduced now to this awkward, frustrated feeling of not knowing what to say next.
But this was Ralph de Kinnerton.
Surely there was enough of the boy she once knew there somewhere, underneath those scars and sinewy taut muscles of a powerful warrior? Yet that also meant that the girl she once was, the girl who had pushed Ralph away, remained, too.
‘I should go.’
* * *
Ralph watched her for a moment as she stood uncomfortably shifting from one foot to the other. He didn’t mean to make her feel guarded and so uneasy, yet he had.
‘I did not mean to pry.’
He had wanted to understand Gwen a little more and the reasons why she had changed her stance on marriage as much she had. From everything he had known about Gwenllian, the promise of becoming a mother, having a family...and being a wife had always been of great importance to her and yet that no longer held true. Mayhap in the intervening years, her desire to take the veil could explain the reasons why she no longer welcomed what she considered the burden of marriage. In which case her need to get away made a little more sense, even though it made him feel bleak for some reason.
It seemed they were no longer the assured, sanguine young people they had both been. The hard lessons of life had changed them irrevocably. Yet he still wondered what lessons Gwen had learnt.
She cleared her throat. ‘I would not wish to take up your time when I’m sure you have much to do.’
‘You’re not, my lady, and trust me, I don’t. Well, not at this particular moment.’ He took her mug from her. ‘Nothing that cannot wait at any rate, especially after what happened in the practice field.’
‘Surely you cannot be worried about the mêlée?’
He shrugged. ‘And surely you saw my abysmal performance out there?’
‘I am sure that is not an everyday occurrence, Ralph.’
He dragged his fingers through his hair in agitation. ‘If only you knew.’
‘Mêlées are notoriously unpredictable, are they not?’
‘I’m afraid it has more to do with skill than that. There’s a certain amount of luck that goes hand in hand with it, both of which have been lacking of late for me. Yet I have had a lot on my mind.’ He briefly looked in her direction.
But Gwen was resolutely avoiding his gaze. ‘I’m sure it has. What with returning back here and being so close to Kinnerton after so many years away.’
‘Alas, it is not good enough of a reason. Not if I mean to succeed.’
‘You are being a little too stern with yourself, are you not?’
‘No, the time is nigh, Gwen. It is now or never.’
‘Surely that cannot be?’
‘With my cousin here as well, after the same thing? He gave her a grim look and sighed. ‘I believe it must be. And this is not my first tournament, Gwen. I have been hiding for a lot longer than you know.’
Ralph poured some more wine into her mug and handed it back, his fingers grazing hers. He resisted the impulse to touch her again and stepped back, turning away. ‘I was believed to be dead after the attack, two years ago, with my life still, very much, in the balance. Even then I believed it prudent to allow the fact that I was alive to remain concealed. Especially since danger was everywhere and I did not know who was friend or foe. But eventually, I managed to get a message through to Tom that I was convalescing in St Jean de Cole. He came into my confidence and agreed to help me. Soon we travelled around France, from tourney to tourney, taking it in turns to be Sir Thomas Lovent and his far-too-large oaf of a squire. Some tournaments we would win coin and many more we’d lose.’
‘Then you returned to England?’
He nodded. ‘Isabel offered us the chance to train as part of the de Clancey retinue of knights. It has been gruelling, challenging and incredibly difficult, but well worth the hardship. For one thing I had to retrain using my left hand since I could no longer use my right as effectively as before. I could barely grip a sword in that hand, let alone try to wield a sword.’
‘That must have been extremely difficult.’
‘I admit that it was challenging. Yet learning the art of combat from men like William Geraint and Hugh de Villiers has been, and still is, a great honour for me.’
‘I am sure it has.’
‘That’s why I hate the idea that I could somehow let them down, Gwen. After everything that has happened that damn niggle, that I’m not good enough, has never seemed to have left me.’ He expelled a deep breath.
That incessant disapproval from his father, from a young age, had left its mark no matter how much Ralph tried to eradicate it. His sire had constantly berated him for not being as good as other young men. Even now Ralph could recall that veneer of dissatisfaction in his head.
But why in God’s name had he exposed himself, allowing his inner thoughts to be disclosed so carelessly to this woman whom he had once cared so much about? He screwed his eyes shut in embarrassment.
‘That is probably because you are still carrying far too much on your shoulders. You always have, Ralph.’
And then he remembered why. Why he had always sought Gwen’s opinions on different matters when they were younger. Why he had always wanted to gain her counsel. Why he always enjoyed moments where they could just unburden themselves to one another. Because she had so much faith and belief in him.
‘You have many people here, Ralph de Kinnerton, who care for you and wish to see you to succeed. Lord and Lady de Clancey, your friend Sir Thomas Lovent... And even me. But you need to believe in yourself. Believe in your ability to be able to succeed.’
Ralph opened his eyes and stared at her in wonder...and then his eyes slowly travelled from her eyes to where her hand was inadvertently caressing his arm in comfort.
God, but she was lovely. This close he could see the silvery-grey flecks in her blue eyes looking at him with concern. This close her lush lips turned up slightly as a pink blush tinted her cheeks, spreading to her neck. This close her delicate floral scent enveloped him, reminding him of another time and place. He expelled another breath through his teeth, his good hand extending and covering hers. She stilled and blinked in surprise as his eyes dropped to her lips again.
Ralph had to remind himself that she had expressed a covenant wish to be a holy woman, a nun. He should respect her wishes, yet he found himself leaning towards her and bending his head. Closer and closer. Mayhap, just one kiss and if she pulled away then he would know that his attentions were unwelcome.
But Gwen didn’t move. Her breathing came in quick, warm bursts as she tilted her head and met his eyes. There was pain, uncertainty but also longing. One that matched his own. He caressed her bottom lip with the pad of his thumb and felt her tremble before she closed her eyes in anticipation.
He moved in eagerly to cover her lips. Yes, just one kiss.
‘Well, that went as badly as it possibly could.’ Tom’s voice carried through as he sauntered into the tent. ‘What happened was quite—’ He stopped speaking and looked from Gwen to Ralph as they pulled apart.
‘I really should be going.’ She tugged the hood of her cloak forward and made her way out so quickly and clumsily that she practically collided with Tom.
Ralph and Tom stared at the entrance to the tent, flapping for a long moment.
‘Do not dare to say anything.’
‘What about exactly, my friend?’ A sheepish smile curled around Tom’s lips. ‘Your performance earlier in the training or what you were just about to do here with the fair lady?’
‘Nothing was about to happen.’
‘Ah, apologies. It must have been my imagination.’
‘Yes.’ Ralph stretched out his arms over his head. ‘It must have.’
‘So it would seem.’ Tom grinned. ‘And I am glad that you have reconciled whatever differences you may have had with Lady Gwenllian. I gather you have told her your sorry tale.’
‘And what if I have?’
‘Then it would go far to explain why I almost found her ab
out to express her sympathies in the most amorous of ways.’
‘Damn it, Tom, that is not funny. And I will not have Gwen subject to your amusement.’
‘Very well, but let us concede that it is a little funny.’
‘Let’s not.’
‘Not even a little bit?’
‘No.’
Tom grabbed an apple from the coffer and took a big bite. ‘Well, in that case, I’ll say no more on the matter.’
‘Good. Now, I take it that Will Geraint has summoned me?’
‘He has and he wants you in full armour, so expect another gruelling round.’
Ralph groaned, his body still throbbing in pain from the last round of practice.
‘God, but this is going to be a long day.’
‘Will wants to go through a few new techniques that he believes may suit your gait.’ Tom helped him put on each layer of clothing, until he finally tied and secured his hauberk chain and handed the helmet.
‘And do you know who I shall be challenging?’
‘Yes.’ Tom turned around and slammed his fist against his chest ‘Me.’
‘Oh, Lord, no. What is William Geraint thinking?’
‘Come now it’s not as bad as that. You do know that I shall allow you a fighting chance.’ Tom grinned. ‘And it’s not as though I’m going to tell Will or Isabel what almost happened here.’
‘I am warning you that if you say just one word about this...’
‘Yes, I know, but try to harness that aggression to the field, my friend.’ Tom slapped him on his back as they both moved to leave the tent. ‘And I said I am not going to say anything.’
‘As long as we’re clear.’ Ralph picked up his sword. ‘Nothing happened here.’
‘Whatever you say.’
CHAPTER NINE
Ralph persevered to sharpen his skills during the following day of strenuous training. Yet no matter how hard or diligently he worked, Gwen was never far from his thoughts. Her voice a constant echo in his ears.
‘You are still carrying far too much on your shoulders.’
It was true, of course, but not something that he could readily shed. The weight of duty and expectation lay heavy on his shoulders. Besides, Ralph did not know how to break from those bonds, even if he’d wanted to.
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